Britain’s hopes of avoiding a monumental clusterf*ck now rest with 10 Downing Street’s resident vermin exterminator Larry the cat, with the nation praying that Larry is partial to large blonde rodents.
“Cometh the hour, cometh the cat” is being whispered the length and breadth of the country, with Larry expected to live up to his job description and deal with the incoming blonde vermin problem.
“If Larry the cat doesn’t bite Johnson’s head off, or at the very least playfully catch and torture him till he scurries away, he might as well not be there” said an MP who wishes to remain anonymous.
“But knowing our luck, Larry is just as likely to think Boris is his ‘spirit human’ given their shared love for doing nothing for 20 hours a day, and spending the other 4 hours eating food and having indiscriminate sex.”
Current Downing Street occupant Teresa May says she respects the Tory leadership election process. “Boris won fair and square, I admit that. I also admit that neither Philip nor I have fed Larry for 3 weeks and he is looking rather hungry.”
The Lib Dems and SNP strongly support Larry getting rid of Johnson, with the kinder gentler Lib Dems preferring a humane relocation, while the SNP prefers Larry “bites the bastarts heid aff – slowly.”
Despite Labour Party membership being overwhelmingly in favour of Larry the cat getting rid of Johnson, Jeremy Corbyn refused to be drawn on a position saying “Larry could eat Johnson, or he could let him remain, we are the party of both eaters and non-eaters”.
With a YouGov poll showing Boris Johnson as favourite to lead the Tories, people who can count to 20 without using their fingers and toes have concluded the UK couldn’t pass the 11+.
“I love Boris” said a shopper in Dunstable “he tells it how it is. OK, not ‘how it is’, maybe how it should be. If the moon was made of cheese and you could ride there on a unicorn. Which is definitely what Boris would do if he was PM. Maybe he could be the next monarch, he’d make a great King. As a chubby adulterer, Continue reading →
The serial-liar and self-publicist, Boris Johnson, has called on Theresa May to save his vaunting ambition to become Prime Minister by acceding to his ridiculous demands.
“Whiff-waff, whiff-whaff, ping-pong, fuzzy-wuzzy” said Johnson, addressing the House of Commons in a resignation speech this afternoon.
Whilst praising the PM’s resilience, he said that her Chequers plan would see his ambitions for high office in “miserable limbo. Which is apparently some dance done by blacks”. He said, adding “I haven’t actually googled it.”
Johnson quit ten days ago, saying that he could not support a plan which didn’t involve him ending up as Prime Minister
The BBC said Mr Johnson’s friends were insisting he was not trying to emulate Geoffrey Howe, whose caustic resignation speech in 1990 is widely seen as having paved the way for Margaret Thatcher’s downfall weeks later.
“No, Boris wants to be become Prime Minister by acclamation, ideally being driven by chariot up The Mall, throwing grapes to the assembled throng” said Brexiteer lunatic and Iain Duncan Smith stooge, Steve Baker MP.
As members of her cabinet withdraw to pursue new opportunities and sharpen their knives, Theresa May has drafted in ex SAS tough guy Bear Grylls to help her survive.
“Bear has unparalleled experience in self-rescue, protection and combat. His knowledge of inhospitable terrain, and his ability to stomach lugworms is going to be essential as the Brexit negotiations enter this openly aggressive stage” said a Downing Street source. “The Prime Minister believes she can hold out for a good few months at Number Ten with Bear by her side.”
The tiresome wanker is expected to ruffle his hair when challenged
Although Boris Johnson will miss today’s Commons third Heathrow runway vote, hoping to swerve his promise to lie in front of the bulldozers, the UK has told him as the work won’t start yet he can do the right thing when he gets home.
An online petition for him to do so was signed by over 250,000 people within three hours of being launched. “I’ll give him a lift to Heathrow day or night, I’ve even got a groundsheet for him to lie on.” said Carly Jeffrey, a teaching assistant from Harold who started the petition. “Though lying is something he’s rather good at, anytime, anywhere. Of course he’ll have to sit in the back.” she added “Not behind me. Continue reading →
World War Three is back on hold after Putin put a smiley face on Mrs May’s newsfeed.
“The Prime Minister acknowledged that the smiley was a very sweet gesture in response to her earlier full-on rant in Parliament,” said a Downing Street spokesperson.
“There’s no doubt Putin misbehaved and Mrs May was fully within her rights to threaten him with the naughty step. But she was totally disarmed when the happy face popped up on her phone.” Continue reading →
The bald one remembering drowning kittens in a sack
Former Tory leader and leading sociopath, Iain Duncan Liar has supported Boris Liar, who reprised their best known lie over the weekend.
“The lie was really successful in 2016”, said the bald one “so it would have been criminal to retire it. As Michael Liar put it last year, we’ve had enough of experts and the same can be said about those who insist on sticking to the facts”.
Most Brexiters now say they never believed the EU cost the UK £350m a week anyway, for fear of looking like steaming dullards and Continue reading →
David Davis photographed when he found out he’ll still have to pay the debts
A Dunstable man going through a divorce has hired a chainsaw with which to split the family assets and he’ll start with the house itself.
“It’s got a wooden frame so it should be quite easy, as long as I don’t hit any nails” said David Davis “I assume that’s what she meant by ‘sparks are going to fly’, when I told her about it.”
Davis won’t consider a soft divorce, where everything is discussed beforehand. “I want to crash out of the marriage without any agreement, so I’ve insulted my wife and her lawyers as much as I can. My mate Boris told me that’s the best way to get what you want – which in my case is Continue reading →
The UK’s embarrassing Foreign Secretary says EU countries are delighted to be pejoratively linked to the second World War.
Having previously got away with comparing EU ambitions with those of Hitler, Boris Johnson has tried out another one by warning the French not to give the UK “punishment beatings” for Brexit “in the manner of some World War Two movie”.
“That’ll be fine.” said the entitled old Etonian, when questioned about the wisdom of such comments with EU goodwill at a premium.
“Johny foreigner love a bit of Boris Banter. Last week I walked into the EU Foreign Affairs meeting with my hands cupped over my eyes. Like this – see, goggles – humming the Dam Busters March. Continue reading →
Boris Johnson has flown to America to star with Donald Trump in the new Dumb and Dumber movie, sources confirmed today.
The movie, titled Dumb and Dumber 4 – Trump and Trumper will tell the story of two unintelligent friends from who set out on a cross-country trip to return a briefcase full of stolen votes to their rightful owner, only to be pursued by a group of Russian hackers.
“The pair’s childish antics will have everyone in stitches, as we all marvel at how two adult human beings could be so relentlessly stupid,” said a spokesperson.
Boris Johnson joined the chorus of people urging Facebook and Google to ban fake news, saying it could ‘influence an election’.
“We can’t have the democratic process subverted by Facebook and Google providing a platform for obscure news websites to publish plausible sounding but completely made up stories” integrity campaigner Johnson told the Evening Harold. Continue reading →
“When people thought I was against it, I was running for Mayor of London but now I’m Top Kiddie at the FO and planning to stay.” Boris Johnson bumbled today, describing how his perceived opposition to a third Heathrow runway was merely him exploring its benefits for himself.
Johnson explained that protesters must, in some strange way, have got hold of the wrong end of the stick, whilst he was in fact just convincing himself how weak their argument was. “I didn’t expect anyone to think I was expressing a genuine belief though, because I don’t have any.”
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman would reject this war face
There was sadness across the nation this morning as everyone realised that the much hyped ‘war’ between Boris Johnson and Liam Fox isn’t proper and that neither of them are going to get so much as paper cut . Continue reading →
The Brexit vote means element Eu must be removed from the periodic table in Britain, according to Nigel Farage.
“The people have spoken and the 63rd element Eu must go. There is already substantial pressure building up, with new elements such as 115, 116 and 117 entering the periodic table without any attempt whatsoever to stop them at the border.”
“The problem is there could be no end to these additions, leading to overcrowding and instability. We need to ensure the periodic table is primarily reserved for British elements, such as H and O, and whatever beer is made of” said Farage. Continue reading →
David Cameron has told Britain that somebody else can deal with all of the shit that will come from leaving the EU, because he is not having it.
“Every economic forecaster said what would happen in the event of a vote to Leave, but you chose to believe Nigel Farage instead.” said Cameron, already packing his Margaret Thatcher memorabilia into a cardboard box.
“Falling stocks, a nosedive for the pound, early warnings of job losses from business, but that’s ok apparently, because you were made vague promises about immigration and the NHS. Well you can deal with it your fucking selves.”
Today both sides will be crossing the country releasing these onto high streets
As the Brexit and Remain campaigns launch into their final fevered day of shouting at the rest of us like we’re all five and didn’t go to the toilet when Miss told us too and now look at the mess there is concern on both sides that voters aren’t yet sufficiently terrified.
“I don’t want people mooching into the polling centre early evening to casually take part in a little light democracy,” said Boris Johnson. “I want them queuing up half the night scared beyond words by the thought that if they don’t get that cross in the leave box as soon as possible 800 million Turks will invade by teatime and bugger the NHS to death with a simit.” Continue reading →