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Apple is rumoured to be removing the standard headphone sockets on its new iPhone because the whole company is run by demons infesting the thirteenth plane of hell who want to punish the human race, it emerged today.
The 3.5mm headphone jack is currently located on every man-made object in the world, and was voted ‘2nd most useful item known to humankind’ last year, coming in just after air.
A spokesdemon for Apple refused to comment on upcoming products, but did confirm that ‘the humans up in the land of daylight have had it easy for too long,” adding: “BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA”. Continue reading
Already contains plenty of white
Shortly after announcing record profits Apple CEO, Tim Cook, has revealed that the US technology giant is set to buy Greece and use the debt-ridden European country as a holiday home.
The $18bn profit for three months ending December 2014 is the biggest quarterly profit ever made by a public company, and Cook has decided to spend it on ‘something nice’ for Apple’s staff to use. Continue reading
Production line staff hard at work, cleaning up for Apple
“We at Apple are shocked to the core” said Graham Cross, after secret filming at Apple’s suppliers revealed repeated staff abuse. “But rest assured. Lawyers will be all over the BBC’s arse by Monday.”
BBC’s Panorama film showed workers so fatigued that they fell asleep during rest periods and even whilst operating machines.
Cross says although it’s common practice for workers to nap during breaks, he’ll investigate any evidence of sleeping at the workbench. “If it’s proved, then firm action will definitely follow. Wages will be docked. Guilty parties will first be named and shamed and then get a verbal warning: ‘Oy, Sleepy! Don’t doze off again!’ Only in Mandarin. Probably”.
You’ve let yourselves down but worse you’ve let him down
U2 frontman Bono has filmed an apology for the gift many iTunes users found to be their most unwelcome since chlamydia when all 500 million of them were given U2’s new album.
“I’m sorry people can’t appreciate my genius and the remarkable gift I gave unto them,” he said before raising his right hand and clicking his fingers. “Every time I do this a child in Africa says ‘why is this shite in my iTunes library’ and deletes Songs of Innocence. It’s probably something to do with their ears and such. Together, we can use your money to help these kids to grow and fully grasp the wonder of me.” Continue reading
A record number of iPhones have been seized and destroyed at airport security since passengers have been asked to prove the batteries work.
“We are finding a lot of them aren’t able to turn on. The users trying to board with the device are making up a number of excuses,” a security guard at Luton Airport told us.
“We have had some claiming they drained the batteries checking Facebook twice, and others saying the batteries died as they kept checking the time to see how far into the six-hour delay they were.”
A preview of the iPhone 6
An extremely rare example of an iPhone without a cracked screen has been discovered in Dunstable. It was previously believed that every iPhone that had ever been taken out of the box and used had subsequently been broken, but this find finally disproves that theory.
It is especially significant for Simon James, an iPhone enthusiast who made the discovery. He has been searching for the mythical ‘unbroken used iPhone’ since the iPhone 3G was released back in 2008. Continue reading
Did it just ring? No? Must have been crickets.
Nick Clegg has claimed his mobile has been hijacked by hackers, after it failed to ring for the fifth consecutive day.
Despite there being no ransom message or changes to the basic functions of Clegg’s iPhone, no-one has contacted him for nearly 120 hours.
‘There’s definitely something wrong with it’, revealed Clegg, as he checked his voicemail again. ‘I’m sure Vince Cable would have called by now to tell me I’m doing a good job.’
‘And there should definitely be some text messages from all my ex-MEPs, thanking me for my hard work, dedication and support.’
Clegg has tried making a handful of outgoing calls, but told us that this wasn’t working either.
Why not save yourself some money and simply wear a badge with ‘I’m an arse’ printed on it?
At a glitzy press conference held at their campus in Cupertino, California the CEO of Apple Tim Cook took to the stage to announce that Apple’s forthcoming smartwatch will be called the iTwatBangle.
“We’ve looked at our existing products, analysed the market and we’ve created something that people are going to fall in love with,” Cook told reporters.
“The key to the iTwatBangle’s appeal is its simplicity. You’ll meet someone wearing one and with just a single glance get all the information you need to know that that person is a twat.” Continue reading
Filed under News, Technology
To get 2 of his 5-a-day, the iPhones were on Orange
A 19 year old man died yesterday, after being advised to eat an apple a day by Doctor Evans. Wayne Chavley was rushed to hospital after consuming 2 iPhones, 3 iPads and a Macbook air over the course of 6 days.
It is believed he initially visited his GP for a check up. As he was found to be a little on the morbidly obese side, Doctor Evans recommended he try eating fruit as a snack instead of a family size bar of Galaxy. As Mr Chavley walked out of the doctor’s room, an eyewitness tells us she heard the doctor say ” an apple a day keeps the doctor away”. “I couldn’t believe my ears” Mrs Sandy told us. “It was obvious that the man leaving the room had no idea what fruit was”.
Mr Chavley’s girlfriend made an emotional statement outside the family bedsit. ” We just wanted Wayne to lose a couple of stone. 20 stone was his target. When the doctor recommended an apple a day, we thought he meant iPhones and that. We robbed 4 different people of their stuff and nearly got arrested in Comet as we couldn’t afford all those things, but it was all to help Wayne.” Continue reading
Filed under Lifestyle, News