Category Archives: Space

Total eclipse of fiery orange ball not Donald Trump

President Trump, having an unusually calm day at the office

Millions were disappointed at the weekend, when it emerged that the huge, glowing orange ball going into shadow on Monday will be the Sun and not the 45th President of the USA.

“I’d heard that an angrily burning, self-fuelling, incandescent ball, best seen through six inch thick darkened glass, would be off-line tomorrow.” said AdamCassidy, a 23 year old conspiracy theorist from Harold.

“Naturally, I assumed President Trump was being turned off and on again or Continue reading

Comments Off on Total eclipse of fiery orange ball not Donald Trump

Filed under News, science, Space

New Star Wars movie to feature first male Wookiee

We would.

Producers of the upcoming Star Wars film have shocked moviegoers with the news that, unlike in all the previous episodes, the next generation of the Wookiee character in The Last Jedi will be male.

Some have seen this as a brave move, given that the iconic “Chewie” character was, of course, a girl, with the typical female Wookiee’s menacing grunt, but many fans are disappointed that the producers have changed what was seen as a well-established tradition.

“I’m not sexist, but this is just inverse political correctness gone mad,” complained one fan. “Everyone knows Chewie was a girl. And good-looking. Er, for a Wookiee.”

“Well that’s my childhood ruined,” complained another fan. “Nowhere in the original movies does it say anywhere that Wookiees can be male. Some things you don’t mess with.”

“What next, a male R2-D2?”

Comments Off on New Star Wars movie to feature first male Wookiee

Filed under News, Space, TV

Burial of last man to walk on moon was ‘obvious fake’

Fake funeral

Still more likely than Donald Trump

Following the supposed burial of Eugene Cernan, the last astronaut to walk on the moon, conspiracy theorists have pointed out a large number of inconsistencies which may mean that the whole funeral was faked.

“We don’t know exactly how they did it,” explained leading sceptic Barry Renfrew, “But if you look carefully at the official pictures there’s something  fishy about this so-called burial.”

“At first glance it looks like a perfectly normal funeral. But when you look closely, little discrepancies begin to emerge which discredit the whole thing.”

“For example, it’s clearly not raining in the scene, and yet everyone is using an umbrella. Was this actually to shield them from the harsh lights in the studio where this image was created? We can only guess.”

“On the same lines, look at the American flag. Nothing wrong with it you might think, the old Stars and Stripes.”

“But hang on – isn’t there something wrong? That’s right – it’s flying straight out, but there’s clearly no wind in the picture! What a give away!”

“The rocket looks a bit dodgy too, if I’m honest.”

“On the whole, we believe the funeral was an obvious fake, probably to put pressure on the Russians, who have yet to work out how to bury their own astronauts.”

Renfrew was quick to deny suggestions that he was actually just an over-sceptical person.

“Absolutely not. I generally believe everything. Like most people, I believe the moon landings were staged. I believe the earth is flat, and possibly on the back of a tortoise.”

“In fact, the only thing I can’t believe, is that Donald Trump is about to be President.”

“That’s GOT to be made-up.”

Comments Off on Burial of last man to walk on moon was ‘obvious fake’

Filed under Space, TV

“It’s too horrible down there” Tim Peake decides not to return to Earth

International_Space_Station_after_undocking_of_STS-132

You stay floating round your tin can, Major Tom, er, Tim

British astronaut Tim Peake is declining to return to Earth from ISS tomorrow as scheduled saying that he’s been watching the news and is going to “stay up here where everything’s lovely and peaceful, thanks.”

“From where I am the world is beautiful,” he said. “But up close it’s getting extremely ugly.
Continue reading

Comments Off on “It’s too horrible down there” Tim Peake decides not to return to Earth

Filed under Space

Scientists close to explaining Donald Trump

Do not adjust your TV set.

Do not adjust your TV set.

“For decades, scientists were unable to explain Black Holes,” said Professor Brian Cox, “especially the super massive ones, but then we solved it.  Well, Trump is like a super massive Orange Hole.  Metaphorically speaking.”

Various tests have been run at CERN and lots of scientists have been writing long equations on multiple backboards, working at the very edge of reality.

“Of course we already know that Donald Trump does not exist in the normal sense of the word,” said the Professor, “but that alone may not stop him becoming President.  The current hypothesis is that he is somehow the product of the collective American Mind.”

“But we’re not quite sure yet whether to describe him as a figment of the imagination or a pigment of the imagination.” Continue reading

Comments Off on Scientists close to explaining Donald Trump

Filed under Entertainment, idiots, Intergalactic News, Politics, science, Space, TV, USA

Earth is 2 dimensional, insists one dimensional pop star.

bob-rapper

B.o.B contemplating serious things.

Hippety hoppity rap singer and renowned expert in cartography and basic astrophysics, B.o.B has amused and amazed his fans on social media recently by declaring his belief that the world is flat. Continue reading

Comments Off on Earth is 2 dimensional, insists one dimensional pop star.

Filed under Badgers, Entertainment, idiots, Media, music, News, science, Showbusiness, Social media, Space

Kanye West ‘delighted’ he has new constellation too

kanyestars2Following the announcement that he is going to soil David Bowie’s legacy by recording a rubbish tribute album, Kanye West has also insisted that he too should get a new constellation in his honour.

Scientists recently announced a new lightning bolt-shaped constellation has been registered as a memorial to Bowie, and Kanye immediately called for his own stellar tribute.

The same team of astronomers were quick to announce the new “Kanye Constellation” in the stars of Ursa Major, which has been informally named “The Knob”.

Continue reading

Comments Off on Kanye West ‘delighted’ he has new constellation too

Filed under music, Space

Raft of exciting new features promised for Laws of Physics II

Happy New Year

Happy New Year

The long-awaited sequel to The Laws of Physics may be just around the corner – or, more accurately, the bend – say excited scientists at the Large Hadron Collider.

Following a massive upgrade of the CERN facility in 2015, Prof. Brian Cox has been speaking to Harold sustainable energy enthusiast Dr John Goody about the next generation of physics and the role of minuscule particles.

“There was a time when the Higgs was the smallest thing imaginable,” Prof. Cox told him, “but after a few more collisions, it turns out to be a relative galaxy compared with the teeny-weeny fragments we’ve now smashed it into. You know, some of these particles are almost as small as the level of funding British scientists get from the government.”

“The thing with these bits is that they’re so very tiny, they slip through the enforcement net of Standard Model Laws. But fortunately they are not the anarchists we originally thought but operate instead according to their own set of rather bizarre rules.”

Once classified as Mischievous Little Rogue Particles with a Rebellious Nature, it is now thought that they operate according to the Law of Utter Unpredictability, the so-called ‘British Weather Law’.

There is however a ‘dark’ side to the new physics.

“Some of these particles are pretty fundamental,” said Cox, “and we all know that any sort of fundamentalism can be a dangerous thing. Only last week we caught a bunch of naughty little quarks trying to set up an Independent State inside the vacuum left by a retreating photon. The more hawkish scientists were all for blasting them to smithereens, until someone pointed out that that was how they were created. In the end, we found that if we looked the other way and thought out about daisies and kittens, they simply ceased to exist.”

Dr Goody asked Prof. Cox whether electric cars will ever get off the ground.

“No,” said Cox, “but we can expect to see innovative products which will help us in our everyday lives, like this new kettle, for instance, which boils as soon as you start watching it. Ah, tea?”

Comments Off on Raft of exciting new features promised for Laws of Physics II

Filed under Around Harold, breaking news, Intergalactic News, Law and Order, science, Space

“Net curtains are my first priority”: Tim Peake looking forward to Britishing up the International Space Station

383024-space

He’ll also be taking his protein pills and putting his helmet on

The first Britain in space since Margaret Thatcher was thing, Tim Peake, will be blasted from the Baikonur Cosmodrome tomorrow on a mission to ensure that some corner of a low Earth orbit field is forever a little bit bobbins.

“As the only Brit up there it will be my responsibility to fly the flag,” he said. “A crap plastic flag I’ll shove in my colleagues’ faces during Euro 2016 until England fail to make it out of the group stage and then I’ll just drop it somewhere because what’s more British than mindless littering?” Continue reading

Comments Off on “Net curtains are my first priority”: Tim Peake looking forward to Britishing up the International Space Station

Filed under Space