Category Archives: Royals

Fears grow for exhausted hacks constantly churning out Diana articles

‘So tired, can’t brain. Will “Woman who’s been dead for twenty years, still dead” do as a headline?’

The end of August currently seems to be a hundred years away for knackered tabloid journalists ordered to write as much Princess Diana related bobbins as possible day after day. Continue reading

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Queen orders newly retired Prince Philip a shed to get him out from under her feet

Looks like One has just spotted a peasant

Alarmed at no longer being able to simply dispatch her husband to go and open a badger sanctuary whenever he starts getting on the royal tits, the Queen has spent some of our money on buying him a shed to sit in. Continue reading

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Queen abandons royal robes for Queen’s speech, after humble PM borrows them

“The bloody woman still has my crown”

The Queen will not wear ceremonial robes in Parliament today, partly because she’s going on to Ascott later but mainly because Mrs May hasn’t returned them.

The PM apparently borrowed them to rehearse her own “promise to work with humility and resolve” speech in front of her bathroom mirror and refuses to hand them back.

“Her Majesty has always appreciated haute couture,” said a Downing Street spokeman “sorry, did I say Her Majesty? I meant the Prime Minister.” Continue reading

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Wills responds to ‘workshy’ press criticism: “I’m a Prince, dur…”

“Oh and skiing, I love skiing too”

Prince William says he doesn’t have to do any work at all if he doesn’t feel like it.

“I’m second in line to the throne, do you see?” He explained to a meeting of Fleet Street editors today. “That’s how it is with a monarchy, I was sure you’d all know.”

“Didn’t any of you study British Constitution at school? I was going to take it at A level but learned all I needed to know at GCSE. It was brilliant, my favourite subject.”

“The thing is” the Prince went on Continue reading

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Pensioners who can’t afford to turn on heating delighted by Buckingham Palace’s £389m refurbishment

laughter

“OMG! Best news evar!”

The oldest and most vulnerable in our society are happy that one of them, an elderly lady known only as Mrs E. Windsor is having her house refurbished at tax payers expense. Continue reading

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Shadowy Windsor family exposed in multi-generational benefit scam

hmq

Brown envelopes seem more appropriate but Bacs transfer will have to do

Whilst her former flunkey, Ronald Harper begins a five-stretch, over a trifling £100K bung, 90 year-old Elizabeth Windsor has dodged prosecution again, despite pocketing that amount and more, weekly, for over sixty years.

Based on nothing more than Mrs Windsor popping out of the right vagina in the early 20th century, a web of her relatives, many of them German or Greek immigrants, has taken advantage of the UK’s generous social security system ever since. Continue reading

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Morrissey expecting “major ker-ching” when Queen dies

Former Smiths front-man Steven “Morrissey” Morrissey spends his days quietly scanning the Times obituary columns for news of Queen Elizabeth II, knowing that when she finally does pass away, his 1986 Album ‘The Queen is Dead’ will most likely be swept to number 1 by a sombre, patriotic nation.

Morrissey practising his mournful look

Morrissey practising his mournful look

“We [The Smiths] toyed with the idea of a perennial Christmas song, like Mariah Carey and Wham did, but the market was a bit crowded, so ‘How Soon is Christmas?’ eventually became the track we all know as ‘How Soon is Now?’, and ‘Santa in a Coma’ just got binned,” chirped the happy-go-lucky crooner.

“Then Johnny [Marr] said we should put down a track that played the long game – a little retirement bonus for us if you will – and we bounced around some ideas for blue ocean strategies, where we would be guaranteed to be the go-to track when some inevitable future event happened.”

That track was ‘The Queen is Dead’, and the album of the same name became one of the defining albums of the eighties, but Morrissey expects a revival of its success when the Queen finally does die.

Morrissey points to the boost Prince got when 1999 eventually happened, and the windfall enjoyed by The Primitives following the death of Princess Diana, and chuckles, “This is one set of royalties I’m really looking forward to.”

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Stamp Granny at 90: top facts about HM’s reign

Is this her O face?

Is this her O face?

1. Is frequently found in Windsor Castle corridors drunk and yelling “Fuck Magna Carta, I want a real go.”

2. Is the only monarch in the 20th century to have beaten a pope at Hungry Hippos (Pope Paul VI 1972).

3. Has completed all Panini football sticker books since 1976 apart from 1982 when Charles refused to swap a Kenny Dalglish with her.

4. Was involved in a hot threesome with Elton John and David Furnish, although the newspapers are still not allowed to report on the matter.

5. Is the undefeated champion of Trivial Pursuit in the Crowned Heads of Europe League, and seven times winner in the World Monarch Championships.<!–more–>

6. Was the original choice to front the eponymous rock band, before being pipped at the post by Freddie Mercury following a tense Queen-off.

7. When playing chess, does not allow her opponent to use a Queen. As such she is undefeated.

8. Had breast augmentation for when she used to pole dance on the Royal Yacht Britannia’s summer cruises

9. Was a huge fan of 80s group Devo and their hit ‘Whip It’, performing her own dance interpretation at Palace garden parties.

10. Is the owner of the world’s longest fossilised dog turd.
Measuring in at a whopping 39″ in length, the turd is believed to have been laid by a royal ancestor’s Wolfhound.

11. Owns an 8′ Anaconda named Nagini which is trained to suppress all opposing views held by mortal enemies. It also doubles as one of her Horcruxes.
12. Has never got bored of hearing the national anthem. And wishes that everyone still sang all the verses.

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Cameron to bomb Scotland after Ginger Terrorist threat

charles

Narrow escape from the ginger menace

Following the arrest of the so-called “Ginger Terrorist” who planned to murder Prince Charles, Prime Minister David Cameron has announced that British bomber planes will immediately begin pre-emptive strikes in Scotland to counter the Ginger extremist threat.

The Ginger Terrorist hoped to make royal ginger Harry next in line to the throne, as a first step in a glorious Ginger Revolution, which would see the rest of the country forever under the auburn jackboot of the carrot-topped army.

Cameron plans to attack known centres of ginger extremism, such as Glasgow, where over 90% of the population are thought to support gingerist causes.

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‘Moderate’ Christians everywhere urged to condemn Planned Parenthood terrorist

QueenFrancis2

“Let’s hush this up, Queenie baby!”

The myth that Christianity is a peace-loving gentle religion was shattered today after moderate Christians the world over pointedly failed to condemn extreme Christian terrorists who shamefully massacred several people in Colorado.

Instead of sending out a strong message to the faithful, Christian community leaders chose to implicitly support the Colorado massacre by their refusal to denounce it.

One Christian leader, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, head of the murky “Church of England”, claimed she was too busy ruling her people to comment, but it was “nothing to do with one”. Continue reading

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Government proposal for total homeopathy ban ‘likely to end up very watered down’

One small drop for man, one giant leap for the National Debt.

One small drop for the NHS, one giant leap for the National Debt.

A Department of Health proposal to reclassify homeopathy as pure cuckoo and so exclude it from NHS spending has come under fire from the alternative therapies industry.

The Department of Health says that there is no scientific evidence to support homeopathy as an effective form of medical treatment and it must be removed entirely from NHS spending. But that is missing the whole point, says local alternative practitioner George Tredinnick.

“It’s a complete category error to want to apply scientific principles to homeopathy, which by its very nature relies on Belief in Magic,” he said. “Unfortunately, Government Ministers have not one tiny drop of imagination between them.”

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‘50% of refugees could be secret ginger extremists’ says Daily Mail

ginger-refugee

Escaping their roots?

Following the conviction of a “ginger extremist” for plotting to kill Princes Charles and William, the Daily Mail has revealed that up to 50% of so-called refugees from Syria could actually be secret gingers on a mission to undermine the UK’s brown and blond society.

“People see heartbreaking pictures of migrants in boats apparently fleeing a warzone,” argued Mail editor Paul Dacre today, “But have you ever noticed how many of them are wearing hats?”

“Many of them are coming over here, claiming to be light brown or ‘strawberry blonde’, but it’s clear that in many cases this is nothing but a ruse.”

A spokesperson from the UK’s National Council of Gingers expressed shock at the assumption that redheads were terrorists based purely on the colour of their hair.

“It may be true that many of the refugees follow are of ginger background,” he explained, “But the vast majority of gingers are peaceful, hard-working folk, even if they do look a bit funny.”

Instances of gingerphobia are on the rise worldwide, as seen in the recent incident in a US school when a ginger pupil was arrested by police after bringing in a comb which teachers found threatening.

President Obama attempted to make it up to the boy by inviting him to visit the White House any time he wants, provided he wears some sort of hair net, and a message of solidarity was issued from the National Association for the Advancement of Bald People.

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How to have hair like Kate Middleton

Kate's hair stylishly located on her head

Kate’s hair stylishly located on her head

Kate Middleton has hair, and you can too!

Kate’s hair is, in the classical tradition, stylishly located on her head.

The secret to having hair like Kate is to make sure you have hair on your head too. Simply look in a mirror at eye level, look up a bit, and if you see hair, you are in luck!

Don’t have a mirror? No problem! Put your finger between your eyes, raise it up a few inches, and if you feel something stringy, you have hair like Kate! If you feel something stringy, and then something scalpy, you have hair like William, ha, ha, ha!
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Relapse-spike at Anna Freud Centre after seeing radiant Duchess (and her amazing hair)

kate

Left Twix or Righ Twix?

A relaxed and tanned Duchess of Cambridge has made her first solo official visit since the birth of Princess Charlotte in May.

Sporting a smart new fringe, the Duchess, 33, visited the Anna Freud Centre to learn how the charity is working to help young people with mental health issues.

“It really gave me something to think about, seeing someone so effortlessly beautiful Continue reading

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Producers of ‘Who Do You Think You Are?’ regret asking Prince Harry

Chinned and ginger, just like dad.

Chinned and ginger, just like dad.

Prince Harry will not appear on the popular genealogy show ‘Who Do You Think You Are?’, a coroner for one of the producers has confirmed.

Despite being third in line for the throne, Harry Windsor has a noticeable jaw and some hair left. The BBC family tree programme will not be finding out why.

“We don’t think anyone’s that interested”, said a researcher through the telecom of their panic room. “That’s what the director said, just before he stabbed himself in the back.”

Advances in technology now allow a person’s DNA to be identified from a cheek swab in a matter of minutes.

Sadly, Prince Harry is incapable of producing saliva, revealed the widow of the show’s technical consultant.
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The Queen: More astounding facts!

"One is the Champion"

“One is the Champion”

By popular demand from Her Majesty’s subjects, we are commanded to provide a further gloved handful of facts about the Queen who is long reigning over us. These facts are just as true as the last set.

Fact! As an in-joke, the rock band Queen asked the actual Queen to sing backing vocals on one of their songs. After being smuggled into the band’s private recording studio at night, Her Majesty can be heard singing the “Are you gonna take me home tonight?” lines on “Fat Bottomed Girls“.

Fact! Prince Charles is so old that most people assume the Queen is his child, but it’s actually the other way round.

Fact! Her Majesty attributes her soft hands to her insistence that her maids always use Fairy Liquid when washing the Royal dishes. Continue reading

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Five amazing facts about the Queen

A rare photo of Horace Ruffage (see Fact #2)

A rare photo of Horace Ruffage (see Fact #2)

As the Queen finally passes Bobby Charlton’s long standing record, the Evening Harold is able to reveal five astounding facts about Her Majesty, all which are totally true.

Fact One: As befits a lady who is in her 90th year, Her Majesty has a terrible memory and is easily confused. Since watching The King’s Speech she has become convinced that her father was the spitting image of Colin Firth and that contemporary photos of the late King showing him looking like a cod were doctored to reflect the mood of the time. Her Royal Highness is unable to understand how her mother was able to star in the Harry Potter films. Continue reading

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‘Emotional’ Queen ‘goes on a brenda’

Queen party

Queen slurred the National Anthem, before sicking on a corgi.

The Queen has finally been subdued and arrested after a drunken rampage in Central London which left eyewitnesses both appalled at the carnage and impressed by how supple she is.

Her Majesty had been celebrating becoming the UK’s longest reigning monarch, beating Queen Victoria’s previous ‘scowl ‘n’ wave’ record of 63 yrs and 216 days by one day and counting.

Police were called to Buckingham Palace after tourists alerted them to ‘an elderly lady drenched in gin’. Continue reading

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Can she do it? Tense crowds cheer Queen on to ‘longest reign’

queen record

Officials have roped off the Queen for the final stage of her attempt.

Crowds of fans are cheering the Queen around the clock, waiting for her to lunge over the line and set the record for Britain’s longest reign.

With just days to go, the public has joined officials from the Guinness Book of Records.  Sat on a chair with a look of grim determination on her stamp-like face, the monarch’s reign is timed at regular intervals while the crowds roar her on to the finish.

“COME ON QUEEN! YOU CAN DO IT!”, yelled a group from Harold’s WI. “DON’T FORGET YOUR TABLETS! KEEP THAT HEART PUMPING! GOWAAAAN YOUR MAJESTY, NEARLY THERE!”
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Stephen Fry, Robert Mugabe and The Queen among this year’s Strictly Come Dancing line up.

LONDON, UNITED KINGDOM - FEBRUARY 17:  Queen Elizabeth II meets Steven Fry during the Dramatic Arts reception at Buckingham Palace on February 17, 2014 in London, England. (Photo by David Crump - WPA Pool/Getty Images)

The Queen of England and Elizabeth Windsor

The BBC has announced the first contestants for this year’s series of Strictly Come Dancing.

Among the notable celebrities are some big name attractions including Robert Mugabe, Josef Fritzl, The Blessed Virgin Mary, new Taliban leader Mullah Akhtar Mansoor  and Les Dennis along with some more controversial choices including Jeremy Vine, a woman off Eastenders and troubled tv chef, Ainsley Harriott. Continue reading

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