Obviously no spare rooms here.
Homeless people in Windsor say their livelihoods are under threat as rumours circulate of a street-level takeover by a ruthless gang of highly professional beggars.
“The gang all claim to be members of a single yet extraordinarily extended family,” said Windsor Vagrants’ spokesperson Lindsay Tarsal. “What we do know is they use various aliases, often chosen to sound like your local. The Duke of Kent, the Prince of Wales, the Pig and Whistle… oh, hang on, that last one was David Cameron.”
“So now they’re heading down our way and all of a sudden, who would’ve guessed it, lo and behold, what’s their name now, ah, The Windsors of course, poncing about as though they own the place.”
Four more years of Donald Trump suddenly doesn’t seem so bad
An intelligent, articulate American woman has had her first real taste of the numbing void inhabited by the Daily Mail and its readers.
Some newspapers considered weighty matters this last week, such as economic implications of Brexit for the car industry.
Mail readers however, were invited to assess the merits of a woman they’ll never meet, based on grainy school photos and half-remembered or fully-invented anecdotes of Continue reading
Hooray, now no one has to do any thinking about anything for months.
The entire Cabinet dropped to their knees and wept tears of joy this morning as the National Distraction Machine aka the House of Windsor provided it with a perfect and enduring smokescreen. Continue reading
Probably a Royal Command Performance
Nuclear holocaust and Brexit worries have been put into perspective by news that William and Kate have had another successful coupling.
Kensington Palace announced Kate’s pregnancy today but have not confirmed which position was used, leading to speculation that the modernising royals may have taken a less traditional approach.
The BBC’s Nicholas Witchell reports that, like its parents, the new foetus is showing a real concern for others, whilst its ability to put people at their ease is very reminiscent of Princess Diana. Continue reading
It only takes a second to be safe and it could’ve saved us from both endless conspiracy theory bulltwang and Paul Burrell ever becoming a thing
Two decades have passed since the nation was brought to a standstill by a very good example of why you should always wear a seat belt. Continue reading
Laughing Boy is still waiting but will he get the votes?
Recent newspaper polls reveal that a majority of royalists somehow think they should have a say in who next wears the giant diamond and gold hat.
“I’ve been a firm royalist ever since watching the Alf Garnett documentaries” said Harold’s Alec Fairchild, interviewed on behalf of the Daily Express. “Alf really knew his stuff and clearly explained the benefits of the monarchy. No, I can’t actually remember Continue reading
‘So tired, can’t brain. Will “Woman who’s been dead for twenty years, still dead” do as a headline?’
The end of August currently seems to be a hundred years away for knackered tabloid journalists ordered to write as much Princess Diana related bobbins as possible day after day. Continue reading
Looks like One has just spotted a peasant
Alarmed at no longer being able to simply dispatch her husband to go and open a badger sanctuary whenever he starts getting on the royal tits, the Queen has spent some of our money on buying him a shed to sit in. Continue reading
“The bloody woman still has my crown”
The Queen will not wear ceremonial robes in Parliament today, partly because she’s going on to Ascott later but mainly because Mrs May hasn’t returned them.
The PM apparently borrowed them to rehearse her own “promise to work with humility and resolve” speech in front of her bathroom mirror and refuses to hand them back.
“Her Majesty has always appreciated haute couture,” said a Downing Street spokeman “sorry, did I say Her Majesty? I meant the Prime Minister.” Continue reading
“Oh and skiing, I love skiing too”
Prince William says he doesn’t have to do any work at all if he doesn’t feel like it.
“I’m second in line to the throne, do you see?” He explained to a meeting of Fleet Street editors today. “That’s how it is with a monarchy, I was sure you’d all know.”
“Didn’t any of you study British Constitution at school? I was going to take it at A level but learned all I needed to know at GCSE. It was brilliant, my favourite subject.”
“The thing is” the Prince went on Continue reading
“OMG! Best news evar!”
The oldest and most vulnerable in our society are happy that one of them, an elderly lady known only as Mrs E. Windsor is having her house refurbished at tax payers expense. Continue reading
Brown envelopes seem more appropriate but Bacs transfer will have to do
Whilst her former flunkey, Ronald Harper begins a five-stretch, over a trifling £100K bung, 90 year-old Elizabeth Windsor has dodged prosecution again, despite pocketing that amount and more, weekly, for over sixty years.
Based on nothing more than Mrs Windsor popping out of the right vagina in the early 20th century, a web of her relatives, many of them German or Greek immigrants, has taken advantage of the UK’s generous social security system ever since. Continue reading
Former Smiths front-man Steven “Morrissey” Morrissey spends his days quietly scanning the Times obituary columns for news of Queen Elizabeth II, knowing that when she finally does pass away, his 1986 Album ‘The Queen is Dead’ will most likely be swept to number 1 by a sombre, patriotic nation.
Morrissey practising his mournful look
“We [The Smiths] toyed with the idea of a perennial Christmas song, like Mariah Carey and Wham did, but the market was a bit crowded, so ‘How Soon is Christmas?’ eventually became the track we all know as ‘How Soon is Now?’, and ‘Santa in a Coma’ just got binned,” chirped the happy-go-lucky crooner.
“Then Johnny [Marr] said we should put down a track that played the long game – a little retirement bonus for us if you will – and we bounced around some ideas for blue ocean strategies, where we would be guaranteed to be the go-to track when some inevitable future event happened.”
That track was ‘The Queen is Dead’, and the album of the same name became one of the defining albums of the eighties, but Morrissey expects a revival of its success when the Queen finally does die.
Morrissey points to the boost Prince got when 1999 eventually happened, and the windfall enjoyed by The Primitives following the death of Princess Diana, and chuckles, “This is one set of royalties I’m really looking forward to.”
Is this her O face?
1. Is frequently found in Windsor Castle corridors drunk and yelling “Fuck Magna Carta, I want a real go.”
2. Is the only monarch in the 20th century to have beaten a pope at Hungry Hippos (Pope Paul VI 1972).
3. Has completed all Panini football sticker books since 1976 apart from 1982 when Charles refused to swap a Kenny Dalglish with her.
4. Was involved in a hot threesome with Elton John and David Furnish, although the newspapers are still not allowed to report on the matter.
5. Is the undefeated champion of Trivial Pursuit in the Crowned Heads of Europe League, and seven times winner in the World Monarch Championships.<!–more–>
6. Was the original choice to front the eponymous rock band, before being pipped at the post by Freddie Mercury following a tense Queen-off.
7. When playing chess, does not allow her opponent to use a Queen. As such she is undefeated.
8. Had breast augmentation for when she used to pole dance on the Royal Yacht Britannia’s summer cruises
9. Was a huge fan of 80s group Devo and their hit ‘Whip It’, performing her own dance interpretation at Palace garden parties.
10. Is the owner of the world’s longest fossilised dog turd.
Measuring in at a whopping 39″ in length, the turd is believed to have been laid by a royal ancestor’s Wolfhound.
11. Owns an 8′ Anaconda named Nagini which is trained to suppress all opposing views held by mortal enemies. It also doubles as one of her Horcruxes.
12. Has never got bored of hearing the national anthem. And wishes that everyone still sang all the verses.
Narrow escape from the ginger menace
Following the arrest of the so-called “Ginger Terrorist” who planned to murder Prince Charles, Prime Minister David Cameron has announced that British bomber planes will immediately begin pre-emptive strikes in Scotland to counter the Ginger extremist threat.
The Ginger Terrorist hoped to make royal ginger Harry next in line to the throne, as a first step in a glorious Ginger Revolution, which would see the rest of the country forever under the auburn jackboot of the carrot-topped army.
Cameron plans to attack known centres of ginger extremism, such as Glasgow, where over 90% of the population are thought to support gingerist causes.
“Let’s hush this up, Queenie baby!”
The myth that Christianity is a peace-loving gentle religion was shattered today after moderate Christians the world over pointedly failed to condemn extreme Christian terrorists who shamefully massacred several people in Colorado.
Instead of sending out a strong message to the faithful, Christian community leaders chose to implicitly support the Colorado massacre by their refusal to denounce it.
One Christian leader, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, head of the murky “Church of England”, claimed she was too busy ruling her people to comment, but it was “nothing to do with one”. Continue reading
One small drop for the NHS, one giant leap for the National Debt.
A Department of Health proposal to reclassify homeopathy as pure cuckoo and so exclude it from NHS spending has come under fire from the alternative therapies industry.
The Department of Health says that there is no scientific evidence to support homeopathy as an effective form of medical treatment and it must be removed entirely from NHS spending. But that is missing the whole point, says local alternative practitioner George Tredinnick.
“It’s a complete category error to want to apply scientific principles to homeopathy, which by its very nature relies on Belief in Magic,” he said. “Unfortunately, Government Ministers have not one tiny drop of imagination between them.”
Escaping their roots?
Following the conviction of a “ginger extremist” for plotting to kill Princes Charles and William, the Daily Mail has revealed that up to 50% of so-called refugees from Syria could actually be secret gingers on a mission to undermine the UK’s brown and blond society.
“People see heartbreaking pictures of migrants in boats apparently fleeing a warzone,” argued Mail editor Paul Dacre today, “But have you ever noticed how many of them are wearing hats?”
“Many of them are coming over here, claiming to be light brown or ‘strawberry blonde’, but it’s clear that in many cases this is nothing but a ruse.”
A spokesperson from the UK’s National Council of Gingers expressed shock at the assumption that redheads were terrorists based purely on the colour of their hair.
“It may be true that many of the refugees follow are of ginger background,” he explained, “But the vast majority of gingers are peaceful, hard-working folk, even if they do look a bit funny.”
Instances of gingerphobia are on the rise worldwide, as seen in the recent incident in a US school when a ginger pupil was arrested by police after bringing in a comb which teachers found threatening.
President Obama attempted to make it up to the boy by inviting him to visit the White House any time he wants, provided he wears some sort of hair net, and a message of solidarity was issued from the National Association for the Advancement of Bald People.
Kate’s hair stylishly located on her head
Kate Middleton has hair, and you can too!
Kate’s hair is, in the classical tradition, stylishly located on her head.
The secret to having hair like Kate is to make sure you have hair on your head too. Simply look in a mirror at eye level, look up a bit, and if you see hair, you are in luck!
Don’t have a mirror? No problem! Put your finger between your eyes, raise it up a few inches, and if you feel something stringy, you have hair like Kate! If you feel something stringy, and then something scalpy, you have hair like William, ha, ha, ha!
Left Twix or Righ Twix?
A relaxed and tanned Duchess of Cambridge has made her first solo official visit since the birth of Princess Charlotte in May.
Sporting a smart new fringe, the Duchess, 33, visited the Anna Freud Centre to learn how the charity is working to help young people with mental health issues.
“It really gave me something to think about, seeing someone so effortlessly beautiful Continue reading