The death of novelist Ruth Rendell has prompted a police investigation after a suggestion on Twitter that her death may the work of serial killer, following the recent death of her friend, bestselling author PD James.
“It sounds like an unlikely plot from one of their own novels, but it is true that our enquires were prompted by a social media report,” confirmed a uniformed police commissioner, whose only apparent qualification for his exalted position seemed to be an ability to panic in the face of a hostile press; and thus provide an object of scorn for the investigating officers.
“The killer is at large, but there is no need to panic, unless you are the author of character based crime fiction set in the UK with a quirky but well-meaning police inspector as the hero,” he continued. Continue reading
Just say No
Future meetings of the Harold knitting circle have been cancelled following an outbreak of Hepatitis B among the group. Continue reading
Quis custodiet ipsos custodes – quick the custard has ipsos in it
In the last five years over sixty Met police officers in the diplomatic protection squad which guard politicians and royals, yes even Prince Edward, have been done for misconduct.
“It’s weird,” said Assistant Commissioner Mark Rowley. “It’s almost as if when you tell someone they’re superior to the rest of us and allow them to stay in a privileged position unchallenged and pretty much unaccountable for years that they will start to abuse their power more or less by default. And some of the officers guarding these arseholes have behaved quite badly too.” Continue reading
Saudi cleric Sheikh Mohammed Saleh al-Munajjid has issued a ban on the building of snowmen in the north of the country following the appearance overnight of a 3 foot tall icy effigy of the Prophet Mohammed.
In a statement the cleric declared that to make statues in the form of any human was sinful, but to make one that looks a bit like how they imagine someone who lived 1400 odd years ago but of whom, not surprisingly, no pictures exist in a medium that doesn’t really lend itself to accurate depictions of facial features; particularly eye colour, skin tone and general beard scraggliness; was not only highly blasphemous, but also quite silly.
Photo for satirical purposes only. Any resemblance to religious figures living or dead is purely coincidental.
Saudi riot police were despatched to the area where they set about smashing up, shooting and beheading all the offending snow demons and arresting groups of small children armed with an array of deadly bobble hats, scarves and woolly mittens.
Police eventually managed to restore order by arresting the ringleader, a jolly happy soul with a corn cob pipe and a button nose and two eyes made out of coal following a brief shootout at the offices of a French Santarist magazine.
The police guard who shot President Obama last night as the head of state was striding across the White House lawns toward the presidential helicopter, has defended his actions saying that he “simply did his duty after seeing a suspicious black guy apparently stealing the President’s official helicopter.”
Wayne Derumbo, a white 29 year old US Park Officer, who was on his first day of duty at the White House when he shot the President said, “I simply did what any officer would do and fired at the black guy as he arrogantly made his way towards Marine One. I didn’t like his attitude, you’d have thought he owned the chopper or something.” Continue reading
Handy guide for Police stop & search decisions
The Police Federation has rowed back on its welcome for the stop & search Code of Conduct, which at first they’d mistakenly taken to be a ‘colour code’.
“To say we’re disappointed would be an understatement” said spokesperson John Bigot
“We’d even had a batch of Dulux-type colour charts made for new officers, to take the guesswork out of their racism until they’re up to speed.”
A suspicion that a citizen might not have generations of English born ancestors, dating back to 1066, will no longer be sufficient to justify Continue reading