Category Archives: Housing

Government reveals £10bn “Help to buy Election” scheme

Signs of the times. Come on, get moving!

After finally tracking down the magic money tree in the back garden of 10 Downing Street, the government believes what the housing market really needs is not, as idiots might think, more homes but an injection of cash into the market to help home owners, like your gran, feel happier as prices rise.

“But it’s not just elderly Daily Mail readers who’ll benefit from a £10bn boost in house price inflation,” said Theresa May “No, some Continue reading

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Housing Crisis: Huge rise in people living inside whales

Tonga2

Family home and granny flat

As Tory millionaires with at least two homes each gleefully reduce council house stock and preside over a housing market more out of control than Kim Jong-un at a cheeseboard, more and more people are setting up home inside whales.

“It’s embarrassing,” nurse Toni Morris told us. “I’m thirty and been working full time since uni but there’s no way I can get on the housing ladder. I never thought I’d find myself ‘doing a Jonah’ but here I am.” Continue reading

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PM to demolish the worst social housing, before selling-off the rest

Cameron-concernedface

Dave practices his Very Earnest face

Like his idol Churchill before him, David Cameron has launched his own version of Blitz spirit only in a modern twist he’ll be the one flattening thousands of people’s homes.

Many of the UK’s worst estates will be bulldozed, in his Blitz on poverty, creating more space for rich people.

Appearing on The Andrew Marr Show, the Prime Minister wore his Very Earnest face, answering questions so fluently one might almost imagine he’d sent them in to the BBC in advance. Continue reading

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Government to build 13,000 pre-flooded houses in lake

houseinlake

Some rising damp

Stung by criticism of its housing and flood relief policies, the government has announced plans to kill two birds with one stone by building 13,000 new homes at the bottom of a large lake.

Outlining the idea, Prime Minister David Cameron explained that although it seemed initially counter-intuitive, the scheme would bring huge benefits through reducing uncertainty and bringing a “consistent environment where householders can plan ahead with confidence, without constant need for government bail-out.”

“In this unpredictable climate, people have no idea what to expect,” he argued. “Dry one day, wet the next – it’s all over the place. What we’re offering is a lifestyle where people really know where they stand. At the bottom of a lake.” Continue reading

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Unused left-hand lane of M1 to be dug up and used for affordable homes

audi-in-middle-lane

Sticking to the middle lane gives me the option to doze off

The Department for Transport says the ‘unproductive’ left hand lane and grass verges of the UK’s busiest motorway will be redeveloped for social and affordable homes.

“We were going to teach people to drive properly but when Hammond called for more departmental cuts I thought ‘why bother?'” said minister, Chris Grayling.

“As the former justice minister I’m used to destroying redundant structures, such as the prison service. In fact I might pop along help with this. I’ve still got the sledge hammer I used on the Legal Aid system Continue reading

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Poverty to be limited to the poor, pledges Osborne.

Mwahaha, Mwahahahahaha. Ahahaha.

Mwahaha, Mwahahahahaha. Ahahaha.

George Osborne has pledged to eradicate all money problems for poor people after the next election by doing away with all money for poor people. Continue reading

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Labour to delay publishing manifesto until after General Election to focus on saving the NHS

One of Labour's controversial new posters

One of Labour’s controversial new posters

Faced with increasing internal pressure to come up with fresh policy ideas, Labour Party strategists have come up with what they describe as a ‘sure fire election winner’ by postponing the publication of their election manifesto until after the General Election.

In interviews over the next few days, leaders will deny accusations that this is due to a dearth of policies by regurgitating their new set of NHS saving mantras which they have spent the last six months working on.

According to an insider at Labour HQ, Ed Miliband feels that working on a lengthy manifesto, which will only provide ammunition to opponents and is never read by the electorate, is a waste of time and resources. The thinking is that Labour can get their message across far more convincingly with sound bites and random promises to throw money at target voters. Continue reading

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Cameron launches ‘whole-house subsidy’ for Young Conservatives

No, subsidies are for rich people. Don't you have any shares you can sell?

Cameron and IDS explain how housing policy works, to a person with little money. “Hmm, subsidies aren’t really for poor people. Are you sure you have no shares you can sell?”

David Cameron has announced that a new Tory Government would build 100,000 new houses, to be sold at 20% under market value to first time buyers under 40.

“But they must be hard working people, this will be no something-for-nothing handout for lazy or even moderately well performing people” said the man who’s had everything in life presented to him on a silver salver, Continue reading

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