Domini Raab outside the Supreme Court. Oh, too late
Fingernails down a blackboard in human form, people’s democratic champion Dominic Raab shocked viewers this morning, by vanishing up his own a*se during a live TV interview.
Raab, who comes second only to Michael Gove as the Tory MP you’d most like to punch, was on BBC TV News this morning, wittering on about Brexit; his only interest, apart from The Life and Times of Dominic Raab.
Standing on the street outside the Supreme Court (only Pinewood’s James Bond set can now accommodate his massive head), Continue reading
Carney struggles to make himself clear to morons
Mark Carney has warned the UK to curb it’s credit card use, because any Brexit windfall will go to the Treasury, not direct to morons.
Borderline simpleton and pub bore, Alec Fairchild, dismissed Carney’s fears, however. “I’d rather take Boris Johnson’s word over that of a Canadian immigrant.”
“And don’t get me started again about the ‘£350 million for the NHS’ on the side of a bus.” he insisted “Us leavers aren’t stupid. We all knew that wasn’t true and Boris has admitted it. But, if the £350 million isn’t going to the NHS … it must be going somewhere else.” Continue reading
Filed under Brexit, idiots, News
Most of them have doodles of Gove on a gallows on the cover
Another secret document has been photograhed being carried along Downing Street. “To be honest, this one’s got us stumped.” said a senior official “Short of putting papers in our pockets, we’re powerless.”
Now though, Harold inventor Dr Rachel Guest has come up with a novel solution which she hopes will be considered by Ministers.
“Desperate times, desperate measures.” says Dr Guest, who’s worked on the problem for two years. “Theresa May says it’s foolish to reveal her strategy to EU negotiators, but that approach could be undermined if any of them have a camera and know how to get to Downing Street.” Continue reading
He’s the hero we deserve
Tony Blair has kindly popped up to give everyone a bloody good laugh by claiming that he will now seek to influence UK politics from the “progressive left or centre-left”.
Wiping tears of mirth from her eyes Harold’s Labour Councilor Nina O’Neil said that this had “cheered her up a treat” and that “it’s good to step away from politics and Trump and Brexit and laugh at something absurd. Is Tony Blair the new parrot sketch?”
“The idea that a war-mongering, dodgy business owning, where do you even start with the wife, possessor of a fortune built on the blood of Iraqi children, psycho-Christian could in any way represent the left is just hilarious,” she said. “Can he be on BBC1 on Christmas Day instead of Mrs Brown?”
Claims he’s a doctor but he’s still an illegal alien. No more, let’s take back control
The Ministry of Truth-approved version of dull people thinking they’re cutting loose classic, the Time Warp, is almost impossible to dance to, would-be revellers have complained.
As culture continues to undergo evaluation and correction to make it suitable for Brexit Britain the Time Warp has failed to be improved. “It’s rubbish,” said disappointed terpsichorean, Jane Hough. “It’s just a jump to the right and then a step to the right, with your right arm in the air, women, keep your knees in tight, there’s no pelvic thrust…How do you dance to that?”
“The whole thing becomes a mess of disgruntled people milling around not knowing what they’re doing and having no fun,” she said. “What that’s got to do with Brexit I can’t imagine.”
Wear them or die. We give it five years before that’s a real law
The Daily Mail, an evil early post-war village fête where all the cakes taste like hate and the top prize in the raffle is a trip to throw stones at the Windrush as she docks in word form, is today demanding the death penalty for the three judges who ruled that MPs should vote on Brexit after they were photographed not wearing poppies. Continue reading
Him and Matt Baker run a fight club #FACT
Despite most Brits being obese city dwellers who wouldn’t know a badger if they found one in their kitchen whipping up a batch of parkin, Amber Rudd has announced that every citizen of Brexit Britain is now required to watch Countryfile. Continue reading
Vinnie Jones says Britain would be complete pussies to choose anything other than hard Brexit.
“It’s about self-respect” said Jones. “Soft Brexit sounds like something the French would do to appease the Germans.”
Brexit lifts us up where we belong
Minister for Brexit, David Davis, is to promise the UK what it needs in a speech at the Tory conference.
“Will it hurt?” he will say. “Not for me. For you, that’s a different matter. Hurt is such a subjective expression, don’t you think?” Continue reading
But the bus, oh the bus was beautiful. Surely something that pretty cannot lie?
As Theresa May says no way to Brexit promises on immigration and the NHS while leaders at the G20 summit queue up to tell her they’d rather trade with some ducks and a pie than Britain, even Daily Mail readers are realising that Brexit is bobbins. Continue reading
Va te faire foutre, souris de merde!
Shouty gnome on a mission to make everything at least twelve per cent more dreadful, Nicolas Sarkozy, has made a speech calling for Disneyland Paris to be moved to the other side of the Channel. Continue reading
Filed under Brexit, Europe
Gavin Mitchell says he doesn’t regret his Brexit vote even though a river of shit is running from his bathroom to the living room.
“Actually I’m proud of this river of shit” said the Britain First member. “It’s a symbol of how patriots like me stood up to those Eastern Europeans who were taking the piss, and, as it happens, taking the shit.”
Mitchell said living in a rapidly growing torrent of excrement was a small price to pay for taking back control of Britain’s drains and sewers.
Every picture of this poster has bl**dy Farage standing in front of it
UKIP has hailed the return of ‘traditional British values’ hate crimes.
In the sharp rise in hate crimes since the referendum, it sees an indicator that the country is already grinding inexorably back towards the 1950s.
“Obviously we’re a long way” said an unknown UKIP spokesman who was definitely not Nigel Farage “a long way away from seeing ‘No dogs or gypsies’ signs on pub doors again.”
“But Rome wasn’t built in a day. Continue reading
At last a leader with convictions, intelligence and razor-sharp cheekbones
The UK is under new leadership this morning following a coup by the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork, Lord Havelock Vetinari.
“Coup is a needlessly dramatic word,” Lord Vetinari told reporters. “I can hardly be said to have violently thrown a government from power when you don’t have one, or an Opposition. Both sides seem entirely preoccupied with what one might call ‘internal matters’. Indeed barely anyone noticed as I walked into Number Ten and installed myself in the best office and Drumknott in an suitable alcove nearby. The only person to do more than raise an eyebrow was Theresa May who I must say kicks like a mule and has a command of the baser aspects of the English language that is entirely formidable.” Continue reading
Filed under Brexit, Politics
We think he’ll do a purrfect job. Purrfect, get it? Purrfect. Please yourselves.
Speaking to a packed House of Commons David Cameron has confirmed that in order to provide the nation with leadership and stability Larry the cat, currently in post as Downing Street’s top mouser, will be Prime Minister very soon.
“This country is divided and facing economic armageddon,” Cameron said from the dispatch box. “I don’t know why everyone’s pointing and jeering as if that’s somehow my fault. Anyway, we need a strong leader and Larry is by some margin the most capable and popular member of this government. Plus no one knows who his dad is so there’s no Panama-style revelations lurking in any closets there.” Continue reading