Category Archives: Brexit

The May stood on the burning deck…

The May stood on the burning deck
Whence David Cameron had fled;
The bus o’lies that started all this dreck
A rusted heap long dead.
Yet strong and stable she stood,
To the EU she would not yield –
A creature of Oxford and the Bank of England,
Who’d rather run through a wheat field. Continue reading

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Iain Duncan Liar backs Boris Liar

The bald one remembering drowning kittens in a sack

Former Tory leader and leading sociopath, Iain Duncan Liar has supported Boris Liar, who reprised their best known lie over the weekend.

“The lie was really successful in 2016”, said the bald one “so it would have been criminal to retire it. As Michael Liar put it last year, we’ve had enough of experts and the same can be said about those who insist on sticking to the facts”.

Most Brexiters now say they never believed the EU cost the UK £350m a week anyway, for fear of looking like steaming dullards and Continue reading

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Call for tougher border controls on Tony Blair coming back into the UK

Happier times, when he was out of the country

Tony Blair’s call for tougher rules on EU migration has been met by calls for tougher rules on him coming in and out of the UK, especially the coming in bit.

Mr Blair has written an article in the Sunday Times, after downloading a PhD thesis on the EU and copying out all the parts which back his own view, only in a different font. Sadly this has been reported across all media, together with pictures of The Great Leader, spoiling breakfast for millions around the country.

An online petition, calling for Blair’s passport to be revoked the next time he strays beyond territorial waters, had gained 900,000 signatures by 9am this morning.

“Brexit wil be the biggest shit-fest for the UK since world war two, only this time the US won’t be bailing us out.” said Carly Jeffery, a teaching assistant at St Mary’s in Harold. “Imagine the Captain of the Titanic backing it up after the crash, then taking a second run at the iceberg. Like that but worse.”

“I voted remain, because I don’t believe in assisted suicide. Even so, every time I see Blair’s sanctimonious mug popping up on my TV, I’m tempted to join Ukip just to spite him.”

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Liam Fox: “EU mustn’t blackmail UK” (he himself has never been blackmailed)

“Does my head look big in this studio? And it’s Doctor Fox to you, you BBC bastards.”

Liam Fox says choosing the word ‘blackmail’, to warn about the EU’s Brexit approach, wasn’t informed by personal experiences of being blackmailed over something from his past he’d prefer to keep private, locked away, in a closet.

In fact, Fox believes words should be carefully used. As a former GP, he insists on being called Doctor Fox and addresses colleagues in like manner; Journalist Gove, Serial Business Failure Rudd, and Congenital Liar Johnson. Continue reading

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David Davis explains slowness of Brexit talks: “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“It’s not fair.” Davis is upset that the EU is clearly negotiating in its own best interests,

“The thing is,” said David Davis, answering questions on the glacial progress of the Brexit talks “I haven’t a clue how the EU works. So it’s no surprise things are going slowly.”

“To be honest,” Davis went on “none of us know. Not Michael, not Boris, definitely not Theresa. When I ask the other side for help they Continue reading

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David Davis: “Young Mr Grace says Brexit is going ‘incredibly well'”

“Wibble.” David Davis, just after taking his pants off his head

The Minister for Exiting Our Right Minds said today that the Brexit process is great and a character from a 1970s sit-com, young Mr Grace, has told him he’s personally ‘done very well’.

Speaking on R4’s Today programme this morning, David Davis took his pants from his head, two HB pencils from his nose and explained that the lack of clarity, over the government’s plan, is intentional, calling it “constructive ambiguity”. No, really, that’s what he said. We didn’t Continue reading

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Leaked Game of Thrones episode mistaken for documentary on Brexit Britain

Would things really be much worse if he was in charge?

Fans of the tits ‘n’ dragons spectacular, Game of Thrones, are claiming that the episode leaked online is a hoax and that naughty hackers have put up a documentary on Britain instead.

“I’m very disappointed,” said local fan, Meya Begum. “It’s just crappy weather and miserable peasants being taken advantage of by a privileged few who couldn’t find their arses with a map. I was hoping to see The Wall but I’m sure I saw a branch of Greggs instead.”

“All you get to see is people being manipulated into ruining their lives because of a shiny slogan written on the side of a bus, I mean banner,” she said. “The only thing that makes me wonder if it’s fantasy after all is that in this all the poor people are thin.”

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Shock as “Harry Potter and the Brexit Negotiation” fails to capture readers imaginations

Blimey, Harry’s not aged well

Though for years it has been thought that even a book containing nothing more than the same picture of a puddle on every page would sell millions of copies as long as readers were assured that the puddle was in the grounds of Hogwarts, the legend of The Boy Who Lived has finally failed. Beaten not by a terrifying Dark Wizard but by a sweaty meeting room in Brussels.

“This new story’s rubbish,” said local Harry Potter fan, Jane Hough. “I’m prepared to believe in magic, flying cars, house elfs and all that. But this new book claims that Harry’s leading the Brexit negotiations with no plan and no idea of the consequences. That’s just too far-fetched.”

“And I don’t agree with changing Ron and Hermione’s names. Ron’s now this loud blond buffoon who does nothing constructive but seems to think he’s going to be the next Prime Minister and Hermione’s a brittle nightmare who only ever says three words at a time: “Brexit means Brixit”, “strong and stable”, “confidence and supply”. Has a Dementor sucked out her brain as well as her soul?”

“I might stick with it to the end. Hopefully Harry’ll be a hero after all and cast the obliviate spell on everyone and then we’ll forget Brexit was ever going to happen.”

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Brexiters advised to hold referendum if unhappy with Brexit talks outcome

Look, the answer is as plain as this £350m gold brick I’m holding

Brexiters wanting a skydiver-without-parachute EU exit have been reminded that a referendum might be the answer.

Remainer Jason Beesley from Harold says he “feels the pain” of hard Brexiters and suggests an advisory, binary, Yes/No poll might clarify what the UK public wants.

“That’s a rubbish idea.” said Continue reading

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Man planning hard divorce hires chainsaw to split the assets

David Davis photographed when he found out he’ll still have to pay the debts

A Dunstable man going through a divorce has hired a chainsaw with which to split the family assets and he’ll start with the house itself.

“It’s got a wooden frame so it should be quite easy, as long as I don’t hit any nails” said David Davis “I assume that’s what she meant by ‘sparks are going to fly’, when I told her about it.”

Davis won’t consider a soft divorce, where everything is discussed beforehand. “I want to crash out of the marriage without any agreement, so I’ve insulted my wife and her lawyers as much as I can. My mate Boris told me that’s the best way to get what you want – which in my case is Continue reading

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Captain Pugwash and crew to police UK fishing waters

The Black Pig is now sixty-five per cent of the entire Royal Naval fleet.

In a post-Brexit attempt to have less friends than that weird kid from your primary school whose smell could make a statue vomit and had a plaster over one lens of his NHS glasses the government has announced that it will be enforcing control of UK fishing waters. Continue reading

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With Brexit “‘as complicated as moon landing”, conspiracy theorists predict it will be faked on a movie set

If you look carefully, you’ll see Nigel Farage directing the actors

Shortly after David Davis said that Brexit was “‘as complicated as moon landing”, conspiracy theorists across the country muttered “It’ll all be faked.”, tapped their noses, and adopted knowing smiles.

Harold conspiracy theorist Adam Cassidy, who knows that cannabis cures cancer, aliens landed at Roswell, and Tories have your best interests at heart, says the 1978 documentary Capricorn One proves that governments repeatedly fool Continue reading

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Quelle surprise!” PM’s Brexit intervention makes things even worse

Alone, even in a family of nations

The baby-sitter on the doorstep who’d make you seriously re-think going out at all, has clumped all over Brexit talks in her size 10s, like a fart at an investiture.

Hard on the heels of David Davis’ Day 1 U-turn, the PM has waded into Brexit talks with an offer to EU nationals post-Brexit, to show her colleagues the real meaning of a car-crash.

Donald Tusk described Mrs May’s plan as being “below expectations”, which is Polish for f-cking useless. Angela Merkel, on the other hand was clear that there’d been “no breakthrough”, which is German Continue reading

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“I thought I might hold out for weeks!” David Davis celebrates Day 1 cave-in

“I won’t necessarily fold so easily next time. I will of course”

Minister for riding the Brexit bomb, David Davis, is chuffed that he’s already completed his first U-turn on only the first day of Brexit talks.

“No one reveals their hand at the start of negotiations,” chuckled Davis, whose biggest success at wheeler-dealing was getting us to pay for mowing the paddocks at his country house.

“I won’t necessarily fold so easily next time.” he said, after flat-spotting his tyres with the speed of his about-turn on timetabling, before admitting “I will of course, but Continue reading

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EU Brexit team suffering from hysterical laughter after May’s U-turn

EU negotiators when the news first broke. Medics were called soon after

EU Brexit negotiators are making a good recovery in hospital, after Mrs May’s U-turn on social care funding left their team helpless with laughter and struggling to remain upright.

Speaking from his hospital bed, the EU’s top Brexit negotiator, Michael Barnier wiped tears from his cheeks and said the team should be home by the weekend, “provided that Theresa stays out of the news”.

Unfortunately, even as Barnier was speaking, a colleague from a bed further down the ward called out “Strong and stable” in an irritating voice, reducing them both to quivering jellies Continue reading

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Electorate ‘just teasing’, warns Labour Leader

Having a laugh on Red Nose Day.

Jeremy Corbyn says that while he initially felt a little disappointed with the clobbering Labour took in the Local Elections, he remains totally confident that the people will be right behind him when it comes to the ‘real thing’ on 8 June.

“It’s obvious now that quite a lot of people were having a bit of a laugh on Thursday,” he said.  “There is, of course, such a thing as the rebellious ironic tactical vote.  But when, just by chance, huge chunks of the electorate have the same fun idea at the same time, the result can be a highly misleading picture of the mood of the country.  Fortunately, I can see straight through it.” Continue reading

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Mrs May pledges buckets of chips for everyone

Mrs May negotiating a chip.

The Conservative Party has started its campaign of checking the quality of chips in every town in the country.

“I have been absolutely clear right from the start that the foundation of a strong economy is a good plate of chips,” she told the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg.

“Historically, we’ve always been a nation built on potatoes and we welcome the diversity of modern potato products, like crisps and waffles, along with the more traditional formats, such as roast potatoes and, of course, chips.  Not to mention jacket potatoes, which provide not only carbohydrates but also clothing for poor people.” Continue reading

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Threatening the other side “a good negotiating strategy” says May

Come on then, Juncker, if you think you’re hard enough

Theresa May says firing off threats and insults is the bedrock of successful negotiations and so she’ll be a “bloody difficult woman” towards Jean-Claude Juncker during Brexit talks.

Reviving a line used during her leadership campaign, when she didn’t need opponents to like her afterwards, she added “Come on then Juncker, if you think you’re hard enough!”

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UK Brexit negotiators to bargain ‘with actual chips’

EU citizens in the UK, British citizens living abroad, and now Gibraltar.

The list of things that are ‘not on the table’ and ‘will not be used as bargaining chips’ grows ever longer. But sources close to the government have revealed that we might end up bargaining with actual chips!

UK negotiators could bring parcels of our piping hot, newspaper-wrapped national dish and offer chips, a battered sausage, or even a bite of fishcake in exchange for “the best possible deal for the United Kingdom”.

Access to free market…fancy a chip, Angela?
Access to health services for Brits…batter scraps, Monsieur?

However, UK negotiators could snatch away the bargaining chips at the last minute and eat them all by themselves, warn sources, and the EU team would just have to lump it.
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“I’ll represent wealthy old Tories in Brexit negotiations” vows PM

“Execute Order 66…er…I mean Article 50.”

At 12:30 this afternoon Theresa May will stand in the House of Commons and read a statement formally beginning the start of Brexit and her tireless work on behalf of rich and elderly Conservative voters. Continue reading

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