Category Archives: Brexit

Flatulent darts player accidentally leaks Rees-Mogg’s Brexit plan

Pro-hard-Brexit Conservatives have had their plans thrown into disarray after their secret rival proposal for exiting the EU was ‘leaked’ by a professional darts player.

Gary Anderson of Scotland and Dutch man Wesley Harms were contesting the Gland Slam of Darts, when one of the two athletes spontaneously produced a hellish eruption of gas from his non-throwing end.

As the stench of rotten eggs thickened in the sporting arena,  a junior Brexit minister was seen to rush the stage, wafting frantically with a large piece of cardboard, while grown men burst into tears and vomited.

Urging the wafting minion on from the back of the hall was a mysterious cloaked figure in a top hat, shouting out: “Don’t let them get a sniff! They’re not supposed to find out what a giant turd this all is until next year!”

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1922 Committee receives 66 million letters of no confidence in Theresa May

Crowd queuing politely to deliver their letters of no confidence

Sir Graham Brady, the chair of the Conservative party’s influential “1922 Committee”, has confirmed that he has received over 66 million letters of no confidence in the Prime Minister – well above the 48 needed to trigger a leadership vote.

“The letters had been trickling in from unhappy backbenchers and the entire cabinet,” confirmed Sir Graham, “But it’s really taken off in the last day or so.”

“It’s almost as if every single man, woman and child in the country thinks that Theresa May is a total fucking disaster.”

“In fact, it looked like there was only one person in the UK who didn’t write, until just now, when I’ve noticed we have a further disgusted letter, from a T. May, of Downing Street, W1.”

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Spirit of Schrödinger’s cat invoked to solve Irish border problem

A séance held by the UK Brexit team has called upon Schrödinger’s ghost to help resolve the Irish border issue.

“What we need,” said Mrs May, “is a border that exists in the EU’s mind, but which is invisible to the DUP.”

The séance was delayed while HM Stationery Office searched their cupboard for an umlaut to go over the ‘o’ in Schrödinger. But the search was fruitless, despite a senior civil servant swearing blind he’d seen one in there only last week. Continue reading

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Banksy-inspired Brexit Deal will shred itself the minute it’s signed

‘Mrs May as a child, reaching for Dreams’ isn’t the title.

A brand new Brexit Deal, drawn up by Banksy, will self-destruct as soon as it is signed.

The framework for the Deal is being kept a closely guarded secret, but insiders say it satisfies the demands of Leavers, Remainers and the EU.

“At first glance, the work lacks detail,” said Harold artist Beryl Blythe who was granted access to the piece, “but, when you step back, you see he has managed to stencil-in a solution to the Irish Border issue, draw up a workable plan for continuing trade and solve the question of free movement, all with lovely flowing lines and soft forms.”

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Hard Brexit to be broadcast in soft focus, BBC confirms

Should’ve gone to Specsavers

With a no-deal exit from the EU looming, the BBC is preparing to switch back to analogue signals, broadcasting on a UHF channel in 625 lines, to help soften the harsh reality.

“We’ve still got a 1940s valve microphone which has a rich, warm tone.  Coupled with the low image resolution of analogue broadcasting, we are ready to take the edge off the hardest of Brexits,” the BBC reassured Mrs May.

“You’ll need a Cathode Ray TV set and an X-shaped aerial,” says our media correspondent, “or you can download the app, Bygone Replicator, to turn your digital device off for you.” Continue reading

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Village kids urged to store up their own piss as Farage goes ‘back on the road’

Kids are being urged to take back control of their bladders

Harold’s children have been asked to stockpile bottles of wee, in readiness for Nigel Farage’s nationwide tour promoting the wonderful benefits of a damned hard Brexit.

“It ticks several boxes,” said Harold headteacher Alison Lee “recycling single-use plastic bottles, building community by working together for a noble goal and of course, expressing our appreciation for being royally fucked-over by an angry commodity-trading Continue reading

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Spider season: householders urged to keep them for post-Brexit trading

Doesn’t look happy, does it? Bet it’s a Remainer

It’s the time of year when eight-legged terror beasts sidle into British homes every bit as needy and unsettling as Kevin Spacey at a youth theatre picnic. However the government are urging people to welcome and nurture the original and least pretentious web-based artists ‘just in case’ as they might come in handy post-Brexit.
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‘We’ll trade on WTO rules!’ bellows idiot with no idea what WTO rules are

We googled ‘idiot’ & ‘complete f*cking idiot’ and one man kept cropping up. Any guesses?

“I’ve no idea what WTO means” agreed part-time village idiot Alec Fairchild today “but I’m sure Jacob Rees-Mogg has my best interests at heart and he is definitely not betting against the UK by setting up loads of businesses in Dublin.”

“Of course you have to have rules,” Fairchild acknowledged, speaking at Harold’s Squirrel Lickers Arms, where he’s pub-bore in residence.

“If Anthony Joshua just went round beating people up at random he’d never get anywhere Continue reading

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Charmless woman on charm-offensive

“Emmanuel. Philip is a big fan, he has all of your films.”

A charmless woman, with few friends and even fewer allies, has gone to the country which invented charm to try and charm its President.

Theresa May, a non-stick politician, whose understanding of charm is limited only by not having any, has been to France today to chat up President Macron.

Mrs May, who promised no election just before calling an election; said there’s no magic money tree just before shaking a magic money tree and giving the fruit to the DUP, and claims to be a Christian whilst giving all the money to the rich is, unsurprisingly, confident she will succeed.

As a committed EU member, France has delegated its brexit negotiations to the EU negotiator, Michel Barnier. So Mrs May thought the best thing to do was to try and bypass Barnier and subvert the whole process by having informal chats with heads of government.

“The PM believes in the divide and rule principle” said Downing Street today “It’s worked so well in the cabinet that she’s keen to try it out on a larger stage. No, me neither.”

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PM says it’s time to get on with it, after two years dithering by ‘one of the countries involved’

“Can’t you even give me a hint which country it is?”

The sloth in human form, Theresa May, has said it’s time everyone realised that ‘the clock’ is ticking’ on Brexit negotiations and it’s now time to ‘get on with it’.

The PM is due to meet leaders of Austria, Estonia and the Czech Republic this week and will urge them to pull their fingers out. “Some leaders ‘get it’ and have been very helpful” said Mrs May “but I’m told, by those who know, that one country doesn’t even know what it wants, much less Continue reading

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‘It’s not too late to save my career’ says Boris Johnson

Help me, my career is going down the wazzoo

The serial-liar and self-publicist, Boris Johnson, has called on Theresa May to save his vaunting ambition to become Prime Minister by acceding to his ridiculous demands.

“Whiff-waff, whiff-whaff, ping-pong, fuzzy-wuzzy” said Johnson, addressing the House of Commons in a resignation speech this afternoon.

Whilst praising the PM’s resilience, he said that her Chequers plan would see his ambitions for high office in “miserable limbo. Which is apparently some dance done by blacks”. He said, adding “I haven’t actually googled it.”

Johnson quit ten days ago, saying that he could not support a plan which didn’t involve him ending up as Prime Minister

The BBC said Mr Johnson’s friends were insisting he was not trying to emulate Geoffrey Howe, whose caustic resignation speech in 1990 is widely seen as having paved the way for Margaret Thatcher’s downfall weeks later.

“No, Boris wants to be become Prime Minister by acclamation, ideally being driven by chariot up The Mall, throwing grapes to the assembled throng” said Brexiteer lunatic and Iain Duncan Smith stooge, Steve Baker MP.

“Do you want anyone beaten up?” said Johnson.

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Grylls appointed as Minister for Survival

“Not how I remember the wheat fields”

As members of her cabinet withdraw to pursue new opportunities and sharpen their knives, Theresa May has drafted in ex SAS tough guy Bear Grylls to help her survive.

“Bear has unparalleled experience in self-rescue, protection and combat. His knowledge of inhospitable terrain, and his ability to stomach lugworms is going to be essential as the Brexit negotiations enter this openly aggressive stage” said a Downing Street source. “The Prime Minister believes she can hold out for a good few months at Number Ten with Bear by her side.”

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Frying pan or Fire? Cabinet split over which plan to let the EU reject

Hmm… Frying pan or Fire? They both seem so attractive

Theresa May’s Cabinet remains divided over which plan it will put forward to be rejected by the EU’s negotiating team, five minutes after they receive it.

David Davis, who still needs help with his shoe laces, is in favour of the Frying Pan option, arguing this will allow the country more time to arrange a smooth transition to the Fire, sometime after Brexit Day, 29th March 2019.

In contrast, Liam Fox, whose only business experience is negotiating cheap hotel deals for his best friend, is said to favour going straight into the Fire. “Then we can sell the Frying Pan on eBay to finance the NHS. I’ve never mentioned it before but I used to be a doctor Continue reading

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Wetherspoon’s Tim Martin to exhale enough CO2 to get them through crisis

Blah blah blah, Brexit. Blah blah blah Brexit. Blah blah blah …

Windbag and Question Time regular, the alcohol-pusher Tim Martin, plans to keep talking at his usual rate over the weekend, providing enough CO2 to power a thousand Wetherspoon pubs and most of the UK’s abattoirs.

Martin took a break from telling everyone how wonderful Brexit is going to be for him, his minimum-wage staff*, and the alcohol treatment sector, to explain how Continue reading

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Crayfish removes claw to escape Brexit fan in pub

Colin, escaping into soup’s sweet release

A crayfish who sacrificed its own limb to survive an encounter in a pub with a vociferous Brexit fan has become an online hero.

Footage shows Colin the crustacean wedged in at the bar next to a tweed-suited Nigel Farage wannabe, before detaching one of its own claws to make a bid for freedom.

At first the tasty shellfish can be seen trying to deflect his assailant with a combination of uncomfortable body language and grunting, but the right-winger‘s first use of the phrase “political correctness gone mad” was enough to convince it that the loss of a claw was a small price to pay.

As the sounds of “I’m not racist, but some of them…” rang behind it, the crayfish hobbled quickly into the pub kitchen, seeking the back door and a handy stream behind the building. It was only to find itself trapped again when Mr Brexit, apparently oblivious to its discomfort, followed it into the kitchen and began extolling the mercantile opportunities of the Commonwealth.

At this point the crayfish realised the only option left to it was to hop into the boiling pan of soup bubbling on the stove, thus ending its torment forever.

Mystified, the Brexit lover returned to the bar to widen his audience, only to be surprised by a stampede of customers also rushing for the kitchen to dive into the sweet release of death by boiling.

 

 

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Jacob Rees-Mogg keen on ‘really hard landing’ for PM in Brexit sky-diving

Or even from the tower of my stately home

Jacob Rees-Mogg remains hopeful that the UK Brexit sky-diving team will secure a no-parachute outcome. “What this country needs is to thud into the ground at 122mph. Like a sack of stone-ground organic flour dropped from the loft of a nicely restored, timber-framed, 17th Century Tithe Barn.” said Rees-Mogg.

“Or to use another analogy, say a 61 year-old woman wrapped in a duvet, accidentally falling from the roof of a five storey, Old Westminster mansion, recently bought by a man who definitely doesn’t want Continue reading

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Gateshead passport printer De La Rue loses contract for ‘sounding a bit French’

Oops, wrong one. Well they all look the same, don’t they.

Comedy and Tragedy were blended together today in the Tory soup-maker to produce the finest ironic Brexit Smoothie yet.

Franco-Dutch firm Foux da fa fa et un homme qui s’appelle Lars have been awarded the contract to print the UK’s new non-EU passport, after Jacob Rees-Mogg said the existing Gateshead firm De La Rue ‘sounded a bit French’.

“The writing was on the wall,” he said. “Well, on a brass plate on the wall, anyway.”

Brexiteers’ heads have been exploding as they grapple between the desire to keep foreign hands off sovereign matters and the freedom to trade where we want. Continue reading

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Kippers throw Farage into the Thames

Following Nigel Farage’s protest about the UK government giving in to the EU by throwing fish into the Thames, the oily specimen found himself in the same boat when a dozen kippers rounded on him and dumped him in the choppy waters.

“He’s always banging on about self-determination,” said a spokesfish for the North Sea inhabitants, “but nobody’s bothered to ask us for our views.”

Totally wet and spineless, Nigel Farage is famous for having attended only one of over forty EU Fisheries Committee meetings as an MEP. Continue reading

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UK citizens urged to cut off noses to take control of their face

Suppositories in human form

Jacob Rees-Mogg and Nigel Farage have urged everybody in the UK to cut off their noses to take control of their face.

Rees-Mogg explains that noses are a wasteful European body part as it duplicates the role of breathing in and out which is already done perfectly well by the British mouth.

“Why bother having noses just because those Europeans do? To smell you say? That makes no sense” said Rees-Mogg.
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Brexit: Willo the Wisp to replace Will O’the People to cheer everyone up

As the UK political climate continues to be as relentlessly grim as that episode of Sesame Street which begins with Bert finally snapping and ends with him turning the gun on himself it has been announced that the very real Willo the Wisp will replace the entirely mythical will of the people in all future Brexit discourse. Continue reading

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