Category Archives: breaking news

Late Tax Return fine elevates Corbyn to Total Hero status

Hero.

Just an ordinary taxpayer.

Millions of people were celebrating last night after hearing the news that Jeremy Corbyn was fined £100 for a late Tax Return.

“Unlike Cameron, Corbyn only had one box to fill in,” said a tax expert, “but he despises all aspects of capitalism and fascist tax collectors in particular and basically couldn’t give a monkey’s nuts about their deadlines.  The man is Legend.”

“He had from early April until the end of the following January to submit his Tax Return,” explained local accountant Geoffrey King. “It’s a remarkable level of procrastination, normally only achievable by ordinary, hard-working people.  No wonder his popularity is on the increase.”

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Filed under Around Harold, breaking news, Facebook, Labour, News, Politics, Social media

Embarrassment for Cameron as his friends find out he’s not so wealthy after all

Bankrupt, both financially and morally.

Bankrupt, both financially and morally.

In a tearful interview with ITN’s Robert Peston, David Cameron has been forced to disclose that he’s not the fabulously wealthy millionaire many of his inner circle believed.

“I feel conned,” said one city banker.  “He’s not getting invited round my mansion again.”

Cameron spoke at length about how he was often on the verge of bankruptcy, how the mortgage company lay in wait, ready to repossess his home and sell it cheap at auction to a builder; and how he was forced to sneak down the food banks late at night disguised as a heroin addict and buy his suits from Oxfam.

“Samantha gives me earache every time I go overdrawn,” he said.

This is the first time Cameron has come clean about his true state of poverty.  And properly wealthy members of his inner circle are already beginning to distance themselves from him for his hypocrisy.

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Filed under breaking news, Father's Day, Media, News, Politics, Society

Gordon Brown ‘siphoned off millions into tax haven,’ say Tories

browningarden

“Incredibly, he even boasted about it,” says George Osborne

Media attention was diverted away from the Mossack Fonseca revelations today, following a leak of information from the UK Treasury Office which appears to implicate a former Labour Chancellor in what George Osborne described as the ‘biggest financial scam ever’.

“Gordon Brown siphoned off millions of pounds of taxpayers’ money into a secret tax haven known only by its codename,” said a communiqué issued by the Treasury. “They called it The Public Purse.”

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Filed under Around Harold, breaking news, Crime, Economy, Labour, Media, Politics, Tony Blair

Andy Murray loses birth of daughter to Novak Djokovic

nonak&kim

Unhappy times past, when Andy lost his wedding to Djokovic

Andy Murray has apologised for letting down his fans again, after unexpectedly losing the birth of his daughter to Novak Djokovic.

Although this was the first time Murray had made it through to the final round of a pregnancy, he was relaxed and happy before the event.

“I’d played well in the pre-natal classes” said the Scot. Continue reading

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Filed under breaking news, News, Sport

Cameron: “It’s a piece of paper in our time!”

cameron_paper

Unfortunately my copy seems to have been written in lemon juice

A jubilant David Cameron waved a hard-fought for contract in the air yesterday proclaiming “It’s a piece of paper, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!”

The PM used a visit to UK-based but German-owned firm as a metaphor for the new EU relationship he has hammered out.

“Unfortunately, my copy seems to have been written in lemon juice but I can remember it almost word for word, Continue reading

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Filed under breaking news, Europe, News, Politics

Outrage as Corbyn sacks man no one’s heard of from job that wasn’t real

Dugher

We asked his family and they don’t know who he is either

The centre-right of the Labour party is up in arms, after Jeremy Corbyn sacked Michael … whatsisname, err Dugher.

Their feeling is that a strong Blairite is needed to pretend to do a job that’s already being done by someone else.

Dugher was previously not in charge of transport. Before that he was not in charge of anything at all, as shadow minister without portfolio.

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Filed under breaking news, News, Politics

Raft of exciting new features promised for Laws of Physics II

Happy New Year

Happy New Year

The long-awaited sequel to The Laws of Physics may be just around the corner – or, more accurately, the bend – say excited scientists at the Large Hadron Collider.

Following a massive upgrade of the CERN facility in 2015, Prof. Brian Cox has been speaking to Harold sustainable energy enthusiast Dr John Goody about the next generation of physics and the role of minuscule particles.

“There was a time when the Higgs was the smallest thing imaginable,” Prof. Cox told him, “but after a few more collisions, it turns out to be a relative galaxy compared with the teeny-weeny fragments we’ve now smashed it into. You know, some of these particles are almost as small as the level of funding British scientists get from the government.”

“The thing with these bits is that they’re so very tiny, they slip through the enforcement net of Standard Model Laws. But fortunately they are not the anarchists we originally thought but operate instead according to their own set of rather bizarre rules.”

Once classified as Mischievous Little Rogue Particles with a Rebellious Nature, it is now thought that they operate according to the Law of Utter Unpredictability, the so-called ‘British Weather Law’.

There is however a ‘dark’ side to the new physics.

“Some of these particles are pretty fundamental,” said Cox, “and we all know that any sort of fundamentalism can be a dangerous thing. Only last week we caught a bunch of naughty little quarks trying to set up an Independent State inside the vacuum left by a retreating photon. The more hawkish scientists were all for blasting them to smithereens, until someone pointed out that that was how they were created. In the end, we found that if we looked the other way and thought out about daisies and kittens, they simply ceased to exist.”

Dr Goody asked Prof. Cox whether electric cars will ever get off the ground.

“No,” said Cox, “but we can expect to see innovative products which will help us in our everyday lives, like this new kettle, for instance, which boils as soon as you start watching it. Ah, tea?”

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Filed under Around Harold, breaking news, Intergalactic News, Law and Order, science, Space

Syrian air strikes: MPs to examine their consciences; or ‘ask the wife’.

image

Excuse me while I let this off…

Prime Minister Cameron has sent all MPs back to their homes and constituencies this weekend with clear instructions to examine their own consciences about the exciting prospect of bombing the shit out of Syria.

“It’s diplomatic language,” explained a spokesman for Number Ten. “Most of the male members [of The Commons] haven’t got a clue how to think straight and reason with logic, especially if they try to fit it in while watching Match of the Day.

“Their wives, on the other hand, have very clear views, often expressed in a tone of voice that obviates the need for further discussion, while cooking dinner, sorting the laundry, helping the kids with their homework and planning the Christmas seating arrangements.”

“Hopefully,” he concluded, “they’ll all come back here on Monday morning, eager to toe the line, or risk hanging their members [their penises] out to dry for the foreseeable future.”

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Filed under bombs, breaking news, Civil rights, Defence, Labour, Society, War

“Where’s all the NHS cash gone?” Asks shocked Jeremy Hunt

jeremyhunt2

Hunt tries to demonstrate how much blame attaches to him, personally

Popular Health Secretary, Jeremy Hunt is furious, after learning that his hospitals are £930m in the red in the first three months of the financial year.

“More than the whole of last year! Who the f*ck created this cock-up?” Continue reading

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Filed under breaking news, Health, News, Politics

Pig reveals all in kiss and tell exposé

2014114211955762

Ham Fisted

The pig at the centre of the David Cameron scandal has broken her silence in an exclusive kiss and squeal interview.

Under the alias ‘Margaret’ she said that she wanted to get things straight, “Something Mr Cameron had no trouble doing in his student days”.

 

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Filed under Badgers, breaking news, News, Politics, Sex, skeleton, Society, spam, Troubled Families

‘Emotional’ Queen ‘goes on a brenda’

Queen party

Queen slurred the National Anthem, before sicking on a corgi.

The Queen has finally been subdued and arrested after a drunken rampage in Central London which left eyewitnesses both appalled at the carnage and impressed by how supple she is.

Her Majesty had been celebrating becoming the UK’s longest reigning monarch, beating Queen Victoria’s previous ‘scowl ‘n’ wave’ record of 63 yrs and 216 days by one day and counting.

Police were called to Buckingham Palace after tourists alerted them to ‘an elderly lady drenched in gin’. Continue reading

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Filed under breaking news, News, Royals

Refugees to be shipped to UK in David Cameron’s forehead.

Dave Headroom

Room for one thousand more on top.

David Cameron’s forehead is to be sent to the Syrian border camps to collect the 20,000 additional refugees the UK government has agreed to let live.

Aid agencies had been struggling to find a vessel large enough and empty enough to transport the refugees, and have welcomed the use of Mr Cameron’s forehead while he’s not using it. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, breaking news, Children, Civil rights, Europe, Save The Children, Society, Travel, Uncategorized

Parliament’s favourite porn searches revealed.

David CameronFollowing a freedom of information request, the internet service provider which supplies broadband to the palace of Westminster has revealed what members of the two houses of parliament surf the web for during the really boring bits of government. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, breaking news, Labour, Politics, Sex, Social media, Society, Technology, Tony Blair, Tory sex scandal, Uncategorized

Kendall, Cooper, and Burnham all quit leadership race to block Corbyn

Like the Lenin hat, Jeremy!

Like the Lenin hat, Jeremy!

The competence of the Labour Party has been questioned once again after it was announced that leadership hopefuls, Liz Kendall, Yvette Cooper and Andy Burnham had all withdrawn from the contest in favour of Andy Burnham, Yvette Cooper and Liz Kendall.

Driven by a combined fear that Jeremy Corbyn might have an outside chance of becoming the next Labour leader if someone didn’t step down from the contest, each of the prospective leaders fell upon their swords leaving the grizzled leftie a shoo-in for the leadership.

“It’s even worse than the Miliband debacle,” said one veteran Labour activist. “They’ve all pulled out and in seconds have collectively set the Party back by thirty five years without a single bacon roll in sight.” Continue reading

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Filed under breaking news, Politics

Nasa probe finally measures Piers Morgan’s ego

piersmorganagain

His nostrils follow you round the room

Piers Morgan’s ego has just been found to be ever so slightly bigger than previously thought, having a diameter of 2,370km.

The measurement was made by the New Horizons probe which is about to flyby the massive bell-end.

Although Nasa’s probe is programmed to measure infinitesimally small objects it may still be unable to register what Morgan knows about phone hacking, dodgy share-dealing or successfully hosting a chat show.

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Filed under breaking news, Intergalactic News, science

IDS denies accidental humiliation of disabled man: “No accident, it’s what gets me up in the morning.”

Iain Duncan Smith laughing

“That’s made my day!” IDS hears claimant really does have multiple sclerosis

Iain Duncan Smith has defended his department’s humiliation of Nick Gaskin, who cannot walk, talk or feed himself.

“It’s a well known fact in my head that benefits scroungers pretend to have multiple sclerosis, constructing elaborate facades by being fed and toileted by an army of well-meaning but frankly gullible carers.”

DWP officials repeatedly asked Mr Gaskin to attend a Jobcentre interview or risk his benefits being stopped. “We were pretty sure he was a wrong’un.” says IDS “When the potential consequences were explained to Mr Gaskin during a home visit, he just sat there blinking, so we clearly had him rattled.”

Nick Gaskin, from Leicestershire, was diagnosed with primary progressive multiple sclerosis (MS) 16 years ago. He needs round-the-clock care and can only communicate through blinking.

“So what?” asked IDS “I need round the clock care myself. In fact we have a dedicated DWP unit just to follow me round and sweep up the shit I make up. And I can’t actually feed myself either – not on a Ministerial salary.”

“But you don’t see me queuing up with a begging bowl and shall I tell you why? Well, yes, living rent free in a mansion on my father-in-law’s estate helps, but this isn’t about me. Don’t change the subject.”

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Filed under breaking news, DWP, Health, News, Politics

Business as usual for Christopher Lee following his un-death

Fangs for the memory ...

Fangs for the memory …

The inconvenience of death will not interrupt the amazing career of Christopher Lee who, according to his agent, was signed up to star in a Zombie blockbuster movie only moments after the announcement of his undeath from supernatural causes.

“For many actors, stepping over to the other side is something of a setback to their career, but for Christopher, it will be business as usual,” said his agent Morticia De’ath. “The offers have been flooding in since news of his demise came through.” Continue reading

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Filed under breaking news, Obituary

Village chubster ‘buoyed’ that exercise doesn’t reduce weight

fishandchipsHarold’s fattest man, Billy McKean, has welcomed today’s news that physical activity does not reduce obesity.

The British Journal of Sports Medicine says it’s time to “bust the myth” about exercise.

Most Villagers will know that McKean starred in the TV documentary ‘Help! My Liver is the size of a Dog’ and has himself done extensive research.

“If they’d only asked me first” says Billy “I could have saved them a lot of time. Are you going to eat all those chips?”

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Filed under breaking news, Health, News

Police to probe Miliband stabbing claims

Appropriate use of an NHS blanket?

Appropriate use of an NHS blanket?

The police have launched an investigation following accusations that Ed Miliband was stabbing the British people in the back with the Trident replacement.

In a statement a spokesperson for Westminster police confirmed  the Labour leader was to be questioned later today.

“At this stage we’re not sure how anyone could be stabbed with a nuclear missile, but whenever we receive allegations of wrongdoing, even from the Daily Mail, we are duty bound to investigate to ensure a criminal offence has not been committed.” Continue reading

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Filed under breaking news, Election 2015

Bilbo Baggins throws his ring in with Labour.

Put a ring on this Cameron.

Put a ring on this Cameron.

Diminutive pot smoking, dragon baiting, hole dwelling dwarf fancier Bilbo Baggins has come out in support of the Labour Party for this year’s general election.

The pint sized adventurer has made a special video outlining why he believes Labour can win on trolling day 7th May 2015.

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Filed under Badgers, breaking news, Election 2015, Election 2015, Labour, Politics, Tony Blair, Uncategorized