Author Archives: shitsutonka2

Support group for those who still can’t believe Trump is president overwhelmed

Look at that face, is that really the so-called Leader of the Free World? We’d prefer Mr Pastry

An urgent appeal for volunteers has been made by a group set up to help those who just can’t take in the fact that the United States has an illiterate and racist satsuma in charge of it. Continue reading

Leave a Comment

Filed under Donald Trump

A level results less relevant than birth weight two seconds after you get your first job

Claim you went here and got lots of O.W.Ls and N.E.W.Ts, no one will ever check

A level results getting villagers today are happy in the knowledge that absolutely no one cares.

“All through school I was told that A levels would define my entire life,” eighteen year old Simon Delaney told us. “Now I’ve finished I know that they serve no purpose whatsoever and that I can now get on with doing things on my own terms.”

“A levels, degrees – all a load of bobbins,” Cassie Fine, owner of local geek shop Dungeons & More Dungeons said. “My CV says I went to Miss Cackle’s Academy for Witches, did a BA at Unseen University, an MPhil at the College of Winterhold and a DPhil at the Tufty Club. Never had a boss who’s bothered to check if it’s true.”

The rumour that A levels now only exist in order to allow Jeremy Clarkson the opportunity to post the same smug tweet about them every year remain persistent but as yet unconfirmed.

Leave a Comment

Filed under Education

Fears grow for exhausted hacks constantly churning out Diana articles

‘So tired, can’t brain. Will “Woman who’s been dead for twenty years, still dead” do as a headline?’

The end of August currently seems to be a hundred years away for knackered tabloid journalists ordered to write as much Princess Diana related bobbins as possible day after day. Continue reading

Leave a Comment

Filed under Royals

Queen orders newly retired Prince Philip a shed to get him out from under her feet

Looks like One has just spotted a peasant

Alarmed at no longer being able to simply dispatch her husband to go and open a badger sanctuary whenever he starts getting on the royal tits, the Queen has spent some of our money on buying him a shed to sit in. Continue reading

Leave a Comment

Filed under Royals

Leaked Game of Thrones episode mistaken for documentary on Brexit Britain

Would things really be much worse if he was in charge?

Fans of the tits ‘n’ dragons spectacular, Game of Thrones, are claiming that the episode leaked online is a hoax and that naughty hackers have put up a documentary on Britain instead.

“I’m very disappointed,” said local fan, Meya Begum. “It’s just crappy weather and miserable peasants being taken advantage of by a privileged few who couldn’t find their arses with a map. I was hoping to see The Wall but I’m sure I saw a branch of Greggs instead.”

“All you get to see is people being manipulated into ruining their lives because of a shiny slogan written on the side of a bus, I mean banner,” she said. “The only thing that makes me wonder if it’s fantasy after all is that in this all the poor people are thin.”

1 Comment

Filed under Brexit

Shock as “Harry Potter and the Brexit Negotiation” fails to capture readers imaginations

Blimey, Harry’s not aged well

Though for years it has been thought that even a book containing nothing more than the same picture of a puddle on every page would sell millions of copies as long as readers were assured that the puddle was in the grounds of Hogwarts, the legend of The Boy Who Lived has finally failed. Beaten not by a terrifying Dark Wizard but by a sweaty meeting room in Brussels.

“This new story’s rubbish,” said local Harry Potter fan, Jane Hough. “I’m prepared to believe in magic, flying cars, house elfs and all that. But this new book claims that Harry’s leading the Brexit negotiations with no plan and no idea of the consequences. That’s just too far-fetched.”

“And I don’t agree with changing Ron and Hermione’s names. Ron’s now this loud blond buffoon who does nothing constructive but seems to think he’s going to be the next Prime Minister and Hermione’s a brittle nightmare who only ever says three words at a time: “Brexit means Brixit”, “strong and stable”, “confidence and supply”. Has a Dementor sucked out her brain as well as her soul?”

“I might stick with it to the end. Hopefully Harry’ll be a hero after all and cast the obliviate spell on everyone and then we’ll forget Brexit was ever going to happen.”

Leave a Comment

Filed under Brexit

Sarlacc pit to replace prisons as Tories deny reckless underfunding

Still less bleak looking than HMP Dartmoor

The government has come under fire for for cutting almost all funding to the prison system and opting to chuck prisoners into a sarlacc pit instead. Continue reading

Comments Off on Sarlacc pit to replace prisons as Tories deny reckless underfunding

Filed under News

DUP insist PM reroutes walking holiday to include march through Drumcree

As she marches she can sing that old classic “The Pink Frock My Father Wore”

World’s most angry and bigoted neighbourhood watch group run amok, the DUP, have stopped rolling around in all their magic money tree cash long enough to order the Prime Minister to radically change her holiday plans. Continue reading

Comments Off on DUP insist PM reroutes walking holiday to include march through Drumcree

Filed under News

Government to ruin country to prank PM when she returns from holiday

A pleasant change from all those holiday photos of Dave pointing at fish

Bored of slowly making life worse for everyone but themselves the government has decided to lighten the mood and ruin the country completely over the next few days in order to surprise Theresa May when she returns from Italy.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Government to ruin country to prank PM when she returns from holiday

Filed under News

“Don’t worry, lads. Our leader will always be a man,” says English Labour Party

Ugh, a woman as the Doctor. How Tory is that?

Labour have offered comfort to men so incensed by Doctor Who now starring someone who doesn’t have a musket-and-bandoliers swinging about between their legs that their own are in danger of falling off through sheer rage by assuring them that the leader of their party will always be a man. Continue reading

Comments Off on “Don’t worry, lads. Our leader will always be a man,” says English Labour Party

Filed under TV

Desperate PM to try turning Tories off and on again

Strong and stable or don’t you think she looks tired?

Facing the prospect of Brexit kicking the UK so hard it’ll be wearing its arse for a hat as Conservatives from councillors to MPs are seemingly engaged in a ‘who can blather like the most offensive bubbly-jock’ contest while Michael Gove and Boris Johnson are like just out there, you know, loose, a frantic Theresa May has opted to turn the Tories off and on again in the hope that’ll fix all their and her problems. Continue reading

Comments Off on Desperate PM to try turning Tories off and on again

Filed under Politics

Big increase in men who look like rats, says Office of National Statistics

Well maybe not this bad but still pretty damn ratty

Figures released today confirm that since 2010 the percentage of men who look like rats has increased dramatically along with significant rises in those who could best be described as ‘weaselly’ or ‘ferreties’. Continue reading

Comments Off on Big increase in men who look like rats, says Office of National Statistics

Filed under News

Blair to hide from any war criminal charges in the Shard

“Look into my eyes, look into my eyes, the eyes, the eyes, not around the eyes, don’t look around my eyes, look into my eyes, you’re at war.”

Tony “I think most people who have dealt with me, think I’m a pretty straight sort of guy, and I am” Blair has found the perfect spot to go to ground as the chances of him being prosecuted for leading the UK into the Iraq War increase: the vast empty wastes of the Shard. Continue reading

Comments Off on Blair to hide from any war criminal charges in the Shard

Filed under News

Sane Americans look at their president and regret the whole independence thing

Look how much more down to earth she is than Trump. Although shortly after this picture was taken Lizard Philip shifted into his true shape and ate the two on the left.

The fireworks are mere farts with tiny sparks and the hot dogs sadness loaded with fried regrets and ‘I can’t believe this is happening’ sauce for many Americans today as they spend the 4th July wondering if ditching the Brits was worth it now it’s lead to President Donald Trump. Continue reading

Comments Off on Sane Americans look at their president and regret the whole independence thing

Filed under Donald Trump

Captain Pugwash and crew to police UK fishing waters

The Black Pig is now sixty-five per cent of the entire Royal Naval fleet.

In a post-Brexit attempt to have less friends than that weird kid from your primary school whose smell could make a statue vomit and had a plaster over one lens of his NHS glasses the government has announced that it will be enforcing control of UK fishing waters. Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Brexit

Tipsy DUP blow the whole billion on a giant chocolate orange

It’s just like that old marching song ‘The Chocolate My Father Ate’

Celebrating Theresa’s magic money tree rewarding mindless bigotry with the equivalent of twenty-six thousand nurses salaries, a tipsy DUP has confessed that they’ve spent the whole lot on a massive chocolate orange. Continue reading

Comments Off on Tipsy DUP blow the whole billion on a giant chocolate orange

Filed under News

Brexit awesome! May strong and stable! Mysterious men in black everywhere

You want to be the meat in that sandwich, you know you do

Everyone in the UK has woken up happier than an MP contemplating their expense claims. The sun is shining, Brexit is a fantastic idea being superbly negotiated by the nation’s finest minds whose plan for it is detailed and brilliant and the government, led by the admirable Theresa May, is as strong and stable as a table made from granite and Gwyneth Paltrow’s belief that she’s not talking nonsense. Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under News

Anguish for tragic Daily Mail readers as it suddenly advocates tolerance

“My brain hurts.” –  a proud DM reader

The massed ranks of the Daily Mail’s flog ’em, hang ’em and have a wank over the glories of the British Empire crowd are suffused with heartache and confusion as it continues to masquerade as a slightly less hateful rag for the second day running. Continue reading

Comments Off on Anguish for tragic Daily Mail readers as it suddenly advocates tolerance

Filed under News

Queen’s speech 2018 cancelled to give Tories more time to find their arse with a map

Will no one think of these two? They love wearing all this shit.

Andrea Leadsom, the leader of the Commons, has announced that the Queen’s speech will not take place next year. “Our top priority now is infighting,” she told journalists. “This will require a substantial amount of time and begin with knifing Theresa May in the back.” Continue reading

Comments Off on Queen’s speech 2018 cancelled to give Tories more time to find their arse with a map

Filed under News

Breathless nation waits to see what PM won’t take responsibility for today

You need new writers, Prime Minister. We’re available.

People all over the UK are waking up this morning with just one question on their lips: what issue will the Prime Minister refuse to acknowledge is directly connected to her and her party’s policies today?

“It’s quite exciting,” villager and keen politics fan Maya Begum told us. “What will Theresa May simply keep saying the same meaningless phrases about again and again? So much is wrong right now it could be anything.” Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under News