Author Archives: shitsutonka2

Bust of Winston Churchill gets up and walks out of the Oval Office

“Sir Winston, do you want to hang out with President Trump?” “Never!”

After experiencing only a few hours of the new presidential regime the bust of Winston Churchill that Donald Trump had returned to the Oval Office bellowed “bugger this for a game of soldiers” and took itself back to the British Embassy. Continue reading

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Prawns sewn in curtain hems: Obama gets White House ready for Trump

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Two dogs, one underside of the Resolute Desk

Uplifting symphony about to be followed by a scab-covered plague rat farting through a dented tin whistle,  Barack Obama, is spending his remaining hours in power making the White House suitable for Donald Trump. Continue reading

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NHS renames itself Bank of NHS and secures immediate government bail out

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Ker-ching!

Little wooden puppet in hell’s own version of Pinocchio, Jeremy Hunt, has today announced that the newly named Bank of NHS will be bailed out to the tune of £850 billion effective immediately. Continue reading

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Corbyn calls for cap on coherent policy making

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“Blessed are they …who convert their neighbour’s ox, for they shall inhibit their girth …and to them only shall be given– to them only… shall… be… given…”

Jeremy Corbyn has relaunched Labour as an electoral force by calling for an end to coherent policy making and representing the views of Remainers such as, for example, sixty-five per cent of Labour voters.

“Labour now stands for the values of not being wedded to policies and mis-speaking,” he said in a landmark speech. “Let me be perfectly unclear and then let me be so again on the Today programme and again on World at One and maybe even Sky News.” Continue reading

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Kickstarter campaign launched to send Death on holiday

Hello Sandman fans, you're looking lovely today

Hello Sandman fans, you’re looking lovely today

As more famous people who everyone really liked die and obituary writers everywhere call in sick with exhaustion, a Kickstarter campaign has been launched to pay for the Grim Reaper to go on holiday so us mere mortals can have a break from miserableness. Continue reading

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Generation Z delighted 80% of middle-aged Brits are fat, drunk and unhealthy

What the average fifty-something couple looks like to a twenty year old.

What the average fifty-something couple looks like to a twenty year old.

Those born in the mid-nineties or after, Generation Z, are more bouncy and loud than ever following the release of a government report which states that just 20% of middle-aged people are healthy and the rest lie more awkwardly than whatever that is on top of Donald Trump’s head when talking to their GP about their lifestyle.  Continue reading

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Merry Christmas

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Ghosts of Christmas past, present and future refuse to haunt Donald Trump

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Humbug

The ghosts who for over one hundred and seventy years have been successfully haunting misanthropic rich men and getting them to see the error of their ways have refused to work their magic on Donald Trump. The ghosts’ agent, C.J.H Dickens, said that they’d been offered the gig and begged to attend by Trump’s transition team however all three have said no. Continue reading

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Adult siblings looking forward to Christmas regression row

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Tis the season to be exactly like Anne and Mary Boylen. Just swap who gets to play nug-a-nug with Henry VIII for who gets to keep the remote control and there’s literally no difference #FACT

Adults across the country are happily preparing to return to their parents’ homes and resume fighting with their brothers and sisters in the most petulant and immature way possible. Continue reading

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Welcome break from complexities of Islamic terrorism provided by Nigel Farage being balls out awful

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“Nationalism is an infantile thing. It is the measles of mankind” – Einstein

The something nasty in the nation’s woodshed, Nigel Farage, has united people across the political spectrum by being deeply unpleasant.

“The world seems more violent and confusing than ever,” said parish councillor, Nina O’Neill. “Thanks then to Nigel Farage for being entirely vile and bringing us all together with a rallying cry of ‘hark at this arsehole, can you believe what he’s just said?’” Continue reading

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Mice opt to restore Earth to an earlier point and run 2016 again

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At this point would anyone mind if the Vogons turned up and did their thing?

Mice, the hyper-intelligent pan-dimensional beings who paid for the computer we all live on, have decided to hit system restore and run 2016 again. Continue reading

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Uncertainty over if today you can legit ‘Christmas eat’ or not

Festive Fayre

A healthy and nutritious dinner for one

The village is divided this evening on whether or not today is the day you can eat and booze like Falstaff on a bender without being accused of self-harm.

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Students demand safe space from judgemental Father Christmas

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Fascist

The National Union of Students at the University of Dunstable is intensifying its campaign for a dedicated safe space for students to avoid the trauma of being deemed naughty or nice by Father Christmas. Continue reading

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Wales to close after Trump tweet knocks billions off value

wales_flagThe latest in a series of tweets made by furious ginger guinea pig in a crappy man costume, Donald Trump, which have sent some companies share prices tumbling has claimed its first landmass victim as Wales announced its closure after the President-Elect tweeted
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Anyone who goes shopping today clearly hates themselves

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They have given up the glory of the animal for an eggnog latte and a set of DVDs

Doctors have determined that anyone who chooses to spend hours of the only life they’ll ever have walking slowly in and out of some shops on a Saturday this close to Christmas is medically riddled with self-loathing.

“There’s no other explanation,” local doctor Clive Evans told us. “Why would someone for whom everything is going well and who has a sunny and optimistic outlook decide to do this? The answer is that they wouldn’t. People who go shopping today are in urgent need of help.” Continue reading

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Paul Nuttall denies being a politician as CV row intensifies

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Point to a racist, Paul

Lead character from a sitcom you’d have begged your parents not to let you stay up and watch, Paul Nuttall, has confronted the lies on his CV by denying that he is a politician. Continue reading

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A nation mourns as breakfast is served perfectly

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The reason why everyone in the UK can count to three in Spanish

Today has gotten off to an efficient and unhappy start as breakfast everywhere was served without incident due to a sudden, sad shortage of little waiters from Barcelona.

Every tray had the right amount of butter and all questions were answered properly and not with a ‘Que?’ and a blank look. There were no mishaps, outbreaks of spoon-based violence and absolutely no moose heads. Continue reading

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Annus bobbinsus: Charlie Brooker’s 2016 Wipe to be 27 hours long due to horror

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Good luck to Philomena finding a moment of wonder in all this

Lugubrious chronicler of the end times, Charlie Brooker, has announced that his yearly review of the news which is normally sixty minutes long will last more than a day in order to cover all the terrible things that have happened and that even with all the extra hours he’ll “have to leave a lot out.” Continue reading

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IDS denies that benefit sanctions don’t work as they helped him kill “loads of feckless scum”

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Point to your right, Iain

Lack of intelligence, wrapped in a falsified CV, inside a complete absence of empathy, Iain Duncan Smith, has refuted today’s National Audit Office report which states that there is no evidence that welfare sanctions work. Continue reading

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Narcissistic racist to apologise to US on “behalf of Britain” for its mockery of narcissistic racist

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Anyone else having trouble with the fact none of this is photoshop?

Cathedral roof gargoyle come to boorish life, Nigel Farage, has announced that he is going to the US to “meet all sorts of people and I shall say to them…please forgive some of the things that were said about your President during the election campaign because I’m just that important. Did you see those buses and that poster? That was me. I am shit-hot, ladies.” Continue reading

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Filed under International News