Celebrating Theresa’s magic money tree rewarding mindless bigotry with the equivalent of twenty-six thousand nurses salaries, a tipsy DUP has confessed that they’ve spent the whole lot on a massive chocolate orange. Continue reading
Author Archives: shitsutonka2
Everyone in the UK has woken up happier than an MP contemplating their expense claims. The sun is shining, Brexit is a fantastic idea being superbly negotiated by the nation’s finest minds whose plan for it is detailed and brilliant and the government, led by the admirable Theresa May, is as strong and stable as a table made from granite and Gwyneth Paltrow’s belief that she’s not talking nonsense. Continue reading
The massed ranks of the Daily Mail’s flog ’em, hang ’em and have a wank over the glories of the British Empire crowd are suffused with heartache and confusion as it continues to masquerade as a slightly less hateful rag for the second day running. Continue reading
Andrea Leadsom, the leader of the Commons, has announced that the Queen’s speech will not take place next year. “Our top priority now is infighting,” she told journalists. “This will require a substantial amount of time and begin with knifing Theresa May in the back.” Continue reading
People all over the UK are waking up this morning with just one question on their lips: what issue will the Prime Minister refuse to acknowledge is directly connected to her and her party’s policies today?
“It’s quite exciting,” villager and keen politics fan Maya Begum told us. “What will Theresa May simply keep saying the same meaningless phrases about again and again? So much is wrong right now it could be anything.” Continue reading
Concerned well-wishers are gathering outside the gates of Downing Street this morning as the Prime Minister continues to sound off like a senile Furby. Continue reading
Oppressed fauns and talking beasts who’ve suffered greatly under the White Witch are this morning delighted by Father Christmas breaking her hold on their country and returning once more. Continue reading
Monstrous entity whose existence is beyond mortal comprehension and massive Ed Sheeran fan, Cthulhu, has risen from the stone city of R’lyeh to cast its vote for the Tories. Continue reading
The world continues to act surprised in the wake of an elderly sociopath proving that he has no regard for others or the future. Continue reading
Jaded voters are this morning facing another long and weary day of being campaigned at by politicians who are as in touch with how rest of us live as the Queen is with the latest beefs on the grime scene. While technically this build up to the nation going to the polls has lasted no longer than any other, many are reporting that it feels as if it’s been going on for at least twelve years. Continue reading
With the threat level at Gadsbudlikins! and the NHS on its knees plus Debatable being on all the damn time, Theresa May has ceased to be strong or stable and asked the Doctor to make everything shiny again.
Katharine Viner the editor of the Guardian, a former left of centre newspaper turned heavily moderated online identity politics forum, says that she’s proud of all the campaigning it’s doing for the Tories. Continue reading
A new study from the University of Dunstable has confirmed that nothing has a more stressful impact than trying to eat while little Allegras and Milos are allowed to go tonto as their parents knock back the wine and congratulate themselves on how free-spirited their highly gifted progeny are. Continue reading
Donald Trump, the least credible politician since Caligulia’s horse, Incitatus*, claimed during a series of tweets that he is the victim of “the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history!” and as such is closing the borders to witches from all countries. Continue reading
With less than a month to go before polling day, UK politicians are more desperate for attention from Russia than Guy Richie is for someone to pay to watch King Arthur. Continue reading
Answer to the question: name a tabloid columnist many times more despicable than Katie Hopkins, Kelvin MacKenzie, went on an astonishing rampage in the moments after he was sacked from the Sun.
The Evening Harold has been exclusively tipped off by senior members of South Yorkshire police (who weren’t there) that the portly prevaricator ran amok fighting members of the emergency services and stealing from anyone he could get close to. Continue reading
Jeremy Corbyn has told shadow chancellor John McDonnell to sacrifice himself for the good of Labour’s election campaign.
“The election’s not going very well, you know,” said Corbyn. “It’s a psychological thing rather like a game of football and in football ten men often play better than eleven so I’ve asked John to be that one man.”
Donald Trump has released a list of demands to be met when he arrives in the UK in October with the chief among them being that he gets to ride a hippogriff and land with it on the roof of Buckingham Palace. Continue reading
This is the Southern rail crossing the border,
Bringing Charles the cheque and the postal order,
Money for him, nothing for the poor
commuters who stand pressed ‘gainst the toilet door…
Shareholder thanks, letters from banks,
Isn’t Charles a talented boy?
Stacks of cash and invitations
To accept a knighthood or with the PM libations,
Shred the breach of safety situations, Continue reading