Donald Trump has released a list of demands to be met when he arrives in the UK in October with the chief among them being that he gets to ride a hippogriff and land with it on the roof of Buckingham Palace. Continue reading
Author Archives: shitsutonka2
This is the Southern rail crossing the border,
Bringing Charles the cheque and the postal order,
Money for him, nothing for the poor
commuters who stand pressed ‘gainst the toilet door…
Shareholder thanks, letters from banks,
Isn’t Charles a talented boy?
Stacks of cash and invitations
To accept a knighthood or with the PM libations,
Shred the breach of safety situations, Continue reading
The country is more chillaxed than David Cameron on a Florida beach this morning as it has collectively decided to ignore reality and worship a very clever Canadian chap.
“Oooh Monkmania!” enthused local fan of things Jane Hough. “I just love him! The way he presses that buzzer and then answers correctly again and again and again. I’ll be on Twitter for hours tonight talking about him. Why? Have you seen the news from, well, everywhere? I’m not dealing with any of that heaving sack of bobbins, environmental disaster and hypocrisy until I have to.” Continue reading
At 12:30 this afternoon Theresa May will stand in the House of Commons and read a statement formally beginning the start of Brexit and her tireless work on behalf of rich and elderly Conservative voters. Continue reading
Internet trolls are congratulating themselves for keeping calm and carrying on as they spend today spreading hate and misinformation just as they do every day.
“The Prime Minister said to carry on as normal,” said local vile person, Tim Trotman. “So I am because I am not afraid of terrorists and I’m proving this by repeatedly calling everyone whose views are different from mine a libtard snowflake cuck. No need to thank me or call me brave, I’m just one honest Englishman fighting the good fight.” Continue reading
The face of a man who died in Cambridge over seven hundred years ago has been recreated proving that Brits have been plain-looking for centuries.
“This is the face of a bloke,” said Professor John Robb of Cambridge University. “Balding, bags under his eyes, scruffy beard. Grooming’s never really caught on here, has it? Continue reading
Theresa May’s vision of it always being Tories but never Christmas has been dealt a stunning blow as a new poll revealed that fifty-six percent of voters are planning on voting Womble in 2020. Many of those polled cited the Wombles’ ability to clean up Wimbledon Common and make good use of the things that they find without messing it up, going massively over-budget, selling most of it to overseas shell companies or employing George Osborne as especially appealing. Continue reading
The Land of Make Believe is awash with that Friday feeling this afternoon as everyone grins themselves stupid over the news that plucky Jack Munroe has taken on an evil giant and won.
The giant, who lives way up in the sky in a nasty castle built by Lord Rothermere, is in the habit of flinging shit randomly down onto the unwary, especially if they happen to have brown skin or compassion for their fellow human beings. Today the giant has been given a hefty slap in the pie which is as pleasing as the one it received in December of last year when it was successfully sued for accusing a Muslim family of having links to extremists. Continue reading
Local scientist Dr Rachel Goody has confirmed that treating the contents of your fridge like a level of Pac-Man is the best way to begin a diet. Continue reading
Tail coat and a couple of ideas that never knew the glory of an animal, Philip Hammond, will today announce how the government is going to spend the country’s money. Giving rise to speculation that the most likely answer is ‘badly’. Continue reading
The ghost of Richard Nixon held a press conference last night to make it clear that it has nothing whatsoever in common with Donald Trump.
“I was a crook but this guy’s a godamned loon,” said the ghost. “I reject utterly being involved in his sordid fantasies when he tweeted “How low has President Obama gone to tapp my phones during the very sacred election process. This is Nixon/Watergate. Bad (or sick) guy!”* for a start I know how to spell ‘tap’.”
“People say that I disgraced the office of president but Trump’s doing to democracy what I did to Cambodia. And I find it totally [expletive deleted] offensive to have my name used by him in this manner. Now I say to you, Mr President, back off because you won’t have Nixon to kick around anymore.”
The ghost then ended the press conference by saying it was now heading happily back to the afterlife where untethered by time it had already seen how Trump’s presidency concludes and that on the whole it was very glad it wasn’t alive to experience it and urged everyone who would to “get ahead of the rush” and invest heavily in baseball bats, tinfoil and nuclear missile repellent now.
*We didn’t make this tweet up.
An extensive poll has revealed that most adults are as likely to genuinely care about their friends as they are to watch The Nightly Show or wish they had Jacob Rees-Mogg’s sense of dress. Continue reading
Despite spending their time in office being mocked harder than Henry V when the tennis balls turned up, John Major and George W Bush have lurched back into the spotlight as respected elder statesman with valid points to make. Transformations so weird and unsettling many believe them to be a sign of the End Times. Continue reading
Mendacity dressed as an extra in a crap British gangster film, Paul Nuttall, is today celebrating what he claims was a historic victory for Ukip in the Stoke by-election and saying he’s looking forward to working in Westminster. Continue reading
Tired of being used as a furry prop in lonely thirty-something’s lives and constantly being accused of ultimately planning on eating their single human housemate, cats have rebranded as Pocket Lions in order to widen their ownership demographic. Continue reading
Well-travelled London businessman, James Keziah Delaney, has announced that he is to replace Gareth Snell as the Labour candidate in this week’s by-election.
“I have sworn to do very foolish things,” Delaney grunted from atop a massive white horse. “People who do not know me soon come to understand that I do not have any sense.” He went on to explain that he “knows things about the dead” which is why he’s so attracted to a divided Labour Party predicted to suffer an historic defeat at the next general election. Continue reading
Donald Trump has caused further international confusion this morning by taking to Twitter to condemn “Yuge, bad illegal immigrant-led terror attack in Kingdom of Lancre. Really terrible. Sad. Mainstream (fake) news not covering story. Again!”
Defiant attorney general Sally Yates claims that whilst she was neutral on her stance about travel restrictions for some Muslim nationals, the reason that she was sacked was purely footwear related.
“Trump insisted that I start to wear ugly 1970’s flat shoes, very unlike his usual preference to 6” heels, and when I tried one on, a weird blade shot out of the front of it.” Ms Yates told us. “Fashion aside, it’s hardly practical, so I politely declined to wear them, saying that they were uncomfortable on a few levels, at which point all he had to say to me was : “I’m very disappointed in you, number 3…” whatever the hell that means, I’m not sure why he was stroking that cat either.” Continue reading
Having taken back control from the EU, the UK will today give it all to the United States when Theresa May meets Donald Trump to complete Britain’s decades long march up the United States’ bottom. Continue reading
The feeling you get when you bite tinfoil made flesh, Iain Duncan Smith, has claimed that yesterday’s Supreme Court decision on Brexit was “marginal” he then said: “Eight to three is a tiny lead. Almost as small as the amount of shits that I give for the fatal consequences of what I did at the DWP.”