Author Archives: shitsutonka2

Trolls defy terrorists and carry on posting bullshit as normal

Internet trolls are congratulating themselves for keeping calm and carrying on as they spend today spreading hate and misinformation just as they do every day.

“The Prime Minister said to carry on as normal,” said local vile person, Tim Trotman. “So I am because I am not afraid of terrorists and I’m proving this by repeatedly calling everyone whose views are different from mine a libtard snowflake cuck. No need to thank me or call me brave, I’m just one honest Englishman fighting the good fight.” Continue reading

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British blokes as dull looking 700 years ago as they are today, science confirms

The 700 hundred year old man. “Shameful proof that Britain is too white” – Guardian.

The face of a man who died in Cambridge over seven hundred years ago has been recreated proving that Brits have been plain-looking for centuries.
“This is the face of a bloke,” said Professor John Robb of Cambridge University. “Balding, bags under his eyes, scruffy beard. Grooming’s never really caught on here, has it?  Continue reading

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56% to vote Womble at next election: shock poll reveals

They’ll be the best looking Cabinet since Lord Salisbury’s stone cold foxes of 1895

Theresa May’s vision of it always being Tories but never Christmas has been dealt a stunning blow as a new poll revealed that fifty-six percent of voters are planning on voting Womble in 2020. Many of those polled cited the Wombles’ ability to clean up Wimbledon Common and make good use of the things that they find without messing it up, going massively over-budget, selling most of it to overseas shell companies or employing George Osborne as especially appealing. Continue reading

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Jack the bigot-slayer chops down giant arsehole’s beanstalk

Jack Monroe, respecter of war memorials

The Land of Make Believe is awash with that Friday feeling this afternoon as everyone grins themselves stupid over the news that plucky Jack Munroe has taken on an evil giant and won.

The giant, who lives way up in the sky in a nasty castle built by Lord Rothermere, is in the habit of flinging shit randomly down onto the unwary, especially if they happen to have brown skin or compassion for their fellow human beings. Today the giant has been given a hefty slap in the pie which is as pleasing as the one it received in December of last year when it was successfully sued for accusing a Muslim family of having links to extremists. Continue reading

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Eating all the junk food you have on a Sunday night is best way to start diet

You’ve got to eat them all. Letting them go to waste would be wrong

Local scientist Dr Rachel Goody has confirmed that treating the contents of your fridge like a level of Pac-Man is the best way to begin a diet. Continue reading

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Budget: nation waits to discover just how hard it’s about to be shafted

Bend over, Britain. It’s poker time

Tail coat and a couple of ideas that never knew the glory of an animal, Philip Hammond, will today announce how the government is going to spend the country’s money. Giving rise to speculation that the most likely answer is ‘badly’. Continue reading

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Nixon’s ghost distances itself from Donald Trump

Ghosts hate twitter #FACT

The ghost of Richard Nixon held a press conference last night to make it clear that it has nothing whatsoever in common with Donald Trump.

“I was a crook but this guy’s a godamned loon,” said the ghost. “I reject utterly being involved in his sordid fantasies when he tweeted “How low has President Obama gone to tapp my phones during the very sacred election process. This is Nixon/Watergate. Bad (or sick) guy!”* for a start I know how to spell ‘tap’.”

“People say that I disgraced the office of president but Trump’s doing to democracy what I did to Cambodia. And I find it totally [expletive deleted] offensive to have my name used by him in this manner. Now I say to you, Mr President, back off  because you won’t have Nixon to kick around anymore.”

The ghost then ended the press conference by saying it was now heading happily back to the afterlife where untethered by time it had already seen how Trump’s presidency concludes and that on the whole it was very glad it wasn’t alive to experience it and urged everyone who would to “get ahead of the rush” and invest heavily in baseball bats, tinfoil and nuclear missile repellent now.

*We didn’t make this tweet up.

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Everyone secretly hates their friends (but can’t be arsed to make new ones)

You’re all a bunch of bastards

An extensive poll has revealed that most adults are as likely to genuinely care about their friends as they are to watch The Nightly Show or wish they had Jacob Rees-Mogg’s sense of dress. Continue reading

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Politics now so crap John Major and George W are wise elder statesmen

So odd he seemed more human when portrayed as a latex puppet: now he’s the best of us

Despite spending their time in office being mocked harder than Henry V when the tennis balls turned up, John Major and George W Bush have lurched back into the spotlight as respected elder statesman with valid points to make. Transformations so weird and unsettling many believe them to be a sign of the End Times.   Continue reading

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Paul Nuttall claims he was at election result where Ukip won

We could use a more complimentary picture. We could but we won’t

Mendacity dressed as an extra in a crap British gangster film, Paul Nuttall, is today celebrating what he claims was a historic victory for Ukip in the Stoke by-election and saying he’s looking forward to working in Westminster. Continue reading

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Cats renamed Pocket Lions to widen appeal

Roar!

Tired of being used as a furry prop in lonely thirty-something’s lives and constantly being accused of ultimately planning on eating their single human housemate, cats have rebranded as Pocket Lions in order to widen their ownership demographic. Continue reading

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James Delaney to stand for Labour in Stoke by-election

He’s actually running for two seats. One for him. One for Hat.

Well-travelled London businessman, James Keziah Delaney, has announced that he is to replace Gareth Snell as the Labour candidate in this week’s by-election.

“I have sworn to do very foolish things,” Delaney grunted from atop a massive white horse. “People who do not know me soon come to understand that I do not have any sense.” He went on to explain that he “knows things about the dead” which is why he’s so attracted to a divided Labour Party predicted to suffer an historic defeat at the next general election. Continue reading

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Trump cites non-existent Lancre terror attack

Local women are not amused (apart from Nanny Ogg, obvs).

Donald Trump has caused further international confusion this morning by taking to Twitter to condemn “Yuge, bad illegal immigrant-led terror attack in Kingdom of Lancre. Really terrible. Sad. Mainstream (fake) news not covering story. Again!”

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Trump sacks attorney general for refusing to wear shoe with a retractable blade

Defiant attorney general Sally Yates claims that whilst she was neutral on her stance about travel restrictions for some Muslim nationals, the reason that she was sacked was purely footwear related.

“Trump insisted that I start to wear ugly 1970’s flat shoes, very unlike his usual preference to 6” heels, and when I tried one on, a weird blade shot out of the front of it.” Ms Yates told us. “Fashion aside, it’s hardly practical, so I politely declined to wear them, saying that they were uncomfortable on a few levels, at which point all he had to say to me was : “I’m very disappointed in you, number 3…” whatever the hell that means, I’m not sure why he was stroking that cat either.” Continue reading

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Unelected PM to meet popular vote losing President to hand him UK

The rest of the sign reads “Is a myth”

Having taken back control from the EU, the UK will today give it all to the United States when Theresa May meets Donald Trump to complete Britain’s decades long march up the United States’ bottom. Continue reading

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Supreme Court 8 to 3 majority “marginal” compared with 51.9 to 48.1 says IDS

Point to your right, Iain

The feeling you get when you bite tinfoil made flesh, Iain Duncan Smith, has claimed that yesterday’s Supreme Court decision on Brexit was “marginal” he then said: “Eight to three is a tiny lead. Almost as small as the amount of shits that I give for the fatal consequences of what I did at the DWP.”
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Brexit voters decide they don’t want a sovereign parliament after all

It’s immature but we want to caption this: ha ha ha aha ha ha. So we are

Despite claiming to love it more than racist posters and buses bedecked with lies, Brexiters are now saying that they want a sovereign parliament about as much as they want to live close to a mosque. Continue reading

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Bust of Winston Churchill gets up and walks out of the Oval Office

“Sir Winston, do you want to hang out with President Trump?” “Never!”

After experiencing only a few hours of the new presidential regime the bust of Winston Churchill that Donald Trump had returned to the Oval Office bellowed “bugger this for a game of soldiers” and took itself back to the British Embassy. Continue reading

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Prawns sewn in curtain hems: Obama gets White House ready for Trump

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Two dogs, one underside of the Resolute Desk

Uplifting symphony about to be followed by a scab-covered plague rat farting through a dented tin whistle,  Barack Obama, is spending his remaining hours in power making the White House suitable for Donald Trump. Continue reading

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NHS renames itself Bank of NHS and secures immediate government bail out

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Ker-ching!

Little wooden puppet in hell’s own version of Pinocchio, Jeremy Hunt, has today announced that the newly named Bank of NHS will be bailed out to the tune of £850 billion effective immediately. Continue reading

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