Any chance you could take the other two with you?
Tag Archives: David Cameron
Exclusive interview: George Osborne admits political career is a joke
Pity him, for he knows not what he does
George Osborne has admitted that his political career which saw him rise from new MP to Chancellor of the Exchequer in just nine years is the result of a joke that has gotten out of hand.
“It was a gag between chums when I was at uni,” Osborne, heir to the baronetcy of Ballentaylor and Ballylemon said. “We used to ask each other ‘what can George do?’ And because the closest I’d ever got to being good with money was palling around with Nat Rothschild in the Bullingdon Club it became a sort of tease: wouldn’t it be mad if George became Chancellor? And then I did.” Continue reading
It’s Cor! nwall: topless stunner wows them on the beaches
You don’t get many of those to the pound
Busty David Cameron caused a sensation as he chillaxed on Polzeath beach.
Dave, 46, says: “I love people looking at my body. I’m one hundred percent natural and proud of my assets.”
The sunburnt sex-bomb lists his hobbies as Fruit Ninja, wishing his job was more like The West Wing and throwing darts at Nick Clegg. He likes bankers and horse riding and dislikes Boris Johnson and sprouts.
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Cameron’s regret as bad back prevents him from hunting the poor
A better year: Dave and friends off to bag themselves a pauper or two.
From a cottage in Cornwall as he enjoys his fourth holiday of the summer, David Cameron has spoken of his regret that his ‘phenomenally bad back’ ruined his third holiday on the Island of Jura as it prevented him from taking part in one of his favourite sports – hunting the poor.
The Prime Minister has previously called poor hunting one of the most defensible field sports and is known to have been an enthusiast since his Eton days when he was a member of the Eton College Stalkers and regularly strode out with the school’s hounds in the pursuit of anyone whose standard of living left them marginalised and socially excluded. Continue reading
‘Baby boom’ proves Brits may be crap in bed, but we are the most productive.
A survey by the Office of National Statistics has shown that although the British are notoriously bad in bed, we are the most productive. The survey has shown that there were more births in 2011-2012 than in any other year since 1972 -a vintage year in the baby-making industry that brought us Miranda Hart and Liam Gallagher.
The increase in the birth rate has seen the UK go to number one of EU countries. It is seen as proof that although the French and Italians may be revered for their caring, loving and sensual approach to love making, the traditional British 5-minute-fumble with a stranger is still the most reliable technique for reproduction.
David Cameron has been very quick to jump on this good news story. During a visit with the Mayor of London to a maternity ward, the prime minister told reporters, “This goes to show that despite cuts and austerity, British manufacturing is thriving. This is the most productive this country has been in over 40 years.”
Boris Johnson was also swift to praise the results of the report. When asked if he thought the UK could now retain its place at the top of the baby-making league he said he was “doing his best”.
Not everyone has been so positive though. Len McCluskey, leader of the Unite Union said one good year is not indicative of the industry as a whole. “The human reproduction industry is very similar to coal mining” he told us. “Any positive thoughts are quickly ruined when you lay back and think of Maggie.”
The ONS has used the report to try and rekindle the pride felt in Britain over the year covered. “This recent ‘baby-boom’ has occurred over a time that included the London Olympics” the report said, “which just goes to show, although we weren’t to good in the pool, little British swimmers were still the winners.”
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Filed under Lifestyle, Politics, Uncategorized
Cameron denies plans to ‘go a bit Falklands’ over Gibraltar
Creepy, isn’t it?
As the row over fishing rights and a border tax in Gibraltar escalates tensions between the UK and Spain, David Cameron has denied that he is channelling Margaret Thatcher and planning to go a bit Falklands.
“Nothing could be further from the truth,” said the Prime Minister as he gripped his handbag tightly. “I am deeply concerned about the situation in Gibraltar and considering all available options. If one of them happens to be a small victorious war which I can secure another term as PM off the back of then that doesn’t mean I’ll definitely chose it. Just almost definitely, which is entirely different.” Continue reading
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Filed under International News, News, Politics
SAS deployed to cover gestation and birth of Cowell baby
Thanks to these guys none of us will miss a thing. Choice does not come into it.
The SAS have been deployed on a street in Paddington to ensure that the months leading up to the birth of Simon Cowell’s baby gets the coverage it deserves. Normally active only in the world’s trouble spots several dozen of the elite troops are now providing 24/7 footage of the door outside the Lindo Wing of St Mary’s Hospital which became the subject of global attention when Prince George, Duke of Cambridge was born on the other side of it last month.
“Nay-sayers are complaining that it’s too early,’” said an SAS Major who cannot be identified for security reasons. “But with an operation like this there’s no such thing as too soon. We’ve got boots on the ground now and that ensures we won’t miss a thing from first scan to first cry.” Continue reading
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Filed under News, Showbusiness
Government legalise hunting JSA claimants with dogs
The hounds have been trained to follow the scent of stress and marginalisation.
In a surprise move the government today formally legalised the hunting of Job Seeker’s Allowance claimants with dogs.
“It’s a practical measure in this time of austerity,” David Cameron told the press. “Yes, hunting foxes with dogs was made illegal in 2004 but let’s be honest that didn’t exactly put an end to the practice, now did it? So the hunts are there, the claimants are there, all we’re doing is putting the two together in a mutually beneficial arrangement that will cost the decent hard-working tax payer very little.” Continue reading
Salmond ‘trumps’ Murray knighthood with offer of discount on massive golf course
Murray assumes position for knighting himself
Andy Murray has spoken out for the first time about the unseemly ‘tug of love’ between David Cameron and Alex Salmond, which is tearing Britain’s favourite tennis player apart.
With Cameron pledging a knighthood and an open offer of cucumber sandwiches in Number 10’s rose garden, Salmond has hit back with a gift of 1,400 acres of Scottish coastline.
“It might seem a bit extravagant, but nothings too much for Scotland’s favourite son”, said Salmond. “There’s plenty more where that came from, if he should ever fancy owning his own loch.”
Not to be outdone, Cameron has promoted Murray in the line to the throne. He’s moved from 1,456,005th to third in just 48 hours.
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Andy Murray offered asylum in England
Our precioussss. It’s our birthday and we wants him.
David Cameron has confirmed that earlier this morning Andy Murray was formally offered asylum in England to save him from the threat of Scottish independence.
“We have been worried about this young man for some time,” said Cameron. “It started when he won the U.S Open only to increase as he went on to win Olympic gold and Queen’s. Yesterday’s triumph at Wimbledon served only to confirm that he must remain British.” Continue reading
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Filed under International News, News, Politics, Sport
Players of Tory Bingo get ready to call house
Number Four: Police knock at the door.
Excitement is building among players of Tory Bingo as more and more cases of sleaze and corruption hit the press meaning that the day one lucky contestant gets to call house can’t be very far away.
“Tory Bingo hasn’t been this thrilling since the early nineties,” said long-term player and Harold resident, Doris Kettle. “Back then we had so many scandals like the economy being brought to its knees by Norman Lamont and his young advisor David Cameron, the arms-to-Iraq scandal, cash-for-questions, Jonathan Aitken being convicted of perjury and-” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics
Government bans maths
Soon to be as unfathomable as Nick Clegg’s purpose.
David Cameron has announced at a press conference that the government has made maths illegal.
“We looked at what was best for Britain, what would help us move forward as a nation,” he said. “And the answer was obvious. What’s caused all our recent financial troubles that under George Osborne’s inspired and creative leadership as Chancellor of the Exchequer has got far worse than anyone imagined? Not sure that bit’s been written out properly, anyway it’s numbers. They are dangerous and so we going to ensure public safety by putting the understanding and manipulation of numbers beyond the reach of ordinary citizens.” Continue reading
Gove announces all 13-18 year olds to attend Eton
Imagine a whole generation just like these two.
At a press conference yesterday Michael Gove shared with reporters what he called ‘the pinnacle’ of his education reforms by announcing that from September all four-and-a-half million school pupils in Great Britain and Northern Ireland aged between thirteen and eighteen will attend Eton College.
“This government is totally committed to improving social mobility and giving all young people the chance to succeed and achieve their full potential on their own terms. Unfortunately that’s actually really, really difficult so we thought it would be easier to make everybody the same and an Eton education is the key to absolute conformity.” Continue reading
Everest climbers turn to ultimate challenge of David Cameron’s forehead
With the Everest route now easier thanks to the many fixed routes and improved oxygen technology, not to mention the detention of rock wielding Sherpas, top climbers have turned their attention to an ascent previously thought impossible – climbing David Cameron’s forehead.
Even getting to David Cameron’s forehead is a mission in itself. Climbers first have to get permission to summit Cameron which means a £15,000 access fee unless one is a high-ranking Tory or Rebekah Brooks. Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, International News, Penguins
Villagers alarmed by Labour’s silence create their own Opposition
The wax-Miliband on the high street appears to be about to speak but would anyone remember what it said?
Concerned villagers in Harold have erected wax and cardboard images of Ed Miliband to try and create a sense that the UK does have an active Opposition.
‘It’s all IDS this, Osborne that, and Cameron everywhere you look,’ complained Julie Kettle as she tried to clean the cardboard-Miliband outside The Squirrel Licker’s Arms. ‘Where’s the Leader of the Opposition? It’s scary. I feel like we’re living in a one party-state and it’s a crap party without any crisps or jelly. So we’re putting Milibands around the village to make it seem like he’s actually doing something and engaging with real people.’ Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Politics
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