Cameron accused of cronyism after pigs dominate Honours List

“For political service”

David Cameron has been accused of ‘tainting’ the New Year’s Honours List, after it emerged that the majority of honours recipients are actually pigs who have ‘done favours’ for the Conservative Party.

It is traditional for the political party in power to reward those donors who have paid handsomely for the privilege, but the sheer scale of the pig count this year was a surprise to many. Of the 1196 names on the list, 874 were found on close inspection to be members of the pig family, including 68 wild boars and a warthog.

Most of these were knighted, but a sizeable contingent received OBEs, while the warthog was made a Dame.

It is believed that every single ennobled pig was connected romantically in some way with a Conservative minister, with the exception of ‘Wilbur’ from Charlotte’s Web, who was made a Lord on the strength of his charity work. Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Politics, Sex

ISIS blamed for mystery New Year’s attacks leaving millions with sore heads

The unimaginable horror

The unimaginable horror

Despite thousands of police patrolling all major European cities, ISIS has managed to carry out coordinated attacks using a mystery disabling substance that left millions of revellers incoherent and with sore heads.

Reports across Europe painted similar pictures of the horrifying devastation caused by the attacks, with scores of incapacitated people suddenly believing they COULD dance to that Taylor Swift song, or it was EXACTLY the right time to ring their ex and slur how much they luvvved them.
Continue reading

Comments Off on ISIS blamed for mystery New Year’s attacks leaving millions with sore heads

Filed under News

Youth ‘crack-walking’ craze leads to rise in bear attacks

cracksbearsLocal police today urged parents in the village of Harold to be “ever so careful” to keep their offspring from walking on cracks in the pavement, after an 80% increase in paving-related bear attacks.

“There seems to be a general lack of appreciation of the risks presented by the current crack-stepping craze’ warned Bear Prevention Officer James James Morrison-Morrison. ‘We can only urge greater vigilance by parents; young people are all too ready to experiment with crack-stepping, bringing with it tragic consequences. The sillies.”

On a day of stark warnings for Harold’s youth, the police also issued fresh evidence of the dangers of swallowing chewing gum, showing that ingesters face a 90% chance of the gum wrapping itself around the heart, causing instant death.

“We need a concerted campaign of health education’ said PC Anita Flegg ‘our young people are treating serious health dangers as mere playground myths: only last week we had to remove a full sized apple tree from the stomach of young man who had accidentally swallowed a pip.”

“What a tosser.”

Comments Off on Youth ‘crack-walking’ craze leads to rise in bear attacks

Filed under Around Harold, Children, Health

Time ‘Person of the Year’ sees Tony Blair ranked 7,399,999,998th

Blair happyTime magazine has announced Tony Blair has come 7,399,999,998th in its ‘Person of the Year’ award, just ahead of Katie Hopkins and Bill Cosby.

Mr Blair is said to be ‘delighted’ to have climbed two places since last year.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Time ‘Person of the Year’ sees Tony Blair ranked 7,399,999,998th

Filed under News

Letwin’s explanation in full: “I was a Conservative”

Oliver_Letwin_Official-300x300

Trust me, I’m a Conservative

Oliver Letwin held a press conference this afternoon, to expand upon his ‘unreserved’ apology for historical remarks, which anyone with a brain might view as racist bollocks.

“What needs to be borne in mind” began Mr Letwin “is that I was and remain a Conservative. Thank you all for coming.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on Letwin’s explanation in full: “I was a Conservative”

Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics

RSPCB warn that Cribbins is ‘last surviving famous Bernard’

image

The Cribbins, seen in its natural environment

The RSPCB’s endangered species watch team reported today that ‘Voice of the Wombles’ Bernard Cribbins is now likely to be the only celebrity called ‘Bernard’ still surviving in the wild in the UK.

“Bernard numbers have been dropping steadily for many years, but until today’s count we had no idea just how rare the famous Bernard has become on these shores,” announced an RSPCB spokesman this morning.

“Conditions have been getting more and more harsh for the native Bernard, and one by one they’ve died out – Shaw, Bresslaw, even Manning – we don’t believe there remains a single breeding pair of Bernards in existence.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on RSPCB warn that Cribbins is ‘last surviving famous Bernard’

Filed under environment, News, TV

David Cameron discovers ‘North’

David Cameron puts on a 'North' face

David Cameron puts on his ‘North’ face

An astonished David Cameron has found a direction called ‘North’.

“I’d heard about it in Smiths’ songs, but never for one moment thought it was real. My moral compass only showed a ‘South’” explained the Prime Minister.
Continue reading

Comments Off on David Cameron discovers ‘North’

Filed under News

Guardian blames Jeremy Corbyn for floods

He’s staring at the sky to summon more rain. And Cthulhu.

As the north continues to be battered by floods the Guardian newspaper has decided to blame the whole thing on Jeremy Corbyn.

“Ever since he became leader our stance has very much been when the news is nasty or scaremy, don’t think, just blame Jeremy,” Guardian editor Katharine Viner told us. “And the floods are a perfect excuse to carry on.” Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Media

Money raised by NHS Choir charity single “will be spent on redundancy payments”

jeremyhunt2

“See this? That’s more than the public will benefit.”

Jeremy Hunt is delighted with the success of the Lewisham and Greenwich NHS Choir’s single, but says all the profits must go to the NHS, as the song was performed in NHS uniforms and filmed on NHS premises.

“But vulnerable individuals will still benefit.” assured the Health Secretary “After we take a 55% administration fee, the balance will be spent on staff redundancy payments.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on Money raised by NHS Choir charity single “will be spent on redundancy payments”

Filed under Health, News, Politics

BBC’s Dickensian more confusing than Enigma code

Capture

At last a Dickens character we recognise. Good old Inspector Javert

BBC One has blown the nation’s minds with Dickensian, a lavish 20-part drama that’s more confusing than a riddle wrapped in the Enigma code inside a clue from 3-2-1.

“I thought it would be a fun story featuring the most famous Dickens characters,” said viewer Ange Harris. “But it’s unfathomable. Who are the Barbarys, what’s a Captain Hawdon, and am I allowed to laugh at the name Fanny Biggetywitch?” Continue reading

Comments Off on BBC’s Dickensian more confusing than Enigma code

Filed under TV

Merry Christmas

roflbot

Comments Off on Merry Christmas

Filed under Christmas

Father Christmas’ US visa revoked without explanation

Capture

Ho, ho, ho? No, no. no

Christmas looks set to come but not at all to the United States this year as Father Christmas’ visa has been sensationally revoked and missile batteries in Alaska placed on Reindeer In The Sky Alert: Level One.

A spokesperson for the US Department of Homeland Security said that in these tense times their reaction was perfectly justified. “What we’ve got here is a foreign man with a big beard travelling with a huge sack full of who knows what. If that ain’t a threat to the US then we don’t know what is.” Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Christmas

Archaeologists discover tiny Corbyn apology buried on Sun front page

sun1

Where’s that pesky little apology?

Archaeologists were celebrating today after the discovery of what is thought to be the smallest, hardest to find apology in the history of writing.

The apology, which experts believe is on the bottom left corner of the  front page of the Sun newspaper, was forced upon that publication after they were found to have lied to their readers by claiming Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn swore allegiance to the Queen for monetary benefit.

The Sun printed this story in massive letters a foot high, complete with a page-filling image of Corbyn with a jester’s hat clumsily Photoshopped on by a lazy intern.

The apology measured approximately 0.0000000000000000002 millimetres in height, was written in Welsh, and was actually only visible to eagles.

“We can’t believe we found it,” explained chief archaeologist Montana Evans. “We’ve never actually seen anything that small before, it’s a work of genius – only someone with the tiniest of tools and mind could have put it there.”

When asked why they had not apologised more noticeably for lying to their readers, a spokesperson for the Sun was keen to explain, saying:

“It’s pretty simple. We don’t want people to know we lie to our readers, so we commissioned this new micro-font that’s too small for humans to read, and used that.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on Archaeologists discover tiny Corbyn apology buried on Sun front page

Filed under Media, News, Smug

‘Just one more sleep till Midnight Mass’, say excited children

excited childExcitement amongst children is reaching fever pitch as they realise it is just one more sleep before Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve.

“I’ve been waiting for this all year” said Simon Evans, aged 9, from Harold. “I get to spend time with my family and friends, smell the incense, and sing some carols. But best of all, I get to stay up late and hear more about Jesus.”
Continue reading

Comments Off on ‘Just one more sleep till Midnight Mass’, say excited children

Filed under News

Cameron to bomb Scotland after Ginger Terrorist threat

charles

Narrow escape from the ginger menace

Following the arrest of the so-called “Ginger Terrorist” who planned to murder Prince Charles, Prime Minister David Cameron has announced that British bomber planes will immediately begin pre-emptive strikes in Scotland to counter the Ginger extremist threat.

The Ginger Terrorist hoped to make royal ginger Harry next in line to the throne, as a first step in a glorious Ginger Revolution, which would see the rest of the country forever under the auburn jackboot of the carrot-topped army.

Cameron plans to attack known centres of ginger extremism, such as Glasgow, where over 90% of the population are thought to support gingerist causes.

Continue reading

2 Comments

Filed under News, Royals

Donald Trump ‘outraged’ that new Hermione actress is muggle

DJT

He who must not be President

Movie fan and frightful old bore Donald Trump has expressed outrage that the Hermione character in the new Harry Potter stage production will be played by a muggle actress.

“This is a disgraceful example of these muggles coming here and taking over,” raged Trump today. “Everyone knows that Hermione is magical, far more so than some of the other actors, like that guy who plays Neville, for example.”

“This new one, I saw her in Midsomer Murders, and she wasn’t in the least bit magical. I think people are going to be pretty unhappy.”

“Not like that lovely Emma Watson. She can make Polyjuice Potion, and her Patronus is an otter.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on Donald Trump ‘outraged’ that new Hermione actress is muggle

Filed under Entertainment, Politics

Brenda’s Guide to Christmas Day Fights

fergie_in_maxim-1663-e1367312654387Following the revelation that the average UK family will have at least 5 fights on Christmas day – with the first one at an impressively precise 10.13am – we asked Harold’s relationship guru and all round sage advice giver, Brenda Ferguson, how to avoid stress this festive season.

“Most arguments follow a predictable pattern” said Brenda. “Having studied these closely over the last few minutes, I have been able to come up with a foolproof way to diffuse nasty situations and restore harmony.” Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Christmas

Awards blunder sees Andy Murray named Miss Universe

andy-murray-tiara - Copy

Murray overcome with joy

The Miss Universe 2015 contest has ended in confusion and disarray after the host mistakenly named Scottish tennis star Andy Murray as the surprise winner.

A shocked but delighted Murray had already been crowned, and was in the middle of a worldwide TV interview before the mistake was spotted.

“This is so unexpected, but I couldn’t be happier,” Murray announced in front of a cheering crowd. “I’ll do my very best to be as feminine as possible during my term as Miss Universe, starting with the grunting, that’s so important for us lady players.”

“I don’t think I’ve quite got the look yet, either. I’ve got quite a smooth backhand, but the rest of me is pretty hairy, to be honest.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on Awards blunder sees Andy Murray named Miss Universe

Filed under Lifestyle, Sport

DWP force obese 900 year old man to do worldwide parcel delivery job

father christmasThe DWP has ruled an obese 900 year old man ‘fit to work’, and fully capable of delivering millions of parcels on Christmas Eve.

Department of Work and Pensions spokesperson Neville Satan defended the health and disability assessment ruling, saying the organisation scrupulously applied the standard ‘is the person dead?’ test to their Northern client.

“Mr Claus may be 900 years but he managed to the parcel delivery job last Christmas” said Mr Satan. “He’s done sod all since then so as far as we are concerned it’s back to work you fat, lazy bastard.”
Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Christmas

Lord Janner dies after being sick for 40 years

JannerLord Janner, the former Labour peer and MP accused of child sexual abuse, has died aged 87.

The peer had been accused of 22 historic sex offences against boys, with the allegations spanning 4 decades. After a prolonged legal process, Lord Janner was this month ruled unfit to stand trial to sighs of relief from the Crown Prosecution Service and the Establishment in general.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Lord Janner dies after being sick for 40 years

Filed under Crime, News