Waiting for the Gangmaster for their first compulsory work detail
The silver-surfer generation woke up this morning, overjoyed by being alive, by winning the referendum, and by the prospect of the hard work of rebuilding the country.
“Not me though, love.” chuckled pensioner Elsie Duggan of Harold’s Over-The-Hill Nursing Home. “The youngsters will do it, won’t they? Those nice Polish plumbers down the road for starters, their daughters are both carers here, you know.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Economy, News, referendum
When you want to think but your brain decides to recite Blackadder quotes instead
The whole country has woken up with the nagging feeling that they’re supposed to do something really serious.
“I keep racking my brains but nothing leaps to mind,” local pensioner Tom Stalling told us. “I can recall that people have been shouting at us and talking down to us for ages but now I’m buggered if I know what it was all in aid of.” Continue reading
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Filed under Politics, referendum
Trust me, why would I lie to you?
Michael Gove insists John Barnes will vote Leave tomorrow, despite the former England footballer clearly stating the opposite.
“The country’s had enough of so-called experts” droned the pasty cabbage-patch doll lookalike “John Barnes has set himself up as ‘an expert’ on John Barnes but has he got a hidden agenda? Continue reading
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Filed under breaking news, News, Politics, referendum
Today both sides will be crossing the country releasing these onto high streets
As the Brexit and Remain campaigns launch into their final fevered day of shouting at the rest of us like we’re all five and didn’t go to the toilet when Miss told us too and now look at the mess there is concern on both sides that voters aren’t yet sufficiently terrified.
“I don’t want people mooching into the polling centre early evening to casually take part in a little light democracy,” said Boris Johnson. “I want them queuing up half the night scared beyond words by the thought that if they don’t get that cross in the leave box as soon as possible 800 million Turks will invade by teatime and bugger the NHS to death with a simit.” Continue reading
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Two people who live on a planet so different from ours they might as well be aliens
As the referendum campaigns enter their final frothing madness stage the UK is braced for a barrage of instruction from some of the most over-praised and overpaid people in the country. The list is long however the Evening Harold managed to catch up with two of the nation’s leading and most talkative thesps who spake unto us from their bubble of privilege.
Benedict Cumberbatch who last year in the West End nightly treated fans to a very long and ill-informed speech on Syria with a quick couple of scenes from Hamlet thrown in at the beginning said that actors should tell people what to do because “we’re just better than you”. Continue reading
Filed under referendum, Showbusiness
It’s a nice idea but how can people like this integrate into normal society?
Disastrous attempt to breed a golden retriever that could hold down a very simple job, Boris Johnson, was heckled at a Leave rally earlier today when he proposed an amnesty for long-term Ukip supporters. Continue reading
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I’d eat them with some fava beans
If Britain votes to leave the EU George Osborne will have no option but to eat your children in order to survive, the Chancellor has claimed in a statement today.
This drastic move would occur in tandem with massive tax rises and savage cuts to public services.
“Brexit would hit the economy so hard that I would have no option but to immediately increase the basic rate of income tax to one hundred percent, put VAT up to a million percent and cut public services to the point that your bins are only collected once every fifteen years.” Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics, referendum
“What’s all that noise over there about?”
Comforting mole-person in khaki slacks, Jeremy Corbyn, has spoken of his utter shock on learning that the UK is in the grip of a referendum debate.
“I was aware that people are talking about something a lot,” he said. “I thought that maybe Bake Off was back on or something.” Continue reading
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I’ve thrown my lot in with different psychopaths, such as David Cameron and George Osborne
Dr Wollaston, Tory chairman of the Health Select Committee, has clambered aboard the other EU referendum horse and galloped off in the opposite direction.
“It was a shock to find that Boris Johnson and Michael Gove were psychopaths, lying about spending £350 million a week more on the NHS. Who knew?” said Dr Wollaston yesterday. “So I’ve thrown my lot in with different psychopaths such as David Cameron and George Osborne.”
Wollaston was pleased that she could both remain a Tory MP and retain her professional integrity.
“And luckily. my position on the Hippocratic Oath is unaffected. There’s nothing in there about selling off the NHS.”
Bloody foreigners, coming over here taking our litter and tidying our commons….
Nigel Farage is insisting that under Brexit the UK’s favourite mostly immigrant litter-picking team will lose access to their Wimbledon Common home.
“This is a furry swarm of unskilled economic migrants who’ve arrived uninvited in this country and have made no effort to integrate with British society,” Farage said. “They’ve come from as far away as China and the Amazon basin to take advantage of our benefits system and our way of life. Especially the part where decent Brits enjoy covering their country in rubbish which is our right and one we fought WWII to uphold.” Continue reading
Filed under Politics, referendum
“I’ll have what she’s having.” May watches a deportation
“I’ve been going to church for years” explained Mrs May “so I’ve no need to prove I’m a christian.
An Iranian though might be tempted to pretend to be so by our subsistence benefits, risking nothing more than public execution of his or her whole family if the Iranian religious police learn about it.” Continue reading
Trust me, I was a commodities trader
UKIP’s leader has clarified that, after a Leave vote, all the good things about the EU will carry on because it’s only the bad things that will disappear.
“May I give you an analogy?” roared Farage, adding, without a pause “It’s like a divorce. The jilted one won’t shred the contents of their partner’s wardrobe and scatter the smoking remnants in the front garden. Or leave his classic vinyl collection in the microwave.” Continue reading
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Filed under EU referendum, Europe, News, Politics
Sophistication on toast: the real Donald Trump relaxing at home
Thoughtful scholar and gentle soul, Donald Trump, has admitted that he’s running out of abominable shite to spout.
“It’s getting harder and harder to come up with the goods,” he confessed. “I go home at night, take off the vivid orange make-up, remove the…let’s just call it a wig, shall we? We’re all better off not knowing the fine details…and try to relax with a slim volume of metaphysical poetry and a nice dry Grüner Veltliners but it’s impossible as I find myself worrying about where tomorrow’s crazy will come from.” Continue reading
Filed under International News, Politics
We tried to think of a witty caption but to be honest she just makes us feel terribly sad
Yawning void in shoes a drag queen wouldn’t touch, Theresa May, has criticised the Fire Service for appearing to have exactly the same working culture as her own organisation. In a baffling speech she lambasted the Fire Service for being toxic and corrosive and coupling it with a lack of transparency and independent scrutiny. She then returned to Number 10 and her Bullingdon Club, Panama tax haven using, “Calm down, dear” boss and his secretive, white, privately educated, millionaire, manly chums. Continue reading
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If we vote to Remain he’ll just keep on going, like a Duracell Bunny
The UK woke up this morning to the awful news that there’s still a calendar month to go, before deciding on the political careers of Boris, IDS, Osborne, and Gove.
“Not even four weeks – a proper month.” said Harold Teaching assistant Carly Jeffery “Thirty one bloody days. Seven hundred and forty four soul-destroying sodding hours. And I’m an insomniac, so I’ll be awake for most of them!” Continue reading
Not a bell-end, apparently
Londoners have reacted with surprise to the news that their new mayor Sadiq Khan is not an evil, lying corrupt bell-end.
Unlike predecessor Boris Johnson, Khan has immediately given the impression of being a likeable, reasonable man, with little or no inclination to act like a complete arsewipe.
“We have to say we expected the sort of person who would lie about wasting millions of pounds of our money on building a green bridge for his mates,” confessed one Londoner. “Or who display casual racism every day, calling Africans ‘piccaninnies’, that kind of thing.”
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Do not adjust your TV set.
“For decades, scientists were unable to explain Black Holes,” said Professor Brian Cox, “especially the super massive ones, but then we solved it. Well, Trump is like a super massive Orange Hole. Metaphorically speaking.”
Various tests have been run at CERN and lots of scientists have been writing long equations on multiple backboards, working at the very edge of reality.
“Of course we already know that Donald Trump does not exist in the normal sense of the word,” said the Professor, “but that alone may not stop him becoming President. The current hypothesis is that he is somehow the product of the collective American Mind.”
“But we’re not quite sure yet whether to describe him as a figment of the imagination or a pigment of the imagination.” Continue reading
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Filed under Entertainment, idiots, Intergalactic News, Politics, science, Space, TV, USA
Happy Days
A Harold head teacher has spoken out in defence of the new SATs – described by many as being unnecessarily stressful, pressured and far too advanced, and which reduced some students to tears.
St Mary’s Alison Lee, however, thinks the paper was no more difficult than it needs to be to prepare students for life in current society.
“Parents think that being engaged, inspired little learners will be sufficient for their offspring to succeed, but they’re living in a dream world” said Mrs Lee.
“What sort of mind do you need to have to be able to argue that a super-injunction should hold, even when everyone knows the details of the story in question? How adept at convoluted maths must you be to complete a Panama Papers tax return? These are not skills that are garnered without effort.” Continue reading
Is that you’re best shot, you pussy? My mother has a stronger grip.
Islamic State have hit back in the row between David Cameron and Boris Johnson over the terror threat level. Cameron says leaving the EU will make the UK more vulnerable; Johnson says the opposite.
“Praise the Lord, Brexit or not to Brexit makes no f*cking difference,” said ISIS in a Tweet translated by Google.
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Filed under EU referendum, Europe, News, Politics
“Betrayal is the only truth that sticks” – Arthur Miller
Avaricious shadow demon in an ex-Prime Minister costume, Tony Blair, is confidently expected to be found dead in some woods near one of his many homes on 5th July now that the Chilcot Report is being published on the 6th.
Blair, aka The Man Who Warred Too Much, will for the first time in a long time do the decent thing rather than attend a trial for war crimes at the Hague provisionally booked in for the 7th. Continue reading
Filed under Chilcot Report, Politics
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