Author Archives: yikes28

by | April 26, 2016 · 10:06 am

Man raises thousands as workmates sponsor him to listen to other workmates’ marathon stories

London MarathonAn astonishing display of self-sacrifice saw a BT worker raise £79,000 for charity after being sponsored to listen to other workmates’ London marathon stories.

Dunstable engineer Stephen Guy said he conceived the audacious plan a year ago after observing fellow workmates losing the will to live as they listened to runners they sponsored recount their marathon at a pace considerably slower than real time. One workmate’s comment ‘I sponsored him 10 quid to run the race but I’d gladly pay 100 quid if he stopped talking about it’ particularly struck a chord.
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by | April 19, 2016 · 7:21 am

Jeremy Clarkson involved in celebrity onesome?

jeremy-clarkson-1200-1024x683After solving the celebrity threesome case, the internet has outed Jeremy Clarkson for conducting a one-in-the-bed romp.

Speculation the presenter was involved in a steamy celebrity onesome intensified as Clarkson’s infatuation with himself become increasingly obvious. What started as knowing looks in the mirror and flirty notes to himself about his “top gear” quickly escalated into a full-blown self love affair that Clarkson openly conducted in front of viewers around the globe.
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by | April 18, 2016 · 9:33 am

Social Justice Warrior outrages himself

Victim-blamer won't show his face

Victim-blamer won’t show his face

A man who said ‘take care’ as his elderly mum was leaving to catch the Tube home is now completely outraged at the misogynist, racist, ageist, victim-blaming overtones of his remark.

Paul Rhodes, unemployed, from London, is a passionate Social Justice Warrior, which made his gross breach of Warrior norms all the more galling.

“I’m outraged and massively disappointed at the complete monster I’ve become” wailed Mr Rhodes, who is painfully white.
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by | April 15, 2016 · 11:05 am

No mention of Elton John and David Furnish in Panama Papers

Elton John, David FurnishCelebrity couple Elton John and David Furnish are not named in the Panama Papers, putting to rest internet rumours that their affairs were not in order.

Both John and husband Furnish were trending on Twitter, leading to speculation they were trying to cover up secretive transactions in Panama. But it now seems it was a simple misunderstanding leaving many people embarrassed at how they jumped to conclusions.
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by | April 11, 2016 · 8:47 am

Leicester City face horrifying prospect of David Cameron becoming a fan

LeicesterLeicester City are poised to secure David Cameron as a fan unless they snap a worrying sequence of victories.

Foxes fans who happily cheered their team on to the verge of the Premier League title are now in a blind panic as they are confronted with the inevitability of David Cameron jumping on the bandwagon.
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by | April 4, 2016 · 12:24 pm

Tories trawl Panama Papers in hunt for welfare cheat

"I see trees, lots and lots of trees"

“I see trees, lots and lots of trees”

David Cameron says he will not sleep until he’s trawled through all the Panama Papers to find someone who’s been overpaid £50 of Jobseeker’s Allowance.

“My mother always said ‘look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves’, so I’m determined to go through the 11 million leaked Panamanian files and catch a few welfare cheats, and rely on the super-rich to look after themselves” said Cameron.
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by | March 30, 2016 · 6:27 am

Gullible people outraged over April Fool’s Day cancellation

april foolsReports about the cancellation of April Fool’s Day have caused gullible people to get very upset.

Local hairdresser Liz Pastel spoke for many saying, “I can’t believe the April Fool’s Day Department has taken away the one day a year I allow myself to be hoodwinked.”

“I vividly remember how shocked I was last year to read that humans evolved from apes, only to suddenly notice it was 1 April! I laughed so much I was worried I’d fall off the edge of the earth.”
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by | March 27, 2016 · 10:23 am

Vampire killed in tragic daylight saving error

Norman Dracula in happier times

Norman Dracula in happier times

A failure to remember that the clocks had ‘sprung’ forward had tragic consequences for a 312 year old vampire this evening.

Norman Dracula, from Dunstable, woke as usual at 7pm and decided to nip down to the local off license for wine and cigarettes to steady his nerves before a planned big night of sexually stylised biting. Unfortunately 7.10pm was like 6.10pm the day before, and he was killed the instant he opened his front door.

Norman’s devastated friends and family said the error was quite out of character for the normally meticulous vampire.
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by | March 26, 2016 · 10:21 am

Donald Trump says he’s never forgiven the Muslims for killing Jesus

TrumpEaster is a time for remembering that Muslims killed Jesus, according to Donald Trump.

“People ask me why I don’t like Muslims, and I say ‘duh’, it’s because they nailed Jesus to the cross with those Muslamic nails of theirs. Page 545 of the Bible I think it is, there in black and white, Muhammad Pilate and his henchmen killing Jesus.”
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by | March 21, 2016 · 10:26 am

If this is a Tory civil war, imagine what it will be like when it gets nasty

Cameron Popcorn sales have soared as the British public sit back in their armchairs to watch the Tories tear each other apart, hopefully literally.

“It’s great entertainment, think ‘the Hunger Games’, but for older, fat people” beamed life-long socialist and Harold Café owner Pippa Delaney. “And there’s no petty backstabbing, they’re all going straight for each other’s hearts – good luck if they can find one!”
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by | March 20, 2016 · 10:48 am

England wins 6 Nations after ref misses numerous obvious handballs, says Daily Mail

How could the ref miss this handball?

How could the ref miss this handball?

A lucky England has the referee to thank as they completed a 6 Nations Grand Slam despite numerous handballs, according to the Daily Mail’s Chief Football Correspondent Matt Lawson.

Mr Lawson said he didn’t want to diminish England’s triumph, but by his count the referee and his linesmen missed over 100 handballs, with players often blatantly throwing the ball to each other before finally kicking the ball. Add in the penalties that soared over the crossbar, and it was clear England had the rub of the refereeing green.
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by | March 19, 2016 · 8:00 am

Man with no moral compass accidentally finds moral high ground

Duncan SmithIain Duncan Smith resigned as Work and Pensions Secretary because his preferred option of boiling pensioners down to soap was rejected, it can be revealed.

Panicked voters who initially thought Mr Duncan Smith had developed a social conscience were relieved to find it was all a simple misunderstanding, and it was just that Mr Duncan Smith disliked old people even more than he disliked disabled people.
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by | March 15, 2016 · 7:00 am

Driverless car chases cyclist for three miles in road rage incident

Google CarConfidence in driverless cars has soared after Google’s self-driving car chased a cyclist for three miles while unleashing a torrent of abuse and spraying the cyclist with water.

According to eye witnesses in Palo Alto, the incident started when a middle-aged cyclist with an enormous sense of entitlement jumped the traffic lights causing the Google self-driving car to slam on its brakes to avoid a collision. The cyclist then laughed, gave the Google car the finger, and sped off. But it is what happened next that made observers realise driverless cars really were here to stay.
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by | March 10, 2016 · 9:13 am

‘Vote to stay in EU or I’ll post a naked selfie’, threatens Cameron

'Project Fear' turns to 'Project Pure Terror'

‘Project Fear’ turns to ‘Project Pure Terror’

The consequences of a Brexit just got more serious after David Cameron said he’ll do a Kim Kardashian and post a naked selfie if Britain votes to leave the EU.

For many Brexit fans, ‘Project Fear’ has now become ‘Project Pure Terror’.

“Shit’s just got real” said local headmaster Clive Morris. “A Cameron nude selfie might not break the internet, but it would certainly leave it rather soiled.”
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by | February 23, 2016 · 9:59 am

Aston Villa will leave EPL in May unless other teams offer significant goal concessions

Prepared for what?

Prepared for what?

Aston Villa will vote to leave the English Premier League in May unless other teams agree to concede a significant number of goals, according to their chairman Steven Hollis.

“We are serious about a May Axit from the EPL unless we get an improved deal from the other teams. We’re not talking one goal here, or two goals there, we need our opponents to concede at least 6 or 7 goals per game for us to remain competitive” said Mr Hollis.
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by | February 22, 2016 · 11:09 am

Young co-workers couldn’t give a shit you liked the Cure before they were popular

cureNo one under 30 cares even slightly that you liked the Cure before they were popular, according to an informal survey of British workplaces.

They are also profoundly uninterested you saw Siouxsie and the Banshees play in a small North London pub in 1980, and had a joint with the band afterwards.

“Basically when I hear shit like this, I just think ‘sad old loser’,” said Melanie Delaney, 19.
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by | February 21, 2016 · 9:10 am

EU vote means terrifying choice between something supported by David Cameron and something supported by Iain Duncan Smith

tweedle dumb or tweedle dumber?

tweedle dumb or tweedle dumber?

The horrifying realisation they will have to choose between something supported by David Cameron and something supported by Iain Duncan Smith has put most people in the UK off their breakfast.

People thinking of voting to stay in the EU are worried they will be seen to be supporting hands-free interactions with pigs, while potential Brexit voters don’t want to give the impression they agree ‘fit to work’ means ‘currently breathing, or warm enough so resuscitation is still possible’.
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by | February 19, 2016 · 7:00 am

Pope says contraception sometimes ok, eg by Donald Trump’s parents

Pope TrumpPope Francis has confirmed that contraception is sometimes ok if it prevents a greater evil, eg the conception and subsequent spreading of Donald Trump.

“Avoiding pregnancy is not an absolute evil, so contraception can be justified if it prevents babies being born with Trumpephaly, ie very large heads, bad hair, but no discernible brains” said the Pontiff during a visit to Mexico.
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by | February 10, 2016 · 8:12 am

Liverpool announce signing of fan prepared to pay £77 for a seat

daniel-sturridge_withball

Transferred from Chelsea, now steal balls to make ends meet

Liverpool FC agreed to a transfer deal with Chelsea to sign a marque fan who is happy to pay £77 for a seat.

Liverpool commercial director Ian Ayre said the signing of London stockbroker Gavin Edwards for a fan record transfer fee of £2000 was a key step in strengthening their £77 seat capacity.

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by | January 25, 2016 · 7:03 am

Asylum seekers forced to wear Man Utd shirts

Man UtdIn the biggest blow to their dignity yet, UK asylum seekers are being clothed in Man Utd shirts.

Asylum seekers have previously been forced to wear red wristbands in Cardiff, and the front doors of their accommodation has been painted red in Birmingham, but that doesn’t compare with the humiliation of being dressed in Man Utd colours, say refugee rights activists.
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