Tag Archives: the sun

Sun launches campaign for UK to only accept child migrants wearing poppies

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Wave this at the Border Force and it’s as good as a visa

Mindless drunken bellow of rage echoing out of a piss-stained alley at closing time in word form, the Sun, is demanding that the UK closes its borders to anyone who isn’t a small child wearing a poppy.

“Anyone who doesn’t wear a poppy AT ALL TIMES is not British enough to be part of our great society,” thundered the paper owned by a man who’s so patriotic he swapped nationalities for tax purposes. “This great country should only accept tots, little tiny tots wearing poppies looking photogenically bewildered as the clutch their teddies, teddies made in Britain wearing poppies, for comfort.” Continue reading

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Archaeologists discover tiny Corbyn apology buried on Sun front page

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Where’s that pesky little apology?

Archaeologists were celebrating today after the discovery of what is thought to be the smallest, hardest to find apology in the history of writing.

The apology, which experts believe is on the bottom left corner of the  front page of the Sun newspaper, was forced upon that publication after they were found to have lied to their readers by claiming Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn swore allegiance to the Queen for monetary benefit.

The Sun printed this story in massive letters a foot high, complete with a page-filling image of Corbyn with a jester’s hat clumsily Photoshopped on by a lazy intern.

The apology measured approximately 0.0000000000000000002 millimetres in height, was written in Welsh, and was actually only visible to eagles.

“We can’t believe we found it,” explained chief archaeologist Montana Evans. “We’ve never actually seen anything that small before, it’s a work of genius – only someone with the tiniest of tools and mind could have put it there.”

When asked why they had not apologised more noticeably for lying to their readers, a spokesperson for the Sun was keen to explain, saying:

“It’s pretty simple. We don’t want people to know we lie to our readers, so we commissioned this new micro-font that’s too small for humans to read, and used that.”

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Filed under Media, News, Smug

Sun poll finds 20% of UK are Satan

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That Sun poll in full

A controversial opinion poll conducted by a bunch of wankers on behalf of the Sun ‘newspaper’ has found that one in five people in the UK are Satan.

The Sun originally asked reputed pollsters YouGov to conduct the survey, but were refused on the grounds that it was ‘bollocks’, it emerged today.

A new polling company, “Survation”, decided to embrace the novel corporate strategy of being immediately detested, and conducted the survey with slightly less rigour than the real polling companies might do.

Their survey apparently comprised a single question: “Are you Satan? Yes, or Not no.” Continue reading

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Palace forced to defend Queen’s links with evil dictator

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The young Queen in more innocent times, enjoying a nazi salute with ‘Uncle Rupert’

Buckingham Palace has been forced to defend the Queen after it emerged that pictures of Her Majesty had been published in The Sun newspaper, owned by the evil tyrant Rupert Murdoch.

Members of the public were shocked today to find out that Queen Elizabeth had appeared in the reviled pages of the detested publication, forcing palace officials to hastily issue a statement insisting that the appearance of the photograph was an innocent event which had been blown out of all proportion.

“The photograph was taken a long time ago,” claimed a spokesperson, “When many people just didn’t realise how evil The Sun really was. Being a naive 89-year-old, the Queen simply didn’t understand what it meant to be linked to Rupert Murdoch, and we would like to assure everyone that she is not, and has never been, a grubby far-right bucket of sleaze. There are plenty of other people in the royal family to take care of all that.” Continue reading

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‘I will miss punching people’ says Jeremy Clarkson

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Sandwich? Knuckle.

In his first comment since being dropped from the TV show Top Gear, Jeremy Clarkson has said he will miss punching people in the face.

The presenter was writing in his first column for the Sun since he was released from the show on 25 March after an “unprovoked physical attack” on a producer.

“Heartfelt thanks to all those who have written to say how much they will miss me on Top Gear,” he wrote. “It’s not as much, however, as I’ll miss being there.”

“Mainly,” he continued, “the sensation of smashing my knuckles into the face of someone who fears for their job and has done nothing wrong except working on the same show as a bullying overweight twat. You know, those sorts of things. Specifically, the punching.” Continue reading

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Britain First boycott reading.

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Britain First leaders organising their now famous ‘library invasions’

Far­-right Facebook picture sharers Britain First have called on their supporters to boycott reading after some words were written about them that were critical and questioned their practices.

The group, which is a splinter group of the BNP set up by disgruntled party members, made the call to action following their boycott of The Sun for criticising their use of Lynda Bellingham’s death to garner support and on the Daily Mail for being too socialist and left wing.

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‘Leaders who chase every passing bandwagon will be found out’ says Miliband

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Yes, Ed, we rather think that they will

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People still mistaking Katie Hopkins’ opinions for news

The latest fuss surrounding self-promoting rent-a-gob, Katie Hopkins, suggests that many people in the media and the public in general are still under the misguided impression that her contrived, deliberately controversial opinions are somehow newsworthy.

More than 38,000 people have signed a petition to have Hopkins banned from the media in the wake of her comments about Scotland, completely missing the point that in doing so they are giving her exactly the publicity she craves. Continue reading

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The Sun says ‘obesity crisis is sexy’ and welcomes first page 3 boy

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Jamie, 23 thinks everyone should lighten up over the NSA call-monitoring scandal. “If a powerful man, for example the President of the USA or an elderly Australian, wants to listen in on the rest of us why should we spoil their fun?”

The Sun newspaper has declared obesity to be sexy and today published its first edition with a Page 3 boy rather than the usual if increasingly controversial Page 3 girl.

“It’s a no brainer,” explained editor David Dinsmore. “As the population gets more chunky there’s more and more lads out there with cracking sets of jubblies. So we say don’t be ashamed lads, get ’em out for the er…ladies I guess. And gay blokes. The Sun is a modern newspaper we love all that now.”

“Moobs are where it’s at,” Dinsmore enthused. “Not for me, I’m not a poof, obviously. But lets be honest we’ve all been a bit blurry in the morning and seen pictures of moob pioneers like Vladimer Putin and Simon Cowell and felt a bit of a low down tingle before realising our mistake, haven’t we?” Continue reading

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The Sun launch their ‘unique and unrivalled’ royal baby coverage

Fake Sheikh Midwife

Young royals warned not to sheikh the baby

Following today’s launch of ‘The Sun’s royal baby monitor’, a live camera feed from outside St Mary’s Hospital, the News Group (formally News International) paper has announced how they are going to use their unique reporting methods to bring unrivalled access to the royal birth.

“Great reporters, amazing technology, and dubious moral values mean we can bring you the royal birth from the first contraction right through to long lens picture of the royal baby’s first suckle” editor David Dinsmore told readers. Continue reading

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