Tag Archives: terrorism

PM vows to reverse Police cuts of David Cameron’s “dreadful” Home Secretary

Does anyone know who this dreadful Home Secretary was?

Theresa May says although the current Home Secretary Amber Rudd is doing a fine job, David Cameron’s choice was “dreadful, a disaster who missed every major target for over seven years”.

Mrs May vowed to reverse the un-named woman’s worst decisions, starting with the huge cuts in Police funding.

“Clearly, she wasn’t up to it. The instant she moved on, Amber, an altogether more capable woman, got the job.”

It’s not only security failures says May, who accused the last two governments of “being asleep at the wheel” Continue reading

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Filed under Election 2017, News, Police, Politics

Theresa May unveils plans to personally come and tut at you if you view porn online

You disgust me

You disgust me

New surveillance laws will see Theresa May turn up at your house, tut and shake her head disapprovingly if you have been looking at porn online.

The Home Secretary has unveiled the latest plans in the Commons today after initial proposals for her to follow you to work yelling “Pervert!” at the top of her voice were blocked by the Lib Dems. Continue reading

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Blair urges extremists to ignore one million people marching

Blair acts on his personal commandment, "thou shalt not listen"

Blair acts on his personal commandment, “thou shalt not listen”

In an unexpected turn in the fight against terrorism, former prime minister and UN Middle East peace envoy Tony Blair has told terrorists to take a leaf out of his book, and ignore the message of one million people marching through the streets.

“It’s not very often I can sympathise with terrorists, other than the killing innocent people thing, but having one million people marching through the street is something they should ignore,” Mr Blair said. Continue reading

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“It’s just kak”: World agrees to restart 2015 after horrendous beginning

adorable-baby-cat-cute-kitten-favim-com-284524

Happy new New Year: more kittens, less bullets

In an unprecedented move almost the entire world has agreed to press reset and start 2015 again.

“The year so far while young in days has been high in tragedy. It’s just kak” said David Cameron. “Let us all as one pause, step back and have another go. But not the sales again, let’s try to have a little dignity this time and not be queuing outside Next at 3:00am.” Continue reading

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Terrorists threaten to attack UK by washing uncooked chicken

A terrorist, yesterday

A terrorist, yesterday

The terror threat level to the UK was today raised to the highest level since the Iraq war after suspicions grew that terrorists might have been reading all the recent articles about the deadly peril of washing uncooked chicken.

It is now known that washing raw chicken releases tiny water droplets filled with extreme poison into your kitchen, killing you and all your family instantly. Until this fact was established by government scientists, there was no explanation for the mysterious spate of deaths affecting everyone in the country who cooked chicken.

“Raw chicken washing-related deaths were running at approximately five million per year, in London alone,” explained chief government medical officer Brian Panic. “We’d always wondered why this might be, but no-one had ever put two and two together, despite the obvious presence of freshly washed chicken fillets near all the bodies.” Continue reading

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Terror suspect ‘lived at Blair address’

court

The court artist ‘vomited like an Ebola victim’ as she attempted to make this sketch.

A terror suspect accused of carrying out ‘indiscriminate killings’ lived at an address that started with ‘Mr and Mrs Blair’s house’.

The revelation was made during a trial at the Old Bailey. Jurors were shown a video of a 61 year-old man speaking with a transatlantic accent, posing on holiday and telling locals that he was once ‘really popular, actually’.

The suspect was ‘hiding in plain sight’ according to prosecutors, in a ‘massive house’ containing paintings of himself and his ‘frankly awful’ wife.

“These were obviously planned, because colossal portraits don’t happen by accident”, said Prosecutor Cherie Blair. “And the one over the fireplace really captures my good side. Not one of them is a water colour and all of them bear the hallmark ‘A Pretty Straight Kinda Peace Envoy’. I put it to you that you’re obsessed with oils.”
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PM backs new laws against killing people and blowing stuff up

boom

Already wrong: about to be made wronger.

David Cameron has given his unconditional support to a new set of rules that will punish those that kill others, or try to ruin things with explosives.

The controversial new approach will give MPs the opportunity to express outrage and concern, and reassure voters that everything is very much under control.

While some radicalised critics have pointed out that murder and terrorism are already illegal under archaic rules, the prime minister insisted that shiny new laws are better than dusty old ones.

“Nothing prevents sickening carnage like rafts of new legisture”, beamed Cameron. “I have in my hand a white paper.”
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Police force admit ‘ant terrorism’ initiative result of typing error

Possibly planning acts of terrorism, but probably not.

Possibly planning acts of terrorism, but probably not.

The Harold police force has admitted that a recent focus on ant terrorism was “almost certainly” a result of a typing error, with the number of arrests still standing at zero after more than six months of hard work.

“I went to a regional conference on policing in Luton and there was a lot going on so I struggled to keep up but made the best notes I could.” explained an embarrassed PC Flegg, “There was a whole section on anti-terrorism techniques, but it would appear that when I came to type up my notes I missed the i off anti.” Continue reading

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23 years after message in bottle, woman is finally arrested for littering

message-in-a-bottle

Lethal

A woman who threw a message in a bottle into the North Sea more than 20 years ago has finally been tracked down and arrested after it was discovered in the Netherlands.

Louise Darling, from the village of Harold, was 10 when she threw the note as she went on holiday on a ferry from Hull to Belgium on 12 September 1990.

She thought nothing more of it, until this Christmas, when her house was cordoned off by hundreds of heavily-armoured riot police who dragged her handcuffed from the house under close surveillance from an elite team of army snipers.

Her letter, discovered by an elderly Dutch couple walking on the beach near the port of Vissershaven, had read: “Dear finder, my name is Louise. Please would you write to me, I would like it a lot.

“I am 10 years old and I like ballet, playing the flute and the piano. I have a hamster called Sparkle and a fish called Speckle.”

Ms Darling said she was surprised not just at how far the message had travelled, but also at being arrested under anti-terrorist legislation and detained without charge waiting for rendition to a compliant Eastern-European nation with lax human rights.

Trevor Pearce, Director-General of the Serious Organised Crime Agency, issued a statement congratulating officers for their courage and tenacity in an operation which has lasted two decades.

“These are the sort of bastards we’re out to get,” he explained. “Scum like this think they can launch attacks on the fabric of our society, but they won’t get away with it. This bottle could have contained a fast-acting deadly nerve gas rendering the whole North Sea toxic.”

“It didn’t, but it could have done.”

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Filed under Law and Order, Lost and Found

Village ‘security services’ defend snooping tactics.

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Snooping at people through net curtains ‘defends people’s freedoms’, the head of Harold’s Neighbourhood Watch (HNW) has told the council’s ‘nosey bastards select committee’.

Janice Logan, Chief Executive of HNW, told the committee that since she took charge in 2010, her organisation has disrupted 3 cases of anti-social behaviour, identified the mystery dog owner that left their dog’s ‘suspicious packages’ all over the village without clearing them up, and had set-up surveillance on five separate bedrooms to counter the threat affairs may have on the local divorce rate.

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Councillor defends sudden holiday, despite house being on fire

jollybobs

Still in control, at 30,000 feet

Councillor Ron Ronsson has been widely criticised for going on holiday, despite his house being ablaze for several hours before he left.

Ronsson is no stranger to dealing with emergencies, and has the people at Lastminute.com on speed-dial. But some in the council have claimed that looking for a reasonable deal in the sun should always play second-fiddle to calling the emergency services.

“I’m still in charge”, claimed Ronsson, on a note found in his drive way. “’All-inclusive’ doesn’t mean we’ve suddenly become a commune.”
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