You disgust me
New surveillance laws will see Theresa May turn up at your house, tut and shake her head disapprovingly if you have been looking at porn online.
The Home Secretary has unveiled the latest plans in the Commons today after initial proposals for her to follow you to work yelling “Pervert!” at the top of her voice were blocked by the Lib Dems. Continue reading
Blair acts on his personal commandment, “thou shalt not listen”
In an unexpected turn in the fight against terrorism, former prime minister and UN Middle East peace envoy Tony Blair has told terrorists to take a leaf out of his book, and ignore the message of one million people marching through the streets.
“It’s not very often I can sympathise with terrorists, other than the killing innocent people thing, but having one million people marching through the street is something they should ignore,” Mr Blair said. Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
Happy new New Year: more kittens, less bullets
In an unprecedented move almost the entire world has agreed to press reset and start 2015 again.
“The year so far while young in days has been high in tragedy. It’s just kak” said David Cameron. “Let us all as one pause, step back and have another go. But not the sales again, let’s try to have a little dignity this time and not be queuing outside Next at 3:00am.” Continue reading
A terrorist, yesterday
The terror threat level to the UK was today raised to the highest level since the Iraq war after suspicions grew that terrorists might have been reading all the recent articles about the deadly peril of washing uncooked chicken.
It is now known that washing raw chicken releases tiny water droplets filled with extreme poison into your kitchen, killing you and all your family instantly. Until this fact was established by government scientists, there was no explanation for the mysterious spate of deaths affecting everyone in the country who cooked chicken.
“Raw chicken washing-related deaths were running at approximately five million per year, in London alone,” explained chief government medical officer Brian Panic. “We’d always wondered why this might be, but no-one had ever put two and two together, despite the obvious presence of freshly washed chicken fillets near all the bodies.” Continue reading
Filed under Crime, Lifestyle
The court artist ‘vomited like an Ebola victim’ as she attempted to make this sketch.
A terror suspect accused of carrying out ‘indiscriminate killings’ lived at an address that started with ‘Mr and Mrs Blair’s house’.
The revelation was made during a trial at the Old Bailey. Jurors were shown a video of a 61 year-old man speaking with a transatlantic accent, posing on holiday and telling locals that he was once ‘really popular, actually’.
The suspect was ‘hiding in plain sight’ according to prosecutors, in a ‘massive house’ containing paintings of himself and his ‘frankly awful’ wife.
“These were obviously planned, because colossal portraits don’t happen by accident”, said Prosecutor Cherie Blair. “And the one over the fireplace really captures my good side. Not one of them is a water colour and all of them bear the hallmark ‘A Pretty Straight Kinda Peace Envoy’. I put it to you that you’re obsessed with oils.”
Filed under Crime, Politics
Already wrong: about to be made wronger.
David Cameron has given his unconditional support to a new set of rules that will punish those that kill others, or try to ruin things with explosives.
The controversial new approach will give MPs the opportunity to express outrage and concern, and reassure voters that everything is very much under control.
While some radicalised critics have pointed out that murder and terrorism are already illegal under archaic rules, the prime minister insisted that shiny new laws are better than dusty old ones.
“Nothing prevents sickening carnage like rafts of new legisture”, beamed Cameron. “I have in my hand a white paper.”
Possibly planning acts of terrorism, but probably not.
The Harold police force has admitted that a recent focus on ant terrorism was “almost certainly” a result of a typing error, with the number of arrests still standing at zero after more than six months of hard work.
“I went to a regional conference on policing in Luton and there was a lot going on so I struggled to keep up but made the best notes I could.” explained an embarrassed PC Flegg, “There was a whole section on anti-terrorism techniques, but it would appear that when I came to type up my notes I missed the i off anti.” Continue reading
Snooping at people through net curtains ‘defends people’s freedoms’, the head of Harold’s Neighbourhood Watch (HNW) has told the council’s ‘nosey bastards select committee’.
Janice Logan, Chief Executive of HNW, told the committee that since she took charge in 2010, her organisation has disrupted 3 cases of anti-social behaviour, identified the mystery dog owner that left their dog’s ‘suspicious packages’ all over the village without clearing them up, and had set-up surveillance on five separate bedrooms to counter the threat affairs may have on the local divorce rate.
Still in control, at 30,000 feet
Councillor Ron Ronsson has been widely criticised for going on holiday, despite his house being ablaze for several hours before he left.
Ronsson is no stranger to dealing with emergencies, and has the people at Lastminute.com on speed-dial. But some in the council have claimed that looking for a reasonable deal in the sun should always play second-fiddle to calling the emergency services.
“I’m still in charge”, claimed Ronsson, on a note found in his drive way. “’All-inclusive’ doesn’t mean we’ve suddenly become a commune.”
Filed under News, Politics