Kim Jong Un has been the first international leader to congratulate Nicola Sturgeon on her party’s success in Scotland in the General Election.
Following the type of victory in one country normally reserved for dictatorships, Mr Kim has said he was impressed at the lack of purging of political opponents involved in her landslide.
“I can’t help but get a general who fears for his life to take my hat off to her”, the North Korean leader said.
‘Trust me. We’ll soon have this torn apart.’
John Major has warned voters that a Labour/SNP coalition would ruin the country at a much higher cost than the Conservatives.
“When it comes to asset stripping and smashing glorious institutions into tiny pieces, the private sector has a lot more experience”, said Sir John.
“While we’re sure that Alex Salmond and Ed Miliband are more than capable of ruining almost anything, you have to ask yourself, ‘at what cost?’
Please God, don’t let it be put out to stud.
Whenever I used to visit my local racecourse, my friend and I would devise sure fire ways of picking the winner of the next race.
Eventually, I settled upon putting my fiver on the horse being led by the best turned out stable lass. Meanwhile, my cannier mate studied the horses carefully and put his money on the horse which dropped its .. er .. droppings before the start or the race, the theory being that the horse would be less encumbered when it came to the serious matter of racing.
Now it’s highly unlikely that any of the candidates for the General Election will be dropping their load in public before the off, but with just one day to go, here is the Evening Harold guide to the main runners and riders.
Nick Clegg (Yellow): Unlikely to win, but sure to could influence final outcome. Will stud with anyone in exchange for 5 year tenure in comfy stable.
Nicola Sturgeon (Tartan): Feisty little filly showing good breakaway form in practice. Unable to run outside of Scotland but although she can’t win the race may have an influence on final placings. Several of the other runners are keen to stud with her. Continue reading
Sturgeon carries Miliband over the line.
Nicola Sturgeon is encouraging Ed Miliband to choose a ‘safeword’, which would let her know when he wants her to stop fucking him.
“We’re having a lot of fun with our power games”, said Sturgeon, “but I sense a bit of reluctance on his part. And that might be because we haven’t set out the boundaries.”
Sturgeon has felt a surge in her ballot box recently, although she worries that it may be at the expense of her partner’s enjoyment. For his part, Miliband still insists that he is capable of coming first.
Labour’s top mathematician has been accused of editing the wikipedia entry for Nicola Sturgeon, after his name was spotted in several places on her page.
The shadow chancellor admitted to perusing her slot, but only to find out if she’d said anything nice about him.
“I was reading her entry, trying to find out if she likes me, when I suddenly found myself in a ‘text altering’ situation”, said Balls.
“Obviously, this was in between some routine searches for my own name in Google, and I think somewhere along the line, that search engine screwed up.”
Appropriate use of an NHS blanket?
The police have launched an investigation following accusations that Ed Miliband was stabbing the British people in the back with the Trident replacement.
In a statement a spokesperson for Westminster police confirmed the Labour leader was to be questioned later today.
“At this stage we’re not sure how anyone could be stabbed with a nuclear missile, but whenever we receive allegations of wrongdoing, even from the Daily Mail, we are duty bound to investigate to ensure a criminal offence has not been committed.” Continue reading
While many discuss who best represented their party position on the economy, or on immigration, a definitive view on who had the best socks has been hard to come by. Until now.
Miliband – two odd socks, one that said “Tuesday” and one that said “Sunday”, despite it being Thursday. Both socks said “right” and he needed help from his wife to put them on.
Clegg – promised in the run up to the debate that he would wear socks, even went into great detail about exactly what type of socks they would be. Then turned up without any.
With Labour seemingly reluctant to rule out doing a deal with the SNP to secure a coalition after the next election, the Conservative party have come under equal pressure to rule out doing a deal with the Devil to stay in power for five more years.
Speaking about his upcoming budget, George Osborne was asked whether doing a deal with the Devil would be a line the Tories were willing to cross.
“Obviously it is our intention to win the the election outright,” Osborne said, “but should the situation arise that the only way we can get across the line is to make a pact with the leader of Hell then so be it.
“My nan had one every day and she lived to the grand age of 39”
Warnings that the legendary Scottish delicacy, the deep fried mars bar, was unhealthy were based on flawed evidence and should not have been issued, scientists have said.
An article in the BMJ’s Open Heart journal asserts that advice adopted by authorities in the 1980s was politically motivated and was aimed at stamping out ethnic foods at a time when Scottish nationalism was on the rise.
Filed under Food, Health, News
Our little boy is growing up and leaving home
The UK has said today that they fully respect Scotland’s bid for independence, and admire their determination to stand on their own two feet, but that “they needn’t think they are going to be able to bring their washing home at weekends for me to do”.
Alex Salmond is hoping that Scotland will go with his bid for independence, swayed by the promise of being able to stay up as late as they want, not having to tidy their room if they don’t want to, and being able to bring girls home whenever they like. But there are doubts from the UK as to whether Scotland fully understands everything involved. Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics