Tag Archives: queen

Pensioners who can’t afford to turn on heating delighted by Buckingham Palace’s £389m refurbishment

laughter

“OMG! Best news evar!”

The oldest and most vulnerable in our society are happy that one of them, an elderly lady known only as Mrs E. Windsor is having her house refurbished at tax payers expense. Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Royals

‘Moderate’ Christians everywhere urged to condemn Planned Parenthood terrorist

QueenFrancis2

“Let’s hush this up, Queenie baby!”

The myth that Christianity is a peace-loving gentle religion was shattered today after moderate Christians the world over pointedly failed to condemn extreme Christian terrorists who shamefully massacred several people in Colorado.

Instead of sending out a strong message to the faithful, Christian community leaders chose to implicitly support the Colorado massacre by their refusal to denounce it.

One Christian leader, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, head of the murky “Church of England”, claimed she was too busy ruling her people to comment, but it was “nothing to do with one”. Continue reading

Comments Off on ‘Moderate’ Christians everywhere urged to condemn Planned Parenthood terrorist

Filed under Religion, Royals, War

The Queen: More astounding facts!

"One is the Champion"

“One is the Champion”

By popular demand from Her Majesty’s subjects, we are commanded to provide a further gloved handful of facts about the Queen who is long reigning over us. These facts are just as true as the last set.

Fact! As an in-joke, the rock band Queen asked the actual Queen to sing backing vocals on one of their songs. After being smuggled into the band’s private recording studio at night, Her Majesty can be heard singing the “Are you gonna take me home tonight?” lines on “Fat Bottomed Girls“.

Fact! Prince Charles is so old that most people assume the Queen is his child, but it’s actually the other way round.

Fact! Her Majesty attributes her soft hands to her insistence that her maids always use Fairy Liquid when washing the Royal dishes. Continue reading

Comments Off on The Queen: More astounding facts!

Filed under Royals

Five amazing facts about the Queen

A rare photo of Horace Ruffage (see Fact #2)

A rare photo of Horace Ruffage (see Fact #2)

As the Queen finally passes Bobby Charlton’s long standing record, the Evening Harold is able to reveal five astounding facts about Her Majesty, all which are totally true.

Fact One: As befits a lady who is in her 90th year, Her Majesty has a terrible memory and is easily confused. Since watching The King’s Speech she has become convinced that her father was the spitting image of Colin Firth and that contemporary photos of the late King showing him looking like a cod were doctored to reflect the mood of the time. Her Royal Highness is unable to understand how her mother was able to star in the Harry Potter films. Continue reading

Comments Off on Five amazing facts about the Queen

Filed under Royals

Can she do it? Tense crowds cheer Queen on to ‘longest reign’

queen record

Officials have roped off the Queen for the final stage of her attempt.

Crowds of fans are cheering the Queen around the clock, waiting for her to lunge over the line and set the record for Britain’s longest reign.

With just days to go, the public has joined officials from the Guinness Book of Records.  Sat on a chair with a look of grim determination on her stamp-like face, the monarch’s reign is timed at regular intervals while the crowds roar her on to the finish.

“COME ON QUEEN! YOU CAN DO IT!”, yelled a group from Harold’s WI. “DON’T FORGET YOUR TABLETS! KEEP THAT HEART PUMPING! GOWAAAAN YOUR MAJESTY, NEARLY THERE!”
Continue reading

Comments Off on Can she do it? Tense crowds cheer Queen on to ‘longest reign’

Filed under Royals, Society, Sport

Stephen Fry, Robert Mugabe and The Queen among this year’s Strictly Come Dancing line up.

LONDON, UNITED KINGDOM - FEBRUARY 17:  Queen Elizabeth II meets Steven Fry during the Dramatic Arts reception at Buckingham Palace on February 17, 2014 in London, England. (Photo by David Crump - WPA Pool/Getty Images)

The Queen of England and Elizabeth Windsor

The BBC has announced the first contestants for this year’s series of Strictly Come Dancing.

Among the notable celebrities are some big name attractions including Robert Mugabe, Josef Fritzl, The Blessed Virgin Mary, new Taliban leader Mullah Akhtar Mansoor  and Les Dennis along with some more controversial choices including Jeremy Vine, a woman off Eastenders and troubled tv chef, Ainsley Harriott. Continue reading

Comments Off on Stephen Fry, Robert Mugabe and The Queen among this year’s Strictly Come Dancing line up.

Filed under Badgers, Christmas, Crime, Entertainment, idiots, Royals, Showbusiness, TV

89 year old Windsor woman faces driving ban after road rage incident

Angry woman no match for PC Flegg's tazer

Angry woman no match for PC Flegg’s tazer

An elderly Windsor woman is likely to be disqualified from driving after an incident in which she drove across a Royal Park, nearly hitting a young couple walking their baby.

The woman, who has not been named, is reported to have claimed that she mistook the young family for another couple she knew and their “latest brat” and swerved away the moment she realised her mistake.
Continue reading

Comments Off on 89 year old Windsor woman faces driving ban after road rage incident

Filed under Royals

Prince Philip forced to delete first tweet

IMG_0364.JPG
Following in the footsteps of his wife, Queen Elizabeth II, Prince Philip has sent and almost immediately deleted his first tweet.

Tweeting under the user name @Imnotracistbut, the Prince Philip dedicated his first 140 characters to insulting at least four races.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Prince Philip forced to delete first tweet

Filed under News, Royals

Astonishing! Queen tells Scots where to stuff Balmoral in accidentally released tirade

QueenThe Queen has made an astonishing attack on Scotland in a pre-recorded public broadcast only intended to be shown in the event of a ‘yes vote’ in favour of Scottish independence.

In the ten minute tirade the monarch slags off the Scots, their food, the weather and says how much she hates Balmoral Castle.

“The ungrateful people of Scotland have spoken and I am delighted that the power of the ballot box has meant that I never have to go to Scotland again,” she starts gently. “Frankly, I’ve never liked the place, the climate or the food.”

After a bitter complaint about the “god awful sound of bagpipes”, the Queen turns to her Scottish residence. Continue reading

6 Comments

Filed under Independence referendum, News, Royals

Prince Charles joins Lord Carey in backing assisted dying

20140712-054807-20887305.jpg
Prince Charles has joined former Archbishop of Canterbury Lord Carey in giving his backing legislation that will allow the family of terminally ill people to assist them in dying.

“Take my own mother” he pleaded with doctors, before explaining his position further.

Continue reading

Comments Off on Prince Charles joins Lord Carey in backing assisted dying

Filed under News, Politics, Royals

Which chess piece are you? Take our test!

chess dilemmaDo you like chess?

Do you have an affinity with a particular cheese piece?

Are you a horsey, a tall one with a nobble on top or are you one of the small ones?

Take our quiz and find out!

Continue reading

Comments Off on Which chess piece are you? Take our test!

Filed under Advertisments, Around Harold, Culture

Queen to save money and boost income by auctioning off Prince Charles

20140128-093115.jpg

Under increasing pressure to reduce costs and boost income into the royal household, the Queen and Prince Philip are rumoured to be considering auctioning off some of their assets, starting with Prince Charles.

“The idea came while the Queen was taking in her daily fix of Bargain Hunt,” her spokesman said.

Continue reading

Comments Off on Queen to save money and boost income by auctioning off Prince Charles

Filed under Economy, News, Politics, Royals

Stuntman Death Latest: Jumping Without Parachute ‘Dangerous’ Warns Expert

Forgotten anything?

A Health and Safety expert has issued a warning following the death of local stuntman, Dave Dunnit, who jumped from a helicopter without a parachute yesterday.

“Although investigations have yet to be concluded, it would appear that the cause of death was most probably jumping out of the aircraft without a parachute,” commented the HSE man. “Unless the aircraft in which you are travelling is actually about to crash, we would strongly recommend against jumping out; especially without a parachute since the belief that you can glide to earth like a bird, is at best misguided.” Continue reading

Comments Off on Stuntman Death Latest: Jumping Without Parachute ‘Dangerous’ Warns Expert

Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, News

World Athletics shock: The Queen thinks National Anthem is ‘a bit shit’

queenhits

Queen ‘may form one’s own band’ to record new anthem

Buckingham Palace confirmed today that the Queen has commissioned a new National Anthem following Mo Farah’s medal ceremony in Moscow. “Enough is enough!” she stormed as the tune’s last notes faded away in Moscow, throwing her hat across the room at the TV but hitting a sleeping Corgi instead.

“Do you know how often one’s heard that dirge?” the rant continued “At least 78,532 bloody times! Ronnie Biggs only got 30 years and then got out early, the crafty sod. But it’s over 60 years with no musical parole in sight for ER2. Doesn’t this breach one’s human-rights? We objected to the yanks playing the same thing over & over to their Guantanamo guests didn’t we? Mind you, that was Metallica.”

“One will tell you what though. If Brian May gets himself up on the Palace roof again and even thinks about playing it, Philip will definitely give him both barrels. It was all one could do to stop him last time.”
Continue reading

Comments Off on World Athletics shock: The Queen thinks National Anthem is ‘a bit shit’

Filed under Culture, Entertainment, Royals

Bank of England regrets outsourcing printing of ‘Churchill’ £5 note

No, no, no, no, no

Is this the right Churchill? No, no, no, no, no

The Bank of England has said it ‘regrets’ the decision to outsource the printing of the new £5 note to a printer in China. The note that was hailed as the one to feature the image of Churchill on the back has inadvertently become an advertisement for car insurance.

The new governor of the bank, Paul Tucker, has apologised for the error and has admitted that in hindsight allowing the Chinese printers to ‘Google’ Churchill and then use the first image the search threw up was not the best idea.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Bank of England regrets outsourcing printing of ‘Churchill’ £5 note

Filed under News