‘Trust me. We’ll soon have this torn apart.’
John Major has warned voters that a Labour/SNP coalition would ruin the country at a much higher cost than the Conservatives.
“When it comes to asset stripping and smashing glorious institutions into tiny pieces, the private sector has a lot more experience”, said Sir John.
“While we’re sure that Alex Salmond and Ed Miliband are more than capable of ruining almost anything, you have to ask yourself, ‘at what cost?’
Weather presenters in the UK have welcomed the ‘no’ vote in Scotland saying they are glad they still have the whole of the UK to cover and now won’t be forced to go part-time.
“Giving the Scotland forecast takes up 25% of our working time,” the BBC’s Tomasz Schafernaker told us.
“If an hourly two minute forecast had been reduced to a minute and a half, the subsequent pro rata pay cut would have had a devastating effect on weather people.
“It would have led to mortgage arrears and us losing our houses. High streets up and down the country would have been full of forecasters pointing aimlessly at any green wall they could find.”
Mr Schafernaker went on to say that the presenters were so energised by this result they may seek a pay rise from their employers, but conceded that may only be possible with a full on invasion of France.
‘Laugh? I almost ordered my euros.’
Alex Salmond has welcomed the referendum ‘No’ vote, which vindicates his claim that Scotland would continue to use the pound as part of a currency union.
“As I said all along, we can now continue to use the currency indefinitely”, boasted the SNP leader. “But as a sign of goodwill, I’ll allow England to share it.”
In addition to winning the crucial Sterling argument, Salmond’s Scotland will also retain the right to carry on contributing to Britain’s debt.
What’s more, the NHS will continue to be poorly run in the country, a key pledge Salmond has stood by thoughout the campaign.
Brian Sewell has had the Tardis fitted with a library.
Brian Sewell has revealed that he’s been secretly reshooting the current series of Doctor Who, so Peter Capaldi can be dropped if Scotland votes to leave the UK.
For constitutional reasons, Scottish people will not be allowed on the BBC if Scotland becomes independent. They will join the French and the Germans on an internal list of ‘undesirables’.
But the scheduling of the eighth series of Doctor Who couldn’t have been worse for the corporation – if Scotland votes yes, Capaldi will be out before episode 6 has been aired.
“Obviously we won’t have time to film a ‘regeneration’ so we wanted to find someone else who was rude, elderly and pompous”, said the BBC’s Steven Moffat. “Brian Sewell immediately came to mind, so we drugged him and dragged him to the studio.”
So good to be back in Scotland.
Aides close to Ed Miliband were rallying around the gaffe prone Labour leader after he surprisingly arrived in Cardiff to deliver his first major speech on the vote for Scottish independence.
Although officials tried to explain away the obvious error by saying that Miliband was in Cardiff to be available in the unlikely event that NATO leaders wanted to consult with him, the explanation seems to be that the Opposition leader was under the mistaken belief that Cardiff was in Scotland.
The situation wasn’t helped when upon arriving at Cardiff Airport, Miliband, wearing a specially made Kinnock clan tartan tie to show solidarity with the local population, asked where he could buy some Edinburgh rock as a souvenir. Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
Gove smiling as he holds his wand.
Michael Gove has announced that the syllabus for GCSE English will consist exclusively of novels by JK Rowling, following her recent ‘outstanding display of Britishness’.
As a result of her sizeable donation to the Scotland ‘No’ campaign, the author has been reassessed by the education secretary. Her books are now rated as ‘outstanding’, rather than ‘satisfactory’ as previously thought.
“I would endorse any author who promotes Britishness in their writing, especially if that writing is on a cheque book”, revealed Gove. “There’s a million reasons why we’ve made this decision.”
The people of Cornwall were celebrating today after finally gaining official ‘odd’ status under European rules.
Following a campaign of sustained oddness for many years, this ruling gives the Cornish the same status as other ‘odd’ communities such as the Welsh and fans of homeopathic medicine.
Chief Secretary to the Treasury Danny Alexander made the announcement during a hurried visit to the county. At a press conference in Bodmin, his eyes nervously sweeping the crowd for for first signs of trouble, he spoke of his delight and nagging anxiety:
“Cornish people have a proud history and a distinct identity. I always get a strange feeling when I cross the Tamar going on holiday to Truro. Nothing you could put your finger on really, waiters spitting on my scrambled eggs, locals pissing in my petrol tank – a bit like going to Wales but without the welcoming smiles.” Continue reading
Filed under Pagans, Politics
In what some are calling “the custody battle of the century”, Andy Murray has been awarded the Sports Personality Of The Year in an attempt to secure his full British status after Scottish independence.
“We have given him the award to recognise his amazing achievements over the last year” the British said. “And make sure we have him Monday to Friday, but we are willing to let Scotland have him at weekends and Boxing Day.”