Risky, but at least it’s not salad.
A nurse who was cured of ebola, only to contract it again on returning to Scotland, has urged Glaswegians to stop eating bush meat.
Morag McClough had been working in Sierra Leone when she first contracted the disease, where she was treating people who had been infected after eating tainted chimp meat.
But after being cured, McClough caught it again on her return to Glasgow, possibly from a very, very similar source.
“That’ll teach me to forage for native species, armed only with a blow pipe”, quipped McClough. “But in all seriousness, I only ordered a skinny capuchin without any shots, from a slightly dodgy-looking street café.”
“What? This old thing? It’s just something I happened to throw on.”
Barack Obama has rounded on ‘inhumane’ scientific quarantine procedures being used to tackle Ebola, and instead called for care in the community.
“Margaret Thatcher showed us that the people best qualified to tackle mental illness was the postman; the greengrocer; the less terrified of the neighbours”, said Obama. “And it’s just the same for people who might have Ebola.”
“Tents and respirators can be scary, whereas wondering around our cities and mass transport systems as if nothing is wrong can really calm a person down. There’s no need to be confined indoors, at least until you start bleeding from your anus.”
Obama called on Americans to be ‘neighbourly’ to those who might be feeling a little under the weather from the killer disease.
Filed under Health, Politics
Increasingly concerned at the impending threat of the Ebola virus, badger community leaders have called for the introduction of a human culling programme.
“We’re proposing an initial pilot programme,” Furry Rita told us yesterday, “by having marksmen to shoot the pilots of the planes that seem to be bringing in the virus into the country. The pilots may not have Ebola themselves, but they are obviously carriers so need to be eliminated for the good of everyone else.”
“Of course we’ve no idea how much humans spread Ebola,” continued Rita, the co-leader of the Harold Woods badger colony, “but Continue reading
Clacton’s returning officer last night
There has been a good deal of misinformation and hype about the dreadful and horrific killer Ebola plague. We try to separate the facts from the Daily Mail.
Where does it come from? The virus emanates from fruit bats in regions of Africa. At some point it seems to have crossed over to humans.
Does that mean that batty people are more likely to contract it? We believe this is possible. Symptoms include eccentricity and joining UKIP.
Will there be screening? Some limited screening is being undertaken with Tories MPs regularly checked. However, following the Clacton by-election there are fears that it may have spread to the general public. Continue reading
The UK and US have taken the lead in fighting Ebola and ISIS and arranged talks between the two to see if they fancy fighting each other.
“We just getting tired of getting involved in wars we can’t win,” foreign secretary Philip Hammond said.
“But ISIS and Ebola can’t get enough of the whole killing thing. For ISIS it’s in their blood, and as for Ebola it’s also in saliva and urine.”
“Why is everyone so healthy, dammit?” Paul Dacre
It’s a global health crisis that’s slowly but surely breaking the heart of the nation’s scaremonger-in-chief, Paul Dacre. The editor of the Daily Mail is reported to be barely a shadow of himself as day after day Ebola fails to appear in the UK. Continue reading
“I hate being perfectly healthy, I have to work so much harder for attention.”
The World Health Organisation is investigating evidence that Ebola can be spread by vague platitudes and insincere sympathy posted on Facebook.
“I updated my status to ‘Feel fluey, legs ache. Blood running from my eyes’,” one Ebola sufferer told us. “I got four comments within five minutes saying ‘Awww bless. Huggz.’ now those people have Ebola too.” Continue reading
Wives and girlfriends are on high alert as reports emerge of an outbreak of ‘man-Ebola’ in the UK. The man-Ebola virus is so debilitating that men have lain stricken on the couch for weeks on end, unable to do anything more than watch Game of Thrones and football on telly.
Embarrassed Whitehall chumps have admitted that they ordered vast quantities of software from an antivirus specialist to prevent the nation’s computer systems being destroyed by the Ebola virus, ignorant of the fact that the virus was a human infection.
Last night officials were insisting that the correct procedures had been followed whilst recognising that the antivirus software was “probably ineffective” against the killer virus currently rampaging in West Africa. Continue reading