Tag Archives: australia

God smites Australia with gorgeous weather and a beautiful country

God says further smiting will include a plague of Ashes victories and excellent wine

It’s been triumph and tragedy today for the planet’s biggest exporters of Minogues and disgusting lager as Australia gave the non-bigoted world a smile by voting for marriage equality to become law only to then be smited by God.
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“We’re the red hot, redneck USSR”: Australia gets itself written out of UN climate change report to protect tourist dollars

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“The Great Barrier Reef was bleached and lifeless when we found it, mate. Honest.”

Sunny but evil Australia has had itself purged from a UN global climate change report believing that any drop in tourism will damage the country immeasurably while climate change itself won’t because they’re immune due to being quite good at cricket and having lots of barbecues.

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Calls for Europe’s borders to be closed as Australia joins Eurovision 2016

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Sod off, Australia. Ain’t no wombats in the European Union flag.

Europe’s leaders are coming under intense pressure to close the borders now that Australia has infiltrated the Eurovision Song Contest for the second year running.

“This is beyond a joke,” said villager and seasoned Eurovision viewer Jane Hough. “When will the Eurovision powers that be realise that the majority of people don’t support their policy of letting anyone in? Australia is not compatible with Europe and especially not with the UK. They have endless sun and great sports teams, we have endless Katie Price and oh my god what happened during the rugby world cup?” Continue reading

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Australia officially takes over as global village idiots

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This quokka’s only smiling because it doesn’t know how dumb it is

Australia has officially taken over from the USA as global village idiots following a recent flurry of good ideas from Washington on things like healthcare, gay marriage and extremism. As he received the golden sheep’s bladder on a stick from Barack Obama during a ceremony in Canberra earlier today, Prime Minister Tony Abbott said that he is delighted by his country’s rise. Continue reading

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Kate steps up attempts to quash pregnancy rumours

chav kateThe Duchess of Cambridge has spent the first day of her official trip to Australia continuing to quash the rumours that she may be pregnant.

The rumours started when she was handed a baby shawl from a well wisher and when thanking them said “you may need to make another one soon, we are at it like inbreds”.

After a brief wine tasting session failed to dispel talk of pregnancy, she decided to use being in Australia as an opportunity to get absolutely rat-arsed and completely let herself go, just to prove a point. Continue reading

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Duchess of Cambridge Down Under: desperate search for photogenic disabled kids for her to hug continues

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This kid was rejected for being too damn cool

As the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge begin their tour of New Zealand and Australia the hunt for the most photogenic disabled or seriously ill children in both countries has intensified. It is a requirement of the tour that Kate is photographed hugging at least three sick or mobility impaired children a day and finding ones that fit the criteria laid down by Buckingham Palace is proving to be a tough job. Continue reading

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Prince George to continue ‘king training’ with first-class trip to New Zealand and Australia

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Kensington Palace has announced that as part of his ongoing ‘King’ training, Prince George will join the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge on a first-class, all expenses paid trip to New Zealand and Australia.

“It’s not like he had anything else to to,” a palace spokesman told us.

“At the moment he just kind of sits there in a bouncy throne, with people feeding him and wiping his arse, and generally doing not a lot. So all in all his king training is going much better than we could have expected.”

Some are seeing this as yet another example of the Royal Family modernising with the parents of a royal child actually choosing to have him around.

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Australia day to be celebrated by dropping ‘welcome those across the seas’ bit from national anthem

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Where’s your bloody visa?

The Australian government has announced that this year’s Australia Day will be commemorated by finally dropping the lines in the second verse of the national anthem which go:  “For those who’ve come across the seas, We’ve boundless plains to share”.

Prime Minister Tony Abbott announced the change at a press conference this morning, expressing his “deep concern” that the words ever got put there in the first place:

“I thought I ought to know a bit about the old anthem, being Prime Minister, and after reading through it a few times it just sort of leapt out – what the hell is this bullshit about people coming across the seas?”
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Captain Alistair Cook sets off to sea to ‘undiscover Australia’

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No-stralia: the undiscovered country.

The England Cricket Board has funded a major sea voyage, with the hope that Captain Cook can ‘undiscover Australia’.

Whittled from ash and unusually rudderless, it’s hoped the vessel can complete its voyage before sinking without trace.

Speaking from the poop deck, the dashing figure of Alistair Cook pledged that he ‘would not return until the seas below Indonesia were proved to be completely devoid of any troubling land masses’.
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Is this about the cricket? UK’s Christmas card to Australia less festive than usual

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by | December 8, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Please don’t name me either, says Australian cricket captain [EDIT: And most of England team]

Michael Clarke in typical pose, heading back to pavilion

Following a newspaper’s proposal to discourage England bowler Stuart Broad by not naming him, the Australian cricket captain Michael Clarke has made a heartfelt plea not to be named either, after a disastrous performance on day one of the Ashes.

The Brisbane Courier-Mail, after apparently being taken over by a consortium of six-year-olds, put the unusually grown-up plan on its front page yesterday. The perhaps hasty reasoning being that maverick bowler Broad thrives on aggression, and therefore could be neutralised by never speaking his name. Not for nothing is the city of Brisbane known as a centre of philosophy and logical thinking. Continue reading

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Austalia’s new PM takes casual dress politics to a new extreme

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It’s fascinating to think that probably the only laugh that man will ever get in his life is by stripping off and showing his shortcomings .

 

The caption is a quote lovingly stolen from the incomparable David Niven.

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UK tells Australia to hop it over kangaroo painting: we’ll tie it down if we have to, sports

The Kongouro from New Holland by George Stubbs

The Kongouro from New Holland by George Stubbs: obviously painted before roos evolved pockets. Wonder where it kept its change?

Two galleries separated by half the planet have launched appeals to raise funds to become the permanent owners of a George Stubbs painting of a kangaroo. The National Gallery of Australia launched their appeal citing that the work is much cherished in Australia as the first painting of a kangaroo by a Western artist and has featured on coins and engravings as a well known and important work of art.

The National Maritime Museum in Greenwich currently has the painting which is about as famous in the UK as a slightly popular teacher in a small village school and wants to keep it. An attitude summed up by Lemuel Auster an expert in wildlife paintings at the museum:

“This is Great Britain: we see, we take, we keep. Australia can jog on.” Continue reading

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English Sports scientist resurrects bails from 1882 Ashes

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Brimful of Ashes.

A sports scientist at the cutting edge of technology has revealed plans to recreate the original bails from cricket’s famous 1882 ‘Ashes’.

When the unthinkable happened 131 years ago and ‘the colonies’ won on British soil, it was announced that ‘English cricket was dead’ and the bails were ceremonially burned.But thanks to three straight wins on the trot and a burning need to rub it in to the Aussies, Derek Hampton thinks the time is right to resurrect the once exctinct sport.

“By pouring the Ashes into a 3D printer, we should be able to ‘clone’ the bails back to life”, insisted Hampton. “I’ve plugged mine in and it looks pretty straightforward, although I’ve got to be careful not to accidentally fax them.”
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Australia play Sussex team more on their level ahead of third test

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by | July 27, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Newsagent reports surge in demand for Aussie sports papers

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Ha. Haha. Hahahahahaha.

A newsagents in Harold has reported a 200-fold increase in orders for antipodean newspapers with miserable-looking sports failures on the front.

Before Thursday, Derek Evans rarely sold a copy of the Sydney Sports Echo, and Oz Cricket Monthly had been banned by the council. But following England’s success in cricket, bicycles and Wimbledon, owning such a periodical is now virtually compulsory.

“This is a good one”, said Evans, holding up a copy of the Wollagaloo Sporting Gazette. “You can see some phlegm on Watson’s face, where Clarke has been shouting ‘you have my full support’ at it.”
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Aggers urges batsmen to walk: ‘only a cur would run between stumps’

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Agnew demonstrated how ‘swallowing the ball’ was acceptable if the opponents were losing.

Respected cricket buff Jonathan Agnew has slammed England’s latest approach to the Ashes, after witnessing batsmen running between stumps to score points.

“In my day, breaking into a trot was very much frowned upon”, revealed ‘Aggers’, to audiences everywhere too tight to pay for Sky. “We know we’re better than them so there’s no need to break sweat. We should thrash them at a more sportsmenlike canter.”

With the latest developments in computers, cameras and foreign scapegoats, many had assumed that controversy had abandoned the Gentleman’s Game. But with some players still insisting on waiting for a ruling from umpires rather than a Pakistani betting syndicate, Cricket risks being tarred by the same brush that daubs the sort of chap who plays football.
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Australia’s reputation for sexual equality ‘in tatters’

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It’s all about respect

There were fears today that the excellent reputation for women’s rights built up over many years in Australia could be fatally tarnished after various unsavoury incidents, including Chris Gayle’s embarrassing flirting and Member of Parliament Peter Dutton being forced to apologise for calling a female journalist a “fucking witch”.

Over the past hundred years or so, few countries have had the excellent reputation for sexual equality enjoyed by Australia. It has always been a given that at work or leisure, sexism was quite unheard of, and females could enjoy a life of absolute equality without the faintest hint of lechery or belittlement. This ingrained culture of inclusiveness is displayed just as much towards the country’s aboriginal community, who have always enjoyed better treatment than that of any other developed nation, and are so well represented in parliament.

It is all the more shocking that a country with Australia’s unparalleled cultural heritage should be besmirched in this way, placing at risk the great intellectual legacy left by former Prime Minister Tony Abbott.

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