“How do I say I’m sorry without saying I’m sorry?”
Donald Trump has at last learned the US security agencies he’s slagged off are the very people who shield him from idiots even more deranged than his own supporters.
“Goddam! Really?” asked the orange pussy-grabber “I thought Kevin Costner and Clint Eastwood were doing it. And that other one. The big black guy who said he’d take a bullet for Kevin Kline. You remember, when Kevin was President for a few months, back in the 90s.” Continue reading
Donald Trump says he’s completely smoothed things over with China by sending them a snapchat of his dick to show how much more they mean to him than Taiwan.
“I think the pic worked” beamed the President-erect.
“The Chinese have stopped complaining about me taking a call from the President of Taiwan, I mean President ON Taiwan. And they say I don’t know how to be diplomatic? Sad!”
Despite Trump’s optimism, foreign policy experts remain on tenterhooks.
“If China so much as hints at ‘small hands’, it’s World War 3”, warned one expert.
A bunch of people who’ve never had to wonder where their next meal is coming from are continuing their protests against President-elect Donald Trump.
The angry protesters gathered in mainly affluent cities to protest against President-elect Trump’s obvious racism after he proposed measures to keep illegal immigrants from crossing the Mexican border and he also questioned the wisdom of trade deals with China. Since President-elect Trump is so obviously and definitely racist, his supporters are obviously and definitely racist too, so the protesters reasoned as they burned a few cars to prove that Love triumphs over Hate.
“Jump off a cliff? We look twice before dismounting a stone.”
After the election of Donald Trump and Brexit, the lemming community says it’s rich of humans to lecture THEM about jumping off cliffs.
Lemming spokesman Nigel said while he and his fellow rodents were only endowed with very small brains, they gave up cliff jumping decades ago.
Down the toilet
The American public has woken up with the bastard hangover from hell, and is pretty sure it did something badly wrong yesterday.
Emerging shakily from the nation’s bathrooms into a world that seems nauseatingly harsh and unfriendly, Americans are trying to shake off the nagging suspicion that something they did was really really stupid and is bound to have been noticed by other peoples.
“When I woke up, I had my face down the toilet, which I can’t help suspecting is a metaphor for something,” explained George Zip from Ohio.
“I had all the classic signs – feelings of shame, a throbbing head, shame.”
“Did I say ‘shame’? Oh God, the shame!”
“I staggered outside, and had that real strange feeling that people were looking at me funny – women, black, Hispanic people, all looking at my like I’d done some really really dumb thing.”
Aggghhhhhh. Enough already. SHUT UP!
Wearied by the spewings of a malevolent, sulky troll over the past month, the UK has rediscovered its interest in Syria and migrants drowning in the Mediterranean.
“I got emotionally dulled by pictures of children covered in blood and dust.” says Harold’s Carly Jeffery “So in October, the prospect of a 24×7 reality show about an orange sociopath with anger issues Continue reading
She’s been doing that grumpy face ever since she realised what a mistake being in Ghostbusters II was
The Mother of Exiles from whose beacon-hand glows worldwide welcome has been spotted in a Manhattan travel agents buying a one-way ticket to Paris for November 9th.
“It’s just in case,” said the Statue of Liberty. “Just in case Trump wins the keys to the White House. I’d rather go home than stay here as a landmark in a country ruled by an orange malignancy who couldn’t be more of an enemy of democracy if he beat it to death in an alley then broke into its house and shat on its cat.” Continue reading
“Guess who’s back, bitches”
Two hundred and forty years after they were told to sod off the British are to regain a former colony and take control of the United States of America on the grounds that it’s become too silly.
“One has looked at Mrs Clinton and One has looked at Mr Trump,” said Her Britannic Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, Chatelaine of Cair Paravel and Empress of the Lone Islands. “And when it comes to both of them One’s reaction is, in the words of the philosopher Will Smith, aw, hell naw!”
Trump is on the lookout for floating voters
During the third televised presidential debate, the United States’ most popular orange wig-stand, Donald Trump, has refused to commit to accept gravity.
“I have a tremendous plan to make America float again.” said Trump last night. “Crooked Hillary’s ‘universal laws’ have held this country down for far too long. Believe me, it’s gonna be so great….”
When pressed by the moderator to confirm his acceptance of gravity, Trump declined Continue reading
Gerald, in a blue period, due to the comparisons
Male octopuses say they are very respectful to females, and being linked to Donald Trump’s groping is very unfair.
Gerald the octopus says he and his friends always ask first before touching females of the species, and even then its the most gentle of caresses, not a grope.
What a tosser, though, really.
In the biggest shock yet to the 2016 Presidential race, an unidentified woman has come forward claiming not to have been ever groped or inappropriately touched by Republican candidate Donald Trump.
Masie Renfrew, 48, a dental hygienist from Brooklyn, claimed to sceptical journalists that she shared an elevator with Trump in 1986 without being molested by the bewigged octopus.
“He just sort of stood there looking at me out of the corner of his eye,” explained Renfrew. “He seemed to twitch slightly, but that could just have been the wig blowing in the air con. Then I got out, and he hadn’t done anything, I was shocked.”
“I supposed I’m lucky I was only going one floor.”
In a rare apology, Donald Trump has admitted that his notorious ‘Make America Grope Again’ slogan might be a bad idea.
Following the release of a tape showing Trump confessing to grabbing unwilling women’s genitalia, the Republican presidential candidate has realised that he may be on the verge of losing the crucial ‘anti sexual assault’ vote.
Trump’s apology was comprehensive, covering his entire adult life, and yet still managed to suggest that Hillary Clinton might be largely to blame.
He explained his position to an array of journalists nervously covering their private parts with their hands in the manner of English football players in a ‘wall’ defending a direct free kick.