The tide of history…
New US President Donald Trump has begun the process of undoing any laws he doesn’t agree with, including the Affordable Care Act, same-sex marriage and the incoming tide.
“We want to waste no time getting this proud country back to where it used to be,” explained Trump to an audience of Russian journalists.
“That basically means rolling back anything progressive that’s happened in the last few decades.”
“To illustrate this by means of a giant salty metaphor, I will this afternoon sit on the beach and command the tide not to come in.”
“For too long, ordinary Americans have been forced to watch the tide cover their proud beaches with its briny wetness, well no more. It’s going to stay out until we work out what’s going on.”
“We’re going to build a sea wall, and the ocean is going to pay for this.”
There was some scepticism that Trump would be able to deliver on his tidal manifesto, although some pointed out that if there was anyone the sea would happily avoid, it would be the new President.
As Trump headed off to the beach, his supporters chanted their new slogan: “Yes we CANUTE!”
- Hat tip to Bob Blundell for the sea wall line.
Filed under Nature, Politics
I’m going as Winston Churchill next month
The UK’s embarrassing Foreign Secretary says EU countries are delighted to be pejoratively linked to the second World War.
Having previously got away with comparing EU ambitions with those of Hitler, Boris Johnson has tried out another one by warning the French not to give the UK “punishment beatings” for Brexit “in the manner of some World War Two movie”.
“That’ll be fine.” said the entitled old Etonian, when questioned about the wisdom of such comments with EU goodwill at a premium.
“Johny foreigner love a bit of Boris Banter. Last week I walked into the EU Foreign Affairs meeting with my hands cupped over my eyes. Like this – see, goggles – humming the Dam Busters March. Continue reading
“I can’t even extort one frickin’ million dollars”
Dr Evil announced his retirement saying it’s no longer possible to make a living by threatening to take control of the world when people prefer that to Donald Trump being in charge.
“It’s frickin’ ridiculous, I finally develop a foolproof plan to take over the world and I can’t even get a ransom of ten thousand dollars let alone one million” said Dr Evil. “People just smile at me and say ‘better the Dr Evil you know’, and ask if I’ll pose for a photo with them.”
Filed under News, Politics
Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has unveiled a radical plan to solve the nation’s hospital bed crisis at a stroke – by making new beds out of piles of the recently deceased.
With most hospitals now facing mile-long queues of critically ill citizens lying in the rain, the time has come to address the chronic bed shortage once and for all. And Hunt, never a stranger to controversy, is convinced he has hit on the solution – “corpse bedding”.
“I was on holiday somewhere nice when it hit me,” Hunt explained to journalists. “Just look at it – what are we short of? Beds. What do we have lots of? Dead bodies!”
“Due to my cold-hearted policies, thousands are dying before they can get urgent treatment. Let’s turn that frown upside down and make it into an opportunity!”
Hunt explained that tests done on a bunch of dead pensioners in Birmingham showed that a pile of six or seven was usually sufficient to make a bed of suitable height. A simple wooden plank on top, and you have a bed that’s already much better than being left dying in a gutter.
“We thought we’d have some trouble with the odd fat one making the piles too big,” he admitted, “But for some reason these dead pensioners tend to be of a standard, very very thin, size. It certainly makes our job easier!”
“All in all,” Hunt confirmed, “The corpse bed thing’s an absolute no-brainer. And I should know.”
“Because I have no brain, you see.”
Filed under Health, Politics
Don’t blame me, I’m not in charge of Jack shit
The BMA has unexpectedly agreed to GP surgeries opening 84 hours a week – just as soon as MPs do the same.
“We were against it, when the PM first raised the idea.” said a BMA spokeswoman “But then we thought, sod it, if the MPs can open theirs 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, we’d go for it too. We were straight on the phone to Jeremy Hunt to let him know.”
“I say Jeremy Hunt; we heard he’d gone home for the weekend, so we left a message for him at the DoH. I say message; they were shut, so we left a voicemail. We haven’t heard back but Continue reading
Filed under Health, Politics
He’s the academic Hunt, rather than the demonic Hunt
A nation’s joy vanished today, as it emerged that it was Labour’s Tristram Hunt who had quit Westminster, not his namesake, the scourge of the NHS, Jeremy.
Up and down the country, shoppers and shopkeepers alike were wreathed in smiles and total strangers greeted one another like long-lost friends, then the gloom descended like a blanket.
“Do you remember watching Felipe Massa’s dad when he thought his son had won the title in 2008, but then found it had gone to Lewis Hamilton?” asked one villager in Harold today. “It was like that, only Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
“I’M NO XENOPHOBE BUT …”
Police say Amber Rudd’s nasty 2016 conference speech is not being treated as a crime because, “Duh. Hello? Because she’s our boss, stupid”.
“No, we’ve recorded it as a hate incident instead” said a West Midlands Police spokesperson “which means no crime investigation, and no interview under caution for our guvnor. Anything else we can help you with? Must go now as I’ve got an appointment with the Home Office to discuss Police pay and conditions.” Continue reading
Remind us, which one’s Dumber?
Boris Johnson has flown to America to star with Donald Trump in the new Dumb and Dumber movie, sources confirmed today.
The movie, titled Dumb and Dumber 4 – Trump and Trumper will tell the story of two unintelligent friends from who set out on a cross-country trip to return a briefcase full of stolen votes to their rightful owner, only to be pursued by a group of Russian hackers.
“The pair’s childish antics will have everyone in stitches, as we all marvel at how two adult human beings could be so relentlessly stupid,” said a spokesperson.
“Then they’ll start filming the movie.”
The name’s Green, Damian Green: licenced to harass
Outraged DWP assessors found that Mel Wiseman, a woman with MS, had rejected work as an internationaal assassin, despite being able to grip someone’s thumb.
“She was assessed last year as a malingerer, who might have taken any number of jobs.” said Damian Green, Secretary of State for Work and Pensions.
“Scalextric test driver, banana ripeness officer or, with her specialist Continue reading
Filed under DWP, News, Politics
Two little toys out of shot
Relieved Republican Party officials have finally persuaded a musician to perform at Donald Trump’s Presidential Inauguration – the well-loved Australian chart-topper Rolf Harris.
GOP insiders had been increasingly nervous that no top-ranking stars would agree to take part, after angry refusals from everyone who’s been on television in the last 70 years.
Absolutely everyone famous you’ve ever heard of respectfully declined their invitation to attend the ceremony, explaining that they had a sore throat, scheduling difficulties, and they thought Trump was an asshole.
Fortunately, the terms of Rolf’s open prison meant he was able to step in at short notice, ensuring Trump’s supporters would get the kind of entertainment they deserve.
It is believed that the star will be performing a set packed with favourites, including Two Little Boys, Tie me Kangaroo Down Sport, and I’m Jake the Peg (Grab them by the Pussy).
There have of course been concerns that associating with such an unpleasant character might be bad publicity, but Rolf is said to be fairly relaxed about this, provided Trump doesn’t get too close.
Now f**k off and keep your mouth shut
Chris Grayling, compared to whom even his awful predecessor Norman Tebbit seems benign, says flattening a cyclist, as videod by another cyclist, is a metaphor for his wider political beliefs.
“The most vulnerable in society always deserve special attention.” said Grayling, cracking his knuckles “So, as soon as an arsehole on a bike drew alongside my Limo in a traffic jam, whallop, I doored him. Continue reading
“Ooh, look. The Tooth Fairy!”
Emily Thornberry has followed her calls for UK cargo drone and gps-guided parachute deployment in Syria, with a plea for “the RAF’s squadrons of monkey-driven space-buggies to be used in the cause of peace”.
“We should look at all options,” she says “including impossibilities and those based on imaginary resources.” Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
It’s a telephone Paul. Just say “Hello, this is Paul.”
Morons-on-a-mission, Britain First are seemingly so useless they’ve even failed to come to the attention of Amber Rudd and get themselves banned.
The knuckle-dragging f**kwit ‘party’ has been asking for funds for some days, on the premise they were about to be banned and needed cash for their legal appeal. With Poppy Season over, Biffer Central is on the lookout for alternative scams, Continue reading
Domini Raab outside the Supreme Court. Oh, too late
Fingernails down a blackboard in human form, people’s democratic champion Dominic Raab shocked viewers this morning, by vanishing up his own a*se during a live TV interview.
Raab, who comes second only to Michael Gove as the Tory MP you’d most like to punch, was on BBC TV News this morning, wittering on about Brexit; his only interest, apart from The Life and Times of Dominic Raab.
Standing on the street outside the Supreme Court (only Pinewood’s James Bond set can now accommodate his massive head), Continue reading
Point to a racist, Paul
Lead character from a sitcom you’d have begged your parents not to let you stay up and watch, Paul Nuttall, has confronted the lies on his CV by denying that he is a politician. Continue reading
Are we related? Do you own a magazine? I could be your man
Unexpectedly back on the market, due to circumstances entirely within my control.
Have own ego, sense of entitlement, and a willingnes to travel as far as Kingston upon Thames if necessary, for the right post.
Have own dog-whistle and recent experience of high profile dog-whistling. Might suit right-wing political campaigning group, looking to increase its media coverage by employing a photogenic, eccentric, multi-millionaire, with lovely eyes but some sincererity issues.
Have experience of editing rich uncle’s magazine. So, if we’re related by birth, marriage or a close proximity on the Sunday Times rich-list, and you own a magazine, please Continue reading
Point to your right, Iain
Lack of intelligence, wrapped in a falsified CV, inside a complete absence of empathy, Iain Duncan Smith, has refuted today’s National Audit Office report which states that there is no evidence that welfare sanctions work. Continue reading
Filed under DWP, Politics
Most of them have doodles of Gove on a gallows on the cover
Another secret document has been photograhed being carried along Downing Street. “To be honest, this one’s got us stumped.” said a senior official “Short of putting papers in our pockets, we’re powerless.”
Now though, Harold inventor Dr Rachel Guest has come up with a novel solution which she hopes will be considered by Ministers.
“Desperate times, desperate measures.” says Dr Guest, who’s worked on the problem for two years. “Theresa May says it’s foolish to reveal her strategy to EU negotiators, but that approach could be undermined if any of them have a camera and know how to get to Downing Street.” Continue reading
“this chap sounds like a footballer”
Thousands of horrified UKIP members only found out today, as they listened to Paul Nuttall gave his acceptance speech, that they’d voted for a scouser.
“My god, I thought he’d be another Nigel.” said Alec Fairchild, a UKIP member and pub bore from Harold. “Well-off, private school, a commodity broker in the city. But this chap sounded like a football player; or someone in a Channel 5 documentary about benefit cheats.”
“We’d already had a filly, for a couple of weeks,” explained Fairchild, warming to his task, Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics