A Downing Street official has confirmed that the Cabinet are giddy with delight as they prepare to vote against pausing the rollout of Universal Credit which is predicted to push over a million children into poverty by 2020 and at least double homelessness. Continue reading
Category Archives: Politics
Henry Bolton has seen off the challenge of better-known racists to become UKIP leader.
He says he’ll hang on until 2018 if at all possible and if his luck’s in, dashing hopes there’d be enough leaders within 12 months to form a five-a-side charity football team.
What do we know about Henry Bolton? Born in Kenya [are you sure? check this before publishing Ed.], Bolton moved to Britain to study but quickly realised other immigrants might want to compete Continue reading
The Labour Party has voted unanimously in favour of more overhead floral growth as a peaceful and environmentally-friendly deterrent against terrorism.
Moving the motion, Shadow Home Secretary Diane Abbott left the delegates in suspense for a moment when she called for a vote to “Bring back hanging” before pausing to take a sip of water then adding “baskets”.
The idea has been welcomed by Harold psychologist Dr Freya Fairchild.
“Studies have shown that in an environment of pretty colours, sweet scent and Continue reading
As Labour continue to have an awfully big adventure in Brighton local inventors Dr Rachel Goody and Dr John Guest have announced that they’ve created the Perfect Conference Attendee.
“Through genetic mutation we’ve managed to change ordinary humans into beings that look smart, can only cheer and have five sets of hands in order to easily generate thunderous applause,” said Dr Goody.
The PCAs also possess reinforced legs as well as the stamina to give five hour standing ovations however their inventors are still tinkering.
“We won’t be finished until our PCAs have no ability to think,” said Dr Guest. “Then they’ll be ready for Ukip.”
As yet another celebrity turns to pugilism after retirement, a movement is growing for Michael Gove to take up the noble art.
“Thousands would pay to watch Michael Gove punched around a boxing ring.” said George Tredinnick a homeopath from Harold “In fact, there’s thousands who’d pay to do the punching. I know I would. And I’m a pacifist.”
With the online game ‘Slap Michael Gove’ being a runaway success, Continue reading
Despite not appearing on the news for 24 hours, Jeremy Hunt is still not dead.
“I haven’t heard anything about him for over a day now,” said Harold’s Ærndís Vigfusson, a nurse at Dunstable Royal Infirmary yesterday “so of course my hopes have begun to rise.”
Those hopes were cruelly dashed however, after it emerged that Hunt had simply been into Conservative Central Office for a service, an oil change, and a replacement NHS badge; Continue reading
Responding to critics who claim the election costs could have funded 4000 teachers, Theresa May says £140m was “chicken feed”, compared to £1.5bn handed to people less welcome on your doorstep than Jehovah’s Witnesses, Continue reading
“Women bear a moral responsibility for being women” says Jacob Rees-Mogg “and for all that goes with it. Having a vagina, uterus, womb, being attractive to rapists. That sort of thing.”
Mr Rees-Mogg opposes abortion as “morally indefensible”, even after a woman has been raped. “When a man gets raped he doesn’t run off to his doctor, Continue reading
Liam Fox says choosing the word ‘blackmail’, to warn about the EU’s Brexit approach, wasn’t informed by personal experiences of being blackmailed over something from his past he’d prefer to keep private, locked away, in a closet.
In fact, Fox believes words should be carefully used. As a former GP, he insists on being called Doctor Fox and addresses colleagues in like manner; Journalist Gove, Serial Business Failure Rudd, and Congenital Liar Johnson. Continue reading
Jeremy Hunt is baffled by a Judge’s criticism of NHS services, which included the unknown words ‘shame’ and ’embarrassment’.
“This is another example of an out of touch judiciary” said a clearly exasperated Health Secretary “using obscure words, which no one understands. I’ve asked all my colleagues and they don’t know their meaning either. Maybe he made them up, like me and NHS Continue reading
Brexiters wanting a skydiver-without-parachute EU exit have been reminded that a referendum might be the answer.
Remainer Jason Beesley from Harold says he “feels the pain” of hard Brexiters and suggests an advisory, binary, Yes/No poll might clarify what the UK public wants.
“That’s a rubbish idea.” said Continue reading
The PM says more people no longer managing highlights the success of her focus on cutting the number of JAMs.
“If you replay my first speech as Prime Minister, you’ll see that I promised to deliver to those who were just about managing.” said Mrs May today, responding to a Resolution Foundation report on the economy.
“And I have delivered. Fewer people just about managing means fewer children living in uncertainty. In their new, more certain status, they know exactly what they’re going to get Continue reading
Theresa May says she’d been shocked by the general election result, as the activists, funders, and Daily Mail journalists she’d focussed her energies upon for the previous seven weeks all promised to vote Tory.
Glowing, uncritical, daily editorials and headlines such as “Mayggy, mayggie, mayggie! In in in!”, “Boot the scrufy marxist into touch!”, and “Should evil Corbyn be tried as a traitor?” Continue reading
Facing the prospect of Brexit kicking the UK so hard it’ll be wearing its arse for a hat as Conservatives from councillors to MPs are seemingly engaged in a ‘who can blather like the most offensive bubbly-jock’ contest while Michael Gove and Boris Johnson are like just out there, you know, loose, a frantic Theresa May has opted to turn the Tories off and on again in the hope that’ll fix all their and her problems. Continue reading
As tagging scheme proves as useless as him, Chris Grayling “still certain” he must have done something right at MoJ
The f%cknugget against whom every other f%cknugget is measured, the gold standard f%cknugget Chris Grayling, is sure he did something right as Justice Minister.
“To give you a clue about his competence,” said a weary MoJ insider “when Michael Gove took over here and reversed many of Chris’ decisions, he seemed like Continue reading
Anne Marie Morris, Conservative MP for Newton Abbot, has defended her actions after being caught dressing in a gollywog costume and singing a selection of Black and White Minstrels songs at an event while talking about Brexit.
Morris was appearing on a panel to talk about Brexit alongside Tory colleagues Bill Cash and John Redwood, who were dressed as the Indian one from It Ain’t Half Hot Mum, and Tonto, respectively.
Members of the public were shocked when five minutes into the discussion Morris whipped out a banjo and began singing ‘Mammy’. “I was shocked it took her that long,” explained one guest.
A Conservative source said that Theresa May was unaware of the remarks because she had been with the Australian Prime Minister laughing at Aboriginal people. A spokesperson for the PM insisted that Morris would not be expelled from the party, explaining that “racist Tory MPs all look the same to me”.
Shortly after realising she was in trouble, Morris made an effusive apology.
“It was completely unintentional, and I apologize unreservedly for any offence caused,” she explained, adding “Where am dat water melon?”
With proposals for a Mrs Thatcher statue in Parliament Square rejected for fear of vandals, a Harold sculptor has submitted plans for a ready-vandalised version.
Sculptor Digby Burns is perhaps best known locally for his acting, having appeared in an early episode of Midsomer Murders [uncredited, man walking dog by lake] and of course, his career-defining series of TV ads for Dairylea Continue reading
Theresa May has recalled the heady days of Mrs Thatcher bashing Johnnie Foreigner whilst helpfully improving her dire poll ratings, by deploying a taskforce to deal with the aftermath of the Grenfell Tower fire.
Just like Margaret Thatcher before her, Mrs May has sent in a taskforce to sort out problems resulting from a series of piss-poor risk assessments, in the hope that the public will revise their opinion of her. Doesn’t seem likely Continue reading
Boris Johnson is the latest top Tory to feign concern for public sector staff as a screen for a leadership bid.
“Our fantastic nurses, firefighters, police, some others I can’t think of. I’ve got the notes here, somewhere.” he said, patting his pockets and acting the roguish Continue reading