Category Archives: Politics

Lib Dems will be ‘victims of apathy’ predicts Harold stoner

A typical village stoner

Pinning hopes for Lib Dem election success on the decriminalisation of marijuana may be flawed logic says a village stoner.

“Most of the time we’re too stoned to remember to put things in our diaries,” said the smoker.  “Anyway, politicians are power-crazed liars, who’ll tell you anything.”

The dope smoking community is also wary that someone is trying to pull a fast one on them.

“So, they want us to register to vote for this?  So is that like your name and address and stuff?  Yeah, thought so, and the next thing you know is someone’s knocking on your door init.  Get lost.”

Nick Clegg meanwhile has been explaining more details of the marijuana policy. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Crime, Drugs, Election 2017, Lifestyle, Politics

NHS budget data report only being delayed “because it’s awful news” says Hunt

Hunt; just before the psychiatrists and Approved Social Worker arrive

Jeremy Hunt says up to date NHS finance reports would have been published before the election, but for the fact that they show how useless he is.

“Compared to how I’m doing, my  marmalade exporting  was a fantastic success. So you can well imagine why I’m keeping this dreadful key performance report under wraps!” he added.

The government usually publishes such data promptly but it fears the sensitive nature of this information might influence the outcome of the election.

“It’s a bit like seeing the recent service history of a car you’re thinking of buying” explained the Health Secretary, as if speaking to a five-year old; think Diane Abbott but without the charm. Continue reading

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Filed under Election 2017, Health, News, Politics

School hopes new minister won’t have time to reorganise before summer break

Michael Gove? They wouldn’t, would they?

Harold head teacher, Alison Lee hopes the general election date will mean the next minister running out of time to ruin her summer holidays by buggering about with education, “but we’ll probably mysteriously lose our phone and broadband connections at the end of June. Just in case”.

Lee thinks that about the same time, St Mary’s Primary School’s post might accidentally be mislaid behind a giant hornet nest in the loft at the Post Office Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Education, News, Politics

Theresa May promises the biggest expansion of lies on workers’ rights by any Tory party

Aneurin, or as I knew him, Nyree Dawn Porter

Woman you wouldn’t trust to tell you the correct time, even if she was standing in front of Big Ben, Theresa May, says she’ll build on the proud tradition of Conservative Aneurin Bevan, who launched the NHS in the face of Labour opposition.

“We have many other lies” she insisted “but I think you’ll agree, these are pretty good”.

“Aneurin, or as I always knew him, Nyree Dawn Porter, loved nothing better than riding to hounds.” Mrs May continued.

“But Nyree set that aside when he joined the post-war Conservative government. Continue reading

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Labour counter Tories’ Strong and Stable tag with #StringandStubble

Corbyn and McDonnell show us the size of their imaginary balls of string.

The Labour media team has launched the Party’s election tag #StringandStubble in a direct hit on the Tories’ #StrongandStable.

Appearing on Channel 4 News, Chancellor-in-Waiting John McDonnell told Jon Snow that very few people had a clue what ‘Strong and Stable’ was all about.

“Perhaps it appeals to people who own a fleet of pedigree racehorses,” he said, “but the vast majority of people want something a bit less rolling hills and open countryside.”

“Labour believes that every man, woman and child has the right to own their own ball of string. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Civil rights, Economy, Election 2017, Labour, Politics, Social media

Jeremy Hunt promises NHS “more of the same medicine” if Tories win

Compared to what I’ve planned, my previous cuts are tiny

The NHS will get bigger doses of the same medicine “but only if the public choose us again” said Jeremy Hunt, adding “What hasn’t killed you is obviously not yet strong enough.”

Speaking on the Andrew Marr Show this morning, Mr Hunt said that doctors, nurses, and support staff will only deliver first rate services if their hopes and dreams are further crushed, beneath the heel of an immensely wealthy man who doesn’t have to use them himself.

“It’s no use having a Health Secretary who depends on the NHS for his own healthcare” he said “Otherwise he might be swayed by issues of self-interest, such as being seen within 4 days when he turns up at A&E with a broken jaw, an axe in his head, or a rectally inserted junior doctors’ contract.”

“Might I interest you in some slightly out of date marmalade, Andrew?”

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Filed under News, NHS, Politics

Electorate ‘just teasing’, warns Labour Leader

Having a laugh on Red Nose Day.

Jeremy Corbyn says that while he initially felt a little disappointed with the clobbering Labour took in the Local Elections, he remains totally confident that the people will be right behind him when it comes to the ‘real thing’ on 8 June.

“It’s obvious now that quite a lot of people were having a bit of a laugh on Thursday,” he said.  “There is, of course, such a thing as the rebellious ironic tactical vote.  But when, just by chance, huge chunks of the electorate have the same fun idea at the same time, the result can be a highly misleading picture of the mood of the country.  Fortunately, I can see straight through it.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Brexit, Election 2017, Entertainment, Labour, Politics, Society

Mrs May pledges buckets of chips for everyone

Mrs May negotiating a chip.

The Conservative Party has started its campaign of checking the quality of chips in every town in the country.

“I have been absolutely clear right from the start that the foundation of a strong economy is a good plate of chips,” she told the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg.

“Historically, we’ve always been a nation built on potatoes and we welcome the diversity of modern potato products, like crisps and waffles, along with the more traditional formats, such as roast potatoes and, of course, chips.  Not to mention jacket potatoes, which provide not only carbohydrates but also clothing for poor people.” Continue reading

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Filed under Brexit, Civil rights, Economy, environment, Europe, Farming, Food, Lifestyle, Politics

Threatening the other side “a good negotiating strategy” says May

Come on then, Juncker, if you think you’re hard enough

Theresa May says firing off threats and insults is the bedrock of successful negotiations and so she’ll be a “bloody difficult woman” towards Jean-Claude Juncker during Brexit talks.

Reviving a line used during her leadership campaign, when she didn’t need opponents to like her afterwards, she added “Come on then Juncker, if you think you’re hard enough!”

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Filed under Brexit, News, Politics

Police quiz Paul Nuttall over “holding feet to fire” threat

Anyone else hearing General Melchett? “Baaah”

The Met have questioned this month’s Ukip leader Paul Nuttall, after he issued threats to “hold the goverment’s feet to the fire”, during the official launch of Ukip’s election campaign.

“If enough people are stupid enough to vote for him” said Met Commissioner Cressida Dick “Mr Nuttall  threatened some form of physical violence. Taking hold of another person’s feet without consent  Continue reading

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Paul Nuttall yet to confirm where he’ll be losing in the election

Moan, moan, moan, moan. Moan, moan, moan, moan.

Although Paul Nuttall will stand in the general election, he hasn’t chosen which unlucky people will have to endure weeks of his irritating, whining fantasy, before formally telling him to sling his hook in the early hours of 9th June.

Nuttall could stand in his home town of Bootle, where he practised losing in 2005 and 2010. Oh, and 2015. Bootle is not a million miles from Anfield however, so being the ‘local boy made good racist’ might be offset by having played the popular politicians’ sport of Hillsborough bandwagon jumping rather too enthusiastically.

The Ukip leader told LBC radio “I might stand in Xenophobia, that’s in Essex isn’t it? Wherever I choose, as the leader of the party I will be, obviously, leading the party into battle, as I did with 2 Para at Goose Green”. “I don’t really like to talk about it.” he added.

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Tony Blair may face prosecution over threat to return to front line politics

He could be deployed at a press conference within 45 minutes

Tony Blair has been interviewed under caution on suspicion of causing harassment, alarm or distress to Radio 4 listeners who, over the weekend, heard him suggest he might return to front line politics.

“The Public OrderAct covers a wide range of anti-social behaviour.” said the Met’s new Commissioner, Cressida Dick. “True, the Act doesn’t actually specify what those behaviours are, however, I can’t think of anything more alarming than the threat of Blair gurning his way into our lives on radio and TV again, with his mock humility and  those weird Continue reading

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Filed under Labour, News, Politics, Tony Blair

Labour maverick doesn’t play by the rules but gets the job done: Dirty Jerry

But you’ve gotta ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya punk?

Labour’s new look Jeremy Corbyn is a steely-eyed man; he’s seen his share of trouble but takes no shit. From anyone.

In a departure from his previous gentle style, Corbyn challenged a shadow cabinet rebel today, in forthright terms. “I know what you’re thinking. ‘Did he fire six colleagues or only five?’ Well to tell you the truth in all this excitement I kinda lost track myself. But you’ve gotta ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky? Continue reading

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Politicians call on politicians to stop playing politics over politics

Everyone: “Just stop it, all of you.”

Senior politicians from all parties have demanded that politicians from other parties stop playing politics in the run up to the General Election.

At Prime Ministers question time today, Theresa May told the House that calling the election was essential as “too many Westminster MP’s had deliberately made political points about the details of Brexit”.

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Shrugging competition to decide French Election

“So?”

With the far left Melenchon running neck and neck with the far right Le Pen in the polls, France is left with only one method to choose between them.  A shrugging competition.

Points will be awarded for excessive shrugging postures accompanied by exaggerated facial expressions and nasal honking noises in a live display by the two candidates.

Melenchon is thought to have the edge when it comes to holding a shrug for an extended period, while Le Pen’s strength lies more in the broad variety of styles in her shrugging arsenal. Continue reading

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Del Boy and Rodney offer to conduct Brexit negotiations

Promising ‘no income tax, no VAT’ and touting his ability to speak most European languages, Del Boy Trotter, AKA David Jason, says he and sidekick Rodney are the men to negotiate a Brexit trade deal.

“Low tariffs, how bout no tariffs for a bonnet de douche deal?” said Jason. Britain will be the envy of this immortal curl. This time next year, we’ll all be millionaires!”
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Neil Hamilton swears hypocritic oath

Neil Hamilton is just as honest as he looks

Former Tory, liar and bankrupt, Neil Hamilton, has accused Mark Reckless of being untrustworthy, in the latest round of Abandon SinkingShip-gate.

The disgraced former MP, who left the Tories and is now UKIP leader in Wales, proving that the biggest turds float to the top, has criticised Reckless for leaving UKIP and aligning himself with the Tories.

Reckless had “betrayed the trust” of UKIP supporters said Hamilton, without a trace of irony, or even a knowing wink Continue reading

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New Pepsi ad to feature Ken Livingstone

“This reminds me of a story about Hitler”

Following widespread condemnation of its controversial new advert, Pepsi has bowed to pressure and replaced the ad with one featuring Ken Livingstone.

The cancelled ad featured Kendall Jenner at a protest, and offended many by suggesting that the problem of police brutality could be solved by attractive models waving cans of fizzy drink.

The video has been removed from YouTube and in a statement, the company said: “Pepsi was trying to project a global a message of unity, peace and understanding.”

“Clearly, we missed the mark, and that’s why we’re going to replace it with two minutes of Ken Livingstone talking about Hitler.”

“He’s going to imply that Germany’s Jews and Hitler were on the same side in the 30s, while sipping a refreshing ice-cold Pepsi Max.”

“You can’t get much more unity, peace and understanding than Ken Livingstone, and for payment all he wanted was a WWII German infantry helmet filled with newts.”

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UK Brexit negotiators to bargain ‘with actual chips’

EU citizens in the UK, British citizens living abroad, and now Gibraltar.

The list of things that are ‘not on the table’ and ‘will not be used as bargaining chips’ grows ever longer. But sources close to the government have revealed that we might end up bargaining with actual chips!

UK negotiators could bring parcels of our piping hot, newspaper-wrapped national dish and offer chips, a battered sausage, or even a bite of fishcake in exchange for “the best possible deal for the United Kingdom”.

Access to free market…fancy a chip, Angela?
Access to health services for Brits…batter scraps, Monsieur?

However, UK negotiators could snatch away the bargaining chips at the last minute and eat them all by themselves, warn sources, and the EU team would just have to lump it.
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Brexit, Food, Health, Hoildays, International News, News, Politics, referendum

Farage: “We’d have been bigger arseholes without Carswell.” A puzzled Nation scratches its head

“Bigger arseholes? How would that have worked then?”

Nigel Farage, has set the UK a tough puzzle; “How could UKIP possibly have been bigger arseholes over the past few years?”

In the wake of Farage’s claim that UKIP could have been more anti-immigrant, but for the spoilsport Douglas Carswell, the Nation has expelled a massive “WTF?” “I’m a dab hand at crosswords and killer sudoku and once got two questions right on Brain of Britain,” said Continue reading

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