Come on, we’d all pay to see that
As yet another celebrity turns to pugilism after retirement, a movement is growing for Michael Gove to take up the noble art.
“Thousands would pay to watch Michael Gove punched around a boxing ring.” said George Tredinnick a homeopath from Harold “In fact, there’s thousands who’d pay to do the punching. I know I would. And I’m a pacifist.”
With the online game ‘Slap Michael Gove’ being a runaway success, Continue reading
He’d just gone in for a service, oil change and replacement NHS badge
Despite not appearing on the news for 24 hours, Jeremy Hunt is still not dead.
“I haven’t heard anything about him for over a day now,” said Harold’s Ærndís Vigfusson, a nurse at Dunstable Royal Infirmary yesterday “so of course my hopes have begun to rise.”
Those hopes were cruelly dashed however, after it emerged that Hunt had simply been into Conservative Central Office for a service, an oil change, and a replacement NHS badge; Continue reading
Filed under News, NHS, Politics
20,000 homes or another period in office? Tough call
Responding to critics who claim the election costs could have funded 4000 teachers, Theresa May says £140m was “chicken feed”, compared to £1.5bn handed to people less welcome on your doorstep than Jehovah’s Witnesses, Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
Jacob Rees-Mogg likes to have a firm grip on the pulse of the nation
“Women bear a moral responsibility for being women” says Jacob Rees-Mogg “and for all that goes with it. Having a vagina, uterus, womb, being attractive to rapists. That sort of thing.”
Mr Rees-Mogg opposes abortion as “morally indefensible”, even after a woman has been raped. “When a man gets raped he doesn’t run off to his doctor, Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
“Does my head look big in this studio? And it’s Doctor Fox to you, you BBC bastards.”
Liam Fox says choosing the word ‘blackmail’, to warn about the EU’s Brexit approach, wasn’t informed by personal experiences of being blackmailed over something from his past he’d prefer to keep private, locked away, in a closet.
In fact, Fox believes words should be carefully used. As a former GP, he insists on being called Doctor Fox and addresses colleagues in like manner; Journalist Gove, Serial Business Failure Rudd, and Congenital Liar Johnson. Continue reading
“Shame? Nope, I’ve got no idea.”
Jeremy Hunt is baffled by a Judge’s criticism of NHS services, which included the unknown words ‘shame’ and ’embarrassment’.
“This is another example of an out of touch judiciary” said a clearly exasperated Health Secretary “using obscure words, which no one understands. I’ve asked all my colleagues and they don’t know their meaning either. Maybe he made them up, like me and NHS Continue reading
Look, the answer is as plain as this £350m gold brick I’m holding
Brexiters wanting a skydiver-without-parachute EU exit have been reminded that a referendum might be the answer.
Remainer Jason Beesley from Harold says he “feels the pain” of hard Brexiters and suggests an advisory, binary, Yes/No poll might clarify what the UK public wants.
“That’s a rubbish idea.” said Continue reading
almost as if they don’t understand what’s really going on
The PM says more people no longer managing highlights the success of her focus on cutting the number of JAMs.
“If you replay my first speech as Prime Minister, you’ll see that I promised to deliver to those who were just about managing.” said Mrs May today, responding to a Resolution Foundation report on the economy.
“And I have delivered. Fewer people just about managing means fewer children living in uncertainty. In their new, more certain status, they know exactly what they’re going to get Continue reading
As Mrs May prepares to emote, an aide slices an onion, just off-camera
Theresa May says she’d been shocked by the general election result, as the activists, funders, and Daily Mail journalists she’d focussed her energies upon for the previous seven weeks all promised to vote Tory.
Glowing, uncritical, daily editorials and headlines such as “Mayggy, mayggie, mayggie! In in in!”, “Boot the scrufy marxist into touch!”, and “Should evil Corbyn be tried as a traitor?” Continue reading
Strong and stable or don’t you think she looks tired?
Facing the prospect of Brexit kicking the UK so hard it’ll be wearing its arse for a hat as Conservatives from councillors to MPs are seemingly engaged in a ‘who can blather like the most offensive bubbly-jock’ contest while Michael Gove and Boris Johnson are like just out there, you know, loose, a frantic Theresa May has opted to turn the Tories off and on again in the hope that’ll fix all their and her problems. Continue reading
insists not every single bloody decision he made was a complete disaster.
The f%cknugget against whom every other f%cknugget is measured, the gold standard f%cknugget Chris Grayling, is sure he did something right as Justice Minister.
“To give you a clue about his competence,” said a weary MoJ insider “when Michael Gove took over here and reversed many of Chris’ decisions, he seemed like Continue reading
Heartstrings apparently tangled around Alabammy
Anne Marie Morris, Conservative MP for Newton Abbot, has defended her actions after being caught dressing in a gollywog costume and singing a selection of Black and White Minstrels songs at an event while talking about Brexit.
Morris was appearing on a panel to talk about Brexit alongside Tory colleagues Bill Cash and John Redwood, who were dressed as the Indian one from It Ain’t Half Hot Mum, and Tonto, respectively.
Members of the public were shocked when five minutes into the discussion Morris whipped out a banjo and began singing ‘Mammy’. “I was shocked it took her that long,” explained one guest.
A Conservative source said that Theresa May was unaware of the remarks because she had been with the Australian Prime Minister laughing at Aboriginal people. A spokesperson for the PM insisted that Morris would not be expelled from the party, explaining that “racist Tory MPs all look the same to me”.
Shortly after realising she was in trouble, Morris made an effusive apology.
“It was completely unintentional, and I apologize unreservedly for any offence caused,” she explained, adding “Where am dat water melon?”
Filed under News, Politics
This may be more lifelike than the original
With proposals for a Mrs Thatcher statue in Parliament Square rejected for fear of vandals, a Harold sculptor has submitted plans for a ready-vandalised version.
Sculptor Digby Burns is perhaps best known locally for his acting, having appeared in an early episode of Midsomer Murders [uncredited, man walking dog by lake] and of course, his career-defining series of TV ads for Dairylea Continue reading
“I knew Jack Kennedy. Senator, you’re no Jack Kennedy.”
Theresa May has recalled the heady days of Mrs Thatcher bashing Johnnie Foreigner whilst helpfully improving her dire poll ratings, by deploying a taskforce to deal with the aftermath of the Grenfell Tower fire.
Just like Margaret Thatcher before her, Mrs May has sent in a taskforce to sort out problems resulting from a series of piss-poor risk assessments, in the hope that the public will revise their opinion of her. Doesn’t seem likely Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
“Stab her in the front or the back? Today or tomorrow?” Boris weighs up his options
Boris Johnson is the latest top Tory to feign concern for public sector staff as a screen for a leadership bid.
“Our fantastic nurses, firefighters, police, some others I can’t think of. I’ve got the notes here, somewhere.” he said, patting his pockets and acting the roguish Continue reading
“Watch out for that massive tub of beer, Michael!”
Michael Gove is said to be “serious but stable” in hospital, after being dusted with salt in a pub garden accident.
“A customer was adding salt to their chips, when the lid of the salt cellar suddenly came off and a cloud of salt flew across the table.” explained Eddie Grudgingly, landlord of the Squirrel Lickers Arms in Harold.
“No one else was affected but with Mr Gove it was really weird. His body became really shiny, then he began to froth at the mouth Continue reading
PM’s inspiring speech to dozens of plaster figurines, simply ignored by BBC
In a clear display of media bias, the BBC fawned over Jeremy Corbyn’s ramblings to a mere hundred thousand hippies at an obscure “music festival” but ignored Theresa May’s inspiring message to dozens of plaster figurines at a well-known model village.
Plaster villagers holding cute little Vote Conservative posters, stood in silence, as if transfixed, while the PM reprised her finest speeches Continue reading
Duncan Smith, before causing real misery was somehow “a bad thing”
Iain Duncan Smith has reacted with fury to the High Court ruling that his benefit cap causes ‘real misery for no good purpose’. “Real misery is the whole purpose of the cap!” cried the Dr Mengele of modern Conservatism, the man who said he could live on £53 a week then, without irony, billed us lot for a £39 breakfast.
“That’s the trouble with Judges, they don’t live in the real world. They may not even read the Daily Mai Continue reading
“The bloody woman still has my crown”
The Queen will not wear ceremonial robes in Parliament today, partly because she’s going on to Ascott later but mainly because Mrs May hasn’t returned them.
The PM apparently borrowed them to rehearse her own “promise to work with humility and resolve” speech in front of her bathroom mirror and refuses to hand them back.
“Her Majesty has always appreciated haute couture,” said a Downing Street spokeman “sorry, did I say Her Majesty? I meant the Prime Minister.” Continue reading