Category Archives: Politics

May welcomes reduction in JAMs & increase in No Longer Managings

almost as if they don’t understand what’s really going on

The PM says more people no longer managing highlights the success of her focus on cutting the number of JAMs.

“If you replay my first speech as Prime Minister, you’ll see that I promised to deliver to those who were just about managing.” said Mrs May today, responding to a Resolution Foundation report on the economy.

“And I have delivered. Fewer people just about managing means fewer children living in uncertainty. In their new, more certain status, they know exactly what they’re going to get Continue reading

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May shocked by GE result. “Activists I spoke to all promised to vote Tory”

As Mrs May prepares to emote, an aide slices an onion, just off-camera

Theresa May says she’d been shocked by the general election result, as the activists, funders, and Daily Mail journalists she’d focussed her energies upon for the previous seven weeks all promised to vote Tory.

Glowing, uncritical, daily editorials and headlines such as “Mayggy, mayggie, mayggie! In in in!”, “Boot the scrufy marxist into touch!”, and “Should evil Corbyn be tried as a traitor?” Continue reading

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Desperate PM to try turning Tories off and on again

Strong and stable or don’t you think she looks tired?

Facing the prospect of Brexit kicking the UK so hard it’ll be wearing its arse for a hat as Conservatives from councillors to MPs are seemingly engaged in a ‘who can blather like the most offensive bubbly-jock’ contest while Michael Gove and Boris Johnson are like just out there, you know, loose, a frantic Theresa May has opted to turn the Tories off and on again in the hope that’ll fix all their and her problems. Continue reading

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As tagging scheme proves as useless as him, Chris Grayling “still certain” he must have done something right at MoJ

insists not every single bloody decision he made was a complete disaster.

The f%cknugget against whom every other f%cknugget is measured, the gold standard f%cknugget Chris Grayling, is sure he did something right as Justice Minister.


“To give you a clue about his competence,” said a weary MoJ insider “when Michael Gove took over here and reversed many of Chris’ decisions, he seemed like Continue reading

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Tory MP defends dressing up in gollywog costume and singing ‘Mammy’ at public event

Heartstrings apparently tangled around Alabammy

Anne Marie Morris, Conservative MP for Newton Abbot, has defended her actions after being caught dressing in a gollywog costume and singing a selection of Black and White Minstrels songs at an event while talking about Brexit.

Morris was appearing on a panel to talk about Brexit alongside Tory colleagues Bill Cash and John Redwood, who were dressed as the Indian one from It Ain’t Half Hot Mum, and Tonto, respectively.

Members of the public were shocked when five minutes into the discussion Morris whipped out a banjo and began singing ‘Mammy’. “I was shocked it took her that long,” explained one guest.

A Conservative source said that Theresa May was unaware of the remarks because she had been with the Australian Prime Minister laughing at Aboriginal people. A spokesperson for the PM insisted that Morris would not be expelled from the party, explaining that “racist Tory MPs all look the same to me”.

Shortly after realising she was in trouble, Morris made an effusive apology.

“It was completely unintentional, and I apologize unreservedly for any offence caused,” she explained, adding “Where am dat water melon?”

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New statue of Margaret Thatcher to have wider appeal, by being pre-vandalised

This may be more lifelike than the original

With proposals for a Mrs Thatcher statue in Parliament Square rejected for fear of vandals, a Harold sculptor has submitted plans for a ready-vandalised version.

Sculptor Digby Burns is perhaps best known locally for his acting, having appeared in an early episode of Midsomer Murders [uncredited, man walking dog by lake] and of course, his career-defining series of TV ads for Dairylea Continue reading

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Hoping for “a spirit of the Falklands” ratings boost, May sends in taskforce

“I knew Jack Kennedy. Senator, you’re no Jack Kennedy.”

Theresa May has recalled the heady days of Mrs Thatcher bashing Johnnie Foreigner whilst helpfully improving her dire poll ratings, by deploying a taskforce to deal with the aftermath of the Grenfell Tower fire.

Just like Margaret Thatcher before her, Mrs May has sent in a taskforce to sort out problems resulting from a series of piss-poor risk assessments, in the hope that the public will revise their opinion of her. Doesn’t seem likely Continue reading

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Boris Johnson favours raising cap on saying anything to get himself made PM

“Stab her in the front or the back? Today or tomorrow?” Boris weighs up his options

Boris Johnson is the latest top Tory to feign concern for public sector staff as a screen for a leadership bid.

“Our fantastic nurses, firefighters, police, some others I can’t think of. I’ve got the notes here, somewhere.” he said, patting his pockets and acting the roguish Continue reading

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Michael Gove rushed into A&E after being accidentally sprinkled with salt

“Watch out for that massive tub of beer, Michael!”

Michael Gove is said to be “serious but stable” in hospital, after being dusted with salt in a pub garden accident.

“A customer was adding salt to their chips, when the lid of the salt cellar suddenly came off and a cloud of salt flew across the table.” explained Eddie Grudgingly, landlord of the Squirrel Lickers Arms in Harold.

“No one else was affected but with Mr Gove it was really weird. His body became really shiny, then he began to froth at the mouth Continue reading

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Left-leaning BBC reports Corbyn’s speech at Glastonbury but ignores Mrs May’s at Bekonscot model village

PM’s inspiring speech to dozens of plaster figurines, simply ignored by BBC

In a clear display of media bias, the BBC fawned over Jeremy Corbyn’s ramblings to a mere hundred thousand hippies at an obscure “music festival” but ignored Theresa May’s inspiring message to dozens of plaster figurines at a well-known model village.

Plaster villagers holding cute little Vote Conservative posters, stood in silence, as if transfixed, while the PM reprised her finest speeches Continue reading

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Exasperated IDS: “causing real misery is why I created the benefit cap!”

Duncan Smith, before causing real misery was somehow “a bad thing”

Iain Duncan Smith has reacted with fury to the High Court ruling that his benefit cap causes ‘real misery for no good purpose’. “Real misery is the whole purpose of the cap!” cried the Dr Mengele of modern Conservatism, the man who said he could live on £53 a week then, without irony, billed us lot for a £39 breakfast.

“That’s the trouble with Judges, they don’t live in the real world. They may not even read the Daily Mai Continue reading

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Queen abandons royal robes for Queen’s speech, after humble PM borrows them

“The bloody woman still has my crown”

The Queen will not wear ceremonial robes in Parliament today, partly because she’s going on to Ascott later but mainly because Mrs May hasn’t returned them.

The PM apparently borrowed them to rehearse her own “promise to work with humility and resolve” speech in front of her bathroom mirror and refuses to hand them back.

“Her Majesty has always appreciated haute couture,” said a Downing Street spokeman “sorry, did I say Her Majesty? I meant the Prime Minister.” Continue reading

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Ukip MEP slams lax EU finance controls that let him ‘misuse’ £100K

Roger Helmer MEP, working flat out for you

“This is typical EU sloppiness.” claimed Ukip’s Roger Helmer who has resigned as an MEP, ahead of demands he repay £100K spent illicitly employing a Ukip party worker, in breach of the rules.

“Even a banana republic wouldn’t let me misuse that much money” Helmer said, with passion “The public deserves better and happily, with Brexit, such brazen scandals will soon be a thing of the past”adding Continue reading

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May blames Larry the Cat for election fiasco – puts him in a bin

Theresa May has chucked Larry the Cat in a bin saying it was his incessant meowing that persuaded her to call an early election.

“Every day at 8am and 6pm Larry would come up to me and meow and meow. He was obviously obsessed with the idea I should call an early election” said May.

“I gave him the brush-off saying ‘Larry I can’t do it – I’ve promised the British public 7 times I won’t call an early election’ but Larry just wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer” explained the PM.
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May “sanctioned” over missing Queen’s speech

Her Majesty and Mrs May in happier times

Theresa May’s benefits have been suspended, after she cancelled an appointment with the Queen at Westminster.

“Her Majesty doesn’t take such decisions lightly” said a palace spokesman “but the discipline of attending for work is important, especially for someone who’s left their job for no good reason.”

The PM walked out of her last job eight weeks ago “With no guaranteed job to go to, this was extremely reckless and she can’t expect to just carry on being paid as if nothing Continue reading

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Fears grow for tragic PM unable to say anything other than meaningless three word phrases

Don’t you think she looks tired?

Concerned well-wishers are gathering outside the gates of Downing Street this morning as the Prime Minister continues to sound off like a senile Furby. Continue reading

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PM sacks advisers: “those to blame must pay”

It can’t just be them. Was it you?

Mrs May has punished those to blame for the election debacle, by sacking the people she chose as her advisers.

“Nick and Fiona looked nice but behaved like thugs, which was a perfect fit for me, but they got it all wrong. What I need to know is, who advised me to hire them? Continue reading

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PM vows to reverse Police cuts of David Cameron’s “dreadful” Home Secretary

Does anyone know who this dreadful Home Secretary was?

Theresa May says although the current Home Secretary Amber Rudd is doing a fine job, David Cameron’s choice was “dreadful, a disaster who missed every major target for over seven years”.

Mrs May vowed to reverse the un-named woman’s worst decisions, starting with the huge cuts in Police funding.

“Clearly, she wasn’t up to it. The instant she moved on, Amber, an altogether more capable woman, got the job.”

It’s not only security failures says May, who accused the last two governments of “being asleep at the wheel” Continue reading

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Smug Tories calling an early election and losing could exhaust world’s schadenfreude supply

The world will probably run out of schadenfreude if the smug Tory ploy of calling an early election backfires and they lose, experts warn.

“As the polls tighten, we’ve raised our schadenfreude alert to ‘critical'” said a Westminster source. “The smiles getting wiped off the faces of Theresa May, Boris Johnson, and the rest of the Tories will be a serious test of our schadenfreude reserves, as will joy in the implosion of the Daily Mail.”

“But it’s the sheer unadulterated pleasure of seeing Tony Blair’s sad face as Jeremy Corbyn becomes PM that means we won’t just run out of schadenfreude, we’ll likely run out of schadenorgasm as well.”
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Lib Dems will be ‘victims of apathy’ predicts Harold stoner

A typical village stoner

Pinning hopes for Lib Dem election success on the decriminalisation of marijuana may be flawed logic says a village stoner.

“Most of the time we’re too stoned to remember to put things in our diaries,” said the smoker.  “Anyway, politicians are power-crazed liars, who’ll tell you anything.”

The dope smoking community is also wary that someone is trying to pull a fast one on them.

“So, they want us to register to vote for this?  So is that like your name and address and stuff?  Yeah, thought so, and the next thing you know is someone’s knocking on your door init.  Get lost.”

Nick Clegg meanwhile has been explaining more details of the marijuana policy. Continue reading

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