Category Archives: Politics

Sajid Javid won ‘at least five votes’ from letting Shamima Begum’s baby die

Home secretary Sajid Javid, has been congratulated for convincing ‘at least five’ people to vote Conservative after his decision to revoke the British citizenship of Shamima Begum, whose baby son has died in a Syrian refugee camp.

“Shamima’s baby, who was British, was allowed to die purely to satisfy the animal rage of people who wanted to glory in saying ‘I told you so’ to a girl who was groomed at age 15′, explained a Home Office spokesperson, “And we think that’s great.”

Clear-thinking commentators from a range of newspapers owned by foreign billionaires were unanimous that Javid’s neglect of a British baby was a master-stroke.

“The thing you have to remember,” drawled Reginald Bastard from the Daily Monster, “is that month-old babies tend not to vote, and the same thing can probably be said for 15-year-old groomed schoolgirls.”

“Our readers, on the other hand, are voters one and all, and getting them onside with a touch of sickening populism is a pretty smart move.”

“We reckon they’ve probably won a good half a dozen voters here, which is probably more than they’ve got in the last two years.”

Javid’s next move was unclear at time of going to press, but unconfirmed reports claimed he has been sighted high up at the crater of an active volcano, poised to throw a refugee child into the bubbling lava below and screaming at all the Gods to bring improved poll results to his Bromsgrove constituency.

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Filed under Children, Politics, War

Man who threw egg, milk and flour charged with battering Jeremy Corbyn

A man who threw egg, milk and flour at the Leader of the Opposition has been charged with battering, because eggs, milk and flour make batter, it emerged today.

Look – we’re not proud. It’s pancake day, someone just recently threw an egg at Jeremy Corbyn, and we couldn’t resist it.

Let’s just move on and pretend this never happened, OK? Good. Thanks.

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Filed under News, Politics, Puns

Lib Dems’ invitation to join Independent Group lost in post

Is it still this one?
The Lib Dem party have confirmed that they are yet to receive an invitation to join the new “Independent Group” of MPs, but are not concerned as these kind of things often get lost in the post.

Many commentators have noticed that the mission of the newly-formed Independent Group is to be a centrist anti-Brexit party – a mission not entirely un-identical to that of the Liberal Democrats themselves.

“It’s only a matter of time,” insisted the Lib Dem leader, whose name we are quite frankly too lazy to Google. “They’re probably shy, being a new party and all, with us being so historic and respected.”

“There’s no question that they are deliberately excluding us from the most significant political movement in years, which happens to be exactly what we stand for too, just in case anyone has forgotten.”

“Or it’s just in the post. Yes, that’s what it’ll be. Has the postman been yet? Oh.”

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Filed under Brexit, News, Politics

No Deal stuck to the table with superglue confounds Downing Street cleaner

A beautiful antique table at the centre of a parliamentary row remained unpolished today after a Downing Street cleaner found a huge No Deal tome had been super-glued to it.

“No wonder she can’t take it off the table,” said domestic Rosa dela Marguerita, “I’ve tried everything, nothing will shift it.”

The No Deal is a far heftier work than The Deal, running to over 4000 blank pages.

“It’s lucky Jeremy didn’t fall for her invitation to talks,” said Diane Abbott.

“It’s obvious now she had this prank set up ready to tell him: Okay, there’s the No Deal, now let’s see you take it off the table. Then she’d do that laughing with her shoulders thing.”

A group of Oxford philosophers were relieved to learn that No Deal was an actual thing.

“We’ve been puzzling for ages over how something that was not a thing got put on the table in the first place. We made the mistake of thinking it was like No Cruet Set.”

[image credit:]
Frame photo created by jannoon028 – www.freepik.com

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Filed under Brexit, Philosophy, Politics

HM Queen ‘to take back control of Parliament’

Taking back control of the steering wheel.
A new poll has revealed that most people would back HM Queen to have the final say on Brexit.

“It seems obvious that when we’re talking Sovereignty, the Monarch should be the final arbiter,” said landlord Eddie on behalf of Harold’s informal polling group IMHO.

The group meets regularly to discuss global issues while drinking alcohol. At last night’s meeting in the Squirrel Lickers Arms, chaired by landlord Eddie Grudgingly, IMHO voted overwhelmingly to back a motion in support of a Royal Prerogative on Brexit.

“After all, there’s a fair bit of German in her blood and the Duke’s quite Greek,” said Eddie, “so they have a better understanding of Europe than far-right loudmouths  in parts of Lincolnshire and the Tory Party.”

It was decided that a People’s Vote would be a waste of time, because everyone’s changed their minds, so the result would be the same as last time.

The group also supported a motion of praise for Prince Philip’s ability to survive an actual car crash much better than the Prime Minister fared in her metaphorical one.

“And the Duke,” said Eddie, winding up the debate, “is now single-handedly saving hundreds of jobs at Jaguar Land Rover with his recent order for a weekly fleet of new cars. He’s doing more for the British motor industry than Greg Clark and that’s a fact.”

As the meeting adjourned, members of the political focus group thanked Eddie for another well-organised piss-up in his pub, which everyone agreed was a rare talent these days.

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Filed under Around Harold, Brexit, Business, Europe, Greek bail-out, Politics, Royals

UKIP unveil new logo

ukip logo

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Filed under idiots, Politics

David Cameron: hut dwelling former PM thinks he’s really a shepherd

Yes, this is how shepherds dress #FACT

Ruddy-faced abyss too drunk on its own sense of entitlement to gaze into thee, David Cameron, now believes he’s a shepherd having spent £50,000 on two shepherd’s huts in which to sit and write his memoirs, the least desired book in Britain since Katie Hopkins’ guide to aquatic fun, esoteric Islam and refugees Surfy, Sufi, Swarmy.  Continue reading

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Filed under Politics

Corbyn reflects on Labour’s anti-semitism row: ‘I think I’ve handled it rather well.’

“Hmmm. Do you know? I think I’ve handled it rather well”

Jeremy Corbyn has used the Westminster summer break to assess how he’s handled allegations of Labour party antisemitism. “I asked Shami, who said ‘You’ve done very well, Jeremy’. She’s studied the subject so, good enough for me.”

“We’re not complacent, even though it took five years to deal with Ken Livingstone but only five hours to put the skids under Margaret Hodge. So we’re making progress. Did I say ‘making progress’? I meant Continue reading

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Filed under Labour, News, Politics

Boris’ popularity in opinion polls is the ‘final proof’ of UK’s stupidity

Holding his head to stop it exploding

With a YouGov poll showing Boris Johnson as favourite to lead the Tories, people who can count to 20 without using their fingers and toes have concluded the UK couldn’t pass the 11+.

“I love Boris” said a shopper in Dunstable “he tells it how it is. OK, not ‘how it is’, maybe how it should be. If the moon was made of cheese and you could ride there on a unicorn. Which is definitely what Boris would do if he was PM. Maybe he could be the next monarch, he’d make a great King. As a chubby adulterer, Continue reading

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Filed under News, Politics

Grylls appointed as Minister for Survival

“Not how I remember the wheat fields”

As members of her cabinet withdraw to pursue new opportunities and sharpen their knives, Theresa May has drafted in ex SAS tough guy Bear Grylls to help her survive.

“Bear has unparalleled experience in self-rescue, protection and combat. His knowledge of inhospitable terrain, and his ability to stomach lugworms is going to be essential as the Brexit negotiations enter this openly aggressive stage” said a Downing Street source. “The Prime Minister believes she can hold out for a good few months at Number Ten with Bear by her side.”

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Filed under breaking news, Brexit, EU referendum, Politics

Frying pan or Fire? Cabinet split over which plan to let the EU reject

Hmm… Frying pan or Fire? They both seem so attractive

Theresa May’s Cabinet remains divided over which plan it will put forward to be rejected by the EU’s negotiating team, five minutes after they receive it.

David Davis, who still needs help with his shoe laces, is in favour of the Frying Pan option, arguing this will allow the country more time to arrange a smooth transition to the Fire, sometime after Brexit Day, 29th March 2019.

In contrast, Liam Fox, whose only business experience is negotiating cheap hotel deals for his best friend, is said to favour going straight into the Fire. “Then we can sell the Frying Pan on eBay to finance the NHS. I’ve never mentioned it before but I used to be a doctor Continue reading

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Filed under Brexit, News, Politics

‘You can still lie down in front of the bulldozers’ the UK tells Boris

The tiresome wanker is expected to ruffle his hair when challenged

Although Boris Johnson will miss today’s Commons third Heathrow runway vote, hoping to swerve his promise to lie in front of the bulldozers, the UK has told him as the work won’t start yet he can do the right thing when he gets home.

An online petition for him to do so was signed by over 250,000 people within three hours of being launched. “I’ll give him a lift to Heathrow day or night, I’ve even got a groundsheet for him to lie on.” said Carly Jeffrey, a teaching assistant from Harold who started the petition. “Though lying is something he’s rather good at, anytime, anywhere. Of course he’ll have to sit in the back.” she added “Not behind me. Continue reading

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Filed under Politics, Transport

Amber Rudd’s resigns to spend more time on her apologising

Happier times. Rudd actually holding on to her brief

Amber Rudd has resigned to focus on apologising for her performance as Home Secretary.

“Being Home Secretary and apologising for being useless at it are both full time roles.” said Rudd last night “I chose the apologising one, although to be honest I’m not very good at that, either. Sorry.”

Rudd hopes Continue reading

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Filed under News, Politics

Amber Rudd explains her cock-ups ‘I’ve no idea what I’m doing’

Not a clue “Hope that helps.”

Mobile catastrophe Amber Rudd says the reason her ministry is such a mess is that she hasn’t got a clue how it works. “Hope that helps.” she told the House of Commons this morning.

Ms Rudd was addressing the House in order to correct an impression she may have inadvertently given a select committee yesterday i.e. that she’s on top of her ministerial brief.

“After watching TV coverage of my evidence to the committee last night, I had a bit of a panic Continue reading

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Filed under News, Politics

May ‘within her rights to do a poo on Corbyn’s head’

“This long”

Mrs May told parliament today she is perfectly within her rights to take a dump on Jeremy Corbyn’s head in the interests of protecting the nation.

“I have a much better speaking voice than the Leader of the Opposition,” she told the Commons, “and I’m far more mature than him, even though he’s a bit older than me. Not only that, but I’m Prime Minister, which he is not, so I can do what I like, including doing a poo-poo on his head if I choose.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Chilcot Report, Civil rights, Defence, Farming, Lifestyle, Politics

After years of missed NHS standards, Jeremy Hunt is referred to parliamentary standards commissioner for not filling in a form

I’m a liar. I know it, you know it, you know that I know it. Fuck only knows how I get away with it, it’s a mystery.

Serial bungler Jeremy Hunt is finally being called to account by parliament. For his form-filling skills though, oddly enough.

Not for crashing the NHS into a wall, then backing up a hundred yards and having another go, then backing up a hundred yards and – well you probably get the picture.

“Compared to the ongoing NHS car-crash, even his marmalade work was brilliant. And that was a fucking disaster.” said a philosophical Harold woman, unlucky enough to have fallen seriously ill in March, who is still in the waiting room at Dunstable Royal Infirmary.

“I’ve bought a raffle ticket for a trolley berth and hope to get a corridor spot by the summer. Fingers crossed!”

“It’s good to know that Mr Hunt’s form-filling is coming under scrutiny though. It’s important that politicians know they can’t get away with being incompetent liars.”

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Filed under News, NHS, Politics

Owen Smith sacked for having idea that makes Labour electable

Owen Smith: if he was serious about Brexit he’d have something written on the side of a bus

Jeremy Corbyn last night sacked Owen Smith from the Shadow Cabinet for suggesting an idea that could win Labour votes.

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Filed under Politics

Kippers throw Farage into the Thames

Following Nigel Farage’s protest about the UK government giving in to the EU by throwing fish into the Thames, the oily specimen found himself in the same boat when a dozen kippers rounded on him and dumped him in the choppy waters.

“He’s always banging on about self-determination,” said a spokesfish for the North Sea inhabitants, “but nobody’s bothered to ask us for our views.”

Totally wet and spineless, Nigel Farage is famous for having attended only one of over forty EU Fisheries Committee meetings as an MEP. Continue reading

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Filed under Brexit, environment, Europe, Politics

Boris Johnson to be swapped for Russian doll in tit-for-tat exchange

Put in.

With tensions rising between Westminster and the Kremlin, the UK government is planning to send the Foreign Secretary to Russia.

Kremlin officials say they will respond robustly and send a Russian doll to sit on Mrs May’s desk.

Amid fears that the hollow wooden character might arrive full of toxic shite, security has been tightened at Moscow airport. Continue reading

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Filed under International News, Politics, War

Donald Trump sacks himself

“Fired!”

With no-one else left in the White House, former President Trump sacked himself this afternoon, he confirmed in a tweet.

“I just wasn’t feeling the chemistry anymore,” he said, after catching sight of himself in a mirror.

Cleaner Jose Mortimer has temporarily taken the reins.

“There’s no-one here at the moment,” he told Boris Johnson, “but if you’d like to leave a message, please do so after the beep. Beep.”

Political commentators worrying about a US power vacuum were immediately reassured by Mortimer.

“No problem,” he said, “I use a Riccar Premium Radiance.”

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Filed under breaking news, Donald Trump, idiots, International News, Politics