Category Archives: USA
Manafort sat still in a wheelchair and betrayed little emotion as the US district judge TS Ellis of the eastern district of Virginia pronounced the sentence, which will be partially offset by several cushion pokes already received.
The sentence seems far more lenient than federal sentencing guidelines, which call for 19 to 24 years in prison for these types of crimes.
However, Judge Ellis described the guidelines as “excessive” and “out of whack”, saying Manafort had no prior criminal history, had lived “an otherwise blameless life”, and was a nice white man.
Critics have pointed to a possible disparity in severity of sentencing, given that a young black man was yesterday sentenced to death by nuclear explosion after committing the relatively minor crime of “looking at a policeman in a funny way.”
Ellis was quick to refute that Manafort’s sentence was in any way unduly light, telling reporters that cushion poking can be extremely unpleasant, depending on the cushion, and he had in any case instructed his staff to make sure that “all the stuffing was up one end”.
In the wake of Donald Trump’s new steel tariffs, retaliatory action is expected which could restrict the import of Harley-Davidson two-wheeled, agricultural behemoths.
However, JCB, the well-known maker of earth-moving equipment, is ready to fill the gap.
“Owners will first have to get used to the reduced noise and increased power of a stationary diesel engine, something like a small scavenge pump, before moving on to the real thing.” said JCB’s Sales Manager Jan Pickford, who outlined what ‘the real thing’ might involve.
“For the prototype, we sliced a JCB digger down the middle, front to back, Continue reading
Liam Fox has welcomed the imposition of swingeing tariffs on steel by the USA. “This is going very well and to plan” explained Fox, whose job is signing international trade deals but is actually only qualified to sign sick notes or prescriptions.
Fox insists on being addressed as ‘Doctor’, despite having no doctorate or current employment as a medic *.
To put that in perspective, imagine your gardener demanding to be addressed as ‘Officer’, because she worked for the Police twenty years ago.
Unsurprisingly Fox’s ego is one of the few wholly one-man-made structures visible from space. The utter, utter prick.
- His full title is, of course: “The disgraced former Defence Secretay, Liam Fox” [Thanks to Linda Roulston for correcting our oversight]
In the latest war of who is the cleverest in the White House, Rex Tillerson today publically challenged Donald Trump to a televised live game of Ker Plunk, with the winner being crowned “Bestest man at everything in the world ever ever for infinity time”.
Trump has historically been the one to tweet playground challenges to rivals, having issued an IQ test challenge to Tillerson yesterday there followed a huge media panic until it was cleared up that the tweet directed at Kim Jong-Un Continue reading
President Trump says although, in theory, those hurt in the Charlottesville riots were “not entirely to blame” for their own injuries, the likelihood is that they were.
The President said white supremacists, Good ol’ boys at heart, might want to examine their consciences and see if their actions might perhaps, in some small, unintended way, have contributed to the situation, but it’s not really necessary. Continue reading
White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer has thanked a United Airlines security squad who stepped in after he became unable to stop declaring that Adolf Hitler did not use chemical weapons during World War Two.
“I just couldn’t stop saying outrageous things, digging myself deeper and deeper into this hole. My brain could hear the words coming out of my mouth, but it was powerless to stop the flow, so I can only thank these airline thugs for stepping in when they did and dragging me away from the lectern.”
In the hastily arranged press conference to handle Hitler-comparison-gate Spicer also expressed his gratitude for the bloody nose they gave him. “I didn’t ask them to hit me in the face, but these guys knew in that split second that it was what I needed most. Good work, men, and God bless America. ”
But Spicer may have stirred fresh controversy by going on to praise the United Airlines team’s ability to follow orders as “more committed than even the most diligent SS guards”
Condescending prick, Jacob Rees-Mogg, probably spoiled yesterday, for you as well as for us, by oiling his way round TV and Radio studios, instead of actually doing the job we pay him for.
As an MP, Rees-Mogg has no set hours or duties so, instead of working on some constituency business, he feels entitled to swan around news and current affairs studios from dawn to dusk.
Early risers heard him on Radio 4’s ‘Today’, whilst it was still dark, both outside your house and inside Rees- Mogg’s heart, and he was still Continue reading
“For decades, scientists were unable to explain Black Holes,” said Professor Brian Cox, “especially the super massive ones, but then we solved it. Well, Trump is like a super massive Orange Hole. Metaphorically speaking.”
Various tests have been run at CERN and lots of scientists have been writing long equations on multiple backboards, working at the very edge of reality.
“Of course we already know that Donald Trump does not exist in the normal sense of the word,” said the Professor, “but that alone may not stop him becoming President. The current hypothesis is that he is somehow the product of the collective American Mind.”
“But we’re not quite sure yet whether to describe him as a figment of the imagination or a pigment of the imagination.” Continue reading
Top US bungletwunt, Donald Trump has promised to have a protester-proof security wall built in time for his next campaign rally.
“I’m going to make the protestors build it, yeah!” Trump smugged, noddingly. Responding to suggestions that this might prove difficult to arrange, he said “You know what? The wall just got ten foot higher! Yeah?”
Despite intensive coverage of the Iowa caucus it’s been revealed that most people this side of the Atlantic couldn’t give a rat’s arse about the result and fully ninety per cent think a caucus is some sort of animal.
“Caucus? Bloody hell, be careful,” local farmer Phil Evans said to us. “They can break a man’s arm you know.” Continue reading
Initial reports are that [add big number] have been killed and [add even bigger number] are seriously wounded at [add place].
Little is known about the gunman at present, but media are swarming to the area and will soon interview someone who will confirm the shooter appeared [completely normal and was a credit to his parents / to be a loner who kept to himself].
“Imagine if he went into that cinema armed with just a baseball bat, he would have found it almost impossible to bash himself to death” reasoned NRA spokesman Wayne Einstein.
The incident has caused shock among racist US officers, with some vowing they will give up shooting unarmed black men in protest.
“You just don’t feel safe anymore” said Officer X. “You turn around for just a few seconds to shoot a suspected black man only for some scumbag video camera to shoot you in the back.”
After dozens of people including the President were shot, Selma’s Police Chief, Pete Garbut, explained his tough stance on this weekend’s civil rights march re-enactment.
“Give an inch and they’ll take a mile. You’re too young to remember this, but black protesters have marched across this bridge once before and last time it all ended in tears … yes OK, that may have been the riot gas.”