Do not adjust your TV set.
“For decades, scientists were unable to explain Black Holes,” said Professor Brian Cox, “especially the super massive ones, but then we solved it. Well, Trump is like a super massive Orange Hole. Metaphorically speaking.”
Various tests have been run at CERN and lots of scientists have been writing long equations on multiple backboards, working at the very edge of reality.
“Of course we already know that Donald Trump does not exist in the normal sense of the word,” said the Professor, “but that alone may not stop him becoming President. The current hypothesis is that he is somehow the product of the collective American Mind.”
“But we’re not quite sure yet whether to describe him as a figment of the imagination or a pigment of the imagination.” Continue reading
“AGH! DON’T SHOOT. ME SURRENDER!”
Top US bungletwunt, Donald Trump has promised to have a protester-proof security wall built in time for his next campaign rally.
“I’m going to make the protestors build it, yeah!” Trump smugged, noddingly. Responding to suggestions that this might prove difficult to arrange, he said “You know what? The wall just got ten foot higher! Yeah?”
Despite intensive coverage of the Iowa caucus it’s been revealed that most people this side of the Atlantic couldn’t give a rat’s arse about the result and fully ninety per cent think a caucus is some sort of animal.
“Caucus? Bloody hell, be careful,” local farmer Phil Evans said to us. “They can break a man’s arm you know.” Continue reading
[add photo from scene]
A gunman has shot numerous people at a US [college / school / mall / other].
Initial reports are that [add big number] have been killed and [add even bigger number] are seriously wounded.
Little is known about the gunman at present, but media are swarming to the area and will soon interview someone who will confirm the shooter appeared [completely normal and was a credit to his parents / to be a loner who kept to himself (note: change gender in unlikely event shooter is female)].
Wayne still waiting to hear back from Mensa
The National Rifle Association say if it wasn’t for today’s US cinema shooter having a gun to shoot himself with, many more lives would have been at risk.
“Imagine if he went into that cinema armed with just a baseball bat, he would have found it almost impossible to bash himself to death” reasoned NRA spokesman Wayne Einstein.
“And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids with your video camera”
A video camera has snuck up behind a US police officer and filmed him while he was minding his own business pumping eight bullets into a fleeing black man.
The incident has caused shock among racist US officers, with some vowing they will give up shooting unarmed black men in protest.
“You just don’t feel safe anymore” said Officer X. “You turn around for just a few seconds to shoot a suspected black man only for some scumbag video camera to shoot you in the back.”
It’s hard to tell, Chief. In black and white they don’t all look the same
After dozens of people including the President were shot, Selma’s Police Chief, Pete Garbut, explained his tough stance on this weekend’s civil rights march re-enactment.
“Give an inch and they’ll take a mile. You’re too young to remember this, but black protesters have marched across this bridge once before and last time it all ended in tears … yes OK, that may have been the riot gas.”