Category Archives: USA

Jacob Rees-Mogg now an expert on everything, says Jacob Rees-Mogg

Jacob about to critique the pointing on this Cotswold stone wall

Condescending prick, Jacob Rees-Mogg, probably spoiled yesterday, for you as well as for us, by oiling his way round TV and Radio studios, instead of actually doing the job we pay him for.

As an MP, Rees-Mogg has no set hours or duties so, instead of working on some constituency business, he feels entitled to swan around news and current affairs studios from dawn to dusk.

Early risers heard him on Radio 4’s ‘Today’, whilst it was still dark, both outside your house and inside Rees- Mogg’s heart, and he was still Continue reading

Comments Off on Jacob Rees-Mogg now an expert on everything, says Jacob Rees-Mogg

Filed under breaking news, News, USA

Public now nostalgic for when the news, social media was all celebrity deaths

Public would now accept the death of three national treasures to escape referendum debate on Facebook

Public would now accept the death of three national treasures to escape referendum debate on Facebook

The dreadful sequence of deaths of much-loved musicians, comedians and actors that saw in the year now looks like a golden age of feel-good news against the nightly horror show the public suffer now, says everyone.

As sad as it was to lose Bowie, Rickman, Wogan and Wood, there was a sense of gladness for having known them and their work which is completely absent from the current onslaught of unadulterated misery.

And as a bewildering bonfire of hatred and rage threatens to engulf their Facebook timelines, people are longing for a return to the simple times when all they had to do was tweet about how sad they are that a singer has died.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Public now nostalgic for when the news, social media was all celebrity deaths

Filed under 29/9 attrocities, breaking news, Entertainment, EU referendum, Europe, Facebook, Law and Order, News, Nostalgia, Obituary, Showbusiness, Social media, Society, USA

Everybody suddenly an expert on behaviour of gorillas

gorilla2

“Nah, he’ll be fine. David Attenborough didn’t have any problems.”

After a gorilla was shot dead at a zoo in Cincinnati, it has emerged that everybody on facebook is massively knowledgeable about the behaviour and body language of adult gorillas.

Zoo officials shot the gorilla to protect a four-year-old boy who had fallen into the enclosure, but social media’s ever ready population of under-informed, over-opinionated users reckon the child was in no danger, and could maybe even have been left there for the gorillas to raise as one of their own. Continue reading

Comments Off on Everybody suddenly an expert on behaviour of gorillas

Filed under idiots, News, Social media, USA

Scientists close to explaining Donald Trump

Do not adjust your TV set.

Do not adjust your TV set.

“For decades, scientists were unable to explain Black Holes,” said Professor Brian Cox, “especially the super massive ones, but then we solved it.  Well, Trump is like a super massive Orange Hole.  Metaphorically speaking.”

Various tests have been run at CERN and lots of scientists have been writing long equations on multiple backboards, working at the very edge of reality.

“Of course we already know that Donald Trump does not exist in the normal sense of the word,” said the Professor, “but that alone may not stop him becoming President.  The current hypothesis is that he is somehow the product of the collective American Mind.”

“But we’re not quite sure yet whether to describe him as a figment of the imagination or a pigment of the imagination.” Continue reading

Comments Off on Scientists close to explaining Donald Trump

Filed under Entertainment, idiots, Intergalactic News, Politics, science, Space, TV, USA

Trump will get anti-Trump protesters to build a wall, in time for next rally

trump-i_surrender

“AGH! DON’T SHOOT. ME SURRENDER!”

Top US bungletwunt, Donald Trump has promised to have a protester-proof security wall built in time for his next campaign rally.

“I’m going to make the protestors build it, yeah!” Trump smugged, noddingly. Responding to suggestions that this might prove difficult to arrange, he said “You know what? The wall just got ten foot higher! Yeah?”

Continue reading

Comments Off on Trump will get anti-Trump protesters to build a wall, in time for next rally

Filed under International News, Politics, USA

90% of Brits think a caucus is an animal

The Binturong (Arctictis binturong), also known as the Asian Bearcat, the Palawan BearcatPalawan

Caucus?

Despite intensive coverage of the Iowa caucus it’s been revealed that most people this side of the Atlantic couldn’t give a rat’s arse about the result and fully ninety per cent think a caucus is some sort of animal.

“Caucus? Bloody hell, be careful,” local farmer Phil Evans said to us. “They can break a man’s arm you know.” Continue reading

Comments Off on 90% of Brits think a caucus is an animal

Filed under USA

US mass shooting at [add place]

[add photo from scene]

[add photo from scene]

A gunman has shot numerous people at a US [college / school / mall / other].

Initial reports are that [add big number] have been killed and [add even bigger number] are seriously wounded.

Little is known about the gunman at present, but media are swarming to the area and will soon interview someone who will confirm the shooter appeared [completely normal and was a credit to his parents / to be a loner who kept to himself (note: change gender in unlikely event shooter is female)].
Continue reading

Comments Off on US mass shooting at [add place]

Filed under Law and Order, News, USA

NRA says mass shooter shooting himself shows how guns save lives

Wayne still waiting to hear back from Mensa

Wayne still waiting to hear back from Mensa

The National Rifle Association say if it wasn’t for today’s US cinema shooter having a gun to shoot himself with, many more lives would have been at risk.

“Imagine if he went into that cinema armed with just a baseball bat, he would have found it almost impossible to bash himself to death” reasoned NRA spokesman Wayne Einstein.
Continue reading

Comments Off on NRA says mass shooter shooting himself shows how guns save lives

Filed under Crime, Law and Order, USA

Video camera shoots armed US police officer

"And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids with your video camera"

“And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids with your video camera”

A video camera has snuck up behind a US police officer and filmed him while he was minding his own business pumping eight bullets into a fleeing black man.

The incident has caused shock among racist US officers, with some vowing they will give up shooting unarmed black men in protest.

“You just don’t feel safe anymore” said Officer X. “You turn around for just a few seconds to shoot a suspected black man only for some scumbag video camera to shoot you in the back.”
Continue reading

Comments Off on Video camera shoots armed US police officer

Filed under Civil rights, Crime, Law and Order, USA

Selma Police celebrate 1965 march by shooting President Obama

selma

It’s hard to tell, Chief. In black and white they don’t all look the same

After dozens of people including the President were shot, Selma’s Police Chief, Pete Garbut, explained his tough stance on this weekend’s civil rights march re-enactment.

“Give an inch and they’ll take a mile. You’re too young to remember this, but black protesters have marched across this bridge once before and last time it all ended in tears … yes OK, that may have been the riot gas.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on Selma Police celebrate 1965 march by shooting President Obama

Filed under Civil rights, International News, News, USA