Category Archives: Law and Order
Manafort sat still in a wheelchair and betrayed little emotion as the US district judge TS Ellis of the eastern district of Virginia pronounced the sentence, which will be partially offset by several cushion pokes already received.
The sentence seems far more lenient than federal sentencing guidelines, which call for 19 to 24 years in prison for these types of crimes.
However, Judge Ellis described the guidelines as “excessive” and “out of whack”, saying Manafort had no prior criminal history, had lived “an otherwise blameless life”, and was a nice white man.
Critics have pointed to a possible disparity in severity of sentencing, given that a young black man was yesterday sentenced to death by nuclear explosion after committing the relatively minor crime of “looking at a policeman in a funny way.”
Ellis was quick to refute that Manafort’s sentence was in any way unduly light, telling reporters that cushion poking can be extremely unpleasant, depending on the cushion, and he had in any case instructed his staff to make sure that “all the stuffing was up one end”.
In the wake of Donald Trump’s new steel tariffs, retaliatory action is expected which could restrict the import of Harley-Davidson two-wheeled, agricultural behemoths.
However, JCB, the well-known maker of earth-moving equipment, is ready to fill the gap.
“Owners will first have to get used to the reduced noise and increased power of a stationary diesel engine, something like a small scavenge pump, before moving on to the real thing.” said JCB’s Sales Manager Jan Pickford, who outlined what ‘the real thing’ might involve.
“For the prototype, we sliced a JCB digger down the middle, front to back, Continue reading
Liam Fox has welcomed the imposition of swingeing tariffs on steel by the USA. “This is going very well and to plan” explained Fox, whose job is signing international trade deals but is actually only qualified to sign sick notes or prescriptions.
Fox insists on being addressed as ‘Doctor’, despite having no doctorate or current employment as a medic *.
To put that in perspective, imagine your gardener demanding to be addressed as ‘Officer’, because she worked for the Police twenty years ago.
Unsurprisingly Fox’s ego is one of the few wholly one-man-made structures visible from space. The utter, utter prick.
- His full title is, of course: “The disgraced former Defence Secretay, Liam Fox” [Thanks to Linda Roulston for correcting our oversight]
“I was sitting at my desk with my fingers in my ears and my eyes shut as usual, when I had an epiphany” said the Home Secretary today. “Like when I decided to have rich parents, it was a no-brainer. With no link between police numbers and crime it didn’t make sense for me to have armed officers ‘protecting me’ 24/7, so I asked Cressida Dick to move them to other duties. The Downing Street coppers are going next week and traffic police by the end of June.”
Rudd has a no-nonsense approach to work, born out of her down-with-the-kids schooling at Cheltenham Ladies’ College. Although she went on to read History at University, Rudd believes learning from the experience of others is futile. “No, I much prefer to learn from my own foolish Continue reading
In the latest war of who is the cleverest in the White House, Rex Tillerson today publically challenged Donald Trump to a televised live game of Ker Plunk, with the winner being crowned “Bestest man at everything in the world ever ever for infinity time”.
Trump has historically been the one to tweet playground challenges to rivals, having issued an IQ test challenge to Tillerson yesterday there followed a huge media panic until it was cleared up that the tweet directed at Kim Jong-Un Continue reading
President Trump says although, in theory, those hurt in the Charlottesville riots were “not entirely to blame” for their own injuries, the likelihood is that they were.
The President said white supremacists, Good ol’ boys at heart, might want to examine their consciences and see if their actions might perhaps, in some small, unintended way, have contributed to the situation, but it’s not really necessary. Continue reading
Jeremy Hunt is baffled by a Judge’s criticism of NHS services, which included the unknown words ‘shame’ and ’embarrassment’.
“This is another example of an out of touch judiciary” said a clearly exasperated Health Secretary “using obscure words, which no one understands. I’ve asked all my colleagues and they don’t know their meaning either. Maybe he made them up, like me and NHS Continue reading
In a landmark judgement, “Lord St Davids”, Rhodri Colwyn Philipps has been jailed for being a prick.
Philipps had been found guilty of being a prick at an earlier hearing, when he refused to stand up in court until being addressed as Lord St Davids.
Sentence had been adjourned until his trial on charges of sending menacing messages. He was duly convicted on Monday but generously allowed to go home and pack his tooth brush, pyjamas and Continue reading
Lord St Davids has wearily explained to a court that offering five grand to have Gina Miller run over shouldn’t be seen as him offering five grand to have her run over after pleading not guilty to charges of making malicious communications and being a prick.
“Gina Miller, mmm… strapping girl. Full of admiration for her ability to jump over boats. It’s in their genes, you know. Offering £5000 to have her run over was a bit of a jape. She could jump my bon.. jump over cars easily.”
The Viscount posted on facebook “£5,000 for the first person to ‘accidentally’ run over this bloody troublesome first generation immigrant” but says this should be seen in the light of his financial position.
“I’m broke. Well” he chuckled “that’s what I told my creditors last year, before ‘accidentally’ becoming bankrupt again, Continue reading
New rules, that mean having to fill in a 10 page form every time they speak to someone, have delighted police.
“Ten pages is nothing, bring it on.” chuckled Dunstable police’s PC Jackson. “This is why I joined the Police. I always wanted to make a difference.”
“Yesterday, for instance, I spoke to a woman who asked the way to Whipsnade zoo and then spent a lovely few hours back at the station filling in the details.” she said. “I didn’t finish typing until six o’clock, by which time Whipsnade had shut Continue reading
White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer has thanked a United Airlines security squad who stepped in after he became unable to stop declaring that Adolf Hitler did not use chemical weapons during World War Two.
“I just couldn’t stop saying outrageous things, digging myself deeper and deeper into this hole. My brain could hear the words coming out of my mouth, but it was powerless to stop the flow, so I can only thank these airline thugs for stepping in when they did and dragging me away from the lectern.”
In the hastily arranged press conference to handle Hitler-comparison-gate Spicer also expressed his gratitude for the bloody nose they gave him. “I didn’t ask them to hit me in the face, but these guys knew in that split second that it was what I needed most. Good work, men, and God bless America. ”
But Spicer may have stirred fresh controversy by going on to praise the United Airlines team’s ability to follow orders as “more committed than even the most diligent SS guards”
Condescending prick, Jacob Rees-Mogg, probably spoiled yesterday, for you as well as for us, by oiling his way round TV and Radio studios, instead of actually doing the job we pay him for.
As an MP, Rees-Mogg has no set hours or duties so, instead of working on some constituency business, he feels entitled to swan around news and current affairs studios from dawn to dusk.
Early risers heard him on Radio 4’s ‘Today’, whilst it was still dark, both outside your house and inside Rees- Mogg’s heart, and he was still Continue reading
Morons-on-a-mission, Britain First are seemingly so useless they’ve even failed to come to the attention of Amber Rudd and get themselves banned.
The knuckle-dragging fuckwit ‘party’ has been soliciting funds for some days, on the premise that they were about to be banned and needed cash for their legal appeal. With Poppy scam season over, Biffer Central is on the lookout for alternative income streams, Continue reading
Liz Truss is waiting to see if a 27% increase in prisoner self-harm can be translated into actual deaths, before starting on reforms planned by her hapless, pasty-faced predescessor, Michael Gove.
“Signs are encouraging but one swallow of bleach doesn’t make a summer.” Continue reading
A seemingly wanton act of criminal damage may have been an over-exuberant attempt to raise funds for PCs down on their luck.
“Some Officers have to retire early after, say, accidentally attacking a member of the public or their property.” said Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe.
Another steaming tidal-wave of shit seems to have emerged from the Goverment’s favourite contractors, the hapless G4S.
With child victims of their custody staff assaults still sporting bruises, fresh allegations are that G4S police control room staff made loads of 999 calls at quiet times, to boost their performance figures.
Jon Pastry, managing director for G4S public services outlined the background to this latest calamity “We became aware that a shady firm of repeat offenders had made a 999 call to boost their performance figures.” Continue reading
“For decades, scientists were unable to explain Black Holes,” said Professor Brian Cox, “especially the super massive ones, but then we solved it. Well, Trump is like a super massive Orange Hole. Metaphorically speaking.”
Various tests have been run at CERN and lots of scientists have been writing long equations on multiple backboards, working at the very edge of reality.
“Of course we already know that Donald Trump does not exist in the normal sense of the word,” said the Professor, “but that alone may not stop him becoming President. The current hypothesis is that he is somehow the product of the collective American Mind.”
“But we’re not quite sure yet whether to describe him as a figment of the imagination or a pigment of the imagination.” Continue reading
Shoplifting ban should be suspended, rules court of appeal, as ‘everyone knows how to get past security bloke’
A court order banning the theft of goods from Tesco Express in Harold has been lifted. Court of Appeal judges accepted local thief Mark Kettle’s bid to lift the ban, and said the overt pilfering of items from the shop could start, pending a possible appeal from the manager.
The judges said the practice of nicking jars of coffee and packets of Haribo from Tesco Express had now been widely established and it was no longer in the public interest to maintain the ban.
They gave the shop time to apply to take the case to Dunstable Supreme Court. In the ruling, they said there must be no theft leading to getting caught before 13:00 BST on Wednesday. The shop has until 10:00 BST today to submit arguments to the Supreme Court.