“Trust me, I went to a grammar school. Why would I lie to you?”
Parents across the country have welcomed the re-introduction of selective secondary education announced by Theresa May, providing their own kids make the grade and avoid the pit of doom that otherwise awaits.
“I’m all in favour of social mobility, as my kids will be on the up escalator.” said Dan Brooks, Harold office manager and borderline simpleton. “Is there a down escalator? Continue reading
Graham Brady MP. Anyone else hear braying and the clatter of horses’ hooves?
People who recognise the advantages of an expensive education over a cheaper version are delighted that grammar schools are making a comeback.
“There are a few issues to resolve, such as how we keep the ‘wrong sort’ sort out, whilst still getting them to pay for it.” said Tory MP Graham Brady, a man who’s reached 49 years of age without once bothering to get a proper job. “We’ll probably rely on local house prices, which served us well for years.” Continue reading
Justine Greening. Or is it Liz Truss? Who wrote ‘Eats, Shoots and Leaves’?
School staff are overjoyed to have a new Education Secretary, after the old one hung around for almost two whole years.
“Don’t get me wrong” said Harold teaching assistant Carly Jeffery “Nicky Morgan was great at first. But she sort-of ran out of steam. We’d sometimes go weeks without a new plan to combat left-wing teacher-training of the 1970’s.”
Ms Jeffery hopes new Education Secretary, Justine Greening will have plenty of new ideas Continue reading
Communism in action
A consortium of concerned parents has claimed a moral victory after the proven legality of term-time holidays caused travel firms to immediately quadruple their non-holiday prices to cash in on the massive demand.
“We’ve always said it’s a scandal that travel costs in the holidays are raised artificially to exploit parents,” explained Ron Pratt, who refused to pay a £60 fine for taking his children to Florida, causing local authority to take him to court.
After the High Court found that there was actually nothing illegal in taking children on term-time holidays, the major travel companies have taken only days to massively raise their prices for the rest of the year.
“Now prices are the same all year round,” trumpeted a jubilant Pratt. “Instead of being forced to pay an undeserved £60 fine, I now have the right to pay £2500 more to go to Florida in September.” Continue reading
£120 – that’s the deposit on this year’s holiday, cheers!
After the landmark high court ruling that there was no case to answer for a parent who refused to pay his £120 term time holiday fine, flagging PPI claims companies have shifted their greed from the financially ignorant to self-righteous middle class parents.
Parents who took kids out of school and hid behind the thinly veiled argument that it was better for “Jocasta and Tarquin to experience a different culture and language”, whist taking them to Disneyland or skiing for 2 weeks, can now relax and simply admit the truth : they wanted to save a few quid on a holiday. Continue reading
A Harold head teacher has spoken out in defence of the new SATs – described by many as being unnecessarily stressful, pressured and far too advanced, and which reduced some students to tears.
St Mary’s Alison Lee, however, thinks the paper was no more difficult than it needs to be to prepare students for life in current society.
“Parents think that being engaged, inspired little learners will be sufficient for their offspring to succeed, but they’re living in a dream world” said Mrs Lee.
“What sort of mind do you need to have to be able to argue that a super-injunction should hold, even when everyone knows the details of the story in question? How adept at convoluted maths must you be to complete a Panama Papers tax return? These are not skills that are garnered without effort.” Continue reading
Won’t resign on a matter of principal
Nicky Morgan, the perpetually terror-struck Education Secretary, says her U-turn on forced academisation “wasn’t so much a turn as a bend.”
“As an MP and a corporate lawyer specialising in acquisitions, my main principles are me and my career. Continue reading
Look, there it is in the dictionary, just after neglect of duty.
Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has apologised for his poor grasp of the English language after being advised that ‘negotiate’ does not mean ‘annihilate’.
“I was under the impression that to negotiate meant ‘to crush your opponent’,” he said, “but now they’re telling me it means something more like ‘compromise’. I’ll have to look that one up. It’s another new word to add to my vocabulary.”
“Come on then, if you think you’re hard enough” The new Supply Minister loses control of Year 5
Teachers struggled to sit quietly and behave yesterday as Education Secretary Nicky Morgan addressed the conference of the NASUWT.
Starting off with “Hey, I want you guys to call me Nicky, OK?” Mrs Morgan soon realised that the teachers, attending conference and simultaneously marking books, needed a firmer hand.
“You have a choice – if you spend the next four years doing battle with us it will be your own time you’re wasting…” she announced Continue reading
OK, not the best picture but this way we’ve (probably) got the right chap
“It was bad enough when that awful little man Gove was in charge” says Melinda Tilley, the councillor running education in the PMs Witney constituency, who is a tad grumpy about plans to academise state schools. “But this new woman is planning to sell off our schools. And we’re true blue.”
Tilley insists “This is not why I became a Conservative, I became a Conservative so I could tell poor people what to do.”
Playgrounds provide ample parking
The government revealed today that the next phase in its education policy is for all state-owned schools to converted as quickly as possible into nice apartments for rich people.
“This country has a fine school tradition,” explained chancellor George Osborne, “With some magnificent old buildings, many with high ceilings and lots of original features. With fewer children and better furniture we could be looking at some really good news for our friends’ building companies.”
“Renovation, renovation, renovation, that’s our motto.”
Following the news that the leopard which has terrorised Indian schools has gone missing, popular real newspaper the Evening Harold was today unable to resist the headline: “Missing leopard spotted”.
Reaction to the frankly terrible headline was swift, with many readers protesting by burning their copies of the newspaper. Many bought extra copies just to burn them, leading to the highest circulation ever seen.
Readers of the online edition of the Harold were quick to burn their laptops, and Stephen Fry quit Twitter, as usual.
A spokesman for the Harold tried to insist the whole affair was a simple mistake, claiming that the headline had meant to refer to a missing leotard.
No-one believed him, but everyone stopped protesting and went off to think about leotards for a bit.
A representative of former Star Trek actor Leonard Nimoy had no comment to make, other than noting that his client died last year and he expected better of us.
What’s wrong with this picture?
The Headteacher who insisted that evolution wasn’t real has given further proof of her intellectual ability by announcing that the planet Earth moves through space on the back of a giant tortoise.
Christina Blinkerson, head of a primary school in Lancashire, claimed on Twitter that evolution was just “a theory”.
Wilkinson spouted: “Evolution is not a fact. That’s why it’s called a theory! There’s more evidence that the Bible is true. I’ve read it in a book.”
As if this were not enough to disqualify her from ever being allowed to speak to schoolchildren again, she followed up by expanding on her beliefs of something she called the “Great Tortoise”, which she had read in her other book.
“It’s true!” she spluttered over social media. “A huge tortoise, carrying the Earth through the heavens! And there’s something about elephants, but I can’t remember that bit.”
Balls to The Exorcist this is real horror
Thirty-two years since they were told to leave the BBC Micro and get back to studying their Kathy & Mark books former pupils of Harold’s St Mary’s Primary School are suing it for not letting them complete the educational game Granny’s Garden.
“The damage has been huge,” said Rebecca Shaw, now aged 38. “We got as far as the dragons and having to work out which one to befriend and then Miss said we had to stop. Which dragon would’ve been our friend? The not knowing has ruined my life.” Continue reading
Pooh – what’s that smell?
As staff at London’s Hunterian museum prepare to exhibit the skull of the original Pooh bear, other museums have begun trawling through their store rooms for similar grisly treasures.
Nicky Morgan wonders if she could change the currriculum on Boxing day
The nation’s schools are today toasting Nicky Morgan, who plans to review how primary school pupils are assessed.
“That’s fantastic!” enthused Harold teaching assistant Carly Jeffery, when we broke the news to her this morning . “I’m bored with the current system, which is over a year old. Can you believe it, more than 12 months?” Continue reading
Term time Disney – as empty as her education.
Children returning to school after term-time trips abroad could face a wall of silence around work they have missed while taking advantage of cheaper fares.
That’s the recommendation of teachers who see fines as ineffective against low- and middle-income parents who believe they have a right to go on discounted vacations in June that they couldn’t have afforded at summer market prices.
“Parents may think their children can catch up, or get the worksheets they missed – but if these measures are introduced, they will not even be informed what topics were covered while they were away. They won’t even know there is a 7-times table,” warned Carly Jeffery, assistant teacher at St. Mary’s primary school. Continue reading
Why is there only one word for ‘thesaurus’?
A new Scottish thesaurus which lists 422 words for members of the Conservative party, is facing a ban under the obscene publications act.
With words ranging from ‘bawbag’ to ‘jobby’, and dozens of ruder ones in between, the Scots have one more word for ‘twazzocks’ than they do for snow. And 421 more than they have Tory MPs.
Author Tristan Hemlock carried out much of his research in a Glasgow pub, and very shortly afterwards, a nearby infirmary.
“I sat down at the bar, and asked politely if any of the locals had a good word for the Tories”, explained Hemlock.
“The response was tremendous, I was met with a bewildering wall of abuse. Fortunately, I managed to write most of it down.”
Essex will use his new-found intelligence to make the world a reemer place.
Celebrity thought vacuum Joey Essex has been awarded an honorary D-grade in GCSE expressive arts.
The qualification was presented by Spencer Chadwick of the Shining Future Academy and IT Achievement Haven, after it was noticed that his work inspired teachers and parents to see even the thickest children in a new light.
“This is a great honour”, said Essex. “Would you like my autograph? I can nearly do it now. Does this make me a doctor? How many numbers are there in ‘reem’?”
“Essex inspires us not to give up on even the most grating of our mouth-breathing morons”, soothed Headmaster Chadwick. “Idiocy is no longer a taboo, in fact it’s now something to celebrate.”
Balls will now concentrate on trying to learn from history.
Ed Balls has given the Labour election campaign a powerful boost, after announcing he has finally passed GCSE maths.
The shadow chancellor has resat the tough exam 32 times, “which is an even number”, the newly-confident maths-whizz revealed.
But it was 30-ish times lucky for Balls, who finally has a ‘strong pass’ in one of the key qualifications any economist would strive for.
“We’ve put it on the fridge, so visiting dignitaries can see it”, said Balls. “Alex Salmond was so impressed, he gave me two pounds to spend on sweets. Just think, I could buy a penny chew every day for a year.”