Category Archives: Education
“It’s a majorly important job that’s getting a lot of attention right now,” said village incomer Oofy Eastof. “So naturally those of us who make Kirsty Allsop look like Sid Vicious are taking it for ourselves and our offspring.”
“Lysander and I are hoping that Cassian will take a BSc (Vans) at Waitrose. We’d be happy with Sainsbury’s too obviously but he is very, very bright and I’m not sure they’d offer him enough of a challenge.”
“My sister-in-law’s eldest has just scraped into Budgens and we’re trying to be supportive there but it’s now glaringly obvious what a hopeless underachiever that child is.”
Asked what she expected people who have the practical skills to be delivery van drivers but can’t afford to study the subject for three years to do, Oofy replied that “They could always establish a lavatory paper delivery business and start from the bottom.”
“Our tuition fees are amongst the highest in the world and someone must be responsible.” said a woman who voted through every single one of the austerity measure of the idiot Continue reading
The right wing social commentator and odious arse, Toby Young, has been resigned from his position on the university regulator, the Office for Students.
“If we are to stand up as the Conservative party for what is right,” he told the BBC, casting himself in the role of a noble man nobly falling on his sword, “we also have to accept when we have made a mistake.”
He then set his pudgy jaw, gazed into the middle distance and checked with John Humphrys about his pose. “Have you got my best profile” Continue reading
Tory MP, whip and all-round know-it-all Chris Heaton-Harris, has written to all home-schooling parents, asking them to send him copies of their lesson plans, with particular reference to Brexit.
“There’s no hurry,” says Heaton-Harris “but shall we say next Monday at the latest? As half-term actually ends on Friday afternoon.”
The popular government whip likes people to justify their position in society and has written to all the nation’s educators, partly because time hangs heavy on his hands as an MP but mostly because Continue reading
Ofsted, which kicks schools round the playground if they don’t do well in tests set by psychopaths who can’t cut the mustard in the classroom, has told schools to ‘Do as I say, not as I do’.
“When we go into schools we have a battery of tests to administer.” said head of Ofsted Amanda Spielman “Or to put it another way, we have tests to administer with battery. Yes, that’s Continue reading
A level results getting villagers today are happy in the knowledge that absolutely no one cares.
“All through school I was told that A levels would define my entire life,” eighteen year old Simon Delaney told us. “Now I’ve finished I know that they serve no purpose whatsoever and that I can now get on with doing things on my own terms.”
“A levels, degrees – all a load of bobbins,” Cassie Fine, owner of local geek shop Dungeons & More Dungeons said. “My CV says I went to Miss Cackle’s Academy for Witches, did a BA at Unseen University, an MPhil at the College of Winterhold and a DPhil at the Tufty Club. Never had a boss who’s bothered to check if it’s true.”
The rumour that A levels now only exist in order to allow Jeremy Clarkson the opportunity to post the same smug tweet about them every year remain persistent but as yet unconfirmed.
Harold head teacher, Alison Lee hopes the general election date will mean the next minister running out of time to ruin her summer holidays by buggering about with education, “but we’ll probably mysteriously lose our phone and broadband connections at the end of June. Just in case”.
Lee thinks that about the same time, St Mary’s Primary School’s post might accidentally be mislaid behind a giant hornet nest in the loft at the Post Office Continue reading
The government’s latest policy U turn, on testing kids who struggle to fasten their shirt buttons, has come as a shock to teachers, who thought it was all going swimmingly.
“Sats are great” affirmed Harold teaching assistant, Carly Jeffery “they don’t cause stress for schools, staff, children or parents, so I’m wary of dropping them without evidence. But clearly the DfE knows what it’s doing.” Continue reading
Parents across the country have welcomed the re-introduction of selective secondary education announced by Theresa May, providing their own kids make the grade and avoid the pit of doom that otherwise awaits.
“I’m all in favour of social mobility, as my kids will be on the up escalator.” said Dan Brooks, Harold office manager and borderline simpleton. “Is there a down escalator? Continue reading
People who recognise the advantages of an expensive education over a cheaper version are delighted that grammar schools are making a comeback.
“There are a few issues to resolve, such as how we keep the ‘wrong sort’ sort out, whilst still getting them to pay for it.” said Tory MP Graham Brady, a man who’s reached 49 years of age without once bothering to get a proper job. “We’ll probably rely on local house prices, which served us well for years.” Continue reading
School staff are overjoyed to have a new Education Secretary, after the old one hung around for almost two whole years.
“Don’t get me wrong” said Harold teaching assistant Carly Jeffery “Nicky Morgan was great at first. But she sort-of ran out of steam. We’d sometimes go weeks without a new plan to combat left-wing teacher-training of the 1970’s.”
Ms Jeffery hopes new Education Secretary, Justine Greening will have plenty of new ideas Continue reading
A consortium of concerned parents has claimed a moral victory after the proven legality of term-time holidays caused travel firms to immediately quadruple their non-holiday prices to cash in on the massive demand.
“We’ve always said it’s a scandal that travel costs in the holidays are raised artificially to exploit parents,” explained Ron Pratt, who refused to pay a £60 fine for taking his children to Florida, causing local authority to take him to court.
After the High Court found that there was actually nothing illegal in taking children on term-time holidays, the major travel companies have taken only days to massively raise their prices for the rest of the year.
“Now prices are the same all year round,” trumpeted a jubilant Pratt. “Instead of being forced to pay an undeserved £60 fine, I now have the right to pay £2500 more to go to Florida in September.” Continue reading
After the landmark high court ruling that there was no case to answer for a parent who refused to pay his £120 term time holiday fine, flagging PPI claims companies have shifted their greed from the financially ignorant to self-righteous middle class parents.
Parents who took kids out of school and hid behind the thinly veiled argument that it was better for “Jocasta and Tarquin to experience a different culture and language”, whist taking them to Disneyland or skiing for 2 weeks, can now relax and simply admit the truth : they wanted to save a few quid on a holiday. Continue reading
A Harold head teacher has spoken out in defence of the new SATs – described by many as being unnecessarily stressful, pressured and far too advanced, and which reduced some students to tears.
St Mary’s Alison Lee, however, thinks the paper was no more difficult than it needs to be to prepare students for life in current society.
“Parents think that being engaged, inspired little learners will be sufficient for their offspring to succeed, but they’re living in a dream world” said Mrs Lee.
“What sort of mind do you need to have to be able to argue that a super-injunction should hold, even when everyone knows the details of the story in question? How adept at convoluted maths must you be to complete a Panama Papers tax return? These are not skills that are garnered without effort.” Continue reading
Nicky Morgan, the perpetually terror-struck Education Secretary, says her U-turn on forced academisation “wasn’t so much a turn as a bend.”
“As an MP and a corporate lawyer specialising in acquisitions, my main principles are me and my career. Continue reading
Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has apologised for his poor grasp of the English language after being advised that ‘negotiate’ does not mean ‘annihilate’.
“I was under the impression that to negotiate meant ‘to crush your opponent’,” he said, “but now they’re telling me it means something more like ‘compromise’. I’ll have to look that one up. It’s another new word to add to my vocabulary.”
Teachers struggled to sit quietly and behave yesterday as Education Secretary Nicky Morgan addressed the conference of the NASUWT.
Starting off with “Hey, I want you guys to call me Nicky, OK?” Mrs Morgan soon realised that the teachers, attending conference and simultaneously marking books, needed a firmer hand.
“You have a choice – if you spend the next four years doing battle with us it will be your own time you’re wasting…” she announced Continue reading
“It was bad enough when that awful little man Gove was in charge” says Melinda Tilley, the councillor running education in the PMs Witney constituency, who is a tad grumpy about plans to academise state schools. “But this new woman is planning to sell off our schools. And we’re true blue.”
Tilley insists “This is not why I became a Conservative, I became a Conservative so I could tell poor people what to do.”
The government revealed today that the next phase in its education policy is for all state-owned schools to converted as quickly as possible into nice apartments for rich people.
“This country has a fine school tradition,” explained chancellor George Osborne, “With some magnificent old buildings, many with high ceilings and lots of original features. With fewer children and better furniture we could be looking at some really good news for our friends’ building companies.”
“Renovation, renovation, renovation, that’s our motto.”
Following the news that the leopard which has terrorised Indian schools has gone missing, popular real newspaper the Evening Harold was today unable to resist the headline: “Missing leopard spotted”.
Reaction to the frankly terrible headline was swift, with many readers protesting by burning their copies of the newspaper. Many bought extra copies just to burn them, leading to the highest circulation ever seen.
Readers of the online edition of the Harold were quick to burn their laptops, and Stephen Fry quit Twitter, as usual.
A spokesman for the Harold tried to insist the whole affair was a simple mistake, claiming that the headline had meant to refer to a missing leotard.
No-one believed him, but everyone stopped protesting and went off to think about leotards for a bit.
A representative of former Star Trek actor Leonard Nimoy had no comment to make, other than noting that his client died last year and he expected better of us.