Tag Archives: weather

by | September 3, 2015 · 7:00 am

Dave wins right to show BBC weather repeats

weatherman

Here’s some weather you might have missed.

The BBC’s extensive archive of weather reports has been bought by a channel for people with head injuries.

Dave, which repeats everything from topical news quizzes to old episodes of Crimewatch, can now exclusively show the BBC’s best guesses at what the weather was like a few years ago.

Making a welcome return to our screens will be John Kettley, Michael Fish, and the one with eyes like a horse’s before he had a beard.

The move is expected to be popular with people planning last year’s holiday.
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by | December 27, 2014 · 10:36 am

Millions prepare to miss work, telling boss they’re ‘stranded’ by 1mm of snow

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Millions of workers across the UK are getting prepared to phone up their boss on Monday and declare themselves ‘stranded’ by the 1mm of snowfall on their drive.

The flurry of the white stuff fell on Friday night, but some are hoping it will stay on the ground long enough to justify an extra week off work.
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by | March 25, 2014 · 11:00 am

Met office to forecast your future

Michael PiscesNational weather guessrs the Met Office are branching out into a new variety of forecasting. Starting next week they’ll be watching the sky maps to provide us with daily horoscopes.

It’s an open secret that some of the nation’s best known weather broadcasters are keen astrologists with Michale ‘Fickle’ Fish and Ian ‘Mystic Mac’ McCaskill famed for their powers of foresight.

We managed to speak to top weatherist Carol Kirkwood offa the BBC, and she gave us a sneak preview of what we can expect “With temperatures soaring in middle England this week, Libras in the Harold area may begin to feel the heat. You will be tempted to pull a sickie and sunbathe, but be carefully optimistically cautious about complications this may cause around money.

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by | January 28, 2014 · 2:30 pm

Local simpleton claims flooding ’caused by rain’

rain

Idiot also blamed avalanches on snow.

An idiot has been ridiculed by politicians from all parties for suggesting a link between rainfall and flooding.

Notorious mouth-breather Jeremy Hostage made the howler at an emergency council meeting, set up to discuss how to combine flood defences with witch hunts.

“Eddie of the Pagan Party had just claimed that the badger cull was to blame”, said Cllr Ron Ronnson. “He produced some pretty convincing data that this had angered Agrona, the goddess of slaughter. According to Eddie she’s ‘besties’ with Addanc the Primordial Giant, so he surfed here from his home on the Lake of Waves and punished us with floods and damp sofas.”

Nigel Forage of the Bigot Party condemned Eddie as a heathen, and explained that a lesbian wedding was more likely to blame. Ron Ronnson dismissed this theory as ‘nonsense’ but didn’t completely rule out snogging Forage, to see if either of them got wet.
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by | December 24, 2013 · 5:00 pm

Police confirm recycling boxes not invading, just blown around by storm

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The Scouts, Territorial and Salvation Armies have been stood down in Harold after experts confirmed it was the heavy winds that blew 11 recycling boxes in to the middle of the road, and it was not the start of an Eco-invasion.

“The alarm was raised at 5am this morning during the storm,” PC Flegg told us. “We had calls from several concerned residents who say the recycling boxes were taking up ‘a combat position’ in the middle of the road.
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by | November 14, 2013 · 12:30 pm

Long range weather forecaster predicts flurry of publicity/apocalypse

Even Geordies will need a coat

Even Geordies will need a coat

A long range weather forecaster working for a service that most of the population have never heard of has predicted a flurry of publicity for him and his company, after forecasting that the upcoming winter will be “worse than the last ice age”.

James Madden, of Exacta Weather, has a proud track record of accurately predicting the weather before it happens. Just last week, after several days of solid rain, he forecasted that it would “probably rain again tomorrow” and was then proved to be 100% correct the next day. It is this incredible accuracy that has sparked a panic among many people. Continue reading →

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