Conor McGregor explains his call-out fees
Conor McGregor says that, for a plumber, being paid £100 million for an evening’s work represents good value for money.
“There’s a callout fee, based on time and miles travelled. As I live in Dublin and the fight’s in Las Vegas, Continue reading
“I’d like to say sorry for being found out. Can I bill you for that?”
Former cricketer and legendary arsehole, Geoffrey Boycott is still ‘not out’ at the BBC, despite taking a risky shot at West Indian players.
Boycott’s smouldering resentment surfaced recently when at a Sky Sports event, forgetting some brown people were in the audience, he said he’d stand more chance of being knighted if he blacked his face.
A Buckingham Palace spokesman acknowledged “I suppose that might work – if it somehow stops him being an arsehole, Continue reading
Laughing Boy is still waiting but will he get the votes?
Recent newspaper polls reveal that a majority of royalists somehow think they should have a say in who next wears the giant diamond and gold hat.
“I’ve been a firm royalist ever since watching the Alf Garnett documentaries” said Harold’s Alec Fairchild, interviewed on behalf of the Daily Express. “Alf really knew his stuff and clearly explained the benefits of the monarchy. No, I can’t actually remember Continue reading
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President Trump, having an unusually calm day at the office
Millions were disappointed at the weekend, when it emerged that the huge, glowing orange ball going into shadow on Monday will be the Sun and not the 45th President of the USA.
“I’d heard that an angrily burning, self-fuelling, incandescent ball, best seen through six inch thick darkened glass, would be off-line tomorrow.” said AdamCassidy, a 23 year old conspiracy theorist from Harold.
“Naturally, I assumed President Trump was being turned off and on again or Continue reading
I’m very,very rich so in town I park on the pavement
A man living on a 12 feet wide lane says it’s fine to drive a Porsche Cayenne, which barely fits between the hedges, because he’s very, very rich.
“You see, if I weren’t very, very rich I couldn’t afford to own any Porsche, much less my top of the range Cayenne 4X4 Turbo. And as I live in the country, I generally need to use most of the road.”
He confirmed that due to the narrowness of the lanes near where he lives, it’s always the middle 75% of the road which he has to use Continue reading
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“Gottle o’ geer, gottle o’ geer.”
Little Tom Cruise has been hurt, filming a jump between his wallet and his huge ego.
“It was always going to be tricky; the size of Tom’s ego varies according to the size of his wallet.” said producer Christopher McQuarrie, at a press briefing.
“In short, it was a massive stunt. Sorry? Yes, I agree. But what I actually said was ‘a massive stunt’.” Continue reading
Donald Trump showing off with his one times table
President Trump says although, in theory, those hurt in the Charlottesville riots were “not entirely to blame” for their own injuries, the likelihood is that they were.
The President said white supremacists, Good ol’ boys at heart, might want to examine their consciences and see if their actions might perhaps, in some small, unintended way, have contributed to the situation, but it’s not really necessary. Continue reading
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Filed under USA
“This baby is as good as it gets, ooh yes…”
The Royal Navy’s biggest boat sailed into Portsmouth today and naval chiefs are already bragging about how powerful it will be, after its aircraft arrive in 2023.
“Don’t mess with us, is the message.” said Defence Minister Harriett Baldwin, who was once in the Sea Cadets so definitely knows what she’s talking about.
“This baby is as good as it gets, ooh yes…” said Baldwin, running her hand along a railing in a slightly disturbing manner Continue reading
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“Wibble.” David Davis, just after taking his pants off his head
The Minister for Exiting Our Right Minds said today that the Brexit process is great and a character from a 1970s sit-com, young Mr Grace, has told him he’s personally ‘done very well’.
Speaking on R4’s Today programme this morning, David Davis took his pants from his head, two HB pencils from his nose and explained that the lack of clarity, over the government’s plan, is intentional, calling it “constructive ambiguity”. No, really, that’s what he said. We didn’t Continue reading
Heil me!
The racist former leader of the racist UKIP party who built an electoral base campaigning on how everyone should be racist has spoken out about the racist violence in Charlottesville, asking how it’s possible that people could be so racist.
“Cannot believe we’re seeing Nazi salutes in 21st century America”, tweeted Farage yesterday. “How is it possible that people in today’s society, threatened as they are by Muslim PEDO DEATH CULTS, could get so racist? #idespair”.
Critics have been quick to point out that he has dedicated his entire political career to encouraging popular racism for his own selfish political ends, and that Farage condemning racism is about as plausible as a penis condemning urine.
“Nonsense,” insisted Farage at a press conference today, his authority only slightly diminished by his choice of vintage SS uniform and fake Hitler moustache.
“No-one has done more than me to condemn racism. Some of my best friends are Black, Asian and Muslim. Well, Bob is. And he’s a bit smelly, to be honest. Anyway, Heil me.”
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Filed under Donald Trump, News
Intensive training means they can keep going for hours. No, really.
BBC Sport has expressed its ‘sincere regret’ that footage of athletes running, jumping, and throwing things has interrupted the droning, tedious wittering of Gabby Logan and her expert panel of assorted retired athletes.
“We are very sorry.” said Head of BBC Sport, Gary something-or-other “After a busy day at work there’s nothing better than flopping on the sofa and watching overpaid former sportsters spouting fatuous nonsense; like that kids’ party game where each child has to repeat absolutely everything the previous child said – Continue reading
I often buy £10 bags, so I’m not expecting much for 10P
After Tesco announced yesterday that they will only sell Bags for Life at checkouts, new figures released show a sharp drop in life expectancies in the UK for a bag for life.
Whilst other nations on the continent enjoy much longer bag for life times, poor diet choices and obesity are being blamed for the drop in UK levels.
“The data shows us that in the north of England, a bag for life has a longer expectancy then the south” says retail analyst Rob Brooks.
The Mail Online stated this morning that this is due to benefit cheats and immigrants Continue reading
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Filed under Shopping
“there’s still a brief window of opportunity”
Scientists were disappointed today to find that a snake in the grass, discovered in the UK, is most likely Michael Gove, not a previously uncategorised reptile, despite some obvious similarities.
This means the total number of UK species remains at four; not including Boris Johnson.
Harold scientist Dr Rachel Guest says it’s an easy mistake for colleagues to make “Both slither along the ground in an oily manner, both cause involuntary shudders of disgust; Continue reading
Attention deficit disorder means a worried Gatlin can’t remember where he left his stash
Men’s 100m World Champion Justin Gatlin has paid a touching tribute to professional weasels and to the pharmaceutical industry.
“Without those guys I wouldn’t be where I am today.” said Gatlin, his eyes bulging; a sentiment shared by 99% of spectators in the London Stadium, most of whom would rather have seen Pol Pot’s evil twin brother win the race.
He was first rumbled as a drugs hoover in 2001 but Continue reading
Paul Dacre – “That medal should have been mine too and I’d have sung the National Anthem.”
With Mo Fara’s track career nearing its end, the Daily Mail has shrugged aside pretence and slagged-off the runner for not singing the National Anthem after winning world championship gold. Again.
“He’s as bad as f*&king Jeremy Corbyn!” screamed Editor Paul Dacre across the newsroom last night, before being sedated with a tranquiliser dart by the Mail’s anaesthetist. Again.
Some little known facts about the UK’s greatest athlete, as helpfully revealed in the Daily Mail.
It’s not widely known that Mo is short for Mohamed, which is a Muslim name.
He was born in Somalia, which is abroad, in Africa.
He has six world championship and four Olympic golds which might have been won by home-grown athletes.
“He was also given a knighthood, which should have gone to a newspaper editor. Sebastian bloody Coe got a peerage.” sobbed Mr Dacre in the recovery room.
“Shame? Nope, I’ve got no idea.”
Jeremy Hunt is baffled by a Judge’s criticism of NHS services, which included the unknown words ‘shame’ and ’embarrassment’.
“This is another example of an out of touch judiciary” said a clearly exasperated Health Secretary “using obscure words, which no one understands. I’ve asked all my colleagues and they don’t know their meaning either. Maybe he made them up, like me and NHS Continue reading
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Filed under Health, Law and Order, News, Politics
Sprinklers definitely in stock by Christmas
The sprinkler aisle of the echoing barn you mooch around peering at tools, to avoid doing any actual DIY, will be fully stocked by October half-term.
“By Guy Fawkes night at the latest.” confirmed B&Q’s marketing director, Anna Jones today. “Probably. Definitely before you throw the hose into the shed for the winter.”
Jones says a fickle public is itself to blame for various shortages “Wellington boots? Hardly get looked at in July but by December, just after we’ve sent them back, it’s all ‘My allotment looks like the Somme, Continue reading
Come on back. Your old desk still has your tear stains on it
Sacrificial anode in human form, Jeremy Hunt says he won’t resign, even though surveys show it’s the best way to make NHS work more attractive to potential recruits.
“It’s largely due to me we’ve got so many vacancies in mental health, so why would I leave?” asked the hapless Health Secretary, who genuinely has no self awareness; ironically making him an ideal subject for teaching trainee psychologists about sociopathy, if only Continue reading
Look, the answer is as plain as this £350m gold brick I’m holding
Brexiters wanting a skydiver-without-parachute EU exit have been reminded that a referendum might be the answer.
Remainer Jason Beesley from Harold says he “feels the pain” of hard Brexiters and suggests an advisory, binary, Yes/No poll might clarify what the UK public wants.
“That’s a rubbish idea.” said Continue reading
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Filed under Brexit, News, Politics, referendum
David Davis photographed when he found out he’ll still have to pay the debts
A Dunstable man going through a divorce has hired a chainsaw with which to split the family assets and he’ll start with the house itself.
“It’s got a wooden frame so it should be quite easy, as long as I don’t hit any nails” said David Davis “I assume that’s what she meant by ‘sparks are going to fly’, when I told her about it.”
Davis won’t consider a soft divorce, where everything is discussed beforehand. “I want to crash out of the marriage without any agreement, so I’ve insulted my wife and her lawyers as much as I can. My mate Boris told me that’s the best way to get what you want – which in my case is Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Brexit, idiots, News
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