Tag Archives: jeremy hunt

GPs promise to match MP’s surgery hours – 12 hours a day, 7 days a week

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Don’t blame me, I’m not in charge of Jack shit

The BMA has unexpectedly agreed to GP surgeries opening 84 hours a week – just as soon as MPs do the same.

“We were against it, when the PM first raised the idea.” said a BMA spokeswoman “But then we thought, sod it, if the MPs can open theirs 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, we’d go for it too. We were straight on the phone to Jeremy Hunt to let him know.”

“I say Jeremy Hunt; we heard he’d gone home for the weekend, so we left a message for him at the DoH. I say message; they were shut, so we left a voicemail. We haven’t heard back but Continue reading

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‘Hunt quits’ joy turns to despair. It’s Tristram, not Jeremy

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He’s the academic Hunt, rather than the demonic Hunt

A nation’s joy vanished today, as it emerged that it was Labour’s Tristram Hunt who had quit Westminster, not his namesake, the scourge of the NHS, Jeremy.

Up and down the country, shoppers and shopkeepers alike were wreathed in smiles and total strangers greeted one another like long-lost friends, then the gloom descended like a blanket.

“Do you remember watching Felipe Massa’s dad when he thought his son had won the title in 2008, but then found it had gone to Lewis Hamilton?” asked one villager in Harold today. “It was like that, only Continue reading

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NHS renames itself Bank of NHS and secures immediate government bail out

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Ker-ching!

Little wooden puppet in hell’s own version of Pinocchio, Jeremy Hunt, has today announced that the newly named Bank of NHS will be bailed out to the tune of £850 billion effective immediately. Continue reading

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Hunt caught out by winter coming just 12 months after the last one

The Prime Minister Considers His First Cabinet Reshuffle

The last winter was just 12 months ago, who knew there’d be another so soon?

Jeremy Hunt says the current NHS crisis is due to a freak meteorological event, known to scientists as ‘winter’.

The hapless health secretary, floundered around various TV studios yesterday, so that journalists and Piers Morgan could take turns to twat him with facts.

“I, err, don’t want to blind you with science” stammered Mr Hunt “but, ahem … ‘Winter is caused by the axis of the Earth in that hemisphere being oriented away from the Sun [3]’. Continue reading

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Plans to cut NHS bed-blocking by increasing death-rate ‘a bit behind schedule’ admits Hunt

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“Just a few cold snaps and they’ll be dropping like flies. Fingers crossed.”

Jeremy Hunt admits the mild winter has played havoc with his planned cash-flow patient-throughput.

“We can usually count on a couple of cold snaps by early January, and for the past few years, the Iain Duncan Smith effect,” said the failed marmalade salesman “which clears a lot of the deadwood out of the system. Plus, it frees up housing stock, most of it quite shabby. Which is good for Wickes, B&Q and DIY SOS.”

“Anyway, it’s what I like to call win-win. Like winning a general election, followed by Jeremy Corbyn winning the Labour leadership election. Which seems to be how I manage to get away with this. I still have to pinch myself from time to time, but it’s true. Amazing isn’t it?”

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“Hunt denies NHS funding deception as he hires Derren Brown”

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Now we’re going to play with this Emperor’s new ball here

“There’s no sleight of hand involved,” insisted the walking definition of ‘it’s who you know’ this morning. “But there is Derren’s trademark blend of magic, misdirection, psychology and showmanship.”

“Using it I’ve already convinced myself that I’m doing a brilliant job and that as a failed marmalade exporter I definitely know more about medicine than so-called experts. Sorry? No, nothing at all about marmalade, Continue reading

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Hunt demands a full 7-day strike from Junior Doctors

“I’ll find out who’s responsible. Someone must be in charge.”

Jeremy Hunt has misunderstood the Junior Doctors yet again, calling on them to provide a full 7-day strike later this month.

“NHS patients deserve to have their operations cancelled, whatever day they’re booked for.” said the hapless minister, who assured the public that he’s on track to achieve that by the end of 2016.

“I’ve never been one to shy away from responsibility” said the failed marmalade salesman Continue reading

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Hunt still struggling with the meaning of ‘negotiate’

Look, there it is in the dictionary, just after neglect of duty.

Look, there it is in the dictionary, just after neglect of duty.

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has apologised for his poor grasp of the English language after being advised that ‘negotiate’ does not mean ‘annihilate’.

“I was under the impression that to negotiate meant ‘to crush your opponent’,” he said, “but now they’re telling me it means something more like ‘compromise’. I’ll have to look that one up. It’s another new word to add to my vocabulary.”

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Jeremy Hunt ‘confident’ new NHS contracts will influence staff morale

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Hunt: “I’ve been listening” Junior Doctors: “The voices in your own head don’t count!”

Jeremy Hunt says his decision to impose a new junior doctors’ contract was primarily intended to make a difference to NHS industrial relations.

“When I took over from Andrew Lansley, some people in the NHS, who really should have known better, told me that staff morale couldn’t get any lower. But since then, I’ve gone that extra mile – Monday to Friday, school term times only – and proved those naysayers wrong.” Continue reading

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You can Google ‘undertakers’ too, Jeremy Hunt tells parents

This much clue

Health Secretary Jeremy “Rash” Hunt, who told parents to have a look on Google to check their children’s meningitis symptoms, has helpfully pointed out that the search engine will also provide links to a wide range of undertakers once his initial advice has been followed.

Admitting that paying for fewer doctors had unexpectedly resulted in fewer doctors to do the diagnosy stuff, Hunt drew on his years of medical experience to say: “look at photographs and say ‘my child’s rash looks like this one’.”

It was pointed out that the same parents would soon be likely to be looking at photographs of dead meningitis victims and saying: “My child’s corpse also looks like this one”, but Hunt was undeterred.

The official NHS Choices website inconveniently states that with skin rashes in children “You should always see a GP for a proper diagnosis”, but this cuts little ice with the great Hunt.

“Should the inevitable unfortunately occur,” he explained, “parents are likely to still have their browser open on Google, so checking for a local undertaker who stocks smaller size coffins should take but a moment.”

A spokesperson for the National Association of Funeral Directors said they were “very grateful, if a little freaked out” by Hunt’s statements.

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Jeremy Hunt walks out on 24 hour strike

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Wiping spittle from his chin he shouted “That way madness lies.”

In an unexpected twist to the Junior Doctors’ dispute, Jeremy Hunt has  balloted himself and after a 100%  vote in favour of industrial action,  promptly walked out on a 24 hour strike.

Standing by a brazier in Whitehall, the Health Secretary remained in the mood characteristic of his approach throughout. “Right, let’s see how they like it; those bastards will come crawling back Continue reading

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TV hypnotist makes Jeremy Hunt push Junior Doctors ‘over the edge’

“Nothing up my sleeves. Nothing between my ears”

TV viewers were shocked yesterday as they watched Jeremy Hunt, acting under the influence of illusionist Derren Brown, pushed a large proportion of Junior Doctors over the edge into strike action.

“It was awful.” said Elsie Duggan, a resident at Over-the-Hill Nursing Home in Harold. “Watching the build up, it was obvious what was going to happen. Hunt looked completely crazed, although to be fair that’s his normal look. Continue reading

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Money raised by NHS Choir charity single “will be spent on redundancy payments”

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“See this? That’s more than the public will benefit.”

Jeremy Hunt is delighted with the success of the Lewisham and Greenwich NHS Choir’s single, but says all the profits must go to the NHS, as the song was performed in NHS uniforms and filmed on NHS premises.

“But vulnerable individuals will still benefit.” assured the Health Secretary “After we take a 55% administration fee, the balance will be spent on staff redundancy payments.”

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Jeremy Cunt tells prudes ‘stop calling me Hunt’

It's 'Cunt' with a 'C' not an 'H'

It’s ‘Cunt’ with a ‘C’ not an ‘H’

Jeremy Cunt says he is sick and tired of immature prudes pretending his last name is ‘Hunt’.

“My last name is ‘Cunt’ and I have always been a ‘Cunt’” said Jeremy Cunt. “To call me ‘Hunt’ is disrespectful to me and it’s disrespectful to my parents Mike and Lyke.”

Mr Cunt said it was the 21st century and just because ‘cunt’ was slang for a vagina and also a strong term of abuse were no reasons for people to shy away from calling him ‘Cunt’.
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“Where’s all the NHS cash gone?” Asks shocked Jeremy Hunt

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Hunt tries to demonstrate how much blame attaches to him, personally

Popular Health Secretary, Jeremy Hunt is furious, after learning that his hospitals are £930m in the red in the first three months of the financial year.

“More than the whole of last year! Who the f*ck created this cock-up?” Continue reading

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Jeremy Hunt moved from hospital waiting room after fears his face would upset people from different cultures

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Hunt demonstrates how much he knows about raising staff morale

Tory Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt called the emergency services today, after his foot became jammed in his mouth whilst he explained the rationale behind cutting the pay of junior doctors.

A DoH spokesperson said “The Minister would have preferred to be treated properly, under his BUPA plan. Unfortunately, the ambulance driver became deaf en route and by mistake Continue reading

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Jeremy Hunt yet to decide on which 7 days the NHS will be open in 2016

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This is how much I value doctors

Doctors’ trade union, the BMA is confused by Jeremy Hunt’s call for a 7 day service “We expected Mr Hunt to take much longer to reduce the scope of the NHS” said BMA chair Dr Mark Porter today “but we’re hoping the 7 days are in the winter, excluding Christmas & New Year”.

Hunt is generally pleased with the number of doctors baling out of the NHS or retiring early but thinks there is more he can do. Continue reading

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Tories tackle cheap booze with exclusive A&E cocktail bars

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“Ice and slice? Or would you prefer a proper anaesthetic?”

Health minister Jeremy Hunt has pledged to tackle ‘cheap booze’, by opening high-end cocktail bars in NHS waiting rooms.

“Cheap alcohol is the bane of our accident and emergency services”, said Hunt. “So we’re going to try and upsell patients to the decent stuff.”

With waiting rooms seen as something of a captive audience, Hunt believes a choice of craft lagers and artisan gins could see hospitals finally turn a profit.

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Government worried all NHS staff aren’t yet de-motivated

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‘Even this much self-worth strikes at the very heart of Tory policies’

With a recent survey showing some NHS workers aren’t on anti-depressants, Ministers fear they might still be feeling OK about themselves.

“Staff self-esteem is much the same as C. difficile.” said a swivel-eyed Jeremy Hunt yesterday “Not something you really want to find in a hospital but succeptible to vicious, sustained attack nonetheless.”

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Hinchingbrooke management ‘hadn’t expected lots of sick people’

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“No, really. You’re welcome to it.” [Circle Holdings 2015]

Circle Holdings, the first private firm to manage a NHS hospital, says it’s upset that so many sick people took advantage of a free service “… and thus spoiled it for everyone else”.

The company is so upset that it’s decided to withdraw from Hinchingbrooke hospital but made it clear that it will continue with many other NHS deals. “Some are very profitable,” agreed Circle’s top Money-Wrangler Steve Melton “and in such cases it would clearly be unethical to let the public down.” Continue reading

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