Damning proof that Obama can read
Republican Senator Ben Sasse described the allegations as very serious. “We Republicans would never stoop so low as to read even if it’s just 140 characters – it’s just not in our DNE.”
Continue reading
Tag Archives: Barack Obama
Obama alleged to have monitored Trump with dastardly ‘reading Twitter’ ploy
Comments Off on Obama alleged to have monitored Trump with dastardly ‘reading Twitter’ ploy
Filed under Politics
Prawns sewn in curtain hems: Obama gets White House ready for Trump
Two dogs, one underside of the Resolute Desk
Uplifting symphony about to be followed by a scab-covered plague rat farting through a dented tin whistle, Barack Obama, is spending his remaining hours in power making the White House suitable for Donald Trump. Continue reading
Comments Off on Prawns sewn in curtain hems: Obama gets White House ready for Trump
Filed under International News
“Because I met my constituents” why Cameron really resigned
After this Dave couldn’t bear to talk to plebs ever again.
David Cameron has ended speculation about why he’s chosen to resign as an MP by stating it’s because he can’t cope with being in the same room as ordinary people. Continue reading
Comments Off on “Because I met my constituents” why Cameron really resigned
Filed under Politics
Nobel Peace Prize winner announces plans to bomb Syria and Iraq
He likes big bombs and he cannot lie…
In a televised address last night Barack Obama announced his Bombing for Peace plan. Revealing he means to defeat Isis and bring stability to Syria and Iraq by using the mass application of deadly violence. Over the years Obama has become ever more hawkish in his foreign policy and is now the kind of man who if you asked him if he liked bombs and drone strikes would reply “yes, I really like bombs and drone strikes” and give himself a little hug just at the mere mention of them. Continue reading
Filed under International News
Obama mistakes Stonehenge for golf course
“Where’s my bloody ball?”
“He strode out of the helicopter and asked where the first tee was” said English Heritage’s Stonehenge manager Kate Davies. “I thought he wanted a cuppa so I pointed him in the direction of the visitor centre.”
“Next thing I heard a loud bang and Obama muttering ‘bloody stones’.”
Continue reading
Comments Off on Obama mistakes Stonehenge for golf course
Filed under International News, News, Politics
President Obama pleads to be released from Wales
“It’s not fair. The worst thing that happened to George W was a pretzel.”
Currently held captive by the Nato summit Barack Obama has spoken of his despair on being trapped in South Wales.
“I was told that people here shared our language and ideals,” he said. “But why is everything ‘tidy’ and what’s the meaning of that giant red wave on the waterfront?” Continue reading
Filed under International News
Panic as Tony Blair offers to bring peace to Iraq
Will he ever go away? No, he will never go away
There was panic across the globe last night when Tony Blair slithered out from under his rock and demanded the chance to bring peace to Iraq.
“People say I did a bad job last time,” Blair said, “but that’s not true. What with the speaking engagements, consultancies and peace envoy duties I’ve gotten off the back of it I’ve made myself very rich indeed. Job well done say I.” Continue reading
Filed under International News
Archaeological find of the century: Obama’s integrity has at last been discovered
Obama in 2008. Wasn’t he just the greatest?
It was believed wrecked and lost forever but now a powerful symbol of what the United States of America can be has been found. Barack Obama’s integrity, something that dazzled the world for a few months in 2008 and 2009 has been discovered by archaeologists buried off the coast of Haiti. Continue reading
Filed under International News
Pope discovers niqab is perfect disguise when secretly feeding the homeless
Pope Francis: his first attempt at disguising himself by wearing a sheep was bobbins
Since he moved into the Vatican a year ago today there have been unconfirmed reports that Pope Francis is sneaking out at night to give food and comfort to the homeless. Cynics have wondered how a man so instantly recognisable has been able to do this undetected however the mystery has been solved by the revelation that the pope is wearing a niqab.
“It’s the perfect disguise,” said Vatican spokesman Cardinal Carlo Crivelli. “No one ever really looks at the homeless and a lot of people avert their eyes when they see a woman wearing the niqab so this is a win-win for Papa Francesco.”
Reaching out to the homeless is one of the many things about Pope Francis which unsettles his critics along with his rejection of intense papal bling, and seeming to be quite nice.
Harold resident Cassie Fine spoke for many when she said “It’s confusing having a genuinely good man as pope. It’s not that I want Pope Francis not to be but if he suddenly turned out to be a massive bastard then that would conform to my world view. I’d be relieved in the same way I was when it became obvious that Obama wasn’t going to save the world but bomb more of it. It was crap but expected just like The One Show.”
Now Pope Francis’ cover has been blown the world is waiting to see if any other religious leaders will be revealed to be carrying out good deeds in disguise prompting Paddy Power to offer odds of 5-1 that the Dalai Lama is Batman.
Energy comparison website boxes ‘too small’ complains Ukraine
Ukraine ‘never got letter from Gazprom about price increase’.
Ukraine has left angry messages on several utility comparison websites, complaining that the boxes for entering annual kilowatt hours for gas consumption are far too small.
“It was bad enough having to convert 55 billion cubic metres into kilowatt hours,” said Ukraine’s Energy Minister Yuriy Prodan, “then really annoying to find the box was too small for all the zeros.”
Uswitch and moneysupermarket.com have both replied to Ukraine, saying they are sorry the size of the boxes did not meet the customer’s expectations. “On the other hand,” said a spokesman for uSwitch, “we did point out that where it says ‘domestic usage’, the box is for a single household, not an entire sovereign nation recognised by international law.”
Comments Off on Energy comparison website boxes ‘too small’ complains Ukraine
Filed under Business, Economy, Europe, International News
US admits the NSA has been following Father Christmas for years
And they’ve been listening to Rudolph’s voice mails.
America’s National Security Agency has been plunged into fresh controversy following the revelation that it has been tracking the movements of beloved international philanthropist Father Christmas for several years.
In a multi-agency approach the North American Aerospace Defence Command (NORAD) watches every moment of Father Christmas’ famous journey across the entire globe which takes place every December 25th. Continue reading
Comments Off on US admits the NSA has been following Father Christmas for years
Filed under International News, News
Andy Murray disqualified from US Open for being a tea-drinking surrender monkey
They’ll have him back in 2015 if devolution makes him officially Scottish.
Andy Murray has been disqualified from the US Open for being a tea-drinking surrender monkey as the backlash against Britain by the United States continues.
Since a House of Commons vote on Thursday resulted in no support for the use of force against President Assad’s regime in Syria at this time, the US has had to find a new poodle to yap for it at the United Nations and relations between Britain and the US are at their lowest point since the early eighties when we opened Cats on Broadway and they shot one of the Beatles. Continue reading
Comments Off on Andy Murray disqualified from US Open for being a tea-drinking surrender monkey
Filed under International News, News, Sport
Cameron’s regret as bad back prevents him from hunting the poor
A better year: Dave and friends off to bag themselves a pauper or two.
From a cottage in Cornwall as he enjoys his fourth holiday of the summer, David Cameron has spoken of his regret that his ‘phenomenally bad back’ ruined his third holiday on the Island of Jura as it prevented him from taking part in one of his favourite sports – hunting the poor.
The Prime Minister has previously called poor hunting one of the most defensible field sports and is known to have been an enthusiast since his Eton days when he was a member of the Eton College Stalkers and regularly strode out with the school’s hounds in the pursuit of anyone whose standard of living left them marginalised and socially excluded. Continue reading
Snowden’s asylum in Russia was subject to a hetro test
Putin testing Kim Jong-il: it felt so wrong, it felt so right
NSA whistle-blower Edward Snowden has revealed that his temporary asylum in Russia was only granted after he passed a test proving his heterosexuality beyond all reasonable doubt which was personally administered by Vladimir Putin.
“While I was stuck in Sheremetyevo airport I was informed by officials that I had passed level one simply by having a super-hot girlfriend but then I was taken into a darkened sound-proofed room and told that I had to pass level two,” Snowden recalled from an undisclosed location in central Moscow. “I was told to strip, put on a pair of very small trunks and wait. I thought I was alone but once I was stood there shivering a man stepped out from the shadows. I couldn’t believe it, it was Vladimir Putin and he had a strange, almost hungry look in his eyes.” Continue reading
Comments Off on Snowden’s asylum in Russia was subject to a hetro test
Filed under International News, News, Politics
SAS deployed to cover gestation and birth of Cowell baby
Thanks to these guys none of us will miss a thing. Choice does not come into it.
The SAS have been deployed on a street in Paddington to ensure that the months leading up to the birth of Simon Cowell’s baby gets the coverage it deserves. Normally active only in the world’s trouble spots several dozen of the elite troops are now providing 24/7 footage of the door outside the Lindo Wing of St Mary’s Hospital which became the subject of global attention when Prince George, Duke of Cambridge was born on the other side of it last month.
“Nay-sayers are complaining that it’s too early,’” said an SAS Major who cannot be identified for security reasons. “But with an operation like this there’s no such thing as too soon. We’ve got boots on the ground now and that ensures we won’t miss a thing from first scan to first cry.” Continue reading
Comments Off on SAS deployed to cover gestation and birth of Cowell baby
Filed under News, Showbusiness
You must be logged in to post a comment.