Tag Archives: Badgers

by | December 19, 2013 · 7:00 am

Surprise as badgers win Person of the Year award

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“Defra can kiss my stripy arse.”

There was surprise today as the Person of the Year was revealed to be not a person but an entire species as the UK’s 288,000 strong badger population scooped the prestigious prize.

“It’s been a great year for badgers,” said Lynne Parsons, head of the judging panel. “They not only ran an effective and highly organised campaign against the badger cull which resulted in it being called off  but they also ensured that Brian May was on TV a lot which was a treat for both fans of classic rock and massive hair alike.” Continue reading →

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by | October 21, 2013 · 4:03 pm

‘One dead badger does not make you a rural community’ EU tells Harold

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The councillor’s other plan to paint all the squirrels red and get Harold declared a wildlife haven is thought to be equally doomed. It’s harder than you might think to paint a squirrel. Trust us, we know. We’re not proud of this but we do know.

A local councillor has expressed disappointment after his bid for a reduction in road fuel duty was rejected by bureaucrats in Brussels.  ‘Apparently, we’re simply not remotely rural enough,’ said Councillor Crossley.

Factors cited by Brussels in rejecting the claim were the lack of any significant distance from one place to another within the general area or any long views or muddy pathways stretching across miles of vast, open wilderness.  But mainly it was because the application was sent in late. Continue reading →

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by | October 15, 2013 · 2:21 pm

Badgers laugh their stripes off over false widow spider

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This one’s laughed so hard it’s fallen over

Badgers across the UK are currently laughing themselves moist over the panic about false widow spiders.

“It’s hilarious. The government made out that we were public enemy number one,” said Harold badger Manky Kevin. “Now you humans think a spider nip can make your cock drop off you’re not so worried about us possibly giving a few cows a bit of a cold, are you?” Continue reading →

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by | October 10, 2013 · 8:18 pm

Village to employ ex-Nazi to help with badger cull

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With the trial cull of badgers over, the company charged with ‘taking the badgers out’ have asked for some more time as their marksmen were not as good as they thought.

If more badgers are to be executed then there has been a suggestion that they should be gassed, an idea that has led the council in Harold to ask for the services of an ex-Nazi officer.
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by | October 1, 2013 · 11:00 am

Pandas, Nuns and a Goth caught up in Badger cull

PandasIt has emerged that badgers are not the only creatures being killed in the Gloucestershire cull aimed at restricting the spread of bovine TB. Statistics released last night revealed that the death toll to date includes 798 badgers, 15 giant pandas, 7 nuns, a Goth, and an abandoned piano.

Although wildlife experts were horrified at the loss of the panda colony, a Defra spokesman tried to put a positive spin. ‘This is good news,’ he said, “because we had no idea there was a flourishing panda community in the West Country. Of course, it’s probably not flourishing now, but it’s nice to know that it had been there.” Continue reading →

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by | September 8, 2013 · 10:00 am

Chaos as badger cullers stumble across a furry convention

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Let he who has never dressed up as badger, messed around with some fake weapons and then gone into the woods and boned a complete stranger cast the first stone.

There was chaos in Harold woods last night when DEFRA licensed badger cullers stumbled across a furry convention. The cullers had been engaged in the old country art of lamping (using lights to detect badgers eye shine and then shooting them) when they ran into a different kind of target.

“We were following a trail and then suddenly through the darkness I saw this massive badger, must’ve been six foot at least,” said Phil Evans, local farmer and badger culler. “And I thought ‘bugger me it’s a good job they’re culling the stripy sods if there’s giant mutant ones knocking about.’ It was only after I’d let off a couple of shots that it occurred to me that badgers don’t usually carry swords and scream ‘please no, oh my God put the gun down’ before you shoots ’em.” Continue reading →

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by | August 24, 2013 · 7:00 am

Eco Protesters are ‘A Fracking Disgrace’ says Farmer

Green or Brown?

Green or Brown?

The farmer whose field has been occupied by anti fracking eco warriors has hit out at way the protesters treated his land.

Although the protesters have been very careful to organise regular recycling collections for refuse, they have refused to use port-a-loos due to the perceived pollution risks from the toilets’ chemical cleaning agents, preferring to use ‘more natural’ disposal methods.

“It all very well that MP wiping her arse with a dock leaf in the interests of communing with nature, but the end product still has to be cleared from the hedge,” said Harold farmer, Lionel Garage. Continue reading →

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