Category Archives: News

by | November 20, 2016 · 9:34 am

Russia credits “clear air superiority over hospitals” for recent victories

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Hospital porters are no match for this puppy

Sergey Lavrov says Russia now has the upper hand in its fight against international aid workers in Aleppo.

“Frankly, Médecins Sans Frontières just didn’t turn up for the last one – it’s as if they know their un-sterilised scalpels are no match for our Su-34 strike aircraft.”

They’re ‘big men’ in their fancy operating theatres but not so high and mighty when 327 Squadron with Hospital-Buster ordnance turns that cosy scene into a theatre of war. Hah, pussies!” Continue reading →

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by | November 19, 2016 · 4:52 pm

Farron denies dozing at the controls

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Farron briefly wakes up, half way through one of his own speeches

Footage appearing to show a politician nodding off at the controls of a political party is being “urgently investigated”.

The clip, apparently captured on a mobile phone in November, was sent to the Sun ‘newspaper’. It had been recorded about eighteen months from the derailment of his predecessor’s career.

In the 30-second clip, the leader – who is not the other dozy one who was involved in the last electoral disaster – appears to drift in and out of sleep as his party trundles along towards total destruction.

He is seen apparently struggling to remain upright, and members of the public can be heard expressing shock, or asking ‘who the hell is that?’ as the party approaches the awful possibility of a snap 2017 election.

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by | · 9:08 am

Boris Johnson urges Facebook to ban fake news, whilst standing next to a bus

boris-johnson-busBoris Johnson joined the chorus of people urging Facebook and Google to ban fake news, saying it could ‘influence an election’.

“We can’t have the democratic process subverted by Facebook and Google providing a platform for obscure news websites to publish plausible sounding but completely made up stories” integrity campaigner Johnson told the Evening Harold.
Continue reading →

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by | November 16, 2016 · 3:37 pm

‘Fucknugget’ declared word of the year in honour of Brexit and Trump voters

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It comes just after “f*ck”

Oxford Dictionaries have declared ‘fucknugget’ as its 2016 international word of the year, reflecting what it called a year of “unbelievable levels of fucknuggetry”.

The word is described as an adjective relating to people unable to comprehend even the most basic of obvious consequences, despite regular warnings being explained very slowly to them, or written in large letters, in crayon.

Continue reading →

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by | November 10, 2016 · 6:55 am

America pretty sure it got drunk and did something stupid last night

Down the toilet

The American public has woken up with the bastard hangover from hell, and is pretty sure it did something badly wrong yesterday.

Emerging shakily from the nation’s bathrooms into a world that seems nauseatingly harsh and unfriendly, Americans are trying to shake off the nagging suspicion that something they did was really really stupid and is bound to have been noticed by other peoples.

“When I woke up, I had my face down the toilet, which I can’t help suspecting is a metaphor for something,” explained George Zip from Ohio.

“I had all the classic signs – feelings of shame, a throbbing head, shame.”

“Did I say ‘shame’? Oh God, the shame!”

“I staggered outside, and had that real strange feeling that people were looking at me funny – women, black, Hispanic people, all looking at my like I’d done some really really dumb thing.”

Continue reading →

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by | November 9, 2016 · 9:03 am

“Thank f*ck that’s over.” says a weary UK “Can we go back to Syria and refugees now?”

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Aggghhhhhh. Enough already. SHUT UP!

Wearied by the spewings of a malevolent, sulky troll over the past month, the UK has rediscovered its interest in Syria and migrants drowning in the Mediterranean.

“I got emotionally dulled by pictures of children covered in blood and dust.” says Harold’s Carly Jeffery “So in October, the prospect of a 24×7 reality show about an orange sociopath with anger issues Continue reading →

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by | November 4, 2016 · 2:36 pm

David Cameron confirms that he doesn’t have a care in the world

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He’s like a room without a roof

Waitrose essential olive oil in a suit, David Cameron, has confirmed that he’s having a lovely life and isn’t bothered about anything at all. Continue reading →

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by | November 3, 2016 · 11:22 am

Jacob Rees-Mogg “Yes, I do know more than the High Court about the law, actually.”

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Jacob. You can make up your own caption

Embodiment of arguments against wealth, privilege, and inbreeding, MP Jacob Rees-Mogg, says that Eton, Oxford, and a few years juggling other people’s money means he knows more than High Court Judges do about constitutional law.

Rather than spending hours in court, carefully listening to legal argument, fierce brexiter Rees-Mogg spent hours in TV studios, waiting to spout nonsense as soon as the High Court decision on triggering Article 50 was announced. So it was no surprise that he was at Sky News, already wearing his make-up, when it was. Continue reading →

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by | November 1, 2016 · 7:00 am

Protest against Orgreave enquiry decision charged down by mounted police

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Brave PC defends himself against a woman armed with beads

A group protesting Amber Rudd’s decision against an Orgreave enquiry has been flattened by a mounted troop of baton-swinging police officers.

Today’s retro cavalry-charge was “a limited, proportionate response and rather nostalgic,” a South Yorkshire Police spokeswoman explained, adding “anyway one of them looked a bit like Arthur Scargill, so they were asking for it. Continue reading →

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by | October 31, 2016 · 4:41 pm

“Hunt denies NHS funding deception as he hires Derren Brown”

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Now we’re going to play with this Emperor’s new ball here

“There’s no sleight of hand involved,” insisted the walking definition of ‘it’s who you know’ this morning. “But there is Derren’s trademark blend of magic, misdirection, psychology and showmanship.”

“Using it I’ve already convinced myself that I’m doing a brilliant job and that as a failed marmalade exporter I definitely know more about medicine than so-called experts. Sorry? No, nothing at all about marmalade, Continue reading →

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by | October 26, 2016 · 11:57 am

Boris’ opposition to Heathrow was just “an academic exercise, exploring its many benefits”

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Remember? Boris said he’d be driving one of these

“When people thought I was against it, I was running for Mayor of London but now I’m Top Kiddie at the FO and planning to stay.” Boris Johnson bumbled today, describing how his perceived opposition to a third Heathrow runway was merely him exploring its benefits for himself.

Johnson explained that protesters must, in some strange way, have got hold of the wrong end of the stick, whilst he was in fact just convincing himself how weak their argument was. “I didn’t expect anyone to think I was expressing a genuine belief though, because I don’t have any.”

“Yes I did say that I’d lie down in front of the bulldozers” Continue reading →

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by | October 25, 2016 · 12:45 pm

Labour’s Stone pays the price for standing behind Ed Miliband

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The Stone had to be clamped in place , after twice running away

Grey, dull and seemingly hewn from the solid, Labour’s massive election cock-up, Ed Miliband has cost his Party’s election Stone dearly.

In the wake of the Electoral Commission’s £20,000 fine, Labour’s Stone has spoken for the first time about its 2015 election humiliation.

“My role was to be in the background, a solid, yet effectively blank canvass, against which party policies might be clearly outlined by a human.” Continue reading →

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by | October 23, 2016 · 8:00 am

Prisons reform on hold to see if prison deaths can reduce recividism

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Liz Truss. We’ll leave you to think of your own caption

Liz Truss is waiting to see if a 27% increase in prisoner self-harm can be translated into actual deaths, before starting on reforms planned by her hapless, pasty-faced predescessor, Michael Gove.

“Signs are encouraging but one swallow of bleach doesn’t make a summer.” Continue reading →

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by | October 21, 2016 · 1:15 pm

Theresa May’s 1am speech “well received” by waiters and cleaning staff

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“I’m in Room 264. What’s your policy on withdrawal?”

For her first PM speech at the EU summit, Theresa May was given a prestigious slot, between the traditional ceremonies of “Clearing the coffee cups” and “Laying the breakfast tables”.

After thanking her hosts for the honour of “the last speech”, with time limits enforced by Nicholas Parsons, Continue reading →

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by | October 20, 2016 · 2:41 pm

Trump won’t commit to accept gravity

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Trump is on the lookout for floating voters

During the third televised presidential debate, the United States’ most popular orange wig-stand, Donald Trump, has refused to commit to accept gravity.

“I have a tremendous plan to make America float again.” said Trump last night. “Crooked Hillary’s ‘universal laws’ have held this country down for far too long. Believe me, it’s gonna be so great….”

When pressed by the moderator to confirm his acceptance of gravity, Trump declined Continue reading →

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by | October 18, 2016 · 7:00 am

UKIP refugee, Steven Woolfe upset to be refused entry to other parties

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Woolfe had to get out so quickly he had to leave his principles behind

Part-time scrapper, Steven Woolfe has been left stranded and lonely, after fleeing UKIP and not being rescued.

“I was afraid for my life after being attacked by Mike Hookem. I had to get out at such short notice I had to leave my principles behind.” said Woolfe yesterday “Astonishingly, other political parties simply rejected me.”

A tearful Woolfe appealed to Conservatives’ sense of compassion “It never occurred to me that I wouldn’t be welcomed.  Continue reading →

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by | October 14, 2016 · 7:00 am

Octopuses ‘up in arms’ at Trump groping comparison

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Gerald, in a blue period, due to the comparisons

Male octopuses say they are very respectful to females, and being linked to Donald Trump’s groping is very unfair.

Gerald the octopus says he and his friends always ask first before touching females of the species, and even then its the most gentle of caresses, not a grope.
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by | October 11, 2016 · 2:29 pm

Killer clown arrested after getaway car falls to pieces

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Remember they’re more scared of you than you are of them. Just trap them using a glass and a piece of cardboard and release them in the garden

A man dressed as a “killer clown” has been arrested by police after a brief chase that ended when his getaway car fell to pieces.

Officers were called to reports of the man terrorising children in Luton and gave chase, initially on foot, before the “clown” climbed into a small car, sounded a novelty horn, and sped away.

“We were going to get back in our car and continue the pursuit but heard a loud bang come from the getaway car.” Continue reading →

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by | October 10, 2016 · 11:05 am

Royal family must declare number of foreign members under new rules

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Foreigners seen here preparing traditional kebab dinner

Monarchists have reacted angrily to proposed new rules in which  royal families will be forced to announce how many foreigners they contain.

Government proposals for the “naming and shaming” of monarchies with high numbers of immigrant royals were designed to “promote English nobility”, but instead risk penalising hard-working Greeks or Germans who contribute greatly to our society by taking massive civil list payments, according to a spokesman from Who’s Who.

“People like Prince Philip come here looking for a better life, and who can blame them,” insisted a Buckingham Palace insider.

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by | October 9, 2016 · 9:33 am

Trump regrets ‘Make America Grope Again’ slogan

make america grope againIn a rare apology, Donald Trump has admitted that his notorious ‘Make America Grope Again’ slogan might be a bad idea.

Following the release of a tape showing Trump confessing to grabbing unwilling women’s genitalia, the Republican presidential candidate has realised that he may be on the verge of losing the crucial ‘anti sexual assault’ vote.

Trump’s apology was comprehensive, covering his entire adult life, and yet still managed to suggest that Hillary Clinton might be largely to blame.

He explained his position to an array of journalists nervously covering their private parts with their hands in the manner of English football players in a ‘wall’ defending a direct free kick.

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