Category Archives: Health

The Sun says ‘obesity crisis is sexy’ and welcomes first page 3 boy

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Jamie, 23 thinks everyone should lighten up over the NSA call-monitoring scandal. “If a powerful man, for example the President of the USA or an elderly Australian, wants to listen in on the rest of us why should we spoil their fun?”

The Sun newspaper has declared obesity to be sexy and today published its first edition with a Page 3 boy rather than the usual if increasingly controversial Page 3 girl.

“It’s a no brainer,” explained editor David Dinsmore. “As the population gets more chunky there’s more and more lads out there with cracking sets of jubblies. So we say don’t be ashamed lads, get ’em out for the er…ladies I guess. And gay blokes. The Sun is a modern newspaper we love all that now.”

“Moobs are where it’s at,” Dinsmore enthused. “Not for me, I’m not a poof, obviously. But lets be honest we’ve all been a bit blurry in the morning and seen pictures of moob pioneers like Vladimer Putin and Simon Cowell and felt a bit of a low down tingle before realising our mistake, haven’t we?” Continue reading

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Wet weather ‘linked to vaping’ claims local man

vaper

Way cooler than smoke rings.

The current spate of early morning mists, turning foggy later, followed by torrential downpours across much of Britain is directly proportional to the recent upsurge in the number of people vaping.  That was the stark warning today from Harold’s newest resident, ‘observational climatologist’ Mike Anderson.

Mike spends his day ‘hanging round and commenting on the weather’.  He is the author of ‘British Weather, An Introduction’ and his latest research centres round a noticeable increase in the number of people vaping, measured against general wetness.  ‘It is just a theory at this stage,’ he said, ‘but so was Higgs boson.’
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NHS to save billions by harvesting foreign patients’ organs – Hunt

organ-harvestingAfter earlier announcing that the NHS could save £500 million a year by charging foreign patients, Health Minister Jeremy Hunt said another £2 billion could be freed up if doctors harvested their organs.

“By charging foreigners for health care we will get the shirts off their back, which then provides easier access to their kidneys” clarified Hunt.

“My officials confirm that a number of Eastern European migrants are greedily entering the UK with two kidneys and could easily spare one to pay for routine GP visits and prescriptions. The kidneys could be on sold to China, or swapped for iPhone 5s.”
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“If I knew what I was doing I’d get a proper job” insists Jeremy Hunt

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Hunt in training to deal with awkward questions

The popular Health Secretary has told NHS pay review bodies that even the capped public sector 1% pay increase is unaffordable.

“Paying these spongers what we’ve already agreed to would cost us much more than we previously estimated, if my abacus is correct” said Jeremy Hunt, the well-known typing error.

“But once we’d fired up the Amstrad PCW8512 and crunched most of the numbers, we knew we’d dropped a right bollock.”
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‘Paedo Packaging’ to tackle teen smokers

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Could this make smoking less cool?

With research showing that graphic images on cigarette packs don’t deter teens from smoking, a new local initiative hopes to really put the willies up them.

Where pictures of blackened lungs, rotten teeth and tramps with flamboyant throat cancers have failed to take young smokers’ breath away, Harold’s ‘Paedo Packaging’ is already making many youths think twice about what they put in their mouths.

“The government has tried all sorts of initiatives to put kids off their fags”, admitted Cllr Ron Ronsson, who backs the shocking new campaign. “But until now, they haven’t harnessed the influence of celebrities.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Health

Village replaces NHS 111 number with talking to a gran

She doesn't believe you accidentally fell on the vacuum cleaner nozzle either.

She doesn’t believe you accidentally fell on the vacuum cleaner nozzle either.

Amid concerns that the NHS’s 111 non-emergency helpline is inadequately staffed and unsafe the village of Harold has replaced it with a freephone number answered by Ruby Butler, 83.

“It’s the perfect system,” said local GP, Clive Evans. “A significant proportion of those who access the NHS are time wasters. Since Ruby’s become the gatekeeper they’ve vanished faster than an X Factor winner’s career.” Continue reading

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Do you want a vegetable-free diet? Try all new ‘PorQu’

The UK's finest Vegetable substitute

The UK’s finest Vegetable substitute

Are you having trouble convincing your children to eat their vegetables? Are you a carnivore that struggles to get your recommended daily amount of meat? Are you just looking for a way to improve your evening meal? Then why not try PorQu.

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Filed under Culture, Health, Lifestyle