Author Archives: yikes28

OAP fare dodgers reform for one last job

Hatton GardensA notorious gang of elderly fare dodgers have reformed to commit a major fraud on the London transport system by catching the 9.27am Surbiton to Waterloo train without paying the before 9.30am supplement.

The fare dodgers range in age from 61 to 76, and have been responsible for a number of the UK’s biggest public transport frauds.

Ringleader Charlie ‘the Spreadsheet’ Yates, a 76 year old retired accountant from Basingstoke, learnt the fare evasion trade from father Big Mikey Yates and soon mastered the art of getting off at the last unmanned station before a major terminus and walking the rest of the way. As he got older and less able to walk the big distances, Yates pioneered the Clapham Junction ‘switch’ over the 1980s which enabled him to travel 80 miles with only a zone 2 Travelcard.
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Katie Hopkins condemns Mein Kampf as ‘an amateur work of hatred’

Katie HopkinsDespite the first edition of Mein Kampf in 70 years selling out instantly, an unimpressed Katie Hopkins condemned it as ‘derivative’ and ‘an amateur work of hatred’.

“Hitler was a one trick pony – anti-semitism was rife in Europe for 1000 years so it was hardly cutting edged hatred” spat Hopkins, who hates Muslims, fat people, fat Muslims, women, fat Muslim women, gingers, fat gingers, refugees, thin refugees, the disabled, unemployed people, fat ginger unemployed people, and Lily Allen.
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Blairites buy ice axe

ice axeThe right wing of the Labour Party say a new-found interest in mountaineering is behind their purchase of one shiny new and very sharp ice axe.

Blairite MPs Tristram Hunt, John Woodcock, and Mike Gapes say they are sick of all the infighting caused by Jeremy Corbyn’s leadership, and a trip to the mountains is just the tonic to clear their heads.
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North Korea’s hydrogen bomb test just Kim Jong-Un jumping up and down

Kim Jong-Un being primed

Kim Jong-Un being primed

North Korea’s claim to have successfully tested a hydrogen bomb is in tatters after the discovery that the resulting 5.1 earthquake is exactly what would be expected from Kim Jong-Un jumping up and down a few times.

Initially it was thought the rogue state detonated a miniature nuclear device infused with hydrogen as calculations showed an explosive force equivalent to the Hiroshima bomb. But then scientists worked out that cheese fan Kim Jong-Un could generate an equivalent force by jumping two feet in the air a couple of times.
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Islamic State regret selling execution video franchise to Disney

IS a dork

IS a dork

ISIS has slammed the new execution video as ‘too derivative’, and say they regret selling the popular franchise to Disney.

An ISIS spokesman said they were disappointed with the unimaginative casting of another Britain to replace Jihadi John, and the use of the same old tired desert location.

“Where is the creative spark, where is the character development? The gimmicky use of the child was just appalling, what next – a puppy?” said the spokesman.
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ISIS blamed for mystery New Year’s attacks leaving millions with sore heads

The unimaginable horror

The unimaginable horror

Despite thousands of police patrolling all major European cities, ISIS has managed to carry out coordinated attacks using a mystery disabling substance that left millions of revellers incoherent and with sore heads.

Reports across Europe painted similar pictures of the horrifying devastation caused by the attacks, with scores of incapacitated people suddenly believing they COULD dance to that Taylor Swift song, or it was EXACTLY the right time to ring their ex and slur how much they luvvved them.
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Time ‘Person of the Year’ sees Tony Blair ranked 7,399,999,998th

Blair happyTime magazine has announced Tony Blair has come 7,399,999,998th in its ‘Person of the Year’ award, just ahead of Katie Hopkins and Bill Cosby.

Mr Blair is said to be ‘delighted’ to have climbed two places since last year.
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David Cameron discovers ‘North’

David Cameron puts on a 'North' face

David Cameron puts on his ‘North’ face

An astonished David Cameron has found a direction called ‘North’.

“I’d heard about it in Smiths’ songs, but never for one moment thought it was real. My moral compass only showed a ‘South’” explained the Prime Minister.
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‘Just one more sleep till Midnight Mass’, say excited children

excited childExcitement amongst children is reaching fever pitch as they realise it is just one more sleep before Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve.

“I’ve been waiting for this all year” said Simon Evans, aged 9, from Harold. “I get to spend time with my family and friends, smell the incense, and sing some carols. But best of all, I get to stay up late and hear more about Jesus.”
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DWP force obese 900 year old man to do worldwide parcel delivery job

father christmasThe DWP has ruled an obese 900 year old man ‘fit to work’, and fully capable of delivering millions of parcels on Christmas Eve.

Department of Work and Pensions spokesperson Neville Satan defended the health and disability assessment ruling, saying the organisation scrupulously applied the standard ‘is the person dead?’ test to their Northern client.

“Mr Claus may be 900 years but he managed to the parcel delivery job last Christmas” said Mr Satan. “He’s done sod all since then so as far as we are concerned it’s back to work you fat, lazy bastard.”
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Lord Janner dies after being sick for 40 years

JannerLord Janner, the former Labour peer and MP accused of child sexual abuse, has died aged 87.

The peer had been accused of 22 historic sex offences against boys, with the allegations spanning 4 decades. After a prolonged legal process, Lord Janner was this month ruled unfit to stand trial to sighs of relief from the Crown Prosecution Service and the Establishment in general.
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Grave fears for Daily Mail’s editor as twelve hours pass without Jeremy Corbyn smear

DacreDaily Mail editor Paul Dacre is missing, presumed dead, after no Jeremy Corbyn smears have been published for over 12 hours.

The absence of Corbyn smears for that length of time was very out of character for the Mail, according to police spokesman Edwin Wallis.
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Katie Hopkins outraged by Donald Trump’s ‘respected columnist’ slur

Do I look like a 'respected columnist?'

Do I look like a ‘respected columnist?’

Katie Hopkins is furious Donald Trump called her a ‘respected columnist’ instead of her proper title ‘Queen of intolerant bile’.

Hopkins, who hates everyone, said ‘respected columnist’ made it sound like she writes for the Times, or worse still, the Guardian.

“I don’t ‘write’, I spit out bile into a receptacle known as the Daily Mail”, frothed Hopkins.
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Syrians ask for national flags on bombs so they know who to thank

ukbomb

Morning!

Grateful but confused Syrians say national flags painted on bombs would make it easier to work out which liberating power to thank.

“We just can’t keep up with all the different countries that are sharing their bombs with us. It’s like when you don’t save the little cards on present wrapping-paper” said multiple bomb recipient Hamza Ali.

“A flag painted on the bomb would make it so much easier. Perhaps even design them so they whistle your national anthem as they help clear away our superfluous hospitals and schools.”
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Public advised to avoid dangerous attacks by standing in front of Chelsea strikers

Just make sure you don't die laughing

Just make sure you don’t die laughing

The only way for the UK public to be completely safe from dangerous attacks is to stand in front of Chelsea strikers, preferably in the goal, according to Metropolitan police chief Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe.

“Today’s Leytonstone station attack shows that the risk of terror attacks remains very high. The best way to be safe from attack is to position yourself in front of the Chelsea strikers as near to the goal as possible. Standing near Chelsea’s toothless midfield is also quite a good option” said Sir Bernard.
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Syrian children devastated pro-bombing Labour MPs feel bullied

boy rubbleSyrian children are very upset that pictures of them injured and covered in rubble have caused such distress to 66 pro-bombing Labour MPs.

“It’s just awful those MPs feel bullied and upset as the result of my thoughtlessness in going to the playground with my brother and sister just before the missile hit” said Ahmed, aged 11, as he wiped a tear and some bomb dust from his eye.
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Corbyn condemns use of violence in Tyson Fury’s heavyweight title win

Corbyn shareJeremy Corbyn says Britain should have obtained the World Heavyweight Boxing title through non-violent means, such as diplomacy or Frank Bruno.

“I accept by using Tyson Fury, Britain has won the world heavyweight crown, but at what cost? Innocent civilians had to listen to him sing an Aerosmith ballad” said Corbyn.
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Grieving cat owner criticised for not feeling sad about other people’s dead pets

Forever in my heart Miffy

Forever in my heart Miffy

Grieving Harold cat owner Julie Kettle’s decision to use a photo of her cat Miffy as her Facebook profile picture has seen her be criticised for ignoring and not being sad about other people’s dead pets in Beirut and Baghdad.

Miffy, a tabby cross of uncertain parentage, was tragically killed last Saturday when crushed by a large crate of halal meat that fell from a passing truck. A distraught Ms Kettle changed her Facebook profile picture to show Miffy, and added a post saying “My beautiful tabby baby – forever in my heart. RIP Miffykins.”
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Man has guilty Britain First thought

Gutter poppyA local man admitted the French terror attacks caused him to have Britain First thoughts, which even a cold shower and pizza wouldn’t shake.

In what was probably a common reaction throughout the UK, Harold café owner Dominic Delaney said the horrific nature of the Jihadist attacks made him feel angry and powerless, and his immediate reaction was that Muslims be banned from entering Britain.”
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Queen puts Corbyn at ease at swearing in ceremony with ‘while you’re down there’ quip

Corbyn meets QueenJeremy Corbyn’s Privy Council swearing-in proved to be less frosty than envisaged thanks to the Queen quipping ‘while you’re down there sonny’ as he knelt before her.

Royal protocol is that new Privy Councillors kneel before the Queen and lightly kiss her hand, and there was concern staunch Republican Corbyn wouldn’t play ball.
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