Author Archives: Max C-F

Shadowy Windsor family exposed in multi-generational benefit scam

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Brown envelopes seem more appropriate but Bacs transfer will have to do

Whilst her former flunkey, Ronald Harper begins a five-stretch, over a trifling £100K bung, 90 year-old Elizabeth Windsor has dodged prosecution again, despite pocketing that amount and more, weekly, for over sixty years.

Based on nothing more than Mrs Windsor popping out of the right vagina in the early 20th century, a web of her relatives, many of them German or Greek immigrants, has taken advantage of the UK’s generous social security system ever since. Continue reading

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2016 refusing to rule out further bad behaviour

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Big sparkly git

An unrepentant 2016 says it may continue being an utter twat-puffin until the very last seconds of December 31st just for the hell of it.

“Am I the worst of the post-war years?” it mused. “Well maybe, although 1984 will always be in with a shout as that’s the year McCartney released the Frog Chorus.” Continue reading

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DWP blames its war on the vulnerable on being haunted by the ghost of IDS

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Ghost IDS is thorough, it even haunts the signs

The DWP has slashed funds for homeless hostels and supported housing for disabled people but claims it has no choice as their head office is haunted by an evil spirit that will only tolerate the persecution of those most in need.

“It’s chaos here and bloody terrifying,” a civil servant told us. “Ghost IDS stalks the corridors at night casting evil dust abroad. When you arrive the next morning and try to be compassionate all the computers have a bazzy and the fire alarm goes until something horrific is entered into the system.” Continue reading

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Idiots can’t cope with idea of pressing 4 instead of 1 to watch cake show

Programme Name: Great British Bake Off - TX: n/a - Episode: n/a (No. n/a) - Embargoed for publication until: 13/08/2013 - Picture Shows: Paul Hollywood, Mary Berry - (C) Love Productions - Photographer: Des Willie

Two white people, Union Flags and fattening food. There’s enough here to keep Guardian columnists fretting for weeks.

The nation is being rent asunder by howls of outrage as people try to grasp the concept of watching a TV show on another channel.

“I just can’t do it,” said local Bake Off fan Jane Hough. “Switching to four instead of one, what fresh hell is this? That’s the whole thing ruined for me now. I won’t watch at all, it’s easier.” Continue reading

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“Because I met my constituents” why Cameron really resigned

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After this Dave couldn’t bear to talk to plebs ever again. 

David Cameron has ended speculation about why he’s chosen to resign as an MP by stating it’s because he can’t cope with being in the same room as ordinary people. Continue reading

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Bono proclaims he will heal Labour

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Rejoice for He is among us

There is relief today as having heard the cries of a people suffering without an Opposition, Bono has descended and promised to fix this heaving shambles pronto, like.
“No more division. All is needed is one beautiful, humble voice. It’s time for Bono, let Him speak,” said Bono. “Guys, I feel your pain and just like Africa I will heal it.” Continue reading

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Everything to be in black and white as Tories drag country back to the forties

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We’re going to need a lot more hats

Theresa May has announced that the UK will be entirely monochrome from now on to match the government’s policies of there not being an NHS and kids getting written off at eleven if they can’t get into grammar school.

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Even Daily Mail readers acknowledge Brexit as a shit sandwich

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But the bus, oh the bus was beautiful. Surely something that pretty cannot lie?

As Theresa May says no way to Brexit promises on immigration and the NHS while leaders at the G20 summit queue up to tell her they’d rather trade with some ducks and a pie than Britain, even Daily Mail readers are realising that Brexit is bobbins. Continue reading

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Washing machine salesmen called Jim distance themselves from Keith Vaz

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The party’s certainly started now, eh Keith?

Keith Vaz, Chair of the Home Affairs Committee currently reviewing laws on prostitution and soliciting, has sent shockwaves through the industrial supplies sales industry by telling two male prostitutes he was about to play nug-a-nug with that he sold massive washing machines to hotels and was called Jim. Continue reading

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“I was a young wizard who defeated the White Witch”: angry Clegg denies new book is full of lies

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It’s true. He’s got the scar and everything.

A furious Nick Clegg has taken to social media today to refute allegations that his new book Between the Extremes is less credible than the guy who works down the chip shop who swears he’s Elvis. Continue reading

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Nicolas Sarkozy demands Disneyland Paris be shifted to Britain

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Va te faire foutre, souris de merde!

Shouty gnome on a mission to make everything at least twelve per cent more dreadful, Nicolas Sarkozy, has made a speech calling for Disneyland Paris to be moved to the other side of the Channel. Continue reading

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Theresa May acting like Tudor monarch as six wives and terminal syphilis disclosed

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Hasn’t she let herself go since becoming PM?

Following allegations over her behaviour in not allowing MPs a vote on Brexit, Theresa May has confirmed that she is exactly like a Tudor monarch in that she’s had six wives, and, as well an incurable sexually transmitted disease, also possesses a demented penchant for composing crap yet catchy songs upon a lute, and executing former BFFs. Continue reading

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Locals ostracised for not really caring about French burkini ban

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At least it distracts us all from the fact we’ve broken the planet

Harold is divided this evening as a small group of villagers have declared that they’re not massively absorbed by the ongoing row in France over women wearing burkinis.

“Of course it’s horrible that some women have been hassled and humiliated by the police,” said local mechanic Sean Pavey. “But I just don’t feel the need to tweet and post about it constantly. Doesn’t mean I’m not bothered just means I’m not that bothered. And I think that that should be okay.” Continue reading

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“Have you tried writing lies on buses?” Farage campaigns for Trump

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O, thou scabrous reptile, thou cream-faced loon, thou pussy toad

2016 tightens its grip on the title of Most Batshit  Year There’s Been with the news that mendacious bigot, Nigel Farage, appeared at a rally with mendacious bigot, Donald Trump. Leaving many to wonder what they could possibly have in common.  Continue reading

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GCSEs piss easy claims anyone who last sat an exam twenty years ago

Looks tense but did you know GCSEs in 2017 were only ten minutes long?

GCSEs are officially less challenging than pulling a greasy stick out of a dead dog’s arse according to everyone who’s forgotten what taking exams is like. Continue reading

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Disappointment as ‘war’ between Boris Johnson and Liam Fox doesn’t involve bloodshed

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Gunnery Sergeant Hartman would reject this war face

There was sadness across the nation this morning as everyone realised that the much hyped ‘war’ between Boris Johnson and Liam Fox isn’t proper and that neither of them are going to get so much as paper cut . Continue reading

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Breathless nation waits for Redgrave to off Inverdale

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Go on, big fella, fuck him up

The greatest story of the Rio Olympics is unfolding outside of any contest as everyone waits for Sir Steve Redgrave, legendary Olympian, to end patronising cock-rat in cheap slacks, John Inverdale. Continue reading

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“Jeremy Corbyn turned Rio pools green,” says Guardian

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*shakes fist* “Corbyyyyyyyn!”

In a blistering editorial the Guardian today claims that the only possible for reason for the swimming pools at the Rio Olympics to have turned green is because “Jeremy Corbyn’s made them all bollocks like demonstrating his unfitness to lead the Labour Party and offering further proof that he’s a massive, massive git-whistle.” Continue reading

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C.S Lewis joins Strictly Come Dancing line-up

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He’s got the music in him

Veteran Christian apologist and creator of that faun that got everyone a bit moist in the film adaptation, C.S Lewis, has been confirmed as a contestent on this year’s Strictly Come Dancing.

“It’s a real coup for us,” said executive producer Louise Rainbow. “Lots of people know C.S Lewis as one of the greatest minds of the twentieth century who really got to the heart of who we are with books like The Problem of Pain and The Screwtape Letters. What they may be surprised to learn is that he can rumba like a bastard.” Continue reading

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Corbyn to try turning Labour off and back on again

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“Maybe one of the kids knows how to work this thing. Anyone got a number for Owen Jones?”

Professor Yaffle after a hard night on the Buckfast, Jeremy Corbyn, is today going to turn the parliamentary Labour party off and on again it the hope that’ll make it function as an effective opposition once more. Continue reading

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