The Royal Wee?
It’s been quite a week for the Duchess of Cornwall and her growing collection of white accessories. First she was given a used sweatband at Wimbledon by Andy Murray; and yesterday she was given one of little Princess Charlotte’s nappies at her Sandringham christening.
From all accounts, the Duchess has been collecting whites for many years, but this only came to public knowledge last week when the Scottish tennis star threw his sweatband into the Royal Box and a delighted Camilla popped the sweaty item into her handbag. Apparently, the only criteria for items to qualify for her collection are that the items should be white (or white-ish) and to have been used by a notable person.
Prince Charles has been long aware of his wife’s unusual hobby and gave her a set of Queen Victoria’s bloomers as a wedding gift to accompany a pair of underpants of Prince Albert which Camilla has framed above the mantelpiece in her Highgrove House dressing room. Continue reading
Andy Murray, with his trademark look of despair.
Andy Murray felt an immediate pang of regret, after giving away his tennis racquet to one of his 3 million Facebook followers.
“I’ve just realised that I’m going to need it again”, said Murray. “It’s quite important, because it’s what I use to hit the balls.”
Murray spent the afternoon trying to buy it back on ebay, but was shocked at how much it was now ‘worth’.
Current racquet owner Terry Hodges explained why it meant so much to him.
“I’ve always been a Murray fan, I’ve followed his career closely from his amateur days, so to win this was like a dream come true. I’ve set the reserve at £5,000.”
The horror! The horror!
It hasn’t happened since July 1996 however latest research shows that people’s biggest Wimbledon worry is still the threat of Cliff Richard bursting into song.
“I know there’s heightened security around for other reasons,” a denizen of Murray Mound who gave his name only as Yoda told us, “but for most of us the greatest concern is the weather. Every time there’s a cloud in the sky I feel my stomach tighten. Cloud leads to rain, rain leads to Cliff, Cliff leads to suffering.” Continue reading
Fans of Andy Murray’s new wife, Kim, breathed a collective grunt of relief at the news that the BBC has secured the terrestrial TV rights to show the players’ girlfriends, relatives and assorted celebrities whilst they are watching the tennis at Wimbledon.
Acclaiming the news as a major coup, Barbara Slater, BBC Sport Director, said “Whilst we are obviously disappointed that our bid of £15 and dinner with Claire Balding was considered insufficient to retain the rights to cover the tennis itself, we are delighted to be able to continue the coverage of the tennis players’ sweethearts and pushy mothers. Most viewers will hardly notice the difference.” Continue reading
Just give it time…
Wimbledon organisers are preparing for the end of an era this fortnight, as looming independence for Scotland has the unintended effect that everyone’s favourite joke about Andy Murray may not work any more.
The traditional “Andy Murray reverts to being Scottish” joke has been sighted every year since the plucky Scotsman first began losing at Wimbledon. The joke is a clever play on the fact that prior to losing, Murray is often referred to in the media as ‘British’, but after being defeated he is likely to be labelled ‘Scottish’, which is so amusing that pointing it out never gets tiresome.
It is traditional to wait several minutes after Murray is knocked out of Wimbledon before posting the joke on Facebook. Over the last few years, the joke has been ingeniously tweaked and subtly twisted to maintain its freshness, as seen in recent outings: “Murray reverts to being Scottish” (2012), “Murray reverts to being Scottish” (2011) and “Murray reverts to being Scottish” (2010). Continue reading
Ivan Lendl: the absolute personification of jolliness
Andy Murray has split with Ivan Lendl the coach under whose guidance he won both Wimbledon and Olympic gold saying that Lendl simply wasn’t “miserable enough”.
“I just can’t handle it anymore,” Murray told reporters. “Twice already this year Ivan’s smiled during a coaching session and, though he denies it, I swear I once heard him chuckle when he was talking to his wife on the phone.” Continue reading
After me, everyone! ‘We’re all going on a Summer holiday…’
Just in time for tonight’s celebrations, an amateur DJ from the village of Harold has unveiled what people are already calling the ‘perfect New Year’s Eve song’, by mixing up the melody from Cliff Richard’s popular classic The Millennium Prayer with the words from obscure poem Auld Lang Syne by little-known Scottish poet Robert Burns.
‘It was one of those things that just click,’ explained 46-year-old R. M. Renfield. ‘I was listening to the Cliff song – what a classic – and I just thought, great though these lyrics are, let’s think the unthinkable and see what it sounds like without them. Now, this is going to sound hard to believe, but I had a recording of someone reciting this old Scottish poem, Auld Lang Syne, it’s called, I think that’s Gaelic, and I had this sudden inspiration – why not mix them up? And my God, it sounded good, they could have been made for each other!’ Continue reading
Acknowledged as one of the all time greats, Nelson Mandela has retired after a glorious career.
Widely tipped to last the Wimbledon fortnight, it was a shock when the South African finally caved in after a marathon struggle which the entire world watched breathlessly from the edge of their seats. Continue reading
Filed under Politics, Sport
Murray assumes position for knighting himself
Andy Murray has spoken out for the first time about the unseemly ‘tug of love’ between David Cameron and Alex Salmond, which is tearing Britain’s favourite tennis player apart.
With Cameron pledging a knighthood and an open offer of cucumber sandwiches in Number 10’s rose garden, Salmond has hit back with a gift of 1,400 acres of Scottish coastline.
“It might seem a bit extravagant, but nothings too much for Scotland’s favourite son”, said Salmond. “There’s plenty more where that came from, if he should ever fancy owning his own loch.”
Not to be outdone, Cameron has promoted Murray in the line to the throne. He’s moved from 1,456,005th to third in just 48 hours.
Our precioussss. It’s our birthday and we wants him.
David Cameron has confirmed that earlier this morning Andy Murray was formally offered asylum in England to save him from the threat of Scottish independence.
“We have been worried about this young man for some time,” said Cameron. “It started when he won the U.S Open only to increase as he went on to win Olympic gold and Queen’s. Yesterday’s triumph at Wimbledon served only to confirm that he must remain British.” Continue reading
Now the tennis is over the Wombles are struggling to give the All England Club a post-tournament clean due to cutbacks.
“The government said we had to become a profit-making service,” said spokeswomble Tobermory. “Wombles work as a team, Wombles are tidy and Wombles are clean but since we were forced to stop volunteering and make coin we’ve been shafted right up the Harry Hamster.” Continue reading
10.45 Hi tennis fans! Welcome to the Evening Harold live blog for today’s ‘action’ at Wimbledon. We’re expecting several over-privileged posh twats on court today, and hopefully at least a few hilarious hissy little fits.
11.00 Not long to wait now. We’re on Court no.1, where the reek of smugness is already radiating off the crowd. Some are wearing ‘fun’ hats, others are tucking into strawberries. Lovely. What a delightful group of tennis aficionados, as opposed to ‘stupefyingly dull pricks’ that Neil from Derby has just suggested by text message. Steady on Neil, you sound like a communist.
11.20 At last it’s time for the official warm-up session, where members of the public practice looking surprised when they’re picked up by the TV cameras. A coach is showing them how to master the ideal combination of delight and embarrassment, without slipping into crude, sexually suggestive hand gestures.
Matt from Surrey tweets: Come on Tim!
11.30 A small man dressed like Alan Partridge has climbed into a massive children’s high chair. Christ knows how much he paid for that ticket. The perverted little freak.
11.32 Boris Becker is next door, practicing doing his German accent. You’re not fooling anyone you know, Boris. You’re ginger for fuck’s sake.
At least in Afghanistan there’s less chance of being caught up in a sing-a-long.
The Chancellor, George Osborne, will today announce the latest Spending Review in Parliament which will detail £11.5bn of cuts to Whitehall budgets. One of the more controversial aspects of this plan is the disbanding of the Royal Marines and their replacement with Wimbledon ball boys.
“The Royal Marines hold a unique position both in the military, and in public affection,” said Osborne. “They are incredibly effective at what they do and incredibly well-trained. Unfortunately they are also incredibly expensive.” Continue reading
Murray may compromise by finishing second
Britain’s Scottish tennis star Andy Murray has revealed that he’s torn over whether to win Wimbledon just yet.
Hero Murray, who last year won an Olympic gold for a country, explained that winning Wimbledon was a ‘difficult decision’ that shouldn’t be taken too lightly.
“There’s a lot of emotion around this, and I don’t want to be hasty”, said Murray. “If I do decide to win, it should be for economic reasons.” But Scottish hardliners have accused him of sitting on the fence, or whatever it is ‘Sassenachs use down there in the middle of the court’.
Filed under Politics, Sport