Ironically, it’s the only union she didn’t try to break.
In a dramatic (and slightly gruesome) turn of events, former UK Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher has risen from the dead to wade into the battle to save the Union.
As polls show the pro-independence campaign taking the lead for the first time, Tory chiefs have made the momentous decision to deploy their ultimate weapon: the Thatchernator.
Using the dark arts of necromancy and voodoo, which many of the upper House are experienced practitioners of, Better Together leaders claim they had ‘no choice’ but to reanimate their dead leader.
Erection in her honour
Supporters of the deceased ex-Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher have proposed the erection in her honour of a mile-high memorial pyramid, visible from space, made from pure gold and shining with the light of a thousand suns.
“We’d originally planned a library,” explained former Conservative chairman Lord Tebbit, but that felt a bit rubbish and prone to closure, and one thing sort of led to another.”
The newly-formed “Cherish Freedom Trust” has announced that it wants the pyramid, which will be based in, and cover most of, central London, “to bring Margaret Thatcher’s legacy, values and achievements to life for the wider public, and to be a true heritage resource where schoolchildren, historians and millions of ant-like insignificant specs of humanity can come and pitifully kneel and ideally keep the structure well-cleaned with their tongues.”
Arguments are raging over the choice of design, with possible plans including a gargantuan handbag, a colossal glinting phallus, or a pyramid.
Suggestions that the mighty edifice could be paid for out of the huge tax cuts recently gifted to Britain’s elite were dismissed as “expensive” by corrupt tax-avoiding bastards this morning. Instead, the original Egyptian construction model is looking favourite, in which the revolutionary use of rollers meant that mighty blocks of stone could be moved by ordinary workers without undue cost. The entirety of Britain’s walking unemployed are to be given the mandatory opportunity to gain valuable work experience through unpaid ‘apprenticeships’ pulling ropes, while the stubborn disabled whom even ATOS are unable to make stand up are to provide valuable service as the rollers.
Mine’s ‘a large one’
Angry villagers have launched a powerful and overly complex protest against Thatcherism, by excavating a coal mine deep below Harold.
Working 10-hour shifts in appalling conditions, the group has so far dug over 13 miles of tunnels by hand. With stifling heat and deadly methane to contend with and no practical civil engineering experience between them, the list of casualties grows by the day.
Phil Evans thinks it’s worth it. Wearing a fruit-bowl with a bicycle lamp taped to it and carrying a gas-detecting bantam chicken, Evans looks every inch the icon of working class struggle.
It has been confirmed that a minutes silence will be observed before Harold Thursday’s game on Saturday as a mark of respect following the passing of Teresa Macster, the first female Mayor of Harold, known locally as the Ironing Lady on account of the fact that she ran a laundry business in the village.
‘Mrs Macster never really understood sport,’ said club chairman Billy McKean, ‘but this club owes her a great debt as she chose to sell off the cricket ground, rather than the football field, which guaranteed our pathetic survival to this day.’ Read more here…
Warning; This boy may harm you and others around you.
BBC Radio 1 have today had to deny claims they are being cruel and insensitive, and refused to back down from a decision to play the music of Justin Bieber. The move comes as people who remember the 1980’s and early 1990’s mourn the death of decent music.
The BBC in defending their position have told us they ‘have a duty to play the music people are buying, even if those people are under the age of 16 and have no idea what they are talking about.’
However, not everyone has been critical of the BBC. Sally Moody from the ‘OMG Justin Bieber, We Love You’ fan club told us “the BBC should play Justin all day ‘cos he is lush. Continue reading
Teresa Macster, known locally as the Ironing Lady, has died at the age of 87.
With her trademark handbag and ironing board, Teresa was one of the great characters of the village combining her bustling ironing business with the arduous role of Mayoress of Harold, the first woman to be elected in this position.
In her heyday, Teresa was a formidable leader, applying the same criteria to council officials as she did to laundry by separating them into “Wets” or “Drys”.
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