Former Prime Minister Tony Blair has been embarrassed by the discovery of a fully-functional set of thumbscrews in his hand luggage for a flight to the US, it emerged today.
Already facing criticism for his role in enabling the torture of British citizens in Guantanamo Bay, the discovery could not have come at a worse time for Blair.
It has recently been discovered that Blair and former Foreign Minister Jack Straw instructed our embassies to send British citizens to Guantanamo, even after knowing about US torture there.
These revelations have been damaging, but no-one expected Blair to be playing such an active role in the actual torturing.
Filed under News, Tony Blair
The sight that met Lucy when she returned home
Harold’s well-known organic farmer, Ted Evans regrets locking up his stable last Friday , after his horse was startled by an oddly-shaped carrot and galloped off, in what seemed to be a bid for free-range status.
“It were wicked cold on Friday night, well below minus 10 in fact.” says Evans “When I let the dogs out the next morning, I found old Lucy frozen solid to the concrete, just inches away from her heated stall. I could even see faint hoofy scratch marks on the stable door and her little nose was still stuck to the handle.” Continue reading
Jeremy Corbyn has hit the music scene with what critics say will be this year’s Christmas Number One.
A fabulous video now out of the kindly pensioner singing Happy Birthday Dear Katie has taken the UK by storm.
Harold media analyst Dr Lizzie Phillips says ‘out-of-tune’ is the new black. “He’s very popular. I’d definitely put a fiver on him winning X-factor.”
The video was tastefully shot in Cockermouth, showing Jeremy and Katie hugging in the cold air, surrounded by festive sand-bags.
Dr Kelly? Nope. That’ll be £60,000. £50,000 for cash
Former Prime Minister Tony Blair, suffers from advanced ‘dementia-like’ symptoms, including memory loss and delusions of grandeur, could not recall a Dr Kelly or why the UK went to war in Iraq and had little concept of a moral or political philosophy, medics have found.
“You don’t need a weatherman…”
David Cameron could be getting in a muddle as he flits back and forth between the Climate Change Conference in Paris and earnest war-mongering efforts in London.
Fears that he is over-stretching his mind were not allayed on Monday night when he called for a Commons vote to change the Syrian climate.
“The problem is, he’s got his head in too many places at the same time,” said one commentator.
Filed under bombs, environment, Europe, floods, ice, International News, Labour, Nature, Politics, War, Weather
Excuse me while I let this off…
Prime Minister Cameron has sent all MPs back to their homes and constituencies this weekend with clear instructions to examine their own consciences about the exciting prospect of bombing the shit out of Syria.
“It’s diplomatic language,” explained a spokesman for Number Ten. “Most of the male members [of The Commons] haven’t got a clue how to think straight and reason with logic, especially if they try to fit it in while watching Match of the Day.
“Their wives, on the other hand, have very clear views, often expressed in a tone of voice that obviates the need for further discussion, while cooking dinner, sorting the laundry, helping the kids with their homework and planning the Christmas seating arrangements.”
“Hopefully,” he concluded, “they’ll all come back here on Monday morning, eager to toe the line, or risk hanging their members [their penises] out to dry for the foreseeable future.”
In a move hardly likely to leave Jihadist terrorist squads quaking in their suicide belts, David Cameron has put the tortoise-like Sir John Chilcot in charge of the rollout of the so called rapid deployment brigades which would be equipped to react immediately to Parisian style attacks.
Although Chilcot, whose report into the ill-fated Gallipoli campaign is keenly expected any day, was believed to be comatose, his press spokesman said that Sir John would be delighted at the news and would get things underway ‘as soon as possible’, but certainly within five years once he had been able to have a nice chat with Tony Blair. Continue reading
Pensioner Rod invokes the horror of war
There was a collective sigh of relief at this evening’s annual Festival of Remembrance when the traditional two minute’s silence finally commenced after the onslaught of the ‘popular’ songsters introduced to bring the 1914-18 Great War bang up to date.
It’s not often that the start of the solemn moment is met with a cheer from the audience at the Royal Albert Hall however the pain and suffering inflicted by the bombardment of howitzers from Pixie Lott and Rod Stewart took many onlookers back poignantly to the horrors of trench warfare and the cease fire brought about by the silence was greeted with much the same delight as the signing of the Armistice all those years ago. Continue reading
But is it rubbish?
Cleaners at a museum in Italy were left red-faced today after mistakenly leaving a huge pile of mess from a party, after mistaking it for a modern art installation.
The empty champagne bottles, confetti and pieces of paper did look like a confronting modern exhibit meant to represent the decadence of 1980s Italy, characterised by hedonism and consumerism, but were in fact merely a pile of old crap. Continue reading
“… whenever wealth or privilege are threatened”
The government defeat in the House of Lords has revealed a humble tunesmith’s status as international superhero, fearlessly parachuting in to vote whenever wealth or privilege are threatened.
Born plain Andrew Lloyd Webber, Baron Lloyd-Webber of Sydmonton struggled to come up with the tricky third name that hadn’t already been used, after learning there were no Puccini operas with superheroes he could rip off. Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
Corbyn’s mission is to save the planet from Tories
Jeremy Corbyn, the latest regeneration of the Labour Party leader, has become known as ‘The Doctor’ within the corridors of Labour Central Office for his eccentric behaviour and general unworldliness.
“It started as a bit of a joke because of his likeness to the actor Peter Capaldi and his dislike for wearing a tie” a Labour insider revealed, “but we soon realised that the similarity went beyond his appearance, thanks to his bizarre statements and unintelligible policies.”
“For instance,” continued the bemused insider, “as I was passing the Tardis – as his office is known – I’m almost certain I overheard Jeremy likening Ian Duncan-Smith to a Sontaran who could only be controlled by the evil Davros; and it is common knowledge that he believes the Queen is a Weeping Angel.” Continue reading
Nothing to see here – photo released by Shell showing oil rigs all gone
The oil giant Shell has announced that its controversial drilling operations off Alaska will stop ‘until everyone has forgotten what evil bastards we are’.
Initial tests had uncovered greater than expected levels of public hatred, the company explained, and therefore the search for oil and gas in the region would be halted ‘forever, or until you all stop watching us, whichever comes first’.
A spokesman for Greenpeace expressed delight at the decision, adding that they would now shift their focus to other endangered areas of the planet, a move which Shell welcomed. Continue reading
Lovely, just leave me here, thanks.
Following a successful trial in Cambridgeshire yesterday where police left a motorcycle crash victim lying in a ditch for hours, the service is to be rolled out nationwide, it was announced today.
Inspired by the NHS non-emergency advice number 111, the new 000 service will allow the public to alert the police that something bad has happened, but that they are happy to be left in a ditch for a few hours if the police are too busy harassing Muslim school children and searching black teenagers.
Yesterday’s crash victim, managing a feeble wave from a police wheelbarrow after his eventual collection, said he was “thrilled” to be part of the successful trial. Continue reading
Trust me, I’m in Big Pharma
Martin Shkreli, boss of eye-watering price-hikers Turing Pharmaceuticals, says they’ll drop the price of Daraprim, which they acquired in August, after Aids patients got a bit too loudly.
“Look, they’re Aids patients – always whining about something. OK, if going from under £10 to almost £500 in a month was a bit sudden, we’ll drop it a little. We can crank it up again later. Because we’re shits.”
Cameron in happier times, poised to spring
After shocking revelations of bestiality again swept the government, David Cameron has insisted that the incident when he put his penis into the mouth of a dead pig was merely part of an explanation of his future plans for the UK.
The porcine molestation, which occurred at a dining club at Oxford University, has been seen by many as further proof that the Prime Minister is the sort of slimy lowlife who would literally fuck a pig, but a government spokesperson insisted the incident has been taken “out of context”.
“When the future PM inserted his ‘private organ’ into a dead pig’s mouth, he was only trying to demonstrate visually the beneficial effect of Conservative policies on the country,” the spokesperson explained. Continue reading
Toger in happier days, knocking one out at Augusta
Former world number one swinger Tiger Woods will not play around again this year after having emergency penis surgery.
The 39-year-old American, veteran of 14 major affairs, is hoping to return to playing the field in early 2016.
“This is certainly disappointing, but I’m a fighter,” Woods said in a statement on his website. “And a lover.”
The injury is believed to be due to a slightly misaligned shaft, possibly as a result of an overextended swing.
Doctors are confident that Woods will be back to his usual form in a few months, and sports manufacturers are already lining up to sponsor his equipment. It is likely that Toger will play at a members-only event at St. Andrews in May, where the infamous bunkers are certain to get his balls deep on the first hole.
In a major scoop, newly elected Labour Leader, Jeremy Corbyn writes exclusively for the Evening Harold. This is mainly because we pretended we were from the Socialist Worker but that’s fine because we’re more working class than him so lying is acceptable.
Well it’s been quite a week, but democracy has spoken and the revolution has started.
I’ve fulfilled my election promise by having more gels in my Executive Committee but I’m still hearing dissent from the rank and file because there aren’t enough gels in the top jobs. I’ve done my best by having a chap called Hilary shadowing the Foreign brief, but you can’t be too careful with gels. Until I get to know them how do I know one of them won’t turn out to be a Thatcher?
I’ve had to make a few changes to the Party structure already. I’ve dispensed with the services of all those spin doctors as we won’t be needing any of them anymore. Of course, it’s sad for the people concerned but the way I see it, that’s another 876 people added to the unemployment list showing that the vicious Tory policies are simply not working. Continue reading
“One is the Champion”
By popular demand from Her Majesty’s subjects, we are commanded to provide a further gloved handful of facts about the Queen who is long reigning over us. These facts are just as true as the last set.
Fact! As an in-joke, the rock band Queen asked the actual Queen to sing backing vocals on one of their songs. After being smuggled into the band’s private recording studio at night, Her Majesty can be heard singing the “Are you gonna take me home tonight?” lines on “Fat Bottomed Girls“.
Fact! Prince Charles is so old that most people assume the Queen is his child, but it’s actually the other way round.
Fact! Her Majesty attributes her soft hands to her insistence that her maids always use Fairy Liquid when washing the Royal dishes. Continue reading
Tricky… Tricky choice…
After realising that Jeremy Corbyn is the first politician since the dawn of time to not be a corrupt lying bastard, the hundred thousand Conservative supporters who paid £3 to vote for him have all decided he’s actually the best of a bad lot, and the’re going to stick around.
“I paid my money to vote Corbyn, thinking I was consigning Labour to electoral oblivion,” admitted Brian Refrew of Harold. “It all seemed to go really well, but having heard him talk just after reading an Iain Duncan Smith quote, I thought ‘fuck it, I’m on the wrong side’.”
Somewhat surprisingly, the Daily Telegraph, who ran a campaign to get readers to vote for Corbyn, has also come out in favour of the left-winger.
In a editorial entitled “Bugger us, it’s obvious now we think about it”, the paper has urged its readers to pay the extra money to become full Labour members, and has demanded better treatment of refugees “just because it’s the right thing to do, which surprises us as much as you, if we’re honest”.