Tag Archives: Spoof news

Scientists close to explaining Donald Trump

Do not adjust your TV set.

Do not adjust your TV set.

“For decades, scientists were unable to explain Black Holes,” said Professor Brian Cox, “especially the super massive ones, but then we solved it.  Well, Trump is like a super massive Orange Hole.  Metaphorically speaking.”

Various tests have been run at CERN and lots of scientists have been writing long equations on multiple backboards, working at the very edge of reality.

“Of course we already know that Donald Trump does not exist in the normal sense of the word,” said the Professor, “but that alone may not stop him becoming President.  The current hypothesis is that he is somehow the product of the collective American Mind.”

“But we’re not quite sure yet whether to describe him as a figment of the imagination or a pigment of the imagination.” Continue reading

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Filed under Entertainment, idiots, Intergalactic News, Politics, science, Space, TV, USA

Part-Kenyan Obama’s ancestral hatred of Britain ‘tip of the iceberg’ says new report

Is this some kind of bust?

Is this some kind of bust?

Obama’s removal of the Churchill bust from the Oval Office confirmed, as Boris Johnson pointed out in his article for The Sun newspaper, that he carries the anti-Brit gene inherited from his Kenyan side, but a new report suggests that this is just the latest in a long line of US Presidents unable to think or act rationally due to dodgy DNA.

The damning report slammed several post-war US presidents, and if speculations are to be believed, what they could have done to the Churchill statue behind closed doors makes what Obama did look pale by comparison.

Dwight Eisenhower – or to give his surname its proper spelling ‘Eisenhauer’ – was of course part German, a country with whom Britain has seldom been allies. Therefore, the report claims, he almost definitely carried the anti-UK mutation, even if he was not aware of it. Despite their good relationship in real life, some suggest that in private, Eisenhower could have made fun of our nation’s greatest leader by making the statue eat sauerkraut or sausages with mustard on.

Fast forward to the sixties and we find part-Irish John F. Kennedy in the Whitehouse. The report points out that the Irish ancestral hatred of Britain is second-to-none, and it is thought that while praising Churchill in public, it is most likely Kennedy allowed his many mistresses to give him oral sex in full view of Britain’s war-time PM’s disapproving statue eyes.

Another part-Irish chief executive, Bill Clinton, is likely to have done even worse, maybe full sex, or anal, and Clinton’s now-infamous ‘cigar incident’ could well have been a direct mocking reference to Churchill’s fondness for smoking them in his tight-lipped yet moist, yielding mouth.

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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, EU referendum, Europe, News, Politics, Sex, War

Kanye West deadly serious

He's not joking

He’s not joking

Rap star Kanye West actually believes the things he says and is not on a massive wind up, according to sources close to the bell-end.

The part-time Hip Hop artist, part-time fashion designer, full-time egotist has been lamenting the fact that he simply does not have enough money to change the world in all the ways that he could, and apparently he’s serious. Continue reading

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Filed under Entertainment, News

Letwin’s explanation in full: “I was a Conservative”

Oliver_Letwin_Official-300x300

Trust me, I’m a Conservative

Oliver Letwin held a press conference this afternoon, to expand upon his ‘unreserved’ apology for historical remarks, which anyone with a brain might view as racist bollocks.

“What needs to be borne in mind” began Mr Letwin “is that I was and remain a Conservative. Thank you all for coming.”

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Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics

Thatcher’s estate to auction ‘that Tank’

thatchertank

On the lookout for an Argie, or an Arthur

A Challenger Tank once driven by Margaret Thatcher, is to be sold in aid of orphans Carol and ‘Sir’ Mark Thatcher.

Chuffed by the sale of a red ministerial box for £242,500, the family are keen to sell some other things that taxpayers thought they’d paid for.

The dusty Battle Tank, ‘found’ in a mews lock-up near her last home, with its keys still in the ignition, will shortly go under the hammer, as will Continue reading

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Filed under News, Politics

Dismay as new Star Wars movie turns out to be musical

sound-of-music-tour

These aren’t the brown paper packages tied up with string you’re looking for…

Movie-goers were left disgusted today after the long-awaited new Star Wars movie turned out to be, in fact, a musical.

This news story could go on to cleverly explain how this disaster could have come about, but we all know that what we’re really here for is the list of songs.

So (gulp) here we go, then:

“Send in the Clones”
“Han’s up, baby, Han’s up!”
“Don’t cry for me, Grand Moff Tarkin”
“Summer Jedi Knights”
“Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Golden Metal Slave Bikini!”
“Don’t Luke back in anger”
“Ewok Around the Clock”
“Yoda one that I want”
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Filed under Movies, News

Embarrassment as thumbscrews found in Tony Blair’s hand luggage

thumbscrewFormer Prime Minister Tony Blair has been embarrassed by the discovery of a fully-functional set of thumbscrews in his hand luggage for a flight to the US, it emerged today.

Already facing criticism for his role in enabling the torture of British citizens in Guantanamo Bay, the discovery could not have come at a worse time for Blair.

It has recently been discovered that Blair and former Foreign Minister Jack Straw instructed our embassies to send British citizens to Guantanamo, even after knowing about US torture there.

These revelations have been damaging, but no-one expected Blair to be playing such an active role in the actual torturing.

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Filed under News, Tony Blair

Famer regrets shutting stable door after horse bolts

stable-door

The sight that met Lucy when she returned home

Harold’s well-known organic farmer, Ted Evans regrets locking up his stable last Friday , after his horse was startled by an oddly-shaped carrot and galloped off, in what seemed to be a bid for free-range status.

“It were wicked cold on Friday night, well below minus 10 in fact.” says Evans “When I let the dogs out the next morning, I found old Lucy frozen solid to the concrete, just inches away from her heated stall. I could even see faint hoofy scratch marks on the stable door and her little nose was still stuck to the handle.”   Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Farming, News

Jeremy Corbyn launches singing career with sure-fire Christmas hit

So sweet

So sweet

Jeremy Corbyn has hit the music scene with what critics say will be this year’s Christmas Number One.

A fabulous video now out of the kindly pensioner singing Happy Birthday Dear Katie has taken the UK by storm.

Harold media analyst Dr Lizzie Phillips says ‘out-of-tune’ is the new black.  “He’s very popular.  I’d definitely put a fiver on him winning X-factor.”

The video was tastefully shot in Cockermouth, showing Jeremy and Katie hugging in the cold air, surrounded by festive sand-bags.

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Filed under Christmas, Entertainment, floods, Labour, Movies, music, Tory sex scandal, Vicars, Weather

Senior Labour politician Blair ‘unfit’ to face war crimes trial

tony-blair

Dr Kelly? Nope. That’ll be £60,000. £50,000 for cash

Former Prime Minister Tony Blair, suffers from advanced ‘dementia-like’ symptoms, including memory loss and delusions of grandeur, could not recall a Dr Kelly or why the UK went to war in Iraq and had little concept of a moral or political philosophy, medics have found.

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Filed under Labour, News, Politics, Tony Blair, War

Tired Cameron calls for vote to change Syria’s climate.

"You don't need a weatherman..."

“You don’t need a weatherman…”

David Cameron could be getting in a muddle as he flits back and forth between the Climate Change Conference in Paris and earnest war-mongering efforts in London.

Fears that he is over-stretching his mind were not allayed on Monday night when he called for a Commons vote to change the Syrian climate.

“The problem is, he’s got his head in too many places at the same time,” said one commentator.

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Filed under bombs, environment, Europe, floods, ice, International News, Labour, Nature, Politics, War, Weather

Syrian air strikes: MPs to examine their consciences; or ‘ask the wife’.

image

Excuse me while I let this off…

Prime Minister Cameron has sent all MPs back to their homes and constituencies this weekend with clear instructions to examine their own consciences about the exciting prospect of bombing the shit out of Syria.

“It’s diplomatic language,” explained a spokesman for Number Ten. “Most of the male members [of The Commons] haven’t got a clue how to think straight and reason with logic, especially if they try to fit it in while watching Match of the Day.

“Their wives, on the other hand, have very clear views, often expressed in a tone of voice that obviates the need for further discussion, while cooking dinner, sorting the laundry, helping the kids with their homework and planning the Christmas seating arrangements.”

“Hopefully,” he concluded, “they’ll all come back here on Monday morning, eager to toe the line, or risk hanging their members [their penises] out to dry for the foreseeable future.”

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Filed under bombs, breaking news, Civil rights, Defence, Labour, Society, War

Chilcot promises delivery of rapid anti-terrorist brigade by 2025 …… or thereabouts

ChilcotIn a move hardly likely to leave Jihadist terrorist squads quaking in their suicide belts, David Cameron has put the  tortoise-like Sir John Chilcot in charge of the rollout of the so called rapid deployment brigades which would be equipped to react immediately to Parisian style attacks.

Although Chilcot, whose report into the ill-fated Gallipoli campaign is keenly expected any day, was believed to be comatose, his press spokesman said that Sir John would be delighted at the news and would get things underway ‘as soon as possible’, but certainly within five years once he had been able to have a nice chat with Tony Blair. Continue reading

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Filed under Defence, Politics

Minutes’ silence at Festival of Remembrance is welcome relief after Pixie Lott and Rod Stewart’s singing

Pensioner Rod invokes the horror of war

Pensioner Rod invokes the horror of war

There was a collective sigh of relief at this evening’s annual Festival of Remembrance when the traditional two minute’s silence finally commenced after the onslaught of the ‘popular’ songsters introduced to bring the 1914-18 Great War bang up to date.

It’s not often that the start of the solemn moment is met with a cheer from the audience at the Royal Albert Hall however the pain and suffering inflicted by the bombardment of howitzers from Pixie Lott and Rod Stewart took many onlookers back poignantly to the horrors of trench warfare and the cease fire brought about by the silence was greeted with much the same delight as the signing of the Armistice all those years ago. Continue reading

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Filed under charity, Entertainment, News

Pile of garbage ignored by cleaners who thought it was modern art

art-installation

But is it rubbish?

Cleaners at a museum in Italy were left red-faced today after mistakenly leaving a huge pile of mess from a party, after mistaking it for a modern art installation.

The empty champagne bottles, confetti and pieces of paper did look like a confronting modern exhibit meant to represent the decadence of 1980s Italy, characterised by hedonism and consumerism, but were in fact merely a pile of old crap. Continue reading

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Filed under Art, News

New Lloyd Webber superhero appears wherever inequality is threatened

andrew lloyd webber

“… whenever wealth or privilege are threatened”

The government defeat in the House of Lords has revealed a humble tunesmith’s status as international superhero, fearlessly parachuting in to vote whenever wealth or privilege are threatened.

Born plain Andrew Lloyd Webber, Baron Lloyd-Webber of Sydmonton struggled to come up with the tricky third name that hadn’t already been used, after learning there were no Puccini operas with superheroes he could rip off.  Continue reading

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Filed under News, Politics

Corbyn fails to refute Time Lord rumours

Corbyn's mission is to save the planet from Tories

Corbyn’s mission is to save the planet from Tories

Jeremy Corbyn, the latest regeneration of the Labour Party leader, has become known as ‘The Doctor’ within the corridors of Labour Central Office for his eccentric behaviour and general unworldliness.

“It started as a bit of a joke because of his likeness to the actor Peter Capaldi and his dislike for wearing a tie” a Labour insider revealed, “but we soon realised that the similarity went beyond his appearance, thanks to his bizarre statements and unintelligible policies.”

“For instance,” continued the bemused insider, “as I was passing the Tardis – as his office is known – I’m almost certain I overheard Jeremy likening Ian Duncan-Smith to a Sontaran who could only be controlled by the evil Davros; and it is common knowledge that he believes the Queen is a Weeping Angel.” Continue reading

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Filed under Intergalactic News, Politics

Elections to be replaced by new ‘people-rating’ app

peeple

Happy voters commenting on Iain Duncan Smith

MPs from all parties were in turmoil today after a surprise announcement from the UK Electoral Commission that traditional electoral ballots will be replaced by the controversial ‘people-rating’ phone app Peeple.

Instead of the whole tedious business of visiting hastily-converted schools and village halls to place their vote, British citizens will now simply assign a rating from one to five stars for each local candidate, in a similar way to placing reviews on Trip Advisor or Amazon. Votes can be accompanied by personal comments about the candidates, which will not influence the result, but should be great fun.

“You can’t stop progress,” insisted Electoral Commission Chief Executive Peter Wardle. “This will free up valuable time which the public can spend rioting or building street barricades. Although it could be a bit of a bugger for Iain Duncan Smith.”

Reaction from the UK political parties was mixed. “We see this as a great enabler of democracy, a potential game-changer in human engagement,” explained Jeremy Corbyn. “Although in spite of myself I can’t help feeling a bit sorry for Iain Duncan Smith.”

Prime Minister David Cameron was more hesitant in his approval, warning of the risk that the simplicity of phone-based voting might mean that people are unduly influenced by certain minor incidents from politicians’ pasts, which should really be forgotten and have no bearing on today, and anyway he never did it.

“Mind you,” he concluded, “At least I’m not Iain Duncan Smith.”

Secretary of State for Work and Pensions Iain Duncan Smith gave a short statement to reporters: “I’m fucked. But at least I’m not Katie Hopkins”

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Filed under Politics, Social media

Shell abandons Arctic drilling until people not looking

oil rig gone

Nothing to see here – photo released by Shell showing oil rigs all gone

The oil giant Shell has announced that its controversial drilling operations off Alaska will stop ‘until everyone has forgotten what evil bastards we are’.

Initial tests had uncovered greater than expected levels of public hatred, the company explained, and therefore the search for oil and gas in the region would be halted ‘forever, or until you all stop watching us, whichever comes first’.

A spokesman for Greenpeace expressed delight at the decision, adding that they would now shift their focus to other endangered areas of the planet, a move which Shell welcomed. Continue reading

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Filed under environment, News

Police launch new ‘000’ phone number for people happy to be just left in ditch

happy-field

Lovely, just leave me here, thanks.

Following a successful trial in Cambridgeshire yesterday where police left a motorcycle crash victim lying in a ditch for hours, the service is to be rolled out nationwide, it was announced today.

Inspired by the NHS non-emergency advice number 111, the new 000 service will allow the public to alert the police that something bad has happened, but that they are happy to be left in a ditch for a few hours if the police are too busy harassing Muslim school children and searching black teenagers.

Yesterday’s crash victim, managing a feeble wave from a police wheelbarrow after his eventual collection, said he was “thrilled” to be part of the successful trial. Continue reading

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Filed under News, Police