Do you know who I am Mr Putin?
Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn, has revealed that his plan for an alternative to the Trident nuclear deterrent is to have Ronnie Pickering offer to fight any hostile countries.
The logic behind Trident is to deter a nuclear attack on the UK because, even if normal defences were destroyed, the submarine carrying the weapon could still launch a devastating retaliatory attack. Corbyn believes this same deterrent can be achieved with the threat of Ronnie Pickering offering to step outside for a bare-knuckle fight with anybody that nuked the country. Continue reading
Down with this sort of thing
Kremlin insiders have revealed that Russian President Vladimir Putin spends most of his evenings fearlessly trawling through the internet to find gay porn websites, so that he can have them blocked by his IT experts to prevent normal citizens from having to see them.
Russia is considering a ban on “gay emojis” – small cartoon pictures of people who happen to be the same sex – out of understandable fear that the tiny images might turn everyone homosexual.
The Russian president, however, has taken the further step of identifying every gay porn site on the web, the better to have them removed from the county’s internet.
“His stamina is incredible,” gushed one Kremlin insider. “He has investigated nearly every man-on-man site accessible from Moscow, at least the ones where the videos don’t take too long to download. We see him staggering down from his office in the mornings, barely able to hold himself upright.”
“Here is a man who can take it like few other men could.”
Putin’s enormous appetite for information has seen him exhaust the vast majority of the world’s gay porn, forcing the Kremlin to establish its own movie studio to produce enough output for the President’s continued researches.
Not content with saving Russia from cartoons and porn, Putin is now said to be seriously looking into whether western culture in general is putting the country at risk, and in the interests of research has purchased a Village People album, a pair of leather chaps and, confusingly, the box set of Mission Impossible films
Depardieu claimed he drinks ‘up to 14 lorry-loads of wine every day’
Russia’s largest transport aircraft has been extensively refitted, so that Gérard Depardieu can be airlifted to the Ukraine frontline. In a daring operation that exceeded the airframe’s carrying capacity by some 26%, Depardieu was delivered intact but hungry and dangerously low on wine.
“As soon as I heard about Ukraine, I phoned my agent to see if such a trip was tax-deductable”, said the actor. “Then I had lunch, some patisseries and a small bucket of brandy. After that it was time for a money wash, a whole roast goose and a litre or so of pernod. That’s when I was struck in the back by a grappling hook, and winched aboard the plane.”
The logistics were difficult and involved several attempts at in-flight re-patéing. “The Russian airforce does not yet have the capability to store more than a tonne and a half of carefully refrigerated foie gras on a plane”, explained Depardieu.
The sweat-drenched hulk is considered a ‘heart throb’ in his ex-native France, a diagnosis that was confirmed by his team of cardiac surgeons.
Filed under News, Transport
‘Passport? Check. Sun cream? Check. Unlimited ammunition? Check’
Vladimir Putin has warned the west that should it continue to interfere with the situation in Ukraine, he can deploy some more highly trained holidaymakers armed with passports, sun cream, and unlimited ammunition within 45 minutes.
“Obviously I know nothing about them crossing the border,” Putin said, “but I do know that Russian holidaymakers take their holidays very seriously, especially when they are on holiday from military duty and in an area that Russia is keen to control.
With bold statements such as ‘stop fighting, now’, ‘stop killing children’, and ‘will you stop teasing Ukraine’, the world’s well-meaning but ultimately powerless parent, the UN, has threatened to start shaking its fist in a frustrated manner whilst saying ‘grrr’ if hostilities around the world don’t stop.
“We are in a difficult position”, UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon said. “Israel blame Hamas who in turn blame Israel, Russia’s friends are destroying Ukraine but Russia says it doesn’t know them even though we saw them all drinking together in the park. And God knows what North Korea are up to, we haven’t seen them in ages.
“We’ve tried sanctions on Russian billionaires but who knew they didn’t keep all their assets in one legitimate bank account?
In an embarrassing admission by the British government, it has become clear that the UK is still selling arms to Russia, however firm assurances over their use have been received from Vladimir Putin by way if a ‘pinky promise’.
Speaking of his first meaningful action as foreign secretary, Philip Hammond explained he flew to Russia over night to get the pinky promise from Putin.
Despite claims of voter intimidation and errors with counting, Vladimir Putin looks set to seize power in Tower Hamlets.
Some voters have complained to the council that polling booths were manned by an unmarked militia, brandishing AK-47s and pamphlets about baby oil and topless communism.
Winning Tower Hamlets could be a way for Russia to bypass sanctions on key personnel, once they move into the notorious shit hole and decorate it to look ‘more like Chechnya’.
Filed under News, Politics
After over a decade of dominance in one area of the Eurovision song contest, the United Kingdom looks set to lose its ‘most hated Eurovision country’ title to Russia.
The accolade – which is often associated with the coverted ‘nil points’ – is traditionally awarded to the country the rest of Europe decides has the most trigger happy leader.
Following the invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq the UK has been guaranteed the title every year since, but with no troops left in Iraq and withdrawal imminent from Camp Bastion Europe has begun looking elsewhere for its pantomime warmonger.
Despite the imposition of sanctions on his closest allies, it appears that German leader, Adolf Hitler remains resolute in his insistence that “The Poles had been asking for it for years and now that they had been invaded it was no use squealing and asking for help from a bunch of lily livered do gooders.”
The West’s reaction to the invasion has been powerful. Leaders have condemned the actions in the “strongest terms” and there is talk of ramping up their opposition by not going to the tea party that the Fuhrer had been planning to host, taking their knitting circle to dear dependable Mrs Belgium’s instead.
Here is a picture of all of North Korea's eligable voters casting their vote
North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-un has waded into the Ukraine debate today, telling the country to look at his own country’s election that took place today as a beacon of democracy. “This is how governments should be decided,” Mr Kim said in a statement to the Ukrainian politicians.
“People voting not with guns and violence, but with their feet, or for those that haven’t had them chopped off, with their hands.” Continue reading
Following on from his comments that gay people can “feel free in your relationship but leave the children alone”, man of the world and Russian president Vladimir Putin has been rolling out the rainbow carpet to all people from all over the Globe.
“I would like to extend the strong yet moisturised manly hand of friendship to everyone,” Putin told media.
In his latest attempt to further undermine the west, Vladimir Putin has accused a British man of storing and using ‘chemical weapons’. The charge is laid at the door of television advert personality, and cleaning enthusiast Barry Scott.
The Russian leader alleges Cillit Bang products have a cleaning power that is only matched by sarin and other nerve agents. However the suggestion that ‘Lime and Grime’ can be used for kitchen, bathroom and ethnic cleansing have been strongly denied by Mr Scott.
Leaders praised for either having the world’s best poker faces, or possessing no sense of irony
British Prime Minister, David Cameron and Russian President, Vladimir Putin have said although a meeting between the pair may have highlighted the ‘huge difference’ between their approaches to Syria, they both shared the same goal of ‘ending the killing’ in the country.
Mr Cameron, who was one of the loudest voices for ending the arms embargo on Syria, told the joint press conference that the situation could only be resolved through political and diplomatic means.
This was a view shared by his Russian counterpart. Mr Putin, who has armed the Syrian government with advance anti-aircraft missiles, believes getting all parties around the negotiating table was important. However the Russian did say that both the Syrian rebels and government force had ‘blood on their hands’, which may open the door for some lucrative cleaning product contracts. Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics