Probably a Royal Command Performance
Nuclear holocaust and Brexit worries have been put into perspective by news that William and Kate have had another successful coupling.
Kensington Palace announced Kate’s pregnancy today but have not confirmed which position was used, leading to speculation that the modernising royals may have taken a less traditional approach.
The BBC’s Nicholas Witchell reports that, like its parents, the new foetus is showing a real concern for others, whilst its ability to put people at their ease is very reminiscent of Princess Diana. Continue reading
“Oh and skiing, I love skiing too”
Prince William says he doesn’t have to do any work at all if he doesn’t feel like it.
“I’m second in line to the throne, do you see?” He explained to a meeting of Fleet Street editors today. “That’s how it is with a monarchy, I was sure you’d all know.”
“Didn’t any of you study British Constitution at school? I was going to take it at A level but learned all I needed to know at GCSE. It was brilliant, my favourite subject.”
“The thing is” the Prince went on Continue reading
Baby name could give Tories a small bump.
Ladbrokes has revealed that ‘Vote Tory’ is the odds-on favourite name for the royal baby, after a visit to Buckingham palace by Ed Miliband.
Less than 10 minutes after the Labour leader left the premises, a flurry of bets were made from a large address in St. James’s Park.
“It’s an unusual name”, admitted Gail Evans of Harold’s branch of the bookies. “In fact it’s so rare that if they were one day to be monarch, they would only be ‘Vote Tory IV’.”
A number of names have been suggested recently, including ‘Goodfor Tourism’, ‘Nigel’ and ‘Gene Pool Enlargement Specimen B’.
Veteran John Horse samples the Royal lager collection.
Homeless charities have welcomed the news that the Duke of Cambridge is to provide shelter for servicemen and women who have fallen on hard times after serving their country in the armed forces.
Speaking yesterday in support of a newspaper appeal, Prince William, who himself served in the front line plucking stranded adventurers off the treacherous cliffs of Wales in his helicopter, Budgie, said:
“I am so concerned about the number of heroes who have struggled to adapt to civilian life and wound up sleeping rough in our cities, that for once instead of just lecturing you, I’m actually going to do something myself and open the doors of my vast London home at Christmas to these wretched people. I’m going to feed them, clothe them and offer them trained support to help them get their lives back on track.” Continue reading
This kid was rejected for being too damn cool
As the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge begin their tour of New Zealand and Australia the hunt for the most photogenic disabled or seriously ill children in both countries has intensified. It is a requirement of the tour that Kate is photographed hugging at least three sick or mobility impaired children a day and finding ones that fit the criteria laid down by Buckingham Palace is proving to be a tough job. Continue reading
Pippa Middleton’s arse: we shall not see its like again
There were sad scenes at Aintree today as the Grand National claimed another victim. Unusually the tragedy did not take place at Beechers Brook but in the Royal Enclosure when Pippa Middleton who was wearing stylish but vertiginous high heels, took a tumble and broke her left buttock.
Senior Royals looked on dispassionately while race officials quickly erected a tarpaulin screen around Ms Middleton and she was swiftly and humanely dispatched.
Prince William’s quip about calling Dame Helen Mirren ‘granny’ when presenting her with a BAFTA Fellowship was so well received that William and Dame Helen will repeat the joke in a 30 venue UK tour.
A chuffed Prince William confided that he was very nervous before his intentional comedy debut but all the practise paid off when he got the jokes words in the right order and he remembered to smile at the end.
“I got the idea from watching Helen star as the Queen in “The Queen”. I thought, hey, my gran is actually the Queen and Helen plays the part of the Queen so she in effect is playing the part of my gran. So yeah, from there I thought I’d just flip them round and pretend that Helen was my gran when she is really just my aunt or something” said William.
Thick as pig shit? Or time-honoured tradition?
The news that the Duke of Cambridge will spend a term studying a “bespoke” course in agriculture at Cambridge University has prompted a backlash from other students who resent him being given a “free pass” when they had to work so hard to get there.
But this isn’t the first time aristocrats have used their connections to gain entry to namesake seats of learning says Jason Simms, a local author and expert on the education of Britain’s nobility.
“One example that most people will remember was when the 5th Earl of South Bank side-stepped London South Bank University’s entry requirements to do a foundation course in Psychology, but there is in fact a much longer tradition of royals choosing to study at universities that have the same name as them.”
Harry promises to stop playing billiards a with ginger balls
With news coming out of North Korea that Kim Jong-un has had his military-based uncle executed for, amongst other things, womanising and drug taking, Prince Harry is reportedly seeking reassurance over the future temperament of Prince George.
Harry has previously admitted smoking cannabis and been pictured playing naked billiards in a Las Vegas hotel with women in a similar state of undress. Looking at events in North Korea, Harry is said to be ‘nervous’ about his own nephew’s reaction to his past behaviour.
At least he earned the right to wear his uniform and doesn’t just dress up in one for no good reason like his Uncle Edward
There was shock in the village of Harold this morning when an alcoholic rough sleeper turned out to be Prince William.
“I saw this lad sat outside Tesco all huddled up under some blankets and clutching a bottle so I slipped him a few coins,” said villager Tom Stalling. “And instead of saying ‘cheers, mate’ he said ‘that’s really most terribly kind of you. Do you visit here often? Have you had to come far?’ and made me feel like the most important person in the world. That’s when I realised he wasn’t an ordinary homeless bloke.” Continue reading
In his fist newspaper interview since his wife gave birth to baby George, Prince William has described to a world full of Mothers and Fathers what it is like to be a parent.
Speaking about the first nappy change, William explained how he coped with the experience. “I found that it is harder than it looks, and it took me quite some time to remember the nanny’s number. That said, once I had summoned her she was very good. She even let us leave the room so we could avoid any nasty odours.”
The 700 week run of “free porn” being the UK’s most popular Google search has unexpectedly ended in the run-up to the royal birth, with “how to explain a ginger baby” now taking the top spot. The battle for number one was very close until a number of frenzied searches from Kensington Palace finally saw a new champion.
When quizzed by journalists at his air force base, Prince William expressed considerable surprise at the result, commenting that he had personally searched for “free porn” a number of times that week.