Tag Archives: police

Twitchy Tories offer police and prison officers bribe before it all kicks off

Give it a few months and this is what’ll be like every time you nip down the shops

As the government steers Brexit with all the skill of a cow attempting to land a Lockheed Martin F-35 Lighting II on the deck of a storm-tossed aircraft carrier at midnight it has decided to give police and prison officers more money. Continue reading

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Yellow Pages to go entirely online: police mourn loss of vital confession tool

So many guilty looking types, so little time

Police across the UK are speaking of their sadness at the news that the Righteous Copper’s Friend aka the Yellow Pages will now be entirely online.

“It brings a tear to my eye,” said Harold’s entire police force PC Anita Flegg. “Since 1966 Ol’ Yeller has been a vital component in many a conviction. Beating the shit out of some nasty little scrote until they confess to everything from the Gunpowder Plot onwards won’t be the same when we’ve got to do it with a laptop.” Continue reading

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Black cars ‘twice as likely to be beaten up by police’

You’re nicked!

A damning report into the Metropolitan Police has found that London’s black cars are almost twice as likely to be beaten up by crazed policemen than vehicles of any other colour.

In 2015, there were 849 incidents of police brutality involving black or dark-hued automobiles, compared with 450 cases of white cars being damaged in custody.

“These figures show that the streets are just not safe for vehicles of colour,” claimed Albert Renfrew of the activist organisation “Black Cars Matter”.

“Our capital’s motorists face this sort of blatant discrimination every day. Just last week, my local police decided to smash up my own immaculate black Mini, even though it was parked next to a white Skoda with flat tyres, no MOT and a large painting of a policeman with a penis for a head on the bonnet.”

“I don’t think this is a coincidence.”

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G4S “only phoned 999 to report dodgy 999 calls”

clowns

G4S Managers meeting

Another steaming tidal-wave of shit seems to have emerged from the Goverment’s favourite contractors, the hapless G4S.

With child victims of their custody staff assaults still sporting bruises, fresh allegations are that G4S police control room staff made loads of 999 calls at quiet times, to boost their performance figures.

Jon Pastry, managing director for G4S public services outlined the background to this latest calamity “We became aware that a shady firm of repeat offenders had made a 999 call to boost their performance figures.” Continue reading

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Police inquiry concludes that they will stop investigating very rich, well-connected men

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If only more of them were like Officer Carey Mahoney

The police investigation into charges made against Leon Brittan was “unnecessary and unjustified due to the fact he was very wealthy and knew a lot of senior politicians”, a review has concluded.
Vowing that the police would learn from their mistakes the head of the Met, Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe, said that from now on “any man of a certain age facing a certain allegation will be ignored as long as he’s got a shedload of cash and is friends with Prince Charles/was friends with Maggie.” Continue reading

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Police cuts will severely impact undercover shagging, say chiefs

Mark-Kennedy-007

Look out ladies!

Cuts to officer numbers will severely affect the ability of undercover police to have illegal affairs with women they have befriended, senior police chiefs have told the home secretary.

“It is the worst possible timing to be cutting police numbers now, in the current climate when so many officers fancy a quick one with members of the public who do not know they are actually police,” the letter insists.

“Especially with all the other stuff going on at the moment, our officers are going to have to choose between illicit nookie and protecting the public from bad people,” it continues.

“The obvious result is that the terrorists will win.”
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Police launch new ‘000’ phone number for people happy to be just left in ditch

happy-field

Lovely, just leave me here, thanks.

Following a successful trial in Cambridgeshire yesterday where police left a motorcycle crash victim lying in a ditch for hours, the service is to be rolled out nationwide, it was announced today.

Inspired by the NHS non-emergency advice number 111, the new 000 service will allow the public to alert the police that something bad has happened, but that they are happy to be left in a ditch for a few hours if the police are too busy harassing Muslim school children and searching black teenagers.

Yesterday’s crash victim, managing a feeble wave from a police wheelbarrow after his eventual collection, said he was “thrilled” to be part of the successful trial. Continue reading

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Jeremy Corbyn unmasked as police spy

pc corbyn

Corbyn’s disguise was ‘almost fool-proof’.

An undercover police officer who infiltrated the Labour leadership contest has been named as Jeremy Corbyn.

Corbyn, who has three other families through his work with Greenpeace, Amnesty International and the Beard Liberation Front, has gone back to his fishing village now his cover is blown.

“I can confirm that PC ‘Corbyn’ has worked for the Special Demonstration Squad since 1983”, said the Met’s superintendent Latechild. “Unfortunately on this occasion, he’s overstretched his remit.”
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For sale: Water cannon. Genuine reason for sale

boris johnson

For a few horrible moments, Boris thought the £328,883 was coming out of his own pocket

For sale, any reasonable offer considered.

Audi, BMW and Mercedes not quite cutting it at the golf club? Try out the Wasserwerfer 9000 and water the greens at the same time ‘Springwater durch technik’.

Due to circumstances beyond my control [!] offers are invited for three much-loved water cannon, unexpectedly surplus to requirements. Very low mileage. Finished in sparkling, completely unmarked Metropolitan Police livery.

Could be delivered in time for a Reggae-based August Bank Holiday street carnival.

Inherently dangerous so would suit minor dictator with political ambition, high-functioning sociopath or Alton Towers.

Interested? Then contact:

Boris Johnson
Mayor of London
City Hall
London SE1 2AA

(Note change of address from 2019: 10 Downing St, London SW1A 2AA)

 

 

 

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Theresa May: ‘Actually, we are planning to send three-year-olds to jail for not eating dinner’

jail

Start ’em young

Home Secretary Theresa May has called on UK police to end a social media campaign against scaring children with threats of prison, pointing out that this is actually a key part of the Conservatives’ new law enforcement policy.

Durham Constabulary has published a poster on its Facebook page urging parents not to tell their children that if they refuse to eat dinner the police will take them to prison. The police believe that this will only instill a climate of fear and mistrust of the law from an early age.

However, the Home Secretary has pointed out that the proposed 2016 Law Enforcement, Juveniles (Dinner) Act will specifically make not finishing vegetables a criminal offence for children as young as five. “Five” referring here to days, of course. Continue reading

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Police remove number-making equipment from home of ‘Flash Crash’ trader

forensics

‘Something about him didn’t add up’.

Forensic officers have removed sack-fulls of numbers from the house of a rogue trader with a foreign-sounding name.

Navinder Singh’s home contained maths-making equipment, capable of producing sums or a ‘dirty equation’.

Neighbours said Singh pretty much kept himself to himself.

“He was a quiet man, not the sort of chap you’d ever suspect of doing maths”, said one. “We did hear him tapping away at a keyboard occasionally, but assumed he was only using the letters.”

Detectives suggested he could have been radicalised by the Open University.

“I don’t trust that lot”, said PC Flegg, “what with their weird clothes and beards.”

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Police seek details of Evening Harold readers

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Off to kick down the door of an elderly church warden who subscribes to Private Eye

PC Flegg has been going around the village taking the details of our readers. Haroldites are being asked to provide her with their names and addresses and information such as whether or not they’ve got a copy of Charlie Hebdo in the house and if they’ve ever watched Charlie Brooker’s Weekly Wipe.

“Counter terrorism!” PC Flegg yelled when we cautiously approached her. “Following recent incidents I’m assessing community tensions and providing reassurance.” Continue reading

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Harold’s Police and Crime Commissioner to be used as a traffic cone

cones
Following electoral turnouts of less than 15%, controversy following some of those that have taken the role, and a recent public meeting attracting just one person, the role of the Police and Crime Commissioner (PCC) had been brought into question.

However the residents of Harold have taken the lead and decided to use theirs as a traffic cone.

“Many people have asked me what he does,” PC Flegg told us. “I asked the PCC himself and after a 45 minute explanation I still have absolutely no idea.
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Police upset to discover new Code of Conduct isn’t a colour code

 

"Not  the Code we were expecting"

Handy guide for Police stop & search decisions

The Police Federation has rowed back on its welcome for the stop & search Code of Conduct, which at first they’d mistakenly taken to be a ‘colour code’.

“To say we’re disappointed would be an understatement” said spokesperson John Bigot

“We’d even had a batch of Dulux-type colour charts made for new officers, to take the guesswork out of their racism until they’re up to speed.”

A suspicion that a citizen might not have generations of English born ancestors, dating back to 1066, will no longer be sufficient to justify Continue reading

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Crime commissioner: 10% turn out ‘a vote of confidence’ says Theresa May

If you're going to lie, make it this big

‘If you’re going to tell a lie, make it this big.’

Theresa May has welcomed the news that 10% of the electorate voted in the West Midlands Police & Crime Commissioner by-election.

“Brilliant news. This shows how happy people are with the system I made up. Otherwise they wouldn’t have stayed indoors watching Eastenders, but turned out to vote.”

Mrs May explained exactly why crime figures have been falling steadily for many years both at home and right across western Europe.

“Since 1995, crime in England and Wales has fallen by nearly 60%, which I am linking directly to my having introduced PCCs in 2012. Continue reading

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‘I gave Met Police water cannons to help people keep cool over summer’ says Boris Johnson

animals_dogs_playing_water_m89190

Mmmm, refreshing.

Boris Johnson has denied despotism and claimed that the water cannons bought for London are “lovely”.

“They are not, as some people are saying, a sure sign that we Tories fear riots because we’ve screwed the country rigid,” he told journalists outside City Hall. “These cannons are simply a new way for Londoners to keep cool in the heat over the next few months.”

“As Mayor of London I take the health of the people very seriously,” Johnson said. “That’s why the Metropolitan Police now have three water cannons and will be deploying them at moment’s notice if they come across any mobs that look a bit dehydrated.”

“If the mob also look run-down then then I’m hoping Fat Dave’ll sign off on the Met being able to launch a new initiative to help them to get moving in an invigorating healthy manner. But so far he doesn’t seem as keen as I am on rubber bullets.”

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New crime series to be set on M1: CSI Rubbernecker

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‘Detective Dads’ line up to solve the mystery

Makers of the popular crime solving franchise have announced they are to set the latest ‘Crime Scene Investigation’ series on the M1 in Buckinghamshire.

With the successes of the original CSI, CSI New York, and CSI Miami, producers of the hit show are hoping CSI Rubberneckers will highlight the skills used to solve car crashes on main arterial routes, often by detectives whose qualifications come from watching back-to-back episodes of ‘Motorway Cops’ on the iPlayer.
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Police force admit ‘ant terrorism’ initiative result of typing error

Possibly planning acts of terrorism, but probably not.

Possibly planning acts of terrorism, but probably not.

The Harold police force has admitted that a recent focus on ant terrorism was “almost certainly” a result of a typing error, with the number of arrests still standing at zero after more than six months of hard work.

“I went to a regional conference on policing in Luton and there was a lot going on so I struggled to keep up but made the best notes I could.” explained an embarrassed PC Flegg, “There was a whole section on anti-terrorism techniques, but it would appear that when I came to type up my notes I missed the i off anti.” Continue reading

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Portable ‘midget magistrates’ to deliver on-the-spot justice?

midgetstrate

The Law is Just Above an Arse.

The Police Association has reacted angrily to plans to house magistrates in police stations, claiming they wouldn’t be ‘on-the-spot enough’.

Instead, they want to see officers carrying tiny judges with them, either in back packs or a proper legal case.

The Truncheon Foundation, a forward-leaning police think-tank, is some of the brain behind the suggestion. It believes that by only employing magistrates considerably under 5-foot tall, police officers wouldn’t struggle to carry the judicial system.

“By adopting the ‘midgetstrate’, Britain’s police would be more efficient”, said PC Flegg. “Think of it as a cross between RoboCop, Judge Dredd and Jeremy Kyle.”
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Police host special episode of ‘Piers Morgan’s (Slightly Dodgy) Life Story’

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Former Daily Mirror editor Piers Morgan has been questioned in front of a live audience of detectives by police investigating phone hacking in the latest ITV programme, Piers Morgan’s (slightly dodgy) Life Story.

The episode, which sees the tables turned on the chat show host and twitter warrior, was hosted by the officers in charge of Operation Weeting with Morgan answering questions about his past. It is understood Morgan was in tears as he recalled an upsetting phone call, between an A-list celebrity and his lover.
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