These graphs mean we know what we’re talking about
We don’t have the technical capability for fancy graphics and menus and stuff like that, so in order to explain what the new budget means for you we can’t have you clicking through options.
But we have found another way to achieve the same end result.
Think whether you are married, have children, own a business, all of those type of things that ‘proper’ news sources like the BBC would ask you. Get a really clear idea in your head of your particular circumstances, then read the below statement that will miraculously confirm exactly what the budget means for you. Continue reading
A prominent politician has left a woman that serves gruel at her wit’s end, after repeatedly ordering the special and then insisting on steak.
‘Goodbye Gruel World’, a thin porridge emporium in Shoreditch, has been trying to turn Osborne’s table since Tuesday.
“When Mr Osborne came in, he was wearing an ashen sack, and asked if we could water our gruel down”, said Sandy Hampstead.
“But when I tried to serve it to him, he enquired as to ‘what the eff it was’, and pretended he’d ordered chateau briand.”
Man cannot live by rental income alone.
The charities behind food banks are planning to branch out, to help landlords targeted by the chancellor.
Some landlords are down to their last nine or ten houses, and the latest tax increase could hamper their Christmas cruises or trips into space.
“While we do hand out beans and things to people who, on the face of it, are quite poor”, explained Pippa Delaney, “it’s come to our attention that the people who own their homes are also struggling.”
Byrne after reading.
Liam Byrne has spoken of his remorse at the ‘sorry, there’s no money left’ note, which he left behind for Chancellor George Osborne.
In hindsight, Byrne admitted it was a crass thing to do, and vowed that in future, he would just leave clingfilm on the toilet.
“It wasn’t a very good joke, but no-one mentions the cress seeds I left in his carpet”, said Byrne. “That was a much better wheeze.”
“Or the 58 subscriptions to Readers Digest, or the 3 aircraft carriers with no aircraft to go on them”, he rued. “Classic.”
Mwahaha, Mwahahahahaha. Ahahaha.
George Osborne has pledged to eradicate all money problems for poor people after the next election by doing away with all money for poor people. Continue reading
Filed under Badgers, breaking news, charity, Election 2015, Election 2015, Health, Housing, Lifestyle, Medicine, Politics, Society, Troubled Families, Uncategorized
George Osborne’s latest plans to woo back Tory voters with the abolition of the ‘death tax’ looks set to backfire as it comes too late for many of the delegates attending the party’s conference.
With an average age of 146, the vast majority of delegates have been deceased longer than the Chancellor has been alive.
George Osborne has tackled Labour’s ‘cost of living’ argument straight on today but refusing to limit bankers’ bonuses, allowing them to continue to live to a standard they have become accustomed.
“I am not as out of touch as Labour would have you believe,” Osborne told a press conference.
“I am well aware that rising energy prices are making it difficult for people to heat their homes, especially when those homes include an eight-bedroom country manor and a Central London apartment.
“With fuel prices rising, we don’t want ordinary, hard-working people giving up their jobs because they simply cannot afford to get to work, and aviation fuel is almost as expensive per litre than some of the finest champagnes.”
The chancellor has been criticised for not capping the bonuses. Critics claim a million pound salary should be enough without another million pound on top.
But Osborne insists any cost of living crisis could be solved by letting bankers be rewarded for gambling.
“The larger the bonus given to my friends, the more I have to defend it,” Osborne continued, “and that should create enough hot air to heat the whole country.”
Early feeding simulations abandoned after Ed chewed through his strings.
Labour’s Ed Miliband has jumped on the Osborne ‘Burgergate’ bandwagon, by tweeting a picture of himself with a portion of cheap meat.
But followers are now doubting his credibility as an ‘actual human being’, because the image shows him forcing a Big Mac in his ear.
“It’s perfectly normal to attempt to obtain energy from processed animal matter, while being uploaded with an inspiring new speech”, mouthed Ed Miliband.
Productivity in the public sector looks set to rise, thanks to Chancellor George Osborne’s plan to swap ‘golden handcuffs’ for ‘big rusty shackles’.
Traditionally, workers in the public sector have enjoyed generous pensions, at least when compared to their wages. But with growing old and retiring now seen as ‘the coward’s way out’, the government has found a more certain way of keeping them grafting.
“For too long, we’ve allowed slaves in the public sector to slope off when they’re quite near to death”, said Osborne. “Our efforts with ATOS have stopped some from escaping through injury or illness, but until now, the odd old one was still getting out.”
Osborne acknowledged that making it almost impossible for low-paid workers to retire comfortably was ‘gob-smackingly cruel and unfair’, but pointed out that most of them were Labour voters anyway.
Filed under News, Politics