A typical village stoner
Pinning hopes for Lib Dem election success on the decriminalisation of marijuana may be flawed logic says a village stoner.
“Most of the time we’re too stoned to remember to put things in our diaries,” said the smoker. “Anyway, politicians are power-crazed liars, who’ll tell you anything.”
The dope smoking community is also wary that someone is trying to pull a fast one on them.
“So, they want us to register to vote for this? So is that like your name and address and stuff? Yeah, thought so, and the next thing you know is someone’s knocking on your door init. Get lost.”
Nick Clegg meanwhile has been explaining more details of the marijuana policy. Continue reading
Jobless former Liberal Democrat MPs are asking for just one more vote on benefit reform before their first appointment at the job centre on Tuesday.
Speaking after losing his seat to the SNP, Danny Alexander said he can now see the dangers of reducing benefits for those who find themselves out of work and thinks now would be a good time to reverse the cuts and sanctions he once supported.
There’s no denyin’ he’s just a dandylion
The launch of the Liberal Democrat manifesto ended in chaos earlier today when Nick Clegg revealed that he believes himself to be running for office not in England but in Oz.
Looking fetching in a lion costume Clegg said that the Lib Dems should be part of a new coalition government as they would “add a heart to a Conservative government and add a brain to a Labour one“. Continue reading
“Nick! Nick! Nick!”
Gathering places all over the UK are today thronged with delirious well-wishers do due to the Lib Dems officially launching their election campaign.
“It’s what we’ve all been waiting for,” yelled a drunken reveller in the crowd at Trafalgar Square. “The Lib Dems on the streets, promising anything and everything so they can stay in power.” Continue reading
The captain of a political party has taken the decision to beach in a last minute attempt to stop it sinking.
Captain Clegg of the damaged ship Lib Dem admitted finding a location above sea level to beach the party was difficult as since 2010 he has found it very hard to navigate it on the moral high ground.
“As we began the approach May’s election and started to voyage out on our own away from Port Coalition, it was become clear that the party was beginning to sink fast,” Captain Clegg explained. Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
We’re desperate – we’ll take anyone…
In a desperate attempt to counter falling membership levels, the Liberal Democrats have loosened their membership rules to welcome sexual predators into the party.
One member, known only as “Lord R”, had his membership suspended after incidents of “inadvertently” “encroaching” upon the “personal space” of women in the “party”, but has since apologised, which makes everything OK.
Party leader Nick Clegg said the Liberal Democrats had been forced to take a “long, hard look in the mirror” since these allegations were made last year, omitting to mention that the mirror in question was fastened to the toecap of Lord R’s right boot, and used primarily while standing behind females on escalators. Continue reading
Lord Rennard relaxing inside a swan’s bottom
Nick Clegg is considering a radical overhaul of the legal system, to create a compromise somewhere between guilty and innocent.
‘The third way’ will be trialled on the completely innocent sex peer Lord Rennard, who may not have done anything wrong but should still be forced to apologise.
“Sometimes, the extremes of ‘guilty’ and ‘not guilty’ can be far too judgmental”, said Clegg. “And choosing one or the other can leave the defendant or prosecutor feeling a bit dis-empowered.”
“Isn’t it better to leave both parties equally disgruntled and confused? Shouldn’t justice be a ‘no score draw’? Of course it should, that’s the Liberal Democrat way.”
We probably should’ve used a picture of Nick Clegg for this but who would you rather look at?
Since May 2010 it’s been a national obsession and finally last night we were put out of our misery when just like BBC1 One’s Sherlock, Nick Clegg revealed how he faked his own death. While in Clegg’s case the death was political not actual it too required meticulous planning and gave rise to fevered online speculation.
Clegg was seen campaigning against tuition fees, scaring the bejesus out of everyone with his talk of a ‘Tory VAT bombshell’ and promising an increase in living standards plus taxes that would benefit the many not the few. He participated televised leaders debates with Gordon Brown and David Cameron coming across as possibly the least weird and Cleggmania happened. Continue reading
Clegg, Cable and Alexander await release
After Amnesty International described it as ‘unlawful detention’, the UK government has agreed to release its Lib Dem detainees. Believed to have been captured around the time of the 2010 election, the prisoners led by Nick Clegg have been ritually humiliated.
Defence Secretary Philip Hammond explained “these detainees were originally held for strategic purposes. Although some say it goes against the Geneva Convention, Clegg has proven himself to be a very useful human shield.”
Records show that the use of Lib Dem’s ended ‘many months ago’, yet David Cameron has decided to keep them locked up in coalition, a move the International Red Cross has called barbaric. However Mr Hammond defended his leader’s decision claiming he “could not guarantee the Lib Dem’s safety if they were handed back over to the public.”
The prison camp is believed to be located within the confines of 10 Downing Street, but those being held captive have only recently been able to get access to a lawyer to represent them. With many claiming this representation should have been offered at the tax payer’s expense long before now, the Defence Secretary told us that it had in fact been offered many times over a year ago.