Tag Archives: jesus

Church sues Heinz for turning innocent poster into ketchup logo

Do you want friars with that?

Do you want friars with that?

The American church of Saint Tom the Martyr in Tennessee is taking legal action against the enormous Kraft Heinz Company after belatedly realising that the food manufacturer had stolen its logo for the last 140 years and used it on a sauce bottle.

The famous emblem of the church (pictured) shows a stylised version of the cross in green, representing rebirth, against a red background, clearly meant to show the blood of the saviour.

The two red dots represent either the wounds made by the nails which held Jesus to the cross, or a pair of ripe tomatoes, depending on the interpretation.

The logo was a favourite design of pilgrims hundreds of years ago, and has been on display outside the church since 1875.

It was apparently only months later that food entrepreneur Henry Heinz spotted it and realised in a flash that he should add a tomato sauce to his portfolio.

“I saw the ‘catch-up’ line and it rang a bell, somehow,” he explained in his memoir I Copied The Ketchup Logo Off A Church Sign.

“The I saw the ‘lettuce’ and ‘relish’ lines, and that just clicked somehow.”

“But I still had no idea what flavour to make the relish until I read the last line – ‘Cuz He loves me from my head to-ma-toes’ – then it hit me, of course!”

“And after a year of making revolting head flavour relish, I thought I might as well try tomatoes instead. And there we are.”

“Lucky, really.”

As the matter is now in the hands of the lawyers, there was no comment from the church leader, the enigmatic Pastor Mayonnaise.

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‘If Cosmic Ordering works, why is Noel Edmonds still here?’ asks nation

edmonds

Categoric proof that there is no God.

A national experiment has shown that the lingering presence of Noel Edmonds disproves the existence of ‘Cosmic Ordering’.

Cosmic Ordering is the practice of writing down a list of things that you want, and then waiting for them to arrive.

Yet despite nearly 38% of the population jotting down “make Edmonds piss off”, the suspiciously dark-bearded pillock is still here.
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Advertising Feature

For years, men have been complaining about getting that nasty, white, sticky stuff all over their fingers during those all too frequent ‘do it yourself’ sessions.

Manhandling that flexible tube all on their own has left generations frustrated, sore and dissatisfied with the finish.

Easter wouldn't be Easter without them. Right Jesus?

Easter wouldn’t be Easter without them. Right Jesus?

Well worry no more because Harold based company Inspirational Enterprises are launching a brand new product that will make your solo projects much more satisfying, rewarding and will always produce a happy ending.

Introducing ‘No More No More Nails’.

No More No More Nails is an innovative new system for fixing things to other things. Instead of using messy adhesives that inevitably get on your clothes, the carpet, your wife’s hair and even on really tough days, the cat, in fact everywhere except where you need it to go, No More No More Nails enables you to precisely position things so they go where they’re meant to go and then stay there for as long as they’re meant to stay there.

Made from the highest quality round, stiff metal wire, No More No More Nails is easy to handle and will leave no sticky residue.

Using the patented ‘one flat end and one pointy end’ technology, No More No More Nails can be used with minimal training by even the most inept of home workmen. The No More No More Nails system is so easy to master, heavens!, even a woman could do it.

No More No More Nails is available now with a bag of 2000 pieces costing just £9.99.

Stop!

Stop!

Not only that but for a limited time, there is an introductory offer which includes a further 4000 pieces at no extra cost. plus, buy before the end of January and you will also get this handy No More No More Nails applicator absolutely FREE.

No more sticky fingers. No More No More Nails. That’s nailed it!

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Pathologist raises new doubts over Jesus ’cause of death’

hayfever

A handkerchief, or the holy ghost?

A retired pathologist has uncovered evidence that Jesus may not have died from crucifixion as widely reported.

Far from succumbing to a cross, professor Howes believes Jesus was overcome by hay fever, perhaps triggered by Easter flowers or the dust given off by moths.

“The bible gives quite a few clues that the real cause of death has been covered up”, claimed Howes. “A lot of the ‘evidence’ just doesn’t seem to stack up.”
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Don’t blame Me for your mess, Dave: Jesus denies all involvement in Cameron’s Big Society

rsz_money-changers

A younger, bearded David Cameron standing up to the bankers. Or it’s Jesus being tremendous, we forget which.

In a speech that had many wondering if it was somehow still April 1st David Cameron claimed that he is doing the Lord’s work. Something which Jesus strenuously denies.

In his speech Cameron said: “Jesus invented the Big Society 2,000 years ago. I just want to see more of it.” Continue reading

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God announces cabinet reshuffle

God

Despite omnipotence, God may still need to rely on coalition with Nick Clegg.

Omnipotent Christian deity God has spent the day changing some faces in his cabinet in the first reshuffle for over 2000 years. Many involved are household names and the shake up is seen as significant on earth as it is in heaven.

The big loser is God’s long time wing man Jesus of Nazareth, whose coveted position of ‘sitting at the right hand of God’ has gone to Princess Diana. The heavenly father has recently faced fresh accusations of nepotism as well as a failure to represent females in positions of power, and has seemingly smote two birds with one stone.

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Village split over Holy Jesus ‘space rock’

Fingers where added at a later date

Fingers were added at a later date

A debate between religious leaders and scientists has broken out today over the validity over a piece of space rock that appears to show the face of Jesus. Henry Slater, a leading scientist from the village, has been studying the rock closely over the past two weeks.

“The specimen is believed to have come from the ‘Terra Viam Horti’ part of the Milky Way and has hurtled millions of light years across the galaxy to land in Harold (near Dunstable), but to have travelled all that way to earth could only be down to some divine intervention” Mr Slater explained.

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