In a blistering editorial the Guardian today claims that the only possible for reason for the swimming pools at the Rio Olympics to have turned green is because “Jeremy Corbyn’s made them all bollocks like demonstrating his unfitness to lead the Labour Party and offering further proof that he’s a massive, massive git-whistle.” Continue reading
Tag Archives: Jeremy Corbyn
Professor Yaffle after a hard night on the Buckfast, Jeremy Corbyn, is today going to turn the parliamentary Labour party off and on again it the hope that’ll make it function as an effective opposition once more. Continue reading
The Dunstable University poll showed Corbyn with a 20 point lead over Smith among Labour Party members generally, and a similar lead among Labour members whose last name is ‘Smith’. But it was a surprise to find out even the ‘Owen Smith’ demographic overwhelmingly supports Corbyn, according to Professor Brian Rodgers.
Furious Blairite Labour MPs have made their most damaging allegation yet against nice-cup-of-tea-and-a-sit-down in human form Jeremy Corbyn by accusing him of shooting Bambi’s mother.
“Of course he did!” thundered Owen Smith. “This heinous act is entirely in keeping with a man who is utterly lacking in morality. Equality, social mobility, peace, redistribution of wealth, making deers orphans: these are his core values and not one of them has a place in the modern Labour party.” Continue reading
“£4.5Million? Great value” says Blair as 180,000 new members mysteriously sign up from same IP address
A giggly Tony Blair was seen yesterday, waving his credit card in the air and shouting “Let’s see you match that, Corbyn!” as security staff tried to ease him back into his home.
The former PM explained that he got the idea of multiple membership from Tories who signed up for £3 last year and voted for Jeremy Corbyn.
“Cherie and I hit the phones on Tuesday morning. We started at Adam Aardvark and reached Zebedee Zidane by Wednesday lunch. Continue reading
Are Blairites (or is that Blairongs?) worried that a Corbyn victory could lead to the end of banker and defence contractor junkets, and consign them to years in the wilderness where a Murdoch party invitation and an oil war are both pipe dreams?
A future SO terrible they’d have to pay for their own drinks?
“Just a glance at the Chilcot report shows just how unsuited Corbyn is to lead the country into a Middle Eastern war” said foreign dictator consultant Blair.
“The report rightly praised me for taking the most flimsy intelligence in a dossier and misrepresenting it so well that people were convinced Saddam could make a nuclear bomb from sand. Can you imagine Corbyn doing that if he’d been PM? He’s so naive he’d have just told the British public there was no immediate threat which would make it very hard to have a decent war.”
The vast majority of Labour MPs have today confirmed that they will no longer be serving their constituencies and the country as a whole and from now on will be one hundred per cent focussed on their own narrow interests and financial futures. Continue reading
In a move of either political genius or heartbreaking stupidity, Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has sensationally resigned from his own shadow cabinet along with everyone else.
Giving the reason for his resignation as “the staggering incompetence of the leadership around here”, Corbyn seems to finally have struck a chord with Labour voters, seeing his approval rating leap.
“The people in charge of this party have to realise that their performance just hasn’t been good enough,” he explained to a bemused interviewer this morning.
“During the referendum campaign I was completely invisible, lacklustre and unconvincing,” he thundered. “And it’s about time I stood up and told me I’m not taking any more of myself.”
Comforting mole-person in khaki slacks, Jeremy Corbyn, has spoken of his utter shock on learning that the UK is in the grip of a referendum debate.
“I was aware that people are talking about something a lot,” he said. “I thought that maybe Bake Off was back on or something.” Continue reading
Corbyn, a long time cardigan fancier, said he was immediately taken by the striking black and white checked pattern on one his regular visits to the Islington branch of the Cardigan’s Protection League.
“The pattern reminded me of a chessboard, and the stirring bishop and pawn battles I had with the other boys at Grammar School. Chess was such a great game, but completely unsuited to meeting girls, which is why I packed it in and starting marching against the bomb instead” reminisced Corbyn.
Despite being in opposition to a pack of weasels led by a man who’d frack his own grandmother if he thought she was naturally gassy enough to make an (offshore) profit, the Labour party remain unable to look anywhere other than up their own arse.
“It’s very easy to say we’re missing an open goal,” said Jeremy Corbyn. “But the important thing to do is first establish what game we’re playing. I want to be goalie, Hilary Benn insists we’re playing rugby union and Dianne Abbott is wandering around asking everyone why she’s wearing wicket keeping gloves.” Continue reading
“They’re not freeloading warmongers so what’s the point?”: Blair admits he’s ‘baffled’ by Corbyn and Sanders
Friend to dictators everywhere and queen of people’s hearts, Tony Blair, has claimed that he is baffled by the success of Jeremy Corbyn and Bernie Sanders.
“It makes no sense to me,” said the perma-tanned god botherer. “Neither of them are in politics to make as much money for themselves as they can and neither of them have a grasping wife who fills her boots to the very brim too. I mean, come on, what’s the point if you’re not out for everything you can get?” He went on to criticise Corbyn’s policies. “Free tuition fees: well, that’s great, but someone’s going to have pay for it. An end to war, but there are wars. Mainly because I start them.” Continue reading
Blairite MPs Tristram Hunt, John Woodcock, and Mike Gapes say they are sick of all the infighting caused by Jeremy Corbyn’s leadership, and a trip to the mountains is just the tonic to clear their heads.
The centre-right of the Labour party is up in arms, after Jeremy Corbyn sacked Michael … whatsisname, err Dugher.
Their feeling is that a strong Blairite is needed to pretend to do a job that’s already being done by someone else.
Dugher was previously not in charge of transport. Before that he was not in charge of anything at all, as shadow minister without portfolio.
As the north continues to be battered by floods the Guardian newspaper has decided to blame the whole thing on Jeremy Corbyn.
“Ever since he became leader our stance has very much been when the news is nasty or scaremy, don’t think, just blame Jeremy,” Guardian editor Katharine Viner told us. “And the floods are a perfect excuse to carry on.” Continue reading
Archaeologists were celebrating today after the discovery of what is thought to be the smallest, hardest to find apology in the history of writing.
The apology, which experts believe is on the bottom left corner of the front page of the Sun newspaper, was forced upon that publication after they were found to have lied to their readers by claiming Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn swore allegiance to the Queen for monetary benefit.
The Sun printed this story in massive letters a foot high, complete with a page-filling image of Corbyn with a jester’s hat clumsily Photoshopped on by a lazy intern.
The apology measured approximately 0.0000000000000000002 millimetres in height, was written in Welsh, and was actually only visible to eagles.
“We can’t believe we found it,” explained chief archaeologist Montana Evans. “We’ve never actually seen anything that small before, it’s a work of genius – only someone with the tiniest of tools and mind could have put it there.”
When asked why they had not apologised more noticeably for lying to their readers, a spokesperson for the Sun was keen to explain, saying:
“It’s pretty simple. We don’t want people to know we lie to our readers, so we commissioned this new micro-font that’s too small for humans to read, and used that.”
Jeremy Corbyn has hit the music scene with what critics say will be this year’s Christmas Number One.
A fabulous video now out of the kindly pensioner singing Happy Birthday Dear Katie has taken the UK by storm.
Harold media analyst Dr Lizzie Phillips says ‘out-of-tune’ is the new black. “He’s very popular. I’d definitely put a fiver on him winning X-factor.”
The video was tastefully shot in Cockermouth, showing Jeremy and Katie hugging in the cold air, surrounded by festive sand-bags.
There were celebrations all over Westminster last night as the Labour Party launched another splinter group to demonstrate their cohesiveness.
Open Labour joins Momentum, Labour First, The Labour That Melts in Your Mouth and Not in Your Hand, and The People’s Front of Judea amongst many other groups each espousing the ‘correct’ way to be left of the government. Continue reading