Tag Archives: Jeremy Corbyn

Late Tax Return fine elevates Corbyn to Total Hero status

Hero.

Just an ordinary taxpayer.

Millions of people were celebrating last night after hearing the news that Jeremy Corbyn was fined £100 for a late Tax Return.

“Unlike Cameron, Corbyn only had one box to fill in,” said a tax expert, “but he despises all aspects of capitalism and fascist tax collectors in particular and basically couldn’t give a monkey’s nuts about their deadlines.  The man is Legend.”

“He had from early April until the end of the following January to submit his Tax Return,” explained local accountant Geoffrey King. “It’s a remarkable level of procrastination, normally only achievable by ordinary, hard-working people.  No wonder his popularity is on the increase.”

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“They’re not freeloading warmongers so what’s the point?”: Blair admits he’s ‘baffled’ by Corbyn and Sanders

Tony Blair

He is never, ever, going to go away especially not to the Hague

Friend to dictators everywhere and queen of people’s hearts, Tony Blair, has claimed that he is baffled by the success of Jeremy Corbyn and Bernie Sanders.

“It makes no sense to me,” said the perma-tanned god botherer. “Neither of them are in politics to make as much money for themselves as they can and neither of them have a grasping wife who fills her boots to the very brim too. I mean, come on, what’s the point if you’re not out for everything you can get?” He went on to criticise Corbyn’s policies. “Free tuition fees: well, that’s great, but someone’s going to have pay for it. An end to war, but there are wars. Mainly because I start them.” Continue reading

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Blairites buy ice axe

ice axeThe right wing of the Labour Party say a new-found interest in mountaineering is behind their purchase of one shiny new and very sharp ice axe.

Blairite MPs Tristram Hunt, John Woodcock, and Mike Gapes say they are sick of all the infighting caused by Jeremy Corbyn’s leadership, and a trip to the mountains is just the tonic to clear their heads.
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Outrage as Corbyn sacks man no one’s heard of from job that wasn’t real

Dugher

We asked his family and they don’t know who he is either

The centre-right of the Labour party is up in arms, after Jeremy Corbyn sacked Michael … whatsisname, err Dugher.

Their feeling is that a strong Blairite is needed to pretend to do a job that’s already being done by someone else.

Dugher was previously not in charge of transport. Before that he was not in charge of anything at all, as shadow minister without portfolio.

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Guardian blames Jeremy Corbyn for floods

He’s staring at the sky to summon more rain. And Cthulhu.

As the north continues to be battered by floods the Guardian newspaper has decided to blame the whole thing on Jeremy Corbyn.

“Ever since he became leader our stance has very much been when the news is nasty or scaremy, don’t think, just blame Jeremy,” Guardian editor Katharine Viner told us. “And the floods are a perfect excuse to carry on.” Continue reading

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Archaeologists discover tiny Corbyn apology buried on Sun front page

sun1

Where’s that pesky little apology?

Archaeologists were celebrating today after the discovery of what is thought to be the smallest, hardest to find apology in the history of writing.

The apology, which experts believe is on the bottom left corner of the  front page of the Sun newspaper, was forced upon that publication after they were found to have lied to their readers by claiming Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn swore allegiance to the Queen for monetary benefit.

The Sun printed this story in massive letters a foot high, complete with a page-filling image of Corbyn with a jester’s hat clumsily Photoshopped on by a lazy intern.

The apology measured approximately 0.0000000000000000002 millimetres in height, was written in Welsh, and was actually only visible to eagles.

“We can’t believe we found it,” explained chief archaeologist Montana Evans. “We’ve never actually seen anything that small before, it’s a work of genius – only someone with the tiniest of tools and mind could have put it there.”

When asked why they had not apologised more noticeably for lying to their readers, a spokesperson for the Sun was keen to explain, saying:

“It’s pretty simple. We don’t want people to know we lie to our readers, so we commissioned this new micro-font that’s too small for humans to read, and used that.”

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Jeremy Corbyn launches singing career with sure-fire Christmas hit

So sweet

So sweet

Jeremy Corbyn has hit the music scene with what critics say will be this year’s Christmas Number One.

A fabulous video now out of the kindly pensioner singing Happy Birthday Dear Katie has taken the UK by storm.

Harold media analyst Dr Lizzie Phillips says ‘out-of-tune’ is the new black.  “He’s very popular.  I’d definitely put a fiver on him winning X-factor.”

The video was tastefully shot in Cockermouth, showing Jeremy and Katie hugging in the cold air, surrounded by festive sand-bags.

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Labour launch another splinter group to prove how united they are

business-people-yelling-at-each-other-300x299

The Left united will never be defeated! Oops

There were celebrations all over Westminster last night as the Labour Party launched another splinter group to demonstrate their cohesiveness.

Open Labour joins Momentum, Labour First, The Labour That Melts in Your Mouth and Not in Your Hand, and The People’s Front of Judea amongst many other groups each espousing the ‘correct’ way to be left of the government. Continue reading

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Tired Cameron calls for vote to change Syria’s climate.

"You don't need a weatherman..."

“You don’t need a weatherman…”

David Cameron could be getting in a muddle as he flits back and forth between the Climate Change Conference in Paris and earnest war-mongering efforts in London.

Fears that he is over-stretching his mind were not allayed on Monday night when he called for a Commons vote to change the Syrian climate.

“The problem is, he’s got his head in too many places at the same time,” said one commentator.

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Filed under bombs, environment, Europe, floods, ice, International News, Labour, Nature, Politics, War, Weather

Anti-terror police raid Westminster address after tip-off 500 planning bombing campaign

"We just thought they were blood-sucking leeches" said shocked locals

“We just thought they were blood-sucking leeches” said shocked locals

Anti-terror police say they have raided a Westminster address known as the House of Commons and arrested 500 people on suspicion of planning a genocidal bombing campaign in Syria after a tip-off from a 66 year-old Islington informer.

The majority of the people arrested belong to the well known terrorist group ‘the Tories’ who have been launching attacks on domestic targets such as the NHS and disabled people for years.

But alarmingly the Tories have recently been joined by a dangerous splinter group called ‘Tory lite’ who have links to fugitive war criminal Tony Blair.
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Corbyn condemns use of violence in Tyson Fury’s heavyweight title win

Corbyn shareJeremy Corbyn says Britain should have obtained the World Heavyweight Boxing title through non-violent means, such as diplomacy or Frank Bruno.

“I accept by using Tyson Fury, Britain has won the world heavyweight crown, but at what cost? Innocent civilians had to listen to him sing an Aerosmith ballad” said Corbyn.
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Syrian air strikes: MPs to examine their consciences; or ‘ask the wife’.

image

Excuse me while I let this off…

Prime Minister Cameron has sent all MPs back to their homes and constituencies this weekend with clear instructions to examine their own consciences about the exciting prospect of bombing the shit out of Syria.

“It’s diplomatic language,” explained a spokesman for Number Ten. “Most of the male members [of The Commons] haven’t got a clue how to think straight and reason with logic, especially if they try to fit it in while watching Match of the Day.

“Their wives, on the other hand, have very clear views, often expressed in a tone of voice that obviates the need for further discussion, while cooking dinner, sorting the laundry, helping the kids with their homework and planning the Christmas seating arrangements.”

“Hopefully,” he concluded, “they’ll all come back here on Monday morning, eager to toe the line, or risk hanging their members [their penises] out to dry for the foreseeable future.”

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Ken Livingstone: Labour’s defence policy will be “to ask for an apology”

ken300-300

Ken says ‘He started it.’

Ken Livingstone, chair of Labour’s defence review, says not apologising to Kevan Jones for a mental health slur “until he apologises to me”, is an exemplar of Labour’s new direction on defence policy.

“My whole life models how the country should be run.” explained the former London Mayor and enthusiastic tax-payer.

 

“Rather like Jesus, Continue reading

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Corbyn opposes ‘shoot on sight’ policy for England football team

rooneyJeremy Corbyn has appealed to Wayne Rooney not to shoot on sight this evening but to attempt to coax the ball in with reason and dialogue first.

Corbyn favours peaceful resolution of international disputes, whether in Northern Ireland, the Middle East, or the dreary north-London suburb of Wembley.

Arbitrary time limits don’t help though, he said.”To build trust takes much longer than 90 minutes, and both of the teams and the innocent ball should be prepared to stay on until the weekend, maybe longer.”

“A well-known technique in the process is the use of various trust games.” explained the 2015 Labour leader. “One participant might, say, guide a blindfolded colleague round an obstacle course; so, very useful for Joe Hart.”

Corbyn outlined how other exercises can then move things on to a higher level. “Team-building exercises are especially helpful and might involve, say, building a log raft or engaging in some form of co-operative sport. Possibly volleyball or football”.

 

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Queen puts Corbyn at ease at swearing in ceremony with ‘while you’re down there’ quip

Corbyn meets QueenJeremy Corbyn’s Privy Council swearing-in proved to be less frosty than envisaged thanks to the Queen quipping ‘while you’re down there sonny’ as he knelt before her.

Royal protocol is that new Privy Councillors kneel before the Queen and lightly kiss her hand, and there was concern staunch Republican Corbyn wouldn’t play ball.
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Corbyn fails to bayonet Hun in Remembrance Day snub, says Sun

"Gott in Himmel - es ist Jeremy Corbyn"

“Gott in Himmel – es ist Jeremy Corbyn”

The Sun says Jeremy Corbyn has snubbed war veterans by not bayoneting any Germans on Remembrance Day.

In a small backtrack from yesterday, Sun editor Tony Gallagher conceded Mr Corbyn may have done a small nod as he laid a wreath at the Cenotaph, but said it was ‘too little, too late’ and Corbyn should have given the Hun a taste of cold, hard steel.

“We all know Corbyn is anti-war, but is it really too much to ask him to attach a bayonet to a Lee-Enfield rifle and slice through a few German tourists when it would mean so much for the veterans and their families?” said Gallagher.
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Corbyn fails to refute Time Lord rumours

Corbyn's mission is to save the planet from Tories

Corbyn’s mission is to save the planet from Tories

Jeremy Corbyn, the latest regeneration of the Labour Party leader, has become known as ‘The Doctor’ within the corridors of Labour Central Office for his eccentric behaviour and general unworldliness.

“It started as a bit of a joke because of his likeness to the actor Peter Capaldi and his dislike for wearing a tie” a Labour insider revealed, “but we soon realised that the similarity went beyond his appearance, thanks to his bizarre statements and unintelligible policies.”

“For instance,” continued the bemused insider, “as I was passing the Tardis – as his office is known – I’m almost certain I overheard Jeremy likening Ian Duncan-Smith to a Sontaran who could only be controlled by the evil Davros; and it is common knowledge that he believes the Queen is a Weeping Angel.” Continue reading

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Jeremy Corbyn would replace Trident with Ronnie Pickering

Do you know who I am Mr Putin?

Do you know who I am Mr Putin?

Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn, has revealed that his plan for an alternative to the Trident nuclear deterrent is to have Ronnie Pickering offer to fight any hostile countries.

The logic behind Trident is to deter a nuclear attack on the UK because, even if normal defences were destroyed, the submarine carrying the weapon could still launch a devastating retaliatory attack. Corbyn believes this same deterrent can be achieved with the threat of Ronnie Pickering offering to step outside for a bare-knuckle fight with anybody that nuked the country. Continue reading

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Queen to burn Jeremy Corbyn at the stake if he doesn’t bow to her

Like all State occasions this one has been relentlessly rehearsed with Her Maj’s Scottish home, Castle Black, standing in for Buck House

As republican and reminder of a lovely teacher you had at school, Jeremy Corbyn, continues to weigh up the pros and cons of bowing to the Queen when he is made a privy counsellor, Her Majesty has entered the debate by saying that he will “burn if he doesn’t bend the knee.”

The Queen is set to have Corbyn executed on the grounds that she’ll do whatever it takes to “get some respect.” She went on to add that “dear Cousin Stannis had the right idea.” Continue reading

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Corby’s Corner – Jeremy Corbyn exclusive!

corbyIn a major scoop, newly elected Labour Leader, Jeremy Corbyn writes exclusively for the Evening Harold. This is mainly because we pretended we were from the Socialist Worker but that’s fine because we’re more working class than him so lying is acceptable.

 

Hello Comrades,

Well it’s been quite a week, but democracy has spoken and the revolution has started.

I’ve fulfilled my election promise by having more gels in my Executive Committee but I’m still hearing dissent from the rank and file because there aren’t enough gels in the top jobs. I’ve done my best by having a chap called Hilary shadowing the Foreign brief, but you can’t be too careful with gels. Until I get to know them how do I know one of them won’t turn out to be a Thatcher?

I’ve had to make a few changes to the Party structure already. I’ve dispensed with the services of all those spin doctors as we won’t be needing any of them anymore. Of course, it’s sad for the people concerned but the way I see it, that’s another 876 people added to the unemployment list showing that the vicious Tory policies are simply not working. Continue reading

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