Blimey, the White Witch has let herself go
Millions of viewers have been enchanted by the BBC’s latest costume drama spectacular this time based on a book most people have read and not one they’re pretending to have as is the case with War and Peace.
The sumptuous adaptation of C.S Lewis’ classic tale tells the story of a small boy called Sir John Chilcot who wanders into a strange land held in the grip of winter by a powerful and deluded ruler who wouldn’t know the truth if it sat on their face and wiggled. Continue reading
Tony Blair helping some children, yesterday.
A children’s charity that presented Tony Blair with a Legacy Award has blamed the mistake on associations with a group advocating childhood bombing.
“Save The Children” is traditionally linked with preserving and improving the lives of children, a move clearly at odds with the achievements of the former Prime Minister.
“Sadly, we have somehow become entangled with the organisation “Bomb The Children”, admitted spokesman Eric Blunkett. “A charity that works tirelessly to drop heavy ordnance on towns and villages where young people live.”
“We’re not sure how this mistake happened, but on reflection we’ve agreed that bombing children is a mistake. Our latest research suggests it’s almost entirely detrimental.”
Arms companies have welcomed America’s decision to supply guns and ammunition to Kurdish fighters.
There were concerns that a lack of ‘boots on the ground’ would see sales of arms reaching pre-Iraq levels.
“At the moment the world is fighting two wars,” a spokesman for arms dealers explained. “One against Ebola, and one against ISIS.
“Sadly you can’t bomb the hell out of Ebola, no matter how often we suggest it, so we are relying on a prolonged war against ISIS to help give us world peace and a decent Christmas bonus.
Filed under News, Politics
Tony’s is a strange sort of war-face
Tony Blair, Middle East peace envoy and man with the most erroneous job title in history, has published a guide to better sex on his Tony Blair Faith Foundation website. In it he says that he has discovered that the secret to being a great lover is to be near constantly trying to start a war. “War in the desert really hots things up in the bedroom,” he writes. Continue reading
He likes big bombs and he cannot lie…
In a televised address last night Barack Obama announced his Bombing for Peace plan. Revealing he means to defeat Isis and bring stability to Syria and Iraq by using the mass application of deadly violence. Over the years Obama has become ever more hawkish in his foreign policy and is now the kind of man who if you asked him if he liked bombs and drone strikes would reply “yes, I really like bombs and drone strikes” and give himself a little hug just at the mere mention of them. Continue reading
It has emerged that President Obama follows a simple decision chart when tacking tough diplomatic issues in potential areas of conflict.
Unlike previous presidents like Ronald Regan, who asked his wife’s astrologist, or Bill Clinton, who consulted whoever he was sleeping with at the time, Obama has modelled his chart on the past thirty years of US foreign involvement. Continue reading
Some have criticised Jihadist management techniques as ‘crude’.
Islamic insurgents who took over an oil refinery in Iraq are confident they ‘have what it takes’ to run the plant efficiently.
ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi addressed his associates, while clutching an AK-47 and a Six Sigma training manual.
“Allah Akbar, change management is great”, said al-Baghdadi. “This new agile way of working will value all partners equally, especially those infidels who have relevant engineering qualifications.”
Al-Baghdadi explained how his first initiative was to introduce a flat management structure. “I did this by entering the boardroom and gunning everyone down, and then leaving the bodies to lay on the floor. It was a frank but constructive meeting, we do not have a blame culture.”
The only people less fond of peace than Tony Blair
USS George H.W Bush. America has ten of these things. Bit greedy, no?
President Obama has denied ordering US Navy ships into the Persian Gulf for hostile reasons.
“Our ships, their thousands of armed personnel and countless drones and missiles, are not getting close to Iraq to start a conflict,” he told the American people in a televised address. “We are merely dolphin watching which is just lovely. Many other things are lovely including oil and massively lucrative reconstruction projects but they’re for another day. I pinky swear.” Continue reading
It’s no use looking up there, Tone. God’s not the slightest bit impressed.
There is fear and confusion on the streets of Harold this morning following the publication of an essay on Iraq by Tony Blair. In it the former PM states that “We have to liberate ourselves from the notion that ‘we’ have caused this.” Continue reading
Will he ever go away? No, he will never go away
There was panic across the globe last night when Tony Blair slithered out from under his rock and demanded the chance to bring peace to Iraq.
“People say I did a bad job last time,” Blair said, “but that’s not true. What with the speaking engagements, consultancies and peace envoy duties I’ve gotten off the back of it I’ve made myself very rich indeed. Job well done say I.” Continue reading
“The lies I told about Iraq were this big…”
During his phone-in on LBC today Boris Johnson, a clever man pretending to be a golden retriever pretending to be an idiot, described Tony Blair as an “eel-like customer”. And in doing so lent a fresh dignity to British politics. Continue reading
Tony Blair: massive threat to both village productivity and world peace
The village of Harold has declared itself the UK’s first Tony Blair exclusion zone after it was determined that he was having an adverse effect on productivity.
“We’ve lost countless working hours to Tony Blair,” said Harold’s mayor Rufus D. Jackson. “Every time he’s on the radio, TV or in the press pontificating about this, trying to start another war over that, people are unable to concentrate on their jobs as they have to vent about his hypocrisy and greed.” Continue reading
Blair’s warmongery stocks a range of traditional tin blood baths.
Tony Blair has moved to Harold and opened a traditional little warmongers, with organic biological weapons and free-range dossiers a speciality.
But locals are worried that the business could affect house prices, particularly if a bomb should go off.
‘Deng of Iniquity: Warmongery to the discerning despot’ has taken over the premises of Harold’s cancer research shop. It’s also been knocked through to the neighbouring chippy, after Blair heard that ‘The Stephen Fryer’ held large stocks of oil.
Some residents have been more welcoming to Blair than others; Cllr Ron Ronnson was one of the first to greet him. “Lovely to meet you, did you bring any money?”, Blair joked. “I won’t shake hands if you don’t mind. I’ve got blood on them.”
Medics eventually arrived to rub salt into his wounds.
Tony Blair is said to be in a critical condition after a member of the public carried out a routine citizen’s Stop and Search on the former PM.
‘have-a-go-hero’ Melanie Jones spotted Blair driving around in broad daylight, and instinctively knew she should bring him in.
“It was so brazen, this known criminal was just cruising around without so much as a by your leave”, said Jones. “So I slammed my car into the side of his before shooting him in citizen’s self defence.”
Police eventually arrived on the scene after consulting their lawyers and carrying out a risk assessment. Later they decided that they ought to email for an ambulance, as soon as they’d finished searching the scene for incriminating evidence.
Tony Blair (right, in balaclava) spoke of the horrors of war
After reluctantly agreeing to the Iraqi government’s desperate plea for weapons to fight insurgents who are taking over the country, the United States has angrily demanded to know how the hell the country got into such a shitty state to begin with.
American surveillance drones and Hellfire missiles will shortly be delivered to help with the attack on the city of Fallujah, which has fallen to Islamic militants, but US Secretary of State John Kerry insisted this morning that the USA will not continue indefinitely to clean up “other people’s messes”. Continue reading