David Cameron has ended speculation about why he’s chosen to resign as an MP by stating it’s because he can’t cope with being in the same room as ordinary people. Continue reading
Tag Archives: David Cameron
“Once you realise that – no mystery.” drawled a chillaxed David Cameron from a sunny beach.
“Good PR at the time – I did that before I became an MP as well, you know. Sun’s a bit fierce, would you mind shifting the umbrella to the left? No more Cornwall for me, thank God – I was lying about that too.” Continue reading
The pair were said to be exhausted after 6 years of coming up with ever more outlandish reasons why the poor had to bear the brunt of austerity, and pleased to now have the more relaxing job of rolling around in a pile of daddy’s money.
A shock poll has revealed that most people have forgotten who the windy sack of bobbins pictured on the left is. While his wide red face does ring a vague bell few are able to commit and state precisely why they know him.
“Something to do with livestock?” guessed local farmer, Phil Evans. “I remember having to put a no entry sign on the pigsties but I’m buggered if I know why.” Continue reading
Speaking to a packed House of Commons David Cameron has confirmed that in order to provide the nation with leadership and stability Larry the cat, currently in post as Downing Street’s top mouser, will be Prime Minister very soon.
“This country is divided and facing economic armageddon,” Cameron said from the dispatch box. “I don’t know why everyone’s pointing and jeering as if that’s somehow my fault. Anyway, we need a strong leader and Larry is by some margin the most capable and popular member of this government. Plus no one knows who his dad is so there’s no Panama-style revelations lurking in any closets there.” Continue reading
David Cameron has told Britain that somebody else can deal with all of the shit that will come from leaving the EU, because he is not having it.
“Every economic forecaster said what would happen in the event of a vote to Leave, but you chose to believe Nigel Farage instead.” said Cameron, already packing his Margaret Thatcher memorabilia into a cardboard box.
“Falling stocks, a nosedive for the pound, early warnings of job losses from business, but that’s ok apparently, because you were made vague promises about immigration and the NHS. Well you can deal with it your fucking selves.”
“I’ve set the bar high, but this is really, really embarrassing” said Cameron. “And it will only get worse, do I really have to congratulate Boris and Nigel?”
As the Brexit and Remain campaigns launch into their final fevered day of shouting at the rest of us like we’re all five and didn’t go to the toilet when Miss told us too and now look at the mess there is concern on both sides that voters aren’t yet sufficiently terrified.
“I don’t want people mooching into the polling centre early evening to casually take part in a little light democracy,” said Boris Johnson. “I want them queuing up half the night scared beyond words by the thought that if they don’t get that cross in the leave box as soon as possible 800 million Turks will invade by teatime and bugger the NHS to death with a simit.” Continue reading
Dr Wollaston, Tory chairman of the Health Select Committee, has clambered aboard the other EU referendum horse and galloped off in the opposite direction.
“It was a shock to find that Boris Johnson and Michael Gove were psychopaths, lying about spending £350 million a week more on the NHS. Who knew?” said Dr Wollaston yesterday. “So I’ve thrown my lot in with different psychopaths such as David Cameron and George Osborne.”
Wollaston was pleased that she could both remain a Tory MP and retain her professional integrity.
“And luckily. my position on the Hippocratic Oath is unaffected. There’s nothing in there about selling off the NHS.”
David Cameron has spoke of his disappointment now that the news that seven year old Yamato Tanooka has been found after spending six days alone in a bear-filled forest makes him look rubbish.
“When I’d had it up to here with one of my kids I simply left her behind in rather a nice pub,” he said. “Yamato’s parents took it to another level. That really was one hell of a naughty step the little chap was put on.” Continue reading
Islamic State have hit back in the row between David Cameron and Boris Johnson over the terror threat level. Cameron says leaving the EU will make the UK more vulnerable; Johnson says the opposite.
“Praise the Lord, Brexit or not to Brexit makes no f*cking difference,” said ISIS in a Tweet translated by Google.
Cameron, who thinks the way to fix a financial system plundered by the elites is to take more money off disabled people, said Trump needed to be sent a message that it was wrong to brag about picking on certain groups and to divide society.
In a tearful interview with ITN’s Robert Peston, David Cameron has been forced to disclose that he’s not the fabulously wealthy millionaire many of his inner circle believed.
“I feel conned,” said one city banker. “He’s not getting invited round my mansion again.”
Cameron spoke at length about how he was often on the verge of bankruptcy, how the mortgage company lay in wait, ready to repossess his home and sell it cheap at auction to a builder; and how he was forced to sneak down the food banks late at night disguised as a heroin addict and buy his suits from Oxfam.
“Samantha gives me earache every time I go overdrawn,” he said.
This is the first time Cameron has come clean about his true state of poverty. And properly wealthy members of his inner circle are already beginning to distance themselves from him for his hypocrisy.
Asked whether the Prime Minister’s family was still active in Mafiosi crime, his spokesperson replied: “That is a private matter, I am focused on what the Government is doing.”
When asked if “what the Government is doing” included construction, sanitation, and insurance industries in Sicily, the spokesman agreed that it was.
“However,” added the spokesman, a daunting seven-foot figure in dark overcoat and homburg, “We do not anticipate any interest from the Crown Prosecution Service. Particularly those members who possess race horses.”
“My mother always said ‘look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves’, so I’m determined to go through the 11 million leaked Panamanian files and catch a few welfare cheats, and rely on the super-rich to look after themselves” said Cameron.
“It’s great entertainment, think ‘the Hunger Games’, but for older, fat people” beamed life-long socialist and Harold Café owner Pippa Delaney. “And there’s no petty backstabbing, they’re all going straight for each other’s hearts – good luck if they can find one!”
For many Brexit fans, ‘Project Fear’ has now become ‘Project Pure Terror’.
“Shit’s just got real” said local headmaster Clive Morris. “A Cameron nude selfie might not break the internet, but it would certainly leave it rather soiled.”
François Hollande has warned David Cameron that Britain must support the remake of Ghostbusters whose trailer was launched today. At a summit with David Cameron to discuss whether tampering with the memory of the beloved 1980s original is a good idea or not the French President told reporters that it was time to embrace togetherness and applaud a gender-swapped cast and a new script.
“I don’t want to scare you, but I just want to say the truth. There will be consequences in many areas if Britain remains stubborn to its belief that without Bill Murray in the lead role Ghostbusters is nothing,” he said. “Now that doesn’t mean that everything will be destroyed, I don’t want to give you a catastrophic scenario. But there will be consequences.” Continue reading
EU vote means terrifying choice between something supported by David Cameron and something supported by Iain Duncan Smith
People thinking of voting to stay in the EU are worried they will be seen to be supporting hands-free interactions with pigs, while potential Brexit voters don’t want to give the impression they agree ‘fit to work’ means ‘currently breathing, or warm enough so resuscitation is still possible’.
As the UK was awarded its Specialist Snowflake in the Whole EU badge last night, David Cameron puzzled everyone by saying “I will be campaigning with all my heart and soul to persuade the British people to remain in the reformed EU that we have secured today” despite having spent every waking moment since 2010 proving that he possesses neither.