Tag Archives: David Cameron

“Because I met my constituents” why Cameron really resigned

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After this Dave couldn’t bear to talk to plebs ever again. 

David Cameron has ended speculation about why he’s chosen to resign as an MP by stating it’s because he can’t cope with being in the same room as ordinary people. Continue reading

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Differing reports on Troubled Families explained: “I was lying” says Cameron

Fat Dave utilising his right to cause offence

Unhappier times for the Camerons – in Cornwall

“Once you realise that – no mystery.” drawled a chillaxed David Cameron from a sunny beach.

“Good PR at the time – I did that before I became an MP as well, you know. Sun’s a bit fierce, would you mind shifting the umbrella to the left? No more Cornwall for me, thank God – I was lying about that too.” Continue reading

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Cameron and Osborne resume their ‘inheritor of money’ careers

cameron-osborneA few days after their ‘funneling money to their mates’ careers ended, David Cameron and George Osborne have resumed their ‘inheritor of money’ careers.

The pair were said to be exhausted after 6 years of coming up with ever more outlandish reasons why the poor had to bear the brunt of austerity, and pleased to now have the more relaxing job of rolling around in a pile of daddy’s money.
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Everyone’s forgotten who this bloke is

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He was the bass player in Gene, wasn’t he?

A shock poll has revealed that most people have forgotten who the windy sack of bobbins pictured on the left is. While his wide red face does ring a vague bell few are able to commit and state precisely why they know him.

“Something to do with livestock?” guessed local farmer, Phil Evans. “I remember having to put a no entry sign on the pigsties but I’m buggered if I know why.” Continue reading

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Larry the cat will be in place as Prime Minister in days, Cameron confirms

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We think he’ll do a purrfect job. Purrfect, get it? Purrfect. Please yourselves.

Speaking to a packed House of Commons David Cameron has confirmed that in order to provide the nation with leadership and stability Larry the cat, currently in post as Downing Street’s top mouser, will be Prime Minister very soon.

“This country is divided and facing economic armageddon,” Cameron said from the dispatch box. “I don’t know why everyone’s pointing and jeering as if that’s somehow my fault. Anyway, we need a strong leader and Larry is by some margin the most capable and popular member of this government. Plus no one knows who his dad is so there’s no Panama-style revelations lurking in any closets there.” Continue reading

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‘You voted for this shit, you deal with it’ Cameron tells Britain

See *that* exit? I'm going through it asap

See *that* exit? I’m going through it asap

David Cameron has told Britain that somebody else can deal with all of the shit that will come from leaving the EU, because he is not having it.

“Every economic forecaster said what would happen in the event of a vote to Leave, but you chose to believe Nigel Farage instead.” said Cameron, already packing his Margaret Thatcher memorabilia into a cardboard box.

“Falling stocks, a nosedive for the pound, early warnings of job losses from business, but that’s ok apparently, because you were made vague promises about immigration and the NHS. Well you can deal with it your fucking selves.”

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Entering a pig now second most embarrassing thing to happen to David Cameron

CameronHaving sexy time with a pig is now the second most embarrassing thing to happen to David Cameron, with leaving his child in the pub relegated to 3rd place.

“I’ve set the bar high, but this is really, really embarrassing” said Cameron. “And it will only get worse, do I really have to congratulate Boris and Nigel?”
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Politicians worried that voters aren’t scared enough yet

Today both sides will be crossing the country releasing these onto high streets

As the Brexit and Remain campaigns launch into their final fevered day of shouting at the rest of us like we’re all five and didn’t go to the toilet when Miss told us too and now look at the mess there is concern on both sides that voters aren’t yet sufficiently terrified.

“I don’t want people mooching into the polling centre early evening to casually take part in a little light democracy,” said Boris Johnson. “I want them queuing up half the night scared beyond words by the thought that if they don’t get that cross in the leave box as soon as possible 800 million Turks will invade by teatime and bugger the NHS to death with a simit.” Continue reading

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MP Sarah Wollaston swaps sides to a different set of liars

sarah_wollaston

I’ve thrown my lot in with different psychopaths, such as David Cameron and George Osborne

Dr Wollaston, Tory chairman of the Health Select Committee, has clambered aboard the other EU referendum horse and galloped off in the opposite direction.

“It was a shock to find that Boris Johnson and Michael Gove were psychopaths, lying about spending £350 million a week more on the NHS. Who knew?” said Dr Wollaston yesterday. “So I’ve thrown my lot in with different psychopaths such as David Cameron and George Osborne.”

Wollaston was pleased that she could both remain a Tory MP and retain her professional integrity.

“And luckily. my position on the Hippocratic Oath is unaffected. There’s nothing in there about selling off the NHS.”

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Cameron sad that his attempt at child abandonment now looks crap

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Stylish: all Asian black bears have the Batman logo on their chests. They’re massive fans.

David Cameron has spoke of his disappointment now that the news that seven year old Yamato Tanooka has been found after spending six days alone in a bear-filled forest makes him look rubbish.

“When I’d had it up to here with one of my kids I simply left her behind in rather a nice pub,” he said. “Yamato’s parents took it to another level. That really was one hell of a naughty step the little chap was put on.” Continue reading

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Cameron and Johnson both wrong about terror threat, say ISIS

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Is that you’re best shot, you pussy? My mother has a stronger grip.

Islamic State have hit back in the row between David Cameron and Boris Johnson over the terror threat level. Cameron says leaving the EU will make the UK more vulnerable; Johnson says the opposite.

“Praise the Lord, Brexit or not to Brexit makes no f*cking difference,” said ISIS in a Tweet translated by Google.

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Stupid and wrong person refuses to apologise for calling stupid and wrong person ‘stupid and wrong’

Camerump pool their intellectual resources to no avail

Camerump pool their intellectual resources to no avail

David Cameron, the well known intellectual giant and friend of the oppressed, has refused to apologise for calling Donald Trump ‘stupid and wrong’.

Cameron, who thinks the way to fix a financial system plundered by the elites is to take more money off disabled people, said Trump needed to be sent a message that it was wrong to brag about picking on certain groups and to divide society.
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Embarrassment for Cameron as his friends find out he’s not so wealthy after all

Bankrupt, both financially and morally.

Bankrupt, both financially and morally.

In a tearful interview with ITN’s Robert Peston, David Cameron has been forced to disclose that he’s not the fabulously wealthy millionaire many of his inner circle believed.

“I feel conned,” said one city banker.  “He’s not getting invited round my mansion again.”

Cameron spoke at length about how he was often on the verge of bankruptcy, how the mortgage company lay in wait, ready to repossess his home and sell it cheap at auction to a builder; and how he was forced to sneak down the food banks late at night disguised as a heroin addict and buy his suits from Oxfam.

“Samantha gives me earache every time I go overdrawn,” he said.

This is the first time Cameron has come clean about his true state of poverty.  And properly wealthy members of his inner circle are already beginning to distance themselves from him for his hypocrisy.

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Panama leaks reveal David Cameron is secret Mafia leader

Don-CameronDavid Cameron’s spokesperson has said his father’s alleged links with the Mafia revealed in a huge leak are a “private matter”.

Asked whether the Prime Minister’s family was still active in Mafiosi crime, his spokesperson replied: “That is a private matter, I am focused on what the Government is doing.”

When asked if “what the Government is doing” included construction, sanitation, and insurance industries in Sicily, the spokesman agreed that it was.

“However,” added the spokesman, a daunting seven-foot figure in dark overcoat and homburg, “We do not anticipate any interest from the Crown Prosecution Service. Particularly those members who possess race horses.”

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Tories trawl Panama Papers in hunt for welfare cheat

"I see trees, lots and lots of trees"

“I see trees, lots and lots of trees”

David Cameron says he will not sleep until he’s trawled through all the Panama Papers to find someone who’s been overpaid £50 of Jobseeker’s Allowance.

“My mother always said ‘look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves’, so I’m determined to go through the 11 million leaked Panamanian files and catch a few welfare cheats, and rely on the super-rich to look after themselves” said Cameron.
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If this is a Tory civil war, imagine what it will be like when it gets nasty

Cameron Popcorn sales have soared as the British public sit back in their armchairs to watch the Tories tear each other apart, hopefully literally.

“It’s great entertainment, think ‘the Hunger Games’, but for older, fat people” beamed life-long socialist and Harold Café owner Pippa Delaney. “And there’s no petty backstabbing, they’re all going straight for each other’s hearts – good luck if they can find one!”
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‘Vote to stay in EU or I’ll post a naked selfie’, threatens Cameron

'Project Fear' turns to 'Project Pure Terror'

‘Project Fear’ turns to ‘Project Pure Terror’

The consequences of a Brexit just got more serious after David Cameron said he’ll do a Kim Kardashian and post a naked selfie if Britain votes to leave the EU.

For many Brexit fans, ‘Project Fear’ has now become ‘Project Pure Terror’.

“Shit’s just got real” said local headmaster Clive Morris. “A Cameron nude selfie might not break the internet, but it would certainly leave it rather soiled.”
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Hollande warns of ‘consequences’ if Britain doesn’t like Ghostbusters remake

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Down with this sort of thing or hooray for Hollywood?

François Hollande has warned David Cameron that Britain must support the remake of Ghostbusters whose trailer was launched today. At a summit with David Cameron to discuss whether tampering with the memory of the beloved 1980s original is a good idea or not the French President told reporters that it was time to embrace togetherness and applaud a gender-swapped cast and a new script.

“I don’t want to scare you, but I just want to say the truth. There will be consequences in many areas if Britain remains stubborn to its belief that without Bill Murray in the lead role Ghostbusters is nothing,” he said. “Now that doesn’t mean that everything will be destroyed, I don’t want to give you a catastrophic scenario. But there will be consequences.” Continue reading

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EU vote means terrifying choice between something supported by David Cameron and something supported by Iain Duncan Smith

tweedle dumb or tweedle dumber?

tweedle dumb or tweedle dumber?

The horrifying realisation they will have to choose between something supported by David Cameron and something supported by Iain Duncan Smith has put most people in the UK off their breakfast.

People thinking of voting to stay in the EU are worried they will be seen to be supporting hands-free interactions with pigs, while potential Brexit voters don’t want to give the impression they agree ‘fit to work’ means ‘currently breathing, or warm enough so resuscitation is still possible’.
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Confusion as PM with neither says he’ll put his “heart and soul” into staying in Europe

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Dave ‘n’ his BFF: chock full o’feelings

As the UK was awarded its Specialist Snowflake in the Whole EU badge last night, David Cameron puzzled everyone by saying “I will be campaigning with all my heart and soul to persuade the British people to remain in the reformed EU that we have secured today” despite having spent every waking moment since 2010 proving that he possesses neither.

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