Category Archives: referendum

UK Brexit negotiators to bargain ‘with actual chips’

EU citizens in the UK, British citizens living abroad, and now Gibraltar.

The list of things that are ‘not on the table’ and ‘will not be used as bargaining chips’ grows ever longer. But sources close to the government have revealed that we might end up bargaining with actual chips!

UK negotiators could bring parcels of our piping hot, newspaper-wrapped national dish and offer chips, a battered sausage, or even a bite of fishcake in exchange for “the best possible deal for the United Kingdom”.

Access to free market…fancy a chip, Angela?
Access to health services for Brits…batter scraps, Monsieur?

However, UK negotiators could snatch away the bargaining chips at the last minute and eat them all by themselves, warn sources, and the EU team would just have to lump it.
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Jacob Rees-Mogg “Yes, I do know more than the High Court about the law, actually.”

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Jacob. You can make up your own caption

Embodiment of arguments against wealth, privilege, and inbreeding, MP Jacob Rees-Mogg, says that Eton, Oxford, and a few years juggling other people’s money means he knows more than High Court Judges do about constitutional law.

Rather than spending hours in court, carefully listening to legal argument, fierce brexiter Rees-Mogg spent hours in TV studios, waiting to spout nonsense as soon as the High Court decision on triggering Article 50 was announced. So it was no surprise that he was at Sky News, already wearing his make-up, when it was. Continue reading

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Hard-Brexiteers haven’t finished buggering up the UK yet

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A whiff of Alan B’stard, do you think?

Deeply unattractive people, of the kind that you’d cross a busy main road to avoid, now think that Voting Leave wasn’t daft enough, and are dead-set on making the process even more bloody awful than it has to be.

Dominic Raab, who wanted another referendum if his Vote Leave side had lost, is now as keen as mustard to make the situation as shitty as possible, as soon as possible, Continue reading

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“UKIP asks ‘should we all be racists now?'”

Leader of the United Kingdom Independence Party (UKIP) Nigel Farage poses during a media launch for an EU referendum poster in London, Britain June 16, 2016. REUTERS/Stefan Wermuth

Every picture of this poster has bl**dy Farage standing in front of it

UKIP has hailed the return of ‘traditional British values’ hate crimes.

In the sharp rise in hate crimes since the referendum, it sees an indicator that the country is already grinding inexorably back towards the 1950s.

“Obviously we’re a long way” said an unknown UKIP spokesman who was definitely not Nigel Farage “a long way away from seeing ‘No dogs or gypsies’ signs on pub doors again.”

“But Rome wasn’t built in a day. Continue reading

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Delighted pensioners roll up their sleeves to create a vibrant new economy

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Waiting for the Gangmaster for their first compulsory work detail

The silver-surfer generation woke up this morning, overjoyed by being alive, by winning the referendum, and by the prospect of the hard work of rebuilding the country.

“Not me though, love.” chuckled pensioner Elsie Duggan of Harold’s Over-The-Hill Nursing Home. “The youngsters will do it, won’t they? Those nice Polish plumbers down the road, for starters, their daughters are both carers here, you know.”
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Everyone trying to remember important thing they’re supposed to do today

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When you want to think but your brain decides to recite Blackadder quotes instead

The whole country has woken up with the nagging feeling that they’re supposed to do something really serious.

“I keep racking my brains but nothing leaps to mind,” local pensioner Tom Stalling told us. “I can recall that people have been shouting at us and talking down to us for ages but now I’m buggered if I know what it was all in aid of.” Continue reading

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Filed under Politics, referendum

Gove disputes John Barnes’ assertion that he’s voting Remain

Trust me, why would I lie to you?

Michael Gove insists John Barnes will vote Leave tomorrow, despite the former England footballer clearly stating the opposite.

“The country’s had enough of so-called experts” droned the pasty cabbage-patch doll lookalike “John Barnes has set himself up as ‘an expert’ on John Barnes but has he got a hidden agenda? Continue reading

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Politicians worried that voters aren’t scared enough yet

Today both sides will be crossing the country releasing these onto high streets

As the Brexit and Remain campaigns launch into their final fevered day of shouting at the rest of us like we’re all five and didn’t go to the toilet when Miss told us too and now look at the mess there is concern on both sides that voters aren’t yet sufficiently terrified.

“I don’t want people mooching into the polling centre early evening to casually take part in a little light democracy,” said Boris Johnson. “I want them queuing up half the night scared beyond words by the thought that if they don’t get that cross in the leave box as soon as possible 800 million Turks will invade by teatime and bugger the NHS to death with a simit.” Continue reading

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Nation braced for being told how to vote by actors

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Two people who live on a planet so different from ours they might as well be aliens

As the referendum campaigns enter their final frothing madness stage the UK is braced for a barrage of instruction from some of the most over-praised and overpaid people in the country. The list is long however the Evening Harold managed to catch up with two of the nation’s leading and most talkative thesps who spake unto us from their bubble of privilege.

Benedict Cumberbatch who last year in the West End nightly treated fans to a very long and ill-informed speech on Syria with a quick couple of scenes from Hamlet thrown in at the beginning said that actors should tell people what to do because “we’re just better than you”. Continue reading

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Shock as Boris Johnson calls for an amnesty for long-term Ukip supporters

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It’s a nice idea but how can people like this integrate into normal society?

Disastrous attempt to breed a golden retriever that could hold down a very simple job, Boris Johnson, was heckled at a Leave rally earlier today when he proposed an amnesty for long-term Ukip supporters. Continue reading

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George Osborne would be forced to eat your children in event of Brexit

I’d eat them with some fava beans

If Britain votes to leave the EU George Osborne will have no option but to eat your children in order to survive, the Chancellor has claimed in a statement today.

This drastic move would occur in tandem with massive tax rises and savage cuts to public services.

“Brexit would hit the economy so hard that I would have no option but to immediately increase the basic rate of income tax to one hundred percent, put VAT up to a million percent and cut public services to the point that your bins are only collected once every fifteen years.” Continue reading

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Jeremy Corbyn shocked to learn there’s a referendum going on

Jeremy-Corbyn

“What’s all that noise over there about?”

Comforting mole-person in khaki slacks, Jeremy Corbyn, has spoken of his utter shock on learning that the UK is in the grip of a referendum debate.

“I was aware that people are talking about something a lot,” he said. “I thought that maybe Bake Off was back on or something.” Continue reading

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Wombles to lose Wimbledon Common access under Brexit

The Wombles

Bloody foreigners, coming over here taking our litter and tidying our commons….

Nigel Farage is insisting that under Brexit the UK’s favourite mostly immigrant litter-picking team will lose access to their Wimbledon Common home.

“This is a furry swarm of unskilled economic migrants who’ve arrived uninvited in this country and have made no effort to integrate with British society,” Farage said. “They’ve come from as far away as China and the Amazon basin to take advantage of our benefits system and our way of life. Especially the part where decent Brits enjoy covering their country in rubbish which is our right and one we fought WWII to uphold.” Continue reading

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