Category Archives: International News

Bust of Winston Churchill gets up and walks out of the Oval Office

“Sir Winston, do you want to hang out with President Trump?” “Never!”

After experiencing only a few hours of the new presidential regime the bust of Winston Churchill that Donald Trump had returned to the Oval Office bellowed “bugger this for a game of soldiers” and took itself back to the British Embassy. Continue reading

Leave a Comment

Filed under International News

Prawns sewn in curtain hems: Obama gets White House ready for Trump

11098344_1566777213573721_432835855_n

Two dogs, one underside of the Resolute Desk

Uplifting symphony about to be followed by a scab-covered plague rat farting through a dented tin whistle,  Barack Obama, is spending his remaining hours in power making the White House suitable for Donald Trump. Continue reading

Leave a Comment

Filed under International News

Narcissistic racist to apologise to US on “behalf of Britain” for its mockery of narcissistic racist

pastedimage-15803-390x285

Anyone else having trouble with the fact none of this is photoshop?

Cathedral roof gargoyle come to boorish life, Nigel Farage, has announced that he is going to the US to “meet all sorts of people and I shall say to them…please forgive some of the things that were said about your President during the election campaign because I’m just that important. Did you see those buses and that poster? That was me. I am shit-hot, ladies.” Continue reading

Comments Off on Narcissistic racist to apologise to US on “behalf of Britain” for its mockery of narcissistic racist

Filed under International News

Trump to import Brute Squad from Florin to “observe” polling stations

2922832-tumblr_mbc1w2pdrh1rvmzslo1_1280

Anybody want a peanut?

Donald Trump has today announced that in order to “protect this great democracy from Crooked Hillary” he is flying the Florinese Brute Squad to the US at his own expense.

“This will make America great again!” Trump thundered. “King Humperdink is a swell guy, we’re very close unless he turns out to be a huge threat to global security and then I’ve never met him. He’s got this amazing Brute Squad in Florin City that go into the Thieves Quarter and prove that the long arm of the law usually has a rock at the end of it. I love these guys!” Continue reading

Comments Off on Trump to import Brute Squad from Florin to “observe” polling stations

Filed under International News

Trump denies running for president, blames media

donald-trump-grow-up

“O, thou scabrous reptile, thou cream-faced loon, thou pussy toad…” Joe Queenan

Proof that money can’t buy happiness or a decent wig, Donald Trump, has taken to Twitter to deny that he’s running for President of the USA. Continue reading

Comments Off on Trump denies running for president, blames media

Filed under International News

“Have you tried writing lies on buses?” Farage campaigns for Trump

donald-trump-grow-up

O, thou scabrous reptile, thou cream-faced loon, thou pussy toad

2016 tightens its grip on the title of Most Batshit  Year There’s Been with the news that mendacious bigot, Nigel Farage, appeared at a rally with mendacious bigot, Donald Trump. Leaving many to wonder what they could possibly have in common.  Continue reading

Comments Off on “Have you tried writing lies on buses?” Farage campaigns for Trump

Filed under International News

“Something nice bound to happen soon,” says everyone hopefully

ad0f2a3e-50df-11e5-_968539c

Maybe it’ll involve badgers. We hope so, they’re ace

As the world continues its headlong rush towards the pit labelled ‘unceasing bobbins’ people are consoling themselves with the fact that something nice is surely going to occur at some point. Maybe. P’raps. Yeah?

“I reckon it’s like roulette,” local councillor Nina O’Neill told us. “After lots of red, you’re due a black and up it always comes. That isn’t how numbers and physical objects work? Oh, we’re buggered then.” Continue reading

Comments Off on “Something nice bound to happen soon,” says everyone hopefully

Filed under Badgers, International News

Fears grow for Trump as he admits he’s running out of crazy

Annex - Grant, Cary_16

Sophistication on toast: the real Donald Trump relaxing at home

Thoughtful scholar and gentle soul, Donald Trump, has admitted that he’s running out of abominable shite to spout.

“It’s getting harder and harder to come up with the goods,” he confessed. “I go home at night, take off the vivid orange make-up, remove the…let’s just call it a wig, shall we? We’re all better off not knowing the fine details…and try to relax with a slim volume of metaphysical poetry and a nice dry Grüner Veltliners but it’s impossible as I find myself worrying about where tomorrow’s crazy will come from.” Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under International News, Politics

“We’re the red hot, redneck USSR”: Australia gets itself written out of UN climate change report to protect tourist dollars

Reef-coral-bleaching_rich

“The Great Barrier Reef was bleached and lifeless when we found it, mate. Honest.”

Sunny but evil Australia has had itself purged from a UN global climate change report believing that any drop in tourism will damage the country immeasurably while climate change itself won’t because they’re immune due to being quite good at cricket and having lots of barbecues.

Continue reading

Comments Off on “We’re the red hot, redneck USSR”: Australia gets itself written out of UN climate change report to protect tourist dollars

Filed under environment, International News

“April fool!” says Trump, withdrawing from election race

trumpthumbsup

“April Fools!” After keeping shtum for months, Donald can finally let his hair down and relax

Red-necked US citizens were left red-faced this morning after the sudden withdrawal of Donald Trump from the election race.

Dubbed the longest running build-up to an April Fool bombshell, the news left millions dumbstruck. Eventually, small pockets of people in isolated communities began to recover their composure.

“Hey, he didn’t fool us for one minute,” they said. “We was jes’ playin’ along n’all. We sure ain’t no bigoted racists, no sir, we was jes’ pretendin’.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on “April fool!” says Trump, withdrawing from election race

Filed under International News, News, Politics

Yeah, that’s what I meant” insists Trump

Trump

I’m on THIS side, I couldn’t be clearer

“That’s exactly what Donald Trump meant, that thing you just said. He agrees with you.” explained a Trump spokesman today, following controversial remarks the presidential hopeful made yesterday.

Meanwhile, Mr Trump was already addressing a fresh crowd of morons “I’m on your side, but nobody else is saying it! I’ve always been saying it. Maybe they’re too scared to say it. I’m not scared of that Washington crowd. I’ll say it as much as I like, because you know what? It’s the truth”.

“Whose side am I on?” he asked, cupping his ears to the crowd “Yeah, you bet, YOUR side.”I’m on your side all the way Continue reading

Comments Off on Yeah, that’s what I meant” insists Trump

Filed under International News, News, Politics

Trump criticised for abrupt termination of abortion policy

donald trump condom

At last, protection

Donald Trump has been heavily criticised by hard-line Republicans for performing an early termination of his abortion policy today.

Trump’s latest indiscretion, in which he proposed that women having abortions should be punished, came out of the blue and was seen by many close friends and family as deeply embarrassing.

The policy, which was unplanned, is believed to have been the result of a one-night drop in the polls which Trump would rather put behind him.

“It’s my policy and I should be allowed to do what I want with it,” he insisted. “I won’t have a bunch of journalists who aren’t even politicians telling me what to do with my decision-making apparatus.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on Trump criticised for abrupt termination of abortion policy

Filed under idiots, International News, Politics

Donald Trump says he’s never forgiven the Muslims for killing Jesus

TrumpEaster is a time for remembering that Muslims killed Jesus, according to Donald Trump.

“People ask me why I don’t like Muslims, and I say ‘duh’, it’s because they nailed Jesus to the cross with those Muslamic nails of theirs. Page 545 of the Bible I think it is, there in black and white, Muhammad Pilate and his henchmen killing Jesus.”
Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under International News, News, Politics

Trump will get anti-Trump protesters to build a wall, in time for next rally

trump-i_surrender

“AGH! DON’T SHOOT. ME SURRENDER!”

Top US bungletwunt, Donald Trump has promised to have a protester-proof security wall built in time for his next campaign rally.

“I’m going to make the protestors build it, yeah!” Trump smugged, noddingly. Responding to suggestions that this might prove difficult to arrange, he said “You know what? The wall just got ten foot higher! Yeah?”

Continue reading

Comments Off on Trump will get anti-Trump protesters to build a wall, in time for next rally

Filed under International News, Politics, USA

Pope says contraception sometimes ok, eg by Donald Trump’s parents

Pope TrumpPope Francis has confirmed that contraception is sometimes ok if it prevents a greater evil, eg the conception and subsequent spreading of Donald Trump.

“Avoiding pregnancy is not an absolute evil, so contraception can be justified if it prevents babies being born with Trumpephaly, ie very large heads, bad hair, but no discernible brains” said the Pontiff during a visit to Mexico.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Pope says contraception sometimes ok, eg by Donald Trump’s parents

Filed under International News

Refugees crisis: UK will accept a few ‘better looking kids’

theresa-may

“We were really looking for the better-looking, Caucasian types”

The UK has agreed to accept some more refugee children but only those who are photogenic, or otherwise ‘cute’.

“Ugly kids bring more sympathy, and frankly they stand out too much.” lied Theresa May “We were really looking for the better-looking, Caucasian types, if you will, ‘paler’ and with blue eyes if possible.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on Refugees crisis: UK will accept a few ‘better looking kids’

Filed under International News, News, Politics

Donald Trump outed as hideously deformed 6-year-old boy

kid-trumpFollowing his enormous temper tantrum after not getting his way in the planned Fox News debate, presidential hopeful Donald Trump has been revealed to be a snotty six-year-old boy with an unfortunate genetic disorder which gives him the appearance of a 70-year-old orange scrotum.

Trump, although noticeably eccentric, had always managed to disguise the fact that he was only a child via a mix of clever tailoring and fascist ranting, until the latest incident when he learned that the notoriously left-wing Fox News would not agree to let him sack the presenter he doesn’t like.

Little Donald was reportedly found abandoned by his despairing parents in the middle of a shopping mall, rolling around screaming and beating his fists on the floor repeatedly. Passers-by reported hearing him shouting: “NO NO NO I DON’T WANT HER TAKE HER AWAY TAKE HER AWAY MUMMY!” over and over. Continue reading

Comments Off on Donald Trump outed as hideously deformed 6-year-old boy

Filed under idiots, International News, TV

Corbyn-inspired oil price slump ‘a threat to UK recovery’ says Osborne

George-Osborne-hiviz

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve a housing estate to build, single-handed

As the world’s economy teeters on the brink of another crash, the Chancellor has identified that the blame lies with Jeremy Corbyn. “It’s his fault. Oh, and Liam Byrne, do you remember – ‘I’m afraid there’s no money’?, that’s him.”

Mr Osborne is angry that his successful long-term economic plan is being put at risk, by the Labour leader’s reckless meddling with the world’s economic levers. Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Economy, International News, News, Politics

North Korea’s hydrogen bomb test just Kim Jong-Un jumping up and down

Kim Jong-Un being primed

Kim Jong-Un being primed

North Korea’s claim to have successfully tested a hydrogen bomb is in tatters after the discovery that the resulting 5.1 earthquake is exactly what would be expected from Kim Jong-Un jumping up and down a few times.

Initially it was thought the rogue state detonated a miniature nuclear device infused with hydrogen as calculations showed an explosive force equivalent to the Hiroshima bomb. But then scientists worked out that cheese fan Kim Jong-Un could generate an equivalent force by jumping two feet in the air a couple of times.
Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under International News

Trump ‘will ban Native Americans from entering USA’

image

Next, they came for the horses…

In his most embarrassing proclamation yet, celebrity simpleton Donald Trump has announced that if he becomes President, all Native Americans will be immediately barred from entering the USA.

Coming hot on the heels of his other statement about banning all Muslims, Trump now seems to have lost his last tenuous grip on reality.

“If these so-called ‘indians’ or whatever they call themselves try to enter our great country, we will send them back to where they came from immediately,” spluttered the furry one, “Wherever that is.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on Trump ‘will ban Native Americans from entering USA’

Filed under idiots, International News, Showbusiness