There is relief across the globe this morning as the UN has confirmed that the Elf on the Shelf is now subject to a global travel ban on the grounds that it is horribly creepy shite. Continue reading
Category Archives: International News
It’s been triumph and tragedy today for the planet’s biggest exporters of Minogues and disgusting lager as Australia gave the non-bigoted world a smile by voting for marriage equality to become law only to then be smited by God.
The leader of German right-wing AfD has quit the party after finding it’s a loose coalition of hate-spewing racists.
“My suspicions were first aroused when Nigel Farage turned up at one of our rallies” said Frauke Petry “but I was too busy Continue reading
White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer has thanked a United Airlines security squad who stepped in after he became unable to stop declaring that Adolf Hitler did not use chemical weapons during World War Two.
“I just couldn’t stop saying outrageous things, digging myself deeper and deeper into this hole. My brain could hear the words coming out of my mouth, but it was powerless to stop the flow, so I can only thank these airline thugs for stepping in when they did and dragging me away from the lectern.”
In the hastily arranged press conference to handle Hitler-comparison-gate Spicer also expressed his gratitude for the bloody nose they gave him. “I didn’t ask them to hit me in the face, but these guys knew in that split second that it was what I needed most. Good work, men, and God bless America. ”
But Spicer may have stirred fresh controversy by going on to praise the United Airlines team’s ability to follow orders as “more committed than even the most diligent SS guards”
The list of things that are ‘not on the table’ and ‘will not be used as bargaining chips’ grows ever longer. But sources close to the government have revealed that we might end up bargaining with actual chips!
UK negotiators could bring parcels of our piping hot, newspaper-wrapped national dish and offer chips, a battered sausage, or even a bite of fishcake in exchange for “the best possible deal for the United Kingdom”.
Access to free market…fancy a chip, Angela?
Access to health services for Brits…batter scraps, Monsieur?
However, UK negotiators could snatch away the bargaining chips at the last minute and eat them all by themselves, warn sources, and the EU team would just have to lump it.
Donald Trump has caused further international confusion this morning by taking to Twitter to condemn “Yuge, bad illegal immigrant-led terror attack in Kingdom of Lancre. Really terrible. Sad. Mainstream (fake) news not covering story. Again!”
After experiencing only a few hours of the new presidential regime the bust of Winston Churchill that Donald Trump had returned to the Oval Office bellowed “bugger this for a game of soldiers” and took itself back to the British Embassy. Continue reading
Uplifting symphony about to be followed by a scab-covered plague rat farting through a dented tin whistle, Barack Obama, is spending his remaining hours in power making the White House suitable for Donald Trump. Continue reading
Narcissistic racist to apologise to US on “behalf of Britain” for its mockery of narcissistic racist
Cathedral roof gargoyle come to boorish life, Nigel Farage, has announced that he is going to the US to “meet all sorts of people and I shall say to them…please forgive some of the things that were said about your President during the election campaign because I’m just that important. Did you see those buses and that poster? That was me. I am shit-hot, ladies.” Continue reading
Donald Trump has today announced that in order to “protect this great democracy from Crooked Hillary” he is flying the Florinese Brute Squad to the US at his own expense.
“This will make America great again!” Trump thundered. “King Humperdink is a swell guy, we’re very close unless he turns out to be a huge threat to global security and then I’ve never met him. He’s got this amazing Brute Squad in Florin City that go into the Thieves Quarter and prove that the long arm of the law usually has a rock at the end of it. I love these guys!” Continue reading
Proof that money can’t buy happiness or a decent wig, Donald Trump, has taken to Twitter to deny that he’s running for President of the USA. Continue reading
2016 tightens its grip on the title of Most Batshit Year There’s Been with the news that mendacious bigot, Nigel Farage, appeared at a rally with mendacious bigot, Donald Trump. Leaving many to wonder what they could possibly have in common. Continue reading
As the world continues its headlong rush towards the pit labelled ‘unceasing bobbins’ people are consoling themselves with the fact that something nice is surely going to occur at some point. Maybe. P’raps. Yeah?
“I reckon it’s like roulette,” local councillor Nina O’Neill told us. “After lots of red, you’re due a black and up it always comes. That isn’t how numbers and physical objects work? Oh, we’re buggered then.” Continue reading
Thoughtful scholar and gentle soul, Donald Trump, has admitted that he’s running out of abominable shite to spout.
“It’s getting harder and harder to come up with the goods,” he confessed. “I go home at night, take off the vivid orange make-up, remove the…let’s just call it a wig, shall we? We’re all better off not knowing the fine details…and try to relax with a slim volume of metaphysical poetry and a nice dry Grüner Veltliners but it’s impossible as I find myself worrying about where tomorrow’s crazy will come from.” Continue reading
“We’re the red hot, redneck USSR”: Australia gets itself written out of UN climate change report to protect tourist dollars
Sunny but evil Australia has had itself purged from a UN global climate change report believing that any drop in tourism will damage the country immeasurably while climate change itself won’t because they’re immune due to being quite good at cricket and having lots of barbecues.
Red-necked US citizens were left red-faced this morning after the sudden withdrawal of Donald Trump from the election race.
Dubbed the longest running build-up to an April Fool bombshell, the news left millions dumbstruck. Eventually, small pockets of people in isolated communities began to recover their composure.
“Hey, he didn’t fool us for one minute,” they said. “We was jes’ playin’ along n’all. We sure ain’t no bigoted racists, no sir, we was jes’ pretendin’.”
“That’s exactly what Donald Trump meant, that thing you just said. He agrees with you.” explained a Trump spokesman today, following controversial remarks the presidential hopeful made yesterday.
Meanwhile, Mr Trump was already addressing a fresh crowd of morons “I’m on your side, but nobody else is saying it! I’ve always been saying it. Maybe they’re too scared to say it. I’m not scared of that Washington crowd. I’ll say it as much as I like, because you know what? It’s the truth”.
“Whose side am I on?” he asked, cupping his ears to the crowd “Yeah, you bet, YOUR side.”I’m on your side all the way Continue reading
Donald Trump has been heavily criticised by hard-line Republicans for performing an early termination of his abortion policy today.
Trump’s latest indiscretion, in which he proposed that women having abortions should be punished, came out of the blue and was seen by many close friends and family as deeply embarrassing.
The policy, which was unplanned, is believed to have been the result of a one-night drop in the polls which Trump would rather put behind him.
“It’s my policy and I should be allowed to do what I want with it,” he insisted. “I won’t have a bunch of journalists who aren’t even politicians telling me what to do with my decision-making apparatus.”
“People ask me why I don’t like Muslims, and I say ‘duh’, it’s because they nailed Jesus to the cross with those Muslamic nails of theirs. Page 545 of the Bible I think it is, there in black and white, Muhammad Pilate and his henchmen killing Jesus.”