‘Get out, get out, get out! How about a trade deal?
Theresa May has apologised to the heads of Caribbean countries because, for some weird reason, Home Office officials have implemented the policies of the last Home Secretary.
Mrs May was speaking at a meeting she’d been unable to squeeze into her schedule before an unfavourable Daily Mail editorial. “Let me be completely clear about this” began the PM, prompting officials to shuffle their feet and Amber Rudd to start up a dry-ice machine Continue reading
“I was gobsmacked when they told me I won,” said magician Vladimir Putin. “It hasn’t fully sunk in yet, I’m speechless.”
The shock result was announced just hours after voting closed.
“He won by a landslide,” said his agent, “beating both the unicyclist juggler and the fire-eating sword-swallower who made it through to the final round. They simply couldn’t match his magic.”
“As a child, I used to dream of winning Stars in Their Eyes,” said Mr Putin, “but it was not until I joined the KGB that I seriously started to play with smoke and mirrors, before moving on to develop my own unique style of magic.” Continue reading
With tensions rising between Westminster and the Kremlin, the UK government is planning to send the Foreign Secretary to Russia.
Kremlin officials say they will respond robustly and send a Russian doll to sit on Mrs May’s desk.
Amid fears that the hollow wooden character might arrive full of toxic shite, security has been tightened at Moscow airport. Continue reading
Gareth Southgate has written to FIFA complaining that his squad’s 2018 World Cup strip may hinder them on the counter-attack.
The new kit, designed by the FA and built by chemical warfare clothing company Nuke, may test the team’s mobility on the pitch, he said.
“Defensively, there’s no real problem,” said Southgate, “apart from Joe Hart’s backside constantly triggering the goal-line technology. Come to think of it, he does that anyway.” Continue reading
With no-one else left in the White House, former President Trump sacked himself this afternoon, he confirmed in a tweet.
“I just wasn’t feeling the chemistry anymore,” he said, after catching sight of himself in a mirror.
Cleaner Jose Mortimer has temporarily taken the reins.
“There’s no-one here at the moment,” he told Boris Johnson, “but if you’d like to leave a message, please do so after the beep. Beep.”
Political commentators worrying about a US power vacuum were immediately reassured by Mortimer.
“No problem,” he said, “I use a Riccar Premium Radiance.”
Can’t think of a funny caption. It’s freaking us out
There is relief across the globe this morning as the UN has confirmed that the Elf on the Shelf is now subject to a global travel ban on the grounds that it is horribly creepy shite. Continue reading
We’ll be fine in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, we’ve played the arse out of Fallout 4
Hang on, we’re right. Aren’t we?
God says further smiting will include a plague of Ashes victories and excellent wine
It’s been triumph and tragedy today for the planet’s biggest exporters of Minogues and disgusting lager as Australia gave the non-bigoted world a smile by voting for marriage equality to become law only to then be smited by God.
Frauke Petry. She’s off to invade Poland
The leader of German right-wing AfD has quit the party after finding it’s a loose coalition of hate-spewing racists.
“My suspicions were first aroused when Nigel Farage turned up at one of our rallies” said Frauke Petry “but I was too busy Continue reading
White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer has thanked a United Airlines security squad who stepped in after he became unable to stop declaring that Adolf Hitler did not use chemical weapons during World War Two.
“I just couldn’t stop saying outrageous things, digging myself deeper and deeper into this hole. My brain could hear the words coming out of my mouth, but it was powerless to stop the flow, so I can only thank these airline thugs for stepping in when they did and dragging me away from the lectern.”
In the hastily arranged press conference to handle Hitler-comparison-gate Spicer also expressed his gratitude for the bloody nose they gave him. “I didn’t ask them to hit me in the face, but these guys knew in that split second that it was what I needed most. Good work, men, and God bless America. ”
But Spicer may have stirred fresh controversy by going on to praise the United Airlines team’s ability to follow orders as “more committed than even the most diligent SS guards”
EU citizens in the UK, British citizens living abroad, and now Gibraltar.
The list of things that are ‘not on the table’ and ‘will not be used as bargaining chips’ grows ever longer. But sources close to the government have revealed that we might end up bargaining with actual chips!
UK negotiators could bring parcels of our piping hot, newspaper-wrapped national dish and offer chips, a battered sausage, or even a bite of fishcake in exchange for “the best possible deal for the United Kingdom”.
Access to free market…fancy a chip, Angela?
Access to health services for Brits…batter scraps, Monsieur?
However, UK negotiators could snatch away the bargaining chips at the last minute and eat them all by themselves, warn sources, and the EU team would just have to lump it.
Local women are not amused (apart from Nanny Ogg, obvs).
Donald Trump has caused further international confusion this morning by taking to Twitter to condemn “Yuge, bad illegal immigrant-led terror attack in Kingdom of Lancre. Really terrible. Sad. Mainstream (fake) news not covering story. Again!”
“Sir Winston, do you want to hang out with President Trump?” “Never!”
After experiencing only a few hours of the new presidential regime the bust of Winston Churchill that Donald Trump had returned to the Oval Office bellowed “bugger this for a game of soldiers” and took itself back to the British Embassy. Continue reading
Two dogs, one underside of the Resolute Desk
Uplifting symphony about to be followed by a scab-covered plague rat farting through a dented tin whistle, Barack Obama, is spending his remaining hours in power making the White House suitable for Donald Trump. Continue reading
Anyone else having trouble with the fact none of this is photoshop?
Cathedral roof gargoyle come to boorish life, Nigel Farage, has announced that he is going to the US to “meet all sorts of people and I shall say to them…please forgive some of the things that were said about your President during the election campaign because I’m just that important. Did you see those buses and that poster? That was me. I am shit-hot, ladies.” Continue reading
Anybody want a peanut?
Donald Trump has today announced that in order to “protect this great democracy from Crooked Hillary” he is flying the Florinese Brute Squad to the US at his own expense.
“This will make America great again!” Trump thundered. “King Humperdink is a swell guy, we’re very close unless he turns out to be a huge threat to global security and then I’ve never met him. He’s got this amazing Brute Squad in Florin City that go into the Thieves Quarter and prove that the long arm of the law usually has a rock at the end of it. I love these guys!” Continue reading
“O, thou scabrous reptile, thou cream-faced loon, thou pussy toad…” Joe Queenan
Proof that money can’t buy happiness or a decent wig, Donald Trump, has taken to Twitter to deny that he’s running for President of the USA. Continue reading
O, thou scabrous reptile, thou cream-faced loon, thou pussy toad
2016 tightens its grip on the title of Most Batshit Year There’s Been with the news that mendacious bigot, Nigel Farage, appeared at a rally with mendacious bigot, Donald Trump. Leaving many to wonder what they could possibly have in common. Continue reading
Maybe it’ll involve badgers. We hope so, they’re ace
As the world continues its headlong rush towards the pit labelled ‘unceasing bobbins’ people are consoling themselves with the fact that something nice is surely going to occur at some point. Maybe. P’raps. Yeah?
“I reckon it’s like roulette,” local councillor Nina O’Neill told us. “After lots of red, you’re due a black and up it always comes. That isn’t how numbers and physical objects work? Oh, we’re buggered then.” Continue reading
Sophistication on toast: the real Donald Trump relaxing at home
Thoughtful scholar and gentle soul, Donald Trump, has admitted that he’s running out of abominable shite to spout.
“It’s getting harder and harder to come up with the goods,” he confessed. “I go home at night, take off the vivid orange make-up, remove the…let’s just call it a wig, shall we? We’re all better off not knowing the fine details…and try to relax with a slim volume of metaphysical poetry and a nice dry Grüner Veltliners but it’s impossible as I find myself worrying about where tomorrow’s crazy will come from.” Continue reading