Category Archives: Health

Armchair exerciser demands lightweight bike for heavy exercise

If only McKean had the right light equipment

For some reason, an overweight man with plans to cycle his way to fitness is only able to do so on the lightest bike around.

“On an old steel-framed one, forty miles of a Sunday morning would take ages” wheezed William McKean, after his partner noticed he’d been googling ‘Titanium frames for under £1000?’ from the sofa.

Harold’s fattest man, McKean is best known locally as the star of the TV documentary Help! My Liver is the size of a Dog. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Health, News

NHS budget data report only being delayed “because it’s awful news” says Hunt

Hunt; just before the psychiatrists and Approved Social Worker arrive

Jeremy Hunt says up to date NHS finance reports would have been published before the election, but for the fact that they show how useless he is.

“Compared to how I’m doing, my  marmalade exporting  was a fantastic success. So you can well imagine why I’m keeping this dreadful key performance report under wraps!” he added.

The government usually publishes such data promptly but it fears the sensitive nature of this information might influence the outcome of the election.

“It’s a bit like seeing the recent service history of a car you’re thinking of buying” explained the Health Secretary, as if speaking to a five-year old; think Diane Abbott but without the charm. Continue reading

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Filed under Election 2017, Health, News, Politics

Jeremy Hunt gets wrong end of the stick and welcomes record rise in NHS stats

What are you saying? These figures aren’t good news then?

Walking evidence that a man with a stash of secret photographs hidden in a safety deposit box can keep his job whatever he does, Jeremy Hunt, says record figures revealed in a new report prove his NHS reforms are on track.

“It’s taken me some time to pull things round but the figures don’t lie.” announced a smiling and relaxed Health Secretary.”No, I won’t stop. Get off, I’m the minister!” he shouted, shrugging off a group of officials who were trying to usher him away from the cameras.

“Right then. let’s get started” said Mr Hunt consulting a clipboard “Cancer targets? Up. Continue reading

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Filed under Health, News, NHS

Hunt says the “10,000 more NHS staff in psychiatric hospitals” will be there as patients

He’s even got his own little badge

Jeremy Hunt has vowed to bear down on NHS staff strongly enough so that 10,000 of them are admitted to psychiatric care by 2020. “That’s 10,000 more, on top of those already there”.

“More doctors, more nurses, and more health workers, all in the care of a strong and stable government. You know, that sounded rather Churchillian, don’t you think?”

“We’ll be using cognitive behavioural therapy” explained Hunt “Partly because doctors we’ve paid to say so say it’s effective, partly because CBT is easier to say than psychotherapy, but mostly because it’s cheap.”

“Then, when the staff patients are feeling a bit more chipper Continue reading

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Filed under Health, News, NHS

UK Brexit negotiators to bargain ‘with actual chips’

EU citizens in the UK, British citizens living abroad, and now Gibraltar.

The list of things that are ‘not on the table’ and ‘will not be used as bargaining chips’ grows ever longer. But sources close to the government have revealed that we might end up bargaining with actual chips!

UK negotiators could bring parcels of our piping hot, newspaper-wrapped national dish and offer chips, a battered sausage, or even a bite of fishcake in exchange for “the best possible deal for the United Kingdom”.

Access to free market…fancy a chip, Angela?
Access to health services for Brits…batter scraps, Monsieur?

However, UK negotiators could snatch away the bargaining chips at the last minute and eat them all by themselves, warn sources, and the EU team would just have to lump it.
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Brexit, Food, Health, Hoildays, International News, News, Politics, referendum

Hospital patients “enchanted” by waiting room banter

“I felt a bit of a prick, nurse.”

Bob Price, an 82 year old former boxer, delighted the many people waiting at Dunstable Royal Infirmary outpatients department for blood tests this morning with his relentless banter.

A stalwart of many a waiting room, Mr Price greeted each new arrival with a cheery “I’ve been waiting here since 8.30am you know”, following that up with “there only seem to be two nurses on at the moment”, “they all go home at noon” and “it didn’t used to take this long at the Walsgrave”. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Entertainment, Health, NHS

“Someone must be responsible for this NHS chaos” says Jeremy Hunt

“Come on, who’s to blame?”

Moral vacuum in an expensive suit marred by a condescending, inappropriate NHS lapel badge, Jeremy Hunt, will launch an enquiry into the crisis afflicting hospitals up and down the country.

Speaking exclusively to the BBC, Mr Hunt first winked then, as the cameras started filming, he sobbed “I can’t help thinking that someone must be responsible for this utter shambles.”

Holding a sliced onion just off-camera, MrHunt wiped tears from his cheeks and sniffled “You know, an individual, an actual person, probably a Junior Doctor or whoever was the last Labour Health Secretary, Continue reading

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Filed under Health, News

Nothing compares 2 Q: Hunt getting good lowdown tingle over record NHS waiting times

‘Do we actually need an NHS?’ the whole Cabinet replied ‘No’

Marmalade entrepreneur, Jeremy Hunt has welcomed record NHS figures released this week and was in expansive mood when interviewed by the Evening Harold.

“It would be wrong to make political capital out of this” smiled the multi-millionaire, polishing his NHS lapel badge, “but these figures vindicate the Conservative approach to the NHS.”

“You know, I was in the room when the policy was agreed,” he said. “The PM wrote on the whiteboard ‘Do we really need an NHS?’ and the whole Cabinet replied ‘No, we all Continue reading

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Filed under Health, NHS

MND sufferer’s distress as he finds new Yorkshire accent is Geoffrey Boycott’s

“That’s brilliant is that.” Boycott listens to one of his own jokes

A man otherwise coping stoically with motor neurone disease has been plunged into despair, and finally driven to ask “Why me?” by the news he’ll be voiced by the legendary ar*ehole and cricket bore, Geoffrey Boycott.

Graham Cross from Yorkshire thought he’d get a nice synthesised Yorkshire voice, when the effects of MND rob him of the power of speech, but says he may now rely on a slate and chalk instead.

I’d hoped for Alan Bennett’s gentle, melodic burble. But it seems the NHS want me to have the grating tones of an arrogant, whining Continue reading

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Last London community dental clinic shuts because f*ck you, explain Tories

Loser

London’s last community-based A&E-style service for people needing emergency dental treatment has closed because fuck you, Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has confirmed.

NHS England’s closure of the “urgent dental service” in Kentish Town will leave the capital’s 8.7 million residents with nowhere to go in an emergency apart from A&Es who do not have dentists, and GPs who are not dentists.

“If you’re poor, you’re a bit fucked, yes,” confirmed Hunt this morning. “The message we’re really trying to get over is ‘fuck you’ if you can’t afford to go private.”

A Conservative party spokesman pointed out that there remained several options for poor families facing urgent dental problems.

“If it’s a broken tooth or something, best get it out quick,” he explained. “In our case studies of actual poor people, we’ve found that tying a bit of string to the bad tooth and the other end to a door handle before vigorously slamming the door is an effective and economic way method of extraction.”

“It works easily one time in three, more if the patient is tied to a bed.”

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Filed under Health, idiots

Hunt urges hospitals to make new beds from handy piles of corpses

huntbed

Deeply committed

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has unveiled a radical plan to solve the nation’s hospital bed crisis at a stroke – by making new beds out of piles of the recently deceased.

With most hospitals now facing mile-long queues of critically ill citizens lying in the rain, the time has come to address the chronic bed shortage once and for all. And Hunt, never a stranger to controversy, is convinced he has hit on the solution – “corpse bedding”.

“I was on holiday somewhere nice when it hit me,” Hunt explained to journalists. “Just look at it – what are we short of? Beds. What do we have lots of? Dead bodies!”

“Due to my cold-hearted policies, thousands are dying before they can get urgent treatment. Let’s turn that frown upside down and make it into an opportunity!”

Hunt explained that tests done on a bunch of dead pensioners in Birmingham showed that a pile of six or seven was usually sufficient to make a bed of suitable height. A simple wooden plank on top, and you have a bed that’s already much better than being left dying in a gutter.

“We thought we’d have some trouble with the odd fat one making the piles too big,” he admitted, “But for some reason these dead pensioners tend to be of a standard, very very thin, size. It certainly makes our job easier!”

“All in all,” Hunt confirmed, “The corpse bed thing’s an absolute no-brainer. And I should know.”

“Because I have no brain, you see.”

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Filed under Health, Politics

GPs promise to match MP’s surgery hours – 12 hours a day, 7 days a week

Jeremy-Hunt9

Don’t blame me, I’m not in charge of Jack shit

The BMA has unexpectedly agreed to GP surgeries opening 84 hours a week – just as soon as MPs do the same.

“We were against it, when the PM first raised the idea.” said a BMA spokeswoman “But then we thought, sod it, if the MPs can open theirs 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, we’d go for it too. We were straight on the phone to Jeremy Hunt to let him know.”

“I say Jeremy Hunt; we heard he’d gone home for the weekend, so we left a message for him at the DoH. I say message; they were shut, so we left a voicemail. We haven’t heard back but Continue reading

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Hunt caught out by winter coming just 12 months after the last one

The Prime Minister Considers His First Cabinet Reshuffle

The last winter was just 12 months ago, who knew there’d be another so soon?

Jeremy Hunt says the current NHS crisis is due to a freak meteorological event, known to scientists as ‘winter’.

The hapless health secretary, floundered around various TV studios yesterday, so that journalists and Piers Morgan could take turns to twat him with facts.

“I, err, don’t want to blind you with science” stammered Mr Hunt “but, ahem … ‘Winter is caused by the axis of the Earth in that hemisphere being oriented away from the Sun [3]’. Continue reading

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Plans to cut NHS bed-blocking by increasing death-rate ‘a bit behind schedule’ admits Hunt

jeremyhunt2

“Just a few cold snaps and they’ll be dropping like flies. Fingers crossed.”

Jeremy Hunt admits the mild winter has played havoc with his planned cash-flow patient-throughput.

“We can usually count on a couple of cold snaps by early January, and for the past few years, the Iain Duncan Smith effect,” said the failed marmalade salesman “which clears a lot of the deadwood out of the system. Plus, it frees up housing stock, most of it quite shabby. Which is good for Wickes, B&Q and DIY SOS.”

“Anyway, it’s what I like to call win-win. Like winning a general election, followed by Jeremy Corbyn winning the Labour leadership election. Which seems to be how I manage to get away with this. I still have to pinch myself from time to time, but it’s true. Amazing isn’t it?”

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Generation Z delighted 80% of middle-aged Brits are fat, drunk and unhealthy

What the average fifty-something couple looks like to a twenty year old.

What the average fifty-something couple looks like to a twenty year old.

Those born in the mid-nineties or after, Generation Z, are more bouncy and loud than ever following the release of a government report which states that just 20% of middle-aged people are healthy and the rest lie more awkwardly than whatever that is on top of Donald Trump’s head when talking to their GP about their lifestyle.  Continue reading

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Counterfeit booze ‘could make you dizzy and act like an idiot’

“…the ever-popular loss of inhibitions…”

Harold Council has warned shoppers to beware of fake Vodka, which can seriously damage health.

“This so-called ‘Vodka’ contains chemicals of some sort, which affect the decision-making frontal lobe of the brain,” said Councillor Ron Ronsson.

“Short-term effects include loss of inhibitions, dizziness, nausea, coma and even death. Also, it has a ‘metallic’ after-taste if you get stuck into a second bottle. So I’m told.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Health, idiots, News

IDS clarifies: Brexit means *closing* a new hospital each week

IDS

Open a new hospital each week, are you mad? No, what I said was we could close one each week

With hospitals having been told to take a ticket and wait their turn to be closed, Iain Duncan Smith says people misheard him during the referendum campaign.

“I was shocked that people thought I promised to spend shed-loads of cash on the NHS, and open a new hospital each week, we clearly said close. I’m not one to blame others, but I think you’ll find that was the work of Project Fear. Or immigrants. Continue reading

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Hypochondriac sets up Just Giving page – asks for £1,000,000,000 ‘to be on the safe side’

hypochondriacA local hypochondriac has set up a Just Giving page with an initial fundraising target of £1,000,000,000.

“I think I’ve got AIDS, and Dropsy. And Dengue Fever. Probably Zika too. Worst of all, I’ve got slightly dry skin on my upper arm that literally could be ANYTHING. I’m hoping a billion pounds will cover it” said Harold identity Sally Evans.
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Filed under Health

Lab analysis of local kebab shop chili sauce finds ‘zero semen’ shock

Mystery solved

Mystery solved

Scientists at Dunstable Metropolitan University were stunned by results of a DNA analysis of the chili sauce at local Harold kebab shop I Shish You Not!, when data showed that no human semen was present, a new report revealed today.

“We had always assumed that the employees were rubbing themselves off like a troop of monkeys back there,” commented Dr Pauline Copland, lead food scientist at Dunstable Met where the study was performed.
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Around Harold, Business, DNA, Food, Health, News, science, spam

MP Sarah Wollaston swaps sides to a different set of liars

sarah_wollaston

I’ve thrown my lot in with different psychopaths, such as David Cameron and George Osborne

Dr Wollaston, Tory chairman of the Health Select Committee, has clambered aboard the other EU referendum horse and galloped off in the opposite direction.

“It was a shock to find that Boris Johnson and Michael Gove were psychopaths, lying about spending £350 million a week more on the NHS. Who knew?” said Dr Wollaston yesterday. “So I’ve thrown my lot in with different psychopaths such as David Cameron and George Osborne.”

Wollaston was pleased that she could both remain a Tory MP and retain her professional integrity.

“And luckily. my position on the Hippocratic Oath is unaffected. There’s nothing in there about selling off the NHS.”

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