Category Archives: Health

Last London community dental clinic shuts because f*ck you, explain Tories

Loser

London’s last community-based A&E-style service for people needing emergency dental treatment has closed because fuck you, Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has confirmed.

NHS England’s closure of the “urgent dental service” in Kentish Town will leave the capital’s 8.7 million residents with nowhere to go in an emergency apart from A&Es who do not have dentists, and GPs who are not dentists.

“If you’re poor, you’re a bit fucked, yes,” confirmed Hunt this morning. “The message we’re really trying to get over is ‘fuck you’ if you can’t afford to go private.”

A Conservative party spokesman pointed out that there remained several options for poor families facing urgent dental problems.

“If it’s a broken tooth or something, best get it out quick,” he explained. “In our case studies of actual poor people, we’ve found that tying a bit of string to the bad tooth and the other end to a door handle before vigorously slamming the door is an effective and economic way method of extraction.”

“It works easily one time in three, more if the patient is tied to a bed.”

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Hunt urges hospitals to make new beds from handy piles of corpses

huntbed

Deeply committed

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has unveiled a radical plan to solve the nation’s hospital bed crisis at a stroke – by making new beds out of piles of the recently deceased.

With most hospitals now facing mile-long queues of critically ill citizens lying in the rain, the time has come to address the chronic bed shortage once and for all. And Hunt, never a stranger to controversy, is convinced he has hit on the solution – “corpse bedding”.

“I was on holiday somewhere nice when it hit me,” Hunt explained to journalists. “Just look at it – what are we short of? Beds. What do we have lots of? Dead bodies!”

“Due to my cold-hearted policies, thousands are dying before they can get urgent treatment. Let’s turn that frown upside down and make it into an opportunity!”

Hunt explained that tests done on a bunch of dead pensioners in Birmingham showed that a pile of six or seven was usually sufficient to make a bed of suitable height. A simple wooden plank on top, and you have a bed that’s already much better than being left dying in a gutter.

“We thought we’d have some trouble with the odd fat one making the piles too big,” he admitted, “But for some reason these dead pensioners tend to be of a standard, very very thin, size. It certainly makes our job easier!”

“All in all,” Hunt confirmed, “The corpse bed thing’s an absolute no-brainer. And I should know.”

“Because I have no brain, you see.”

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GPs promise to match MP’s surgery hours – 12 hours a day, 7 days a week

Jeremy-Hunt9

Don’t blame me, I’m not in charge of Jack shit

The BMA has unexpectedly agreed to GP surgeries opening 84 hours a week – just as soon as MPs do the same.

“We were against it, when the PM first raised the idea.” said a BMA spokeswoman “But then we thought, sod it, if the MPs can open theirs 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, we’d go for it too. We were straight on the phone to Jeremy Hunt to let him know.”

“I say Jeremy Hunt; we heard he’d gone home for the weekend, so we left a message for him at the DoH. I say message; they were shut, so we left a voicemail. We haven’t heard back but Continue reading

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Hunt caught out by winter coming just 12 months after the last one

The Prime Minister Considers His First Cabinet Reshuffle

The last winter was just 12 months ago, who knew there’d be another so soon?

Jeremy Hunt says the current NHS crisis is due to a freak meteorological event, known to scientists as ‘winter’.

The hapless health secretary, floundered around various TV studios yesterday, so that journalists and Piers Morgan could take turns to twat him with facts.

“I, err, don’t want to blind you with science” stammered Mr Hunt “but, ahem … ‘Winter is caused by the axis of the Earth in that hemisphere being oriented away from the Sun [3]’. Continue reading

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Plans to cut NHS bed-blocking by increasing death-rate ‘a bit behind schedule’ admits Hunt

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“Just a few cold snaps and they’ll be dropping like flies. Fingers crossed.”

Jeremy Hunt admits the mild winter has played havoc with his planned cash-flow patient-throughput.

“We can usually count on a couple of cold snaps by early January, and for the past few years, the Iain Duncan Smith effect,” said the failed marmalade salesman “which clears a lot of the deadwood out of the system. Plus, it frees up housing stock, most of it quite shabby. Which is good for Wickes, B&Q and DIY SOS.”

“Anyway, it’s what I like to call win-win. Like winning a general election, followed by Jeremy Corbyn winning the Labour leadership election. Which seems to be how I manage to get away with this. I still have to pinch myself from time to time, but it’s true. Amazing isn’t it?”

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Generation Z delighted 80% of middle-aged Brits are fat, drunk and unhealthy

What the average fifty-something couple looks like to a twenty year old.

What the average fifty-something couple looks like to a twenty year old.

Those born in the mid-nineties or after, Generation Z, are more bouncy and loud than ever following the release of a government report which states that just 20% of middle-aged people are healthy and the rest lie more awkwardly than whatever that is on top of Donald Trump’s head when talking to their GP about their lifestyle.  Continue reading

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Counterfeit booze ‘could make you dizzy and act like an idiot’

“…the ever-popular loss of inhibitions…”

Harold Council has warned shoppers to beware of fake Vodka, which can seriously damage health.

“This so-called ‘Vodka’ contains chemicals of some sort, which affect the decision-making frontal lobe of the brain,” said Councillor Ron Ronsson.

“Short-term effects include loss of inhibitions, dizziness, nausea, coma and even death. Also, it has a ‘metallic’ after-taste if you get stuck into a second bottle. So I’m told.” Continue reading

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IDS clarifies: Brexit means *closing* a new hospital each week

IDS

Open a new hospital each week, are you mad? No, what I said was we could close one each week

With hospitals having been told to take a ticket and wait their turn to be closed, Iain Duncan Smith says people misheard him during the referendum campaign.

“I was shocked that people thought I promised to spend shed-loads of cash on the NHS, and open a new hospital each week, we clearly said close. I’m not one to blame others, but I think you’ll find that was the work of Project Fear. Or immigrants. Continue reading

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Hypochondriac sets up Just Giving page – asks for £1,000,000,000 ‘to be on the safe side’

hypochondriacA local hypochondriac has set up a Just Giving page with an initial fundraising target of £1,000,000,000.

“I think I’ve got AIDS, and Dropsy. And Dengue Fever. Probably Zika too. Worst of all, I’ve got slightly dry skin on my upper arm that literally could be ANYTHING. I’m hoping a billion pounds will cover it” said Harold identity Sally Evans.
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Lab analysis of local kebab shop chili sauce finds ‘zero semen’ shock

Mystery solved

Mystery solved

Scientists at Dunstable Metropolitan University were stunned by results of a DNA analysis of the chili sauce at local Harold kebab shop I Shish You Not!, when data showed that no human semen was present, a new report revealed today.

“We had always assumed that the employees were rubbing themselves off like a troop of monkeys back there,” commented Dr Pauline Copland, lead food scientist at Dunstable Met where the study was performed.
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MP Sarah Wollaston swaps sides to a different set of liars

sarah_wollaston

I’ve thrown my lot in with different psychopaths, such as David Cameron and George Osborne

Dr Wollaston, Tory chairman of the Health Select Committee, has clambered aboard the other EU referendum horse and galloped off in the opposite direction.

“It was a shock to find that Boris Johnson and Michael Gove were psychopaths, lying about spending £350 million a week more on the NHS. Who knew?” said Dr Wollaston yesterday. “So I’ve thrown my lot in with different psychopaths such as David Cameron and George Osborne.”

Wollaston was pleased that she could both remain a Tory MP and retain her professional integrity.

“And luckily. my position on the Hippocratic Oath is unaffected. There’s nothing in there about selling off the NHS.”

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Tobacco firms producing branded line of cancer drugs

Following their high court defeat over plain cigarette packaging, tobacco companies have announced a move into branded chemotherapy treatment.

“We accept that we have to start moving into new areas,” admitted British American Tobacco spokesman Harry Death.

“Our research shows a remarkably similar demographic between cancer patients and our existing customers. Really, it’s uncanny.”

Marlboro have already launched an aggressive cancer drug for the rugged outdoors type, while Benson and Hedges’ Silk Cut chemo will be aimed at users who do not really need treatment but don’t want to feel like they’re missing out.

Meanwhile, for those who find the whole chemo thing a bit too strong, why not try menthol-chemo for the cool rush of winter – like that bloke in the operating gown in the Macmillan ads.

This is only the start of big tobacco’s monetization of its products’ longer-term effects. Camel have started selling amusing hump-branded urns, while Superkings have a range of longer than usual coffins for budget-conscious tall people.

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Village bans wearing shorts, by men with waist > chest

fatman

His colour sense isn’t that great either

In the quiet English village of Harold, a local council is making a stand against the anti-social wearing of shorts by men.

“The first decent weather of the year saw men out and about in shorts which were already too small in 2015.”says Cllr Ron Ronnson.

“Oddly, most of the shorts hadn’t stretched in the back of the wardrobe, hidden under a 2012-2013 Manchester United scarf and a replica ‘Thierry Henry’ Arsenal shirt.”

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Hunt still struggling with the meaning of ‘negotiate’

Look, there it is in the dictionary, just after neglect of duty.

Look, there it is in the dictionary, just after neglect of duty.

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has apologised for his poor grasp of the English language after being advised that ‘negotiate’ does not mean ‘annihilate’.

“I was under the impression that to negotiate meant ‘to crush your opponent’,” he said, “but now they’re telling me it means something more like ‘compromise’. I’ll have to look that one up. It’s another new word to add to my vocabulary.”

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We have enough jars of Dolmio now, thank you, say food banks

Before you dump, think it through.

Before you dump, think it through.

Food banks up and down the country now have enough jars of Dolmio pasta sauce to sink an Italian battleship, thanks to the caring generosity of well-meaning do-gooders.

“As soon as I found out just how much sugar and salt they add to the pink sludge, I emptied my cupboards and started pouring the stuff down the sink,” said housewife Daphne Newton.

“Then my teenage daughter pointed out that the amount of precious clean water and costly sink cleaner I was using far outweighed the benefits of recycling the empty jars and demanded I deliver the remaining two dozen jars to the food bank instead.”

“Well, I couldn’t believe my ears when the woman at the food bank said they already had enough of that particular item, thank you.”

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Local Council launches ‘looking at flowers in the park’ charge

daffodilsbandw

All the yellow has been used up by irresponsible lookers

Following in the footsteps of Stoke Gifford Council, which charges runners using parks they’ve already paid for, Harold council has taken the unprecedented step of introducing a charge for looking at their park’s flowers.

“It’s a scientific fact that looking at daffodils uses up some of their yellow.” explained Councillor Ron Ronsson “By the weekend it’s often been used up Continue reading

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Boxing fans ‘baffled’ about what might cause boxers’ head injuries

boxing_ouch

Fans still hope to discover what leads to boxing injuries

With the welcome news that Nick Blackwell is out of a coma, boxing fans are asking “How on earth did this happen?”

Boxing authorities said the period immediately after Blackwell was pummelled senseless by a barrage of blows to the head, was ‘not the right time’ to investigate the cause of his brain injuries.

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Teetotal vegan who didn’t ‘do carbs or sugar’ shocked to discover they still died

deathwithcat_8690

As all Discworld fans know there is no justice, just him

A local man has said that he’s shocked and horrified to have died despite spending years avoiding almost all known foodstuffs.

“I thought this way of eating would make me immortal,” Felix Watson complained from the Other Side. “For over a decade I shunned anything you could describe as yummy and tracked my heart rate with all the joyless fanaticism of a Nazi in a rubbish war film.” Continue reading

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Food industry insists sugar counts towards your 5 a day

Fruit-Drinks

Apparently one of these once saw an apple

After researchers discovered that a typical child’s smoothie contains eight tons of sugar, the food industry has reacted swiftly,  claiming that sugar, being originally from some kind of plant, should count towards your healthy 5 a day.

Children’s fruit drinks usually have packaging featuring cartoon animals and slogans like “WILL NOT MAKE YOU FAT”, and many parents believe these are healthier than other drinks like cola, lemonade or sherry.

However, food scientists have discovered that many of these beverages are actually just bottles full of dry sugar painted orange, and the health benefits may therefore have been exaggerated.

Gavin Behemoth of the British Soft Drinks Association insisted that the ‘drinks’ were actually healthy:

“Sugar is a plant, like lettuce. And after a dab of paint, it’s the same colour. What more proof do you need? I’ve personally been drinking these delicious beverages for years, and look at me. 38 stone, terminal diabetes, and both my legs have dropped off.”

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Man killed by 100-ft cheese badger was ‘living the dream’

cheesebadger

Living the dream…

Albert Renfew, who died last night after being chased and eaten to death by an enormous badger made of cheese, was ‘living the dream’, friends have confirmed.

Renfrew, who possessed the unusual ability of having his dreams manifest as physical objects, was killed by the grotesque cheesy mammal in front of screaming shoppers in the High Street of the English village of Harold.

Sadly, Renfrew had long been plagued with bizarre, violent dreams involving dairy-mutated animal aggression.

“We were always telling Albert that it’s so important to make your dreams come true,” explained one friend today, “But we had no idea his dreams were so horrible.”

Authorities have pointed out that living the dream is still perfectly safe for most people, and have reassured the public that anyone who does not typically dream about huge slavering cheddar animals should be perfectly safe.

“For most of us,” explained an expert, “Dreams are associated with fame, vast wealth and the lumpy bits on the front of women. I know mine are.”

“Giant violent cheese badgers, on the other hand, are the sort of dream which should be lived under no circumstances.”

“We would advise anyone experiencing these sort of dreams to tread Caerphilly.”

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