Category Archives: Golden Showers

Government launch campaign to raise awareness of bestiality laws

Tale as old as time…but she’s no Emma Watson

The UK Home Office has announced a £2.5 million public information campaign, aimed at raising awareness of bestiality laws, and reminding people that sex with animals is illegal.

High profile cases like that of Carol Bowditch, the Lincolnshire pensioner who was filmed having sex with several dogs at a bestiality party, unaware that she had done anything wrong, show that work needs to be done to ensure that others don’t unwittingly fall foul of the law by going too far with their pets, a Home Office spokesman explained.
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Advertisments, Dating, Farming, Golden Showers, News, Pets, Police, Society

United Airlines security drag ‘grateful’ Sean Spicer from Whitehouse press briefing

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer has thanked a United Airlines security squad who stepped in after he became unable to stop declaring that Adolf Hitler did not use chemical weapons during World War Two.

“I just couldn’t stop saying outrageous things, digging myself deeper and deeper into this hole. My brain could hear the words coming out of my mouth, but it was powerless to stop the flow, so I can only thank these airline thugs for stepping in when they did and dragging me away from the lectern.”

In the hastily arranged press conference to handle Hitler-comparison-gate Spicer also expressed his gratitude for the bloody nose they gave him. “I didn’t ask them to hit me in the face, but these guys knew in that split second that it was what I needed most. Good work, men, and God bless America. ”

But Spicer may have stirred fresh controversy by going on to praise the United Airlines team’s ability to follow orders as “more committed than even the most diligent SS guards”

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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Golden Showers, International News, News, Trump, USA

Oscar red carpet staining shock – onlookers describe ‘river of pee’

Staining story widely leaked on internet

Staining story widely leaked on internet

The rise of “sew-on” dresses is believed to be behind today’s Oscar debacle which saw numerous movie stars relieve themselves on the red carpet. Fans who queued for hours to catch a glimpse of their favourite stars were left gagging as the glitz and glamour of Hollywood disappeared in a river of pee.

The pressure to appear even thinner is behind the “sew-on” dress craze among leading actresses, and while the figure hugging dresses are perfect for the short photo-shoot, they proved to be less than functional in an Oscar night stretching over many hours.

Leading blogger Perez Hilton said everything appeared normal when the stars arrived and chatted with the fans as they walked down the famous carpet, but then the floodgates opened.
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Filed under Entertainment, Golden Showers

‘Campaign to reclaim words that have become rude’ is launched by US Judge David Minge

minge

No, really.

American Judge and former US politician David R. Minge has taken a leave of absence from his judicial duties to launch a campaign aimed at “enriching the English language by reclaiming those words that have unfortunately gained new, offensive meanings.”

Speaking at a press conference this morning, The Honorable Minge explained: “In the same way that the N word and the Q word have been reclaimed by the Black and Belgian communities respectively, I hope to bring back common usage of such words as ‘nonce’, ‘fanny’, ‘knockers’ and ‘felch’, and in so doing remove their unpleasant new meanings for ever.”
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Filed under Culture, Golden Showers, International News

Jeremy Vine solves slight disagreement – very few injured

vineish

Vine not looking his best in the Lickers just before 4am, wearing special radio shoes coated in sick

One of Harold’s most controversial issues has finally been laid to rest, after a chance visit from Radio 2’s Jeremy Vine.

Anyone who knows Harold also knows just how divisive opinions can be. Over the years the village has seen arguments between neighbours and friends, and even the odd family feud. Many a punch up in the Squirrel Lickers Arms has been blamed on disagreements, together with copious amounts of over-priced alcohol.

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Filed under Around Harold, Golden Showers, News, Uncategorized

NEWS UPDATE: Boris Johnson’s hair defects to UKIP

Ooh, that's tickly, but nice!

Ooh, that’s tickly, but nice!

Please share the news if you like it! Thanks.

After this morning’s shock revelation that Boris Johnson and his hair have separated, journalists from the Evening Harold can now announce the sensational news that the flyaway thatch has defected to UKIP.

UKIP leader Nigel Farage is seen here looking understandably delighted in front of an industrial hair dryer.

More news as we get it…

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Filed under Dating, Golden Showers, Politics

Britain needs less protection from people like me, says Liam Fox

mr_fox

More public money, with eggs on top!

Disgraced omni-dubious former Secretary of State for Defence Liam Fox has called for a return to days of Thatcherite values when more casual regulation meant people like him could stick their sweaty noses into the trough unopposed.

Fox, seen as a standard-bearer of the Tory right, will call for the party to fight the next general election on a radical platform of tax cuts, privatisation and deregulation from people like himself, who spunk public money on their old mates who live with them in rent-free orgiastic luxury.

“What this country needs to get back on its feet is a total absence of regulations preventing Ministers from giving Britain’s money to old male chums, when said chums have no government role whatsoever,” Fox explained. “Old being a relative term of course, for close buddies who are 17 years younger than oneself, and enjoy sharing a pig’s trotter stuffed with lark’s vomit. The very real risk that such behaviour could have almost landed one with a custodial sentence is acting as a brake on investment, and could significantly impact my retirement plans.”

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Filed under Crime, Dating, Golden Showers, Politics

Local football team ‘shocked’ at 10 match ban for minor cannibalism incident

luis

Ate his Liverpool with a nice Chianti

Players and management of local football club Harold Thursday have reacted with anger and astonishment at the Trojan Prophylactic League’s decision to ban star striker Luis Nutter for ten games following the recent cannibalism incident in which the entire first team from visiting club Eccles were roasted over a spit and eaten during a goalmouth scramble.

Goalkeeper Willie Sprinkler spoke to journalists of his belief that Nutter, 26, had been singled out largely due to his birthplace: “Yes, he comes from Liverpool,” he conceded, “But even so, I consider myself a friend of Luis. League bosses in Felching are treating him different because he is a ‘Scouse’, and because he had the one previous incident where he went mental apeshit crazy and hungrily devoured a coach load of orphans.”

“He knows perfectly well that what he did was wrong, but a 10-game ban seems out of proportion. I think they’ve got it in for Luis a little bit, possibly because they too are orphans. It was fifty-fifty in the Eccles penalty area, ball to hand, could have gone either way, and on the spur of the moment our lad has reacted – split second decision – and eaten eleven men’s livers with a nice Chianti. It happens out in the park every day.”

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Filed under Around Harold, Golden Showers, Sport

Murderous magician will find out what his Wandsworth

pistolwandOne of Harold’s most beguiling mysteries has finally been solved, and sadly proven to be a most despicable and gruesome crime.

Every local knew and loved the spectacular magic show put on annually by local magician “The Great Haroldo”. Although a touring performer he would end his season every year in Harold, and has done so for over 20 years. The pinnacle of the show was always a grand illusion which would culminate in a member of the audience disappearing.

In the early years the volunteer would always re-appear, looking slightly shaken, and return to their seat. However every year since 1997 the volunteer has failed to re-materialise, and none has ever been seen again.

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Filed under Crime, DNA, Golden Showers, International News

Dress rehearsal for Queen’s funeral was lovely, says Charles

Piss off Charlie

Piss off Charlie

Prince Charles, heir to the Throne for 60 years, is said to be very impressed at how well today’s dress rehearsal for the Queen’s funeral went.

“One couldn’t help but notice how smoothly things went” said Prince Charles. “On the evidence of today’s dress rehearsal, there is no reason why one’s mother’s funeral couldn’t take place as early as next Tuesday. One will have to work things around lunch at the Dorchester though.”
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Filed under Golden Showers, International News

Thatcher supporters propose giant pyramid to last a hundred thousand years

pyramid

Erection in her honour

Supporters of the deceased ex-Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher have proposed the erection in her honour of a mile-high memorial pyramid, visible from space, made from pure gold and shining with the light of a thousand suns.

“We’d originally planned a library,” explained former Conservative chairman Lord Tebbit, but that felt a bit rubbish and prone to closure, and one thing sort of led to another.”

The newly-formed “Cherish Freedom Trust” has announced that it wants the pyramid, which will be based in, and cover most of, central London, “to bring Margaret Thatcher’s legacy, values and achievements to life for the wider public, and to be a true heritage resource where schoolchildren, historians and millions of ant-like insignificant specs of humanity can come and pitifully kneel and ideally keep the structure well-cleaned with their tongues.”

Arguments are raging over the choice of design, with possible plans including a gargantuan handbag, a colossal glinting phallus, or a pyramid.

Suggestions that the mighty edifice could be paid for out of the huge tax cuts recently gifted to Britain’s elite were dismissed as “expensive” by corrupt tax-avoiding bastards this morning. Instead, the original Egyptian construction model is looking favourite, in which the revolutionary use of rollers meant that mighty blocks of stone could be moved by ordinary workers without undue cost. The entirety of Britain’s walking unemployed are to be given the mandatory opportunity to gain valuable work experience through unpaid ‘apprenticeships’ pulling ropes, while the stubborn disabled whom even ATOS are unable to make stand up are to provide valuable service as the rollers.

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Filed under Dating, Golden Showers, Politics

Mute child wins local talent show – set for international stardom

search for a star copy12 year old Harold resident Erica Carter’s story is certainly sadder than most, and she’s not what many would consider a natural star of the stage.

Born a mute, her mother died during the delivery of Erica and her twin brother Graham. Her father was driven to alcohol dependency under the stress of caring for the two children alone, and eventually took his own life when the twins were 5. Shunted from children’s home to children’s home, Erica could always rely on the support and voice of her brother, until he died two years later in a tragic landfill accident. Erica’s grandmother emigrated to the UK from Australia to care for her, moving to Harold to provide the warmth of a family she so badly needed. Sadly her grandmother passed away last August.

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Filed under Around Harold, Golden Showers, News, Showbusiness

No mincing about: all the beef on the Grand National

horsecowGrand National 2013 – your guide to the runners and riders, from the Evening Harold’s own racing correspondent!

This year looks like being the most open Grand National for a while, with a mixture of sad puns and frankly disgusting rudeness battling it out over the famous 84 furlongs. But who to bet on? Well, that’s the whole bloody point, isn’t it? So let’s meet the horses.

THE HORSES

RECTAL BAGPUSS

Jockey: P. Yaffle
Sure to win “Best Turned Out”, but does the 43 year old filly still have what it takes to go the distance? No.
Odds: Gabriel the Toad
Our verdict: Mouse organ
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Filed under Golden Showers, Royals, Sport

BREAKING NEWS: Graham Norton arrested naked in High Street

graham

Disgusting Graham Norton wasn’t this one

49-year-old Irish television presenter Graham Norton, host of comedy chat show The Graham Norton Show, shares his name with a man arrested naked in Harold village’s High Street this morning, it has emerged.

Norton, who took over the prestigious Friday night slot on BBC One from Jonathan Ross in 2010, is not the same man as the Harold local who police detained today for performing a lurid dance routine on the steps of the Boer War memorial, naked apart from Wellington boots and a Phillips screwdriver.

Openly gay Norton, who is known for his camp demeanour, innuendo-laden dialogue and flamboyant presentation style, has nothing in common with the local man (who has been detained for further questioning) other than the shared name, which is a total coincidence.

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Filed under Around Harold, Golden Showers, International News

Local musician discovers long-lost ninth note of the octave – ‘H’

Piano

There it is! Look, there in the middle!

Reg Dwight, frequent uninvited pianist at Harold’s Squirrel Licker’s Arms, announced today a discovery which could change the face of music for ever.

Dwight, 43, has been on the fringes of stardom since his famous residency at “Sally’z Cut’z” hairdressers and grill. After deciding to go into showbusiness at the age of three, he changed his name from the original “Elton John” to improve his image. Talking to the Evening Harold this morning, he spoke of his amazing find.

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Filed under Culture, Golden Showers, News

Fake ATM dispensed thousands of pounds in bungled scam

atm

Death to false metal!

A local criminal gang was left red-faced yesterday after police seized a fake ATM which had already paid out thousands of pounds to unwitting customers.

So sophisticated was the bogus cash machine that high street shoppers were completely unaware that the bank notes they received were not coming from their accounts, but actually from a dummy vault subtly concealed in two feet of reinforced concrete behind the machine.

“You’d never know it was anything other than genuine,” explained PC Flegg. “If we hadn’t swooped so swiftly, I dread to think how much cash could have been given out.”

Caramba!

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Filed under Around Harold, Crime, Golden Showers